I decided to start a new thread, for this next tragic saga, that I call my life.

Run down for those who don't know me. My H had a romantic A with a co-worker/family friend for about 1 year. DD was 7/2/07 (that date will be forever burned in my brain), at the time of discovery I didn't know the depth of his A. Exposure was made to those that would impact H. The kids have not been officially told, but they know.

I've been in plan A since then but w/ no results. He, all together now, loves me but not in love with me. Says he's lost all spark of passion for me and even w/o the affair he wonders if the spark was already out.

We get along very well, we are compatible in all aspect of our lives together but physical. And that is the #1 on his list of EN, I really can't see a way around it. Yes, I am sure that there is more issues then that but those issues can be talked out...given time. You can't manufacture lust and passion.

Since his feelings for her is as strong as ever, NC was not establish since they cont. to work together. Changing jobs has come up but H didn't want to do that. MC has been introduced as an option, but H didn't want to do that either. That really doesn't leave a lot of option for me to cont. our M.

The writing on the wall is very clear now. There's no working on us, until he resolve his feelings for her. So I told him he needs to move out. He of course doesn't want to, but I think mostly so he doesn't have to be uncomfortable. It's awkward to tell people that his marriage isn't working out b/c of something he did. And through the 20 years we have been married, he's made me out to be a freaking saint to everyone who knows us. But mostly he doesn't want to tell the kids.

So to say I'm a mess would be an understatement. I told him that if he thinks that with him moving out leaves him the option of "working out things" with OW, guess again. I told this time is meant to reflect on our M, not pursue other people. As long as there is an paper out there that says we are married....we are married. I expect him to honor that commitment. If he choses not to....then we are to divorce. I don't want her leftovers.

The details of our separation has not been decided on yet. I think he is hoping that I will change my mind. But I'm not going to. I want more then he's providing....I want it all and I am not willing to settle for less then I deserve. I don't want a buddy/room mate, I want to be with someone who can return my feelings a 100%.

Since neither one of us can figure a way for him to "find those feeling" for me that leaves us at the fork of our road together. I'm choosing to move on in a different direction. He actually said to me: How can we discard everything else that is good in our M b/c of that? I said the same way you felt that you needed to find it somewhere else.

He is still so disillusion on our situation. He said for the last year we haven't worked on the SF part of our M. I said I tried but you wouldn't/couldn't respond to me. Plus it's kinda hard to work on something when you have banging someone else in the last year. He actually wants us to stay the way we are b/c he thinks with time he can MAYBE get those feeling back for me, even though he's not had them for years. I can't do this anymore. I just don't have the energy to keep hoping for something that "MAYBE" can be found.

I'm open to any suggestions, comments, support....chocolates....cocktails?

Tami

My advice would be to tell the kids that their dad has a lover. That is part of exposure.

Then have him move out, and you go to Plan B. Plan A usually doesn't bring them to the table to work on the marriage. It often takes Plan B. It sounds like hubby would prefer to try to "work it out" (maybe for another year or two), and continue with OW.

Tami,

His moving out is a step that c/b in the right direction. What?!??!? Well...hear me out.

He is a WS. WS was living in your home as a WS.... YUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Bad news for each family member. Your H was nowhere t/b seen. Oh no!!?!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So it is a good move to get the WS out. Let your H know the family wants him home but w/o the Ws.

The WS will never get back the feelings for the family because the WS is not a part of any family.

So what can you do? Move forward. Be the shining beacon for your real H so he can find his way home. He has to escape from the clutches of the A.

The fact that you threw him out has busted the secrecy of the A. Now your job is to expose the A to all, including your children. Expect him to claim t/b shamed for the exposure but not enough to stop the A. That's babble and you need to learn NOT to react to it.

Example:

WS: WHAT?!?!? You told _______ about the A? I can never face them again. You have made us the laughing stock. I can't come back...never. You have ruined me.

