Having a real hard day. Just found out that ExH and OW are probably getting engaged in the next few months. They've been looking at rings.

Plus they just took a 10 day vacation together to the Carribean.

Gosh I thought after the D it would be easier to move on. Wrong!

I've been crying all day. So stupid I know, but I guess there was a micron of hope yet that he'd wake up, see what he did and, and we'd maybe remarry someday.

I'm such a jerk!

Guess he'll be in the 3% that never do end their A.

Thanks for listening.

((((catgirl)))))

I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish that I could say something that would make it go away. They aren't married yet. It's OK to cry though. And yes, some do get married and stay married, but I know of very few who do. A lady that I know told me her ex just came back to her to tell her that he made a mistake. He married the AP and just got divorced. Funny thing is that she is now married to her soulmate and doesn't even want him back. He now gives her the creeps. You just never know how life will go....

I know I don't know what is in store. Everyone tells me something better is out there. I guess I just don't want to hear that.

It makes me sick to think of OW as his wife and step mom to my kids. Then if they have kids, my kids will have steps from her!


I know of 2 couples who married the OW. They've both been married over 25 years now, and both couples have kids. So it does work out.

Well, I know that in some cases it does end up being a long term thing, but I don't think in the majority of cases it does.

Still, I would rather be the BS than the WS. At least you and I will be able to move forward with no baggage. The WHs still have to carry the guilt that goes along with it.

I know that isn't much comfort right now to either one of us, but it's a start. I figure that we can only cry so many tears before we dry up, and everyday we're one day closer to the end of all the suffering.

So sorry you are still feeling down. Life does get good again. I promise you that.

Maybe they will be in the 3% that marry. But even then 75% of those divorce. They don't have the stuff to stick with a marriage through the good times and bad. Instead they bail.

But you are responsible for what happens in your life now. I'm sure you will want to meet someone some day and start over. Right now it is probably not appealing because you are so new at this.

i don't think WSs carry around guilt like us BSs would like to think but it's been much debated here. and really doesn't help us BSs move on either way. i know it really sucks catgirl. it seems like they have the perfect life right now, but it usually does catch up to them. someday you'll be healthier than you've ever been. is there any thing in life you are grateful for? start making a list.

they have a 3% chance of seeing the 5 year mark.

Catgirl...value yourself more than wanting to ever remarry a low life that would do those things to you. He isn't worth your time or effort.
Once you open yourself up to the possibility, you will find men that make your EX look like the fool that he truly is. Your ex is yesterdays news...the rest of your life story is yet to be written.

So what are the reasons that the percentage is low at 3%? Is it guilt? The endorphines (or whatever those chemicals are) wear off? There is no trust? I'm sure it's a combination of a lot of things, but would like to get opinions of those who have done more research into why they don't last.

Dr. Phil says something like "If they do it with you they'll do it to you" but I'm sure it's really a whole lot more than that.

Because when the fantasy is over, so is the relationship
Because the drug fix only works for 2 years
Because they will inevitable go looking for the next "in-love" experience

That makes sense. Hopefully the next "in love" experience is with the spouse that they betrayed. That sounds like the MB concept!

(((catgirl))) I'm sure you're going thru the 'normal' greaving process, this to shall pass. (((prayers for you)))

CG,

The OW will always be a 'step'. Step down from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thoughts of OWs are enough to make all of us sick. So we share your feelings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for the success of the A, let it be noted that any R based on an A will always carry the entrails of failure. It is built on a rotten foundation, just waiting to crumble. Not a matter of if but a matter of when.

take solis and take care,
L.

Thanks all. I do appreciate all of you for taking the time to listen and post.

Still feeling like [email]cr@p[/email] today. I wake up everyday thinking it will be better than yesterday, and it's not. I'm back to not eating and losing weight. Kind like right after D Day.

DD who went to live with them, is now back home! She realized life was better here after all. Too bad ExH didn't realize that too!

Anyway, that's where I'm getting all the dirt on what's going on in their lives.

DD told me that ExH and OW are happy. Very affectionate. Hugging, kissing all the time. They take showers together everyday. Funny, I always wanted my ExH to do that with me. He never wanted too.

DD said ExH praises OW for every little thing... dinner, clean house etc. That was a HUGE need of mine in our M, to be appreciated and recognized. I always felt like the housekeeper. Never felt appreciated. It hurts me to no end to know that he's doing that to her, but when I wanted it and asked for it, I never got it.

DD said OW buys him stuff all the time and he to her. Although he always claims he's poor.

I thought having DD there would put a kink in their R. It didn't. They still are "in love" as my DD said.