BS: Yep..... well even they knew you were acting weird. Actually everyone that knows doesn't want the WS in you back in our family either. So feelings must be mutual. Btw WS, WE are not the laughing stock.... actually you the WS are. Yet our friends and family miss our real H and don't like the WS. Neither do I. So as you can see, I haven't ruined my H. I love my H but not the WS.

WS: (head hung low).

End of example.

I did something similar to mine. The accusations show the WS is in front of you and not your H. That's the que to pull back and do not offer assistance. Instead you are setting your boundary that you are not to blame for his condition.

Hope this helps.
L.

Tami,

Sounds like Plan B is in order. He wants to stay the way you are so he can have BOTH. My WH did exactly that too. I thought that we were in recovery for almost 5 months, but then I found put the A never ended. He was merrily going along with both of us.

Sounds like you did a good Plan A, so Plan B his [censored]....

The kids already know whats been going on, and with whom. But H has not sat down with them and offically owned up to it.

At this point, he's trying to use guilt on me. Like "I don't know what will happen when I move out, I'll probably start drinking or become a hermit." The fact that he's worried about how he's going to fare through this doesn't escape me. There's not a single--how are the kids going to get thru this or what will help them. It's all about him--even when he says things like "If this is what you need for me to do, then I'll do it for you, if it will help you deal." Like he's doing me a big fat favor!

The funny thing is when he does and says those things I have to fight to not roll my eyes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I know that within a couple of weeks of moving out, he will be with the OW. Why, cause he needs the comfort...someone to come home to....someone to talk with....once I'm not in the picture then he will turn to her. Even while we are talking about separating vs divorcing, he still says things like "Well it may not even work out between us, we may not get along 24/7." I told him the fact that you are even contaplating that as an option tells me that you have no intention of working out our M. That's why I told him, very clearly, that if he pursues his relation w/OW while we are separated, I will serve him w/divorce papers...so fast his head will spin. He said "That may not even be possible, she's still married." WTH--Uh, that little fact didn't stop you guys before, why would it now?

WS say the weirdest things....how can they live a functional life with their brains in their pants?

Gotta go,
Tami

Tami,

I see you have moved to the next step and I think it is good timing!

There is something about not having assurance that the other person is around that makes people think. Your H knows he's wrong for what he's done. He's going to be doing a lot of thinking and its going to include some stuff that hasn't been going through that brain and should have been.

If he really wants you and is working on the marriage, you would know it. Until you KNOW it, don't let him back!!

He's been with you a long time and sounds like there has been lots of good time and memories that most likely will pull him back and I'm guessing you will be seeing a lot more effort. You know the saying Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't talk to my ex but common friends tell me he reminisces a lot about me and we've been divorced for 16 years. I can tell you when he left me he wasn't reminiscing about me. As much as that hurt, I have no interest in being with him and it was actually a blessing that we aren't together. I couldn't see it then but I can now after seeing how his next 3 marriages went.

My point is if your H isn't the kind to truly want and work on the marriage you don't want him and you may not see that now but you will. If this is just a midlife crisis or some temporary insanity, he will fess up and he will put every bit of his strength in making it up to you. Everyone makes mistakes. Some people are a mistake. That sounds extreme but you don't want someone that's going to be unfaithful again and hurt you again.

It sounds like you are on the right track. I'm impressed with how well you have handled this whole situation. Keep up the good work!!

Sincerely
Denise

Well, it's been a couple of very interesting days. Monday, we had another talk, where I told him that he needs to move out for now. Since what we are doing is not getting us anywhere and that he has NO sexual desire for me what so ever, doesn't seem very fair to either of us.

Since we can't "force" it to come back then we really need to talk about making this permanent. He said he didn't want to do that, b/c it's too costly. We can't even afford for me to move out as it is. He doesn't want to ruin whats left of our relationship...and he doesn't want to give up on us.

He keeps saying he doesn't know why this happened or how he lost the "feelings" for me. He told me that he can not pinpoint anything that I might have done to have him feel this way. I think that he was having feelings for the OW long before the A, and he had to justify to himself why it was okay to act on those feelings. "Since my wife and I have not been intimate...that part of our M must be over. So it must be okay to do.......! He just can't admit it...it was just lust...a chance to do someone else...but no it had to be "love".