DD said OW's family loves ExH and his family loves OW. I can'p believe that people would accept their R, she being 17 years younger etc, and it being an A relationship. Guess people don't care anymore.

I guess I just feel jealous...again. He has someone, is planning on getting M, and I'm still alone. He's moved on. I haven't. He discarded me after all those years of marriage, like it never even mattered, and in a few weeks had her living with him.

Talk about feeling like a piece of sh$t!

First of all I am sorry for your feelings Cat....But don't be fooled by all the lovey dovey crap going on..It's required to keep up the charade of "being in love with my soulmate"....They have to overcompensate in order to make sure that they don't fail. Failing is to give credence to what every one told them would happen and they are trying to make sure it doesn't. But like anything else that requires renewed intensity, their R will flounder when the energy runs out, LB's will take their place and both will wake up one morning and look at the other have an Oh my God moment. I promise. As far as some working out, I am sure there are some but don't be led to believe because someone is still married to OW/OM that they are happy and content. It could simply be a case of "I will not let anyone know I was wrong". I am sure they play it up for your DD too knowing that she is sure to come and tell you about it.

You need to get back out into the world and live again, breathe, go somewhere with friends, make new friends and yes of the opposite sex too. No matter what never let that low life and that skank know that you are thinking of them. I would go as far as to find some nice looking man to take with you to an exhange, be decked to the nines and have sh*t eating grin on your face the whole time.

CatGirl,

I've been reading the other posts and agree with several. Before I met my hubby, I was engaged to someone that I thought made the world turn now as I look back - I see his faults, paranoia and lack of concern for me - he makes my skin crawl.

You are still grieving and that is good, but you have to let yourself open up to what positive things there are in life. Maybe you should close that portal of information that is coming from DD - it only brings you misery and heartache. You are a good person and you are going to build a better, stronger self from this whole mess. Look to the sun and let yourself release that hurt, jealousy and pain....you can do it! Just take baby steps.

Hi catgirl, i'm not sure i've ever posted to you before but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling so down.

as much as i never agree with medc, this time i will... your ex is NOT worth your time and energy.

i understand how easy it is to feel like a piece of sh$i but YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF SH$T!!!

i know it all s*cks but the best thing you can do for yourself is to release your ex. I'm thrilled to hear your DD is back with you, that is awesome. now make it clear to her that you do NOT want to hear about your ex and the OW.

i can imagine it must be a tough line to walk. if your DD needs your support because she is struggling with coming to terms with all that has happened, of course you need to be there for her, but she needs to understand that casual talk about what they are up to are hurtful to you.

and you, must be sure to NEVER ask about details.

my mom would grill us ever time we got back from visiting my dad and his ow and then she would be tortured with the info. what's up with that???

i hope you do not do that. your DD does not need to be grilled, and YOU do NOT need any more info about them.

do YOURSELF a favor, release it all. live a good life, happiness will come.

You should NOT be getting or seeking out this information. You are making yourself feel worse.



tell your daughter to stop sharing information with you. It is NOT your business or your concern at this point. Your goal is to be happy...not for them to be miserable.



You are alone because you are weighing yourself down with the burdens of the past. He is gone...let him go. He isn't coming back...and frankly, you shouldn't want him back at this point.

Do things that will build you up and avoid things that will harm you. You are seeking those destructive things out...it has to stop now.

Catgirl,

You need to get a grip. I know that you are depressed, but remember that type of behavior is not attractive to your xh or anyone else. Don't let your daughter go back to them and tell them that you are depressed, crying, etc.

Can you try some ADs? Cry by all means, but don't let them see you. Pull yourself up and get out there during the day, then cry at night if you have to. It will pass, I promise, but if you are still having trouble this long after the D, maybe you need some additional help.

Don't let yourself spiral downward any further. You are a good person, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone right now. Your day will come.....

I am on AD's and in IC.

You are right I am torturing myself as to what is going on with them.

This is going to sound so weird, but hearing DD tell me they are affectionate and that she "heard" them in the bedroom just kills me. I'm not stupid. I knew they were sleeping with one another and kissing etc., but "I" never saw it. Now that she told me she did and heard, it just kills me. Silly huh?

I know he's not coming back. He's obviously moved on, but I don't know. Just these past few days have been very hard hearing about them planning on getting engaged etc. I guess I just thought that maybe something would have clicked and he wouldn't have committed to her and dumped her and realized he made a mstake.

I guess I just got so caught up with everyone telling me it wouldn't last, usually ends by 2 years, which it is now, etc. etc. that I just hoped.

Yes, I do need to get a grip, just easier said than done right now.