Anyways, we talked again last night.....he totally broke down. Said he can't believe this is happening, that he's ruined everything for everyone. The way his daughter looks at him sometimes just kills him (she figured it out...and I confirmed it). He regrets having the A. He wished that when all this started (when?..I don't know), he should have come to me. He was really distraught, more then I have ever seen him. I just held him and let him cry.

So today he calls me to get the name of the therapist in our area that I found thru his ins. company.....6 weeks ago. He made an appt. w/her for next thurs., he had me call her to fax over our ins. card...so I confirmed his appt. date and time.

The thing is that I think he wants to leave, he just doesn't want to deal with the act of leaving. He doesn't want to tell the kids, family ,work or whoever else...cause that's uncomfortable. But he's also wants to not have to feel the pressure of "doing" the right thing everyday. Don't want to see the me/family suffer anymore. If only there is a way to do that w/o the ugly part! I ask him if he wanted to stay at home while he went to counciling (don't 2x4 me yet), and his response was -- what good would that do? I said that I was worried that he would do harm to himself...like he implied. He said he wouldn't do that and that we will talk about it tonight.

I don't know what's going to happen other then he is going to move out. But I hope he keeps going to councilling and that it helps him put perspective on his feelings. I really want my H back.

Tami

((Tami))

Counseling? Finally!!! This is a baby step in the right direction. But it is brought about by your strngth and determination. Keep saying the things that are important (I want to recover our M, I will not accept contact with OW, etc). Stay strong and focused. This is the toughest fight you have ever fought.

Fled

Wow, it's been a crazy week. Nothing huge happened, but baby steps were made. My H had his first counseling session today. He was really nervous...I think he thought she was going to tell him he's a lost cause and to just give up. This week leading up to this, he's been very depressed.

I think he finally "gets" it, that there isn't a hole to stick his head in anymore. We are proceeding with him moving out. We are going to tell the kids tomorrow night. I told him that he needs to do this, own up to the kids, this will be hard enough for them to deal with, they need to know that their father has integrity. Also I think that keeping up the illusion that "all is well" is wearing on him.

Our daughter knows the specific details of his A. but our 16 yo son only knows that something happened. This will be a surprise to him, since we don't fight and actually have gotten along pretty well during all of this. I worry about our son, he's a great kid. He's always been very proud that his parents were still married to each other. My H and I have decided to try to set aside our own issues and make sure that our children will weather thru this as well as they can under the circumstances.

I do feel guilty asking him to move out, but I think if we cont. as we are, I will end up resenting him. I don't want to do that. Plus he still has unresolved feelings for the OW, and cont. to work with her.

He told me that he still cares for her, but not with the intensity. I don't know what to believe, but our friend, who H had spoken to, told me that he feels that it is genuine. It's hard for me to not second guess his motives. But deep down, I think he is really trying to find an answer to why he had an A and when he "lost" those feelings for me. But I wonder if it maybe too late. It seems like our timing with each other have been off.

I am concerned that when he moves out, he will get lonely and sad. Which will make him turn towards something (alcohol/OW). He has never been good at being alone. I guess that is a chance I have to take. I have told him my boundries regarding his time away. I will not tolerate him being unfaithful.

I did tell him tonight that I was proud of him for going to counseling b/c I know how hard it is for him to open up to people,let alone a stranger. I also thanked him for doing this. He said you don't have to thank me, I should have done this from the beginning and not put you through more pain. I said you weren't ready to deal with this then. He said he's not sure if he's ready to deal with it now. I said you really don't have much of a choice now. Either deal with it or lose it all.

So he will leave sometime next week, if I don't wimp out. Part of me wants to cont. with the plan but now that he's going to counseling....I'm not so sure. I think it will be good for both of us to have a little time away from each other. I know I tend to want to "take care/fix things" So I know that is something I have to work on and if he stays home I will cont. to want to take care of him.

I hope all will end well, whatever that end maybe!

Tami