Hello, I am a 35 year old male; I found out 3.5 weeks ago that my wife of 14 years was having an affair (for 2 years). I have always had trust issues with her. She has moved out a few times over the years but we always worked things out, and she would come back home. She says that she cheated because of me trying to control her (I didn’t resort to that until I started freaking about 2 years ago, now I know that was when the affair started. I feel like I knew). The day I found out I was very upset and ask her to leave; she took the kids (2 girls 11 & 6) to her moms. We talked a few times that first week and she said the affair was over. That she didn’t need that anymore. As the week went on all I wanted was her and the kids about and just wanted them to come home. A week later she moved back in. I feel I understand why she did it, but I still worry that it will happen again and that is all I think about. It has consumed my life. I hurt and all I want is to be happy & confident with my wife and kids. My questions is what do I do to get past this before I ruin what’s left of my marriage?

cprmich, if the reasons for the affair are not addressed, it will happen again. I would suggest ordering Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley off this website. You will also want to read this article about recovery after an affair.

Most importantly, though, is that she has ended all contact with her OM. Has she ended all contact?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

It will take time and a lot of hard work, on both your parts, to get over this. Adultery is as traumatic as RAPE or the death of a child, so you are not going to just "get over it" quickly. You are looking at about 18 to 24 months of recovery.

Welcome to MB Cprmich.....so sorry for your sitch. I've been registered for less than a year and when given this rough recovery timeline (by Mel and other caring veteran posters), I didn't want to believe it.

But it's true.

This forum (and our tough marriage counselor ~ 'MC') has helped tremendously and I hope you're able to commit to the work and time involved because it is worth it.....at least for me. Hopefully it will be for you, too.

Ace

At this point I want to beleive that she has ended all contact with him, but after what has happened how do I know she is telling the truth?

Well, you should want to believe the TRUTH. The way you find out is you watch her like a hawk. If she contacted him via computer, you put a keylogger on her computer. If by phone, then a tap. If by cell phone, then you watch her bill to see if there is any contact.

Is the OM married and if so, has his wife been told about the affair?

You should ask your wife to send him a no contact letter that is approved by you, and mailed by you. Will she write one? Here is a sample from SAA:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she�s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

She said, That once she told him I knew he had to tell his wife and since his life was over they (MW & Him) were over also.

You should get her name and phone # and call her yourself. It is pretty unlikely that she even knows and you only have the word of a liar. So, I would suggest picking up the phone and calling her yourself without warning your W.

I have treid to get the phone number with no luck. Unlisted.

tell your spouse you want the number. If she does not provide it to you, rest assured that he allegience still is with the OM and not you.

cprmich,

Several "move outs" are a two edged sword. Not to offend you but have you been faithful your entire marriage? A complete history with no elephants sitting in the room is an essential component of MB practices.

Best of luck

Yes, 100% faithful. She was my first and only.. No BS


I feel like asking her for the number would be wrong for some reason. Are these feeling unfounded?

I mean asking her would be calling her a liar

Huh? She is a liar. By comission or omission. She has been lying to you for two years. She must regain trust through complete openess, honesty, transparency. Have you done the reading here. It is extremely beneficial.

I have another question though. Why would you let her take your children. She is the one behaving immorally. If she decides to leave, do not let her take your children with her. Who is she exposing them to? What message do you want them to learn?

There are many overwhelming issues you are having to deal with. You have found a great place, with people with great suggestions, to help you navigate through this. Keep reading, thinking, and talking/questioning/venting here.

Best Wishes

FTS

That's why I am here, normaly I would just let it go, because I want to trust her, I want to beleive what she says is true. Because I want things to work out.

I did just get that phone number (to the guy's house) I am just not sure if I can use it?

Is he married? The point of disclosure is to stop the A. If he is M'ed his wife has a right to know and she can assist you in monitoring his behavior to stop contact. Have you read the books. Your wife needs to agree to NC and write the letter with you for you to mail. Is the A one that takes place at work? hobbies?

Exposure is not vindictive, it is to stop the A and because the OM's wife deserves the opportunity to work on her M or leave as she sees fit as well.

Your wife can not be believed without verification. She lost that right. She must earn it back.

Read the books and information here. Surviving an Affair, His Needs/her needs. Listen to Melody lane, she is a great resource. Put your plan together for exposure, and for Plan A. Read here about Plan A and Plan B, about radical honesty and POJA (policy of joint agreement).

Keep reading and posting,

Best wishes,

FTS

A two year affair doesn't just end. Trust but verify as Reagan would say. Contact that wife and keeping checking up on your wife.

Trusting an untrustworthy person is not going to help you work things out, friend. Trust has to be EARNED and your wife has not earned it. She must DEMONSTRATE trustworhty behavior in order for you to trust her again. It would be sillier than he11 to trust her now, though, because she is not trustworthy.


Yes, you can. And you SHOULD. You should call up the OMW, identify yourself and tell her all about the affair. Ask her to do her best to watch the infidel from her end to ensure contact is ended. Since your wife says she already knows, she will have no problem with you calling her up.

When you call, though, disguise your # with *67 so the OM doesn't see your name on his caller ID. Don't leave a message if she is not there, just call back. If you can't reach her on the phone, then drive to his house and tell her in person.

Ok, I will call his wife today.
I have done some reading on here and now I understand how she got away with it. The best defense is a good offense and she played it really well. Making me feel like it was all in my head. I see the light now.

I just don't understand why I feel the way I do. Why do I want to trust her so much? Why do I worry about making her made at me still. Why do I feel like I did something wrong?

We are split up again, this time for good. Found out today (cell phone records) that he was not the only one. So I Put her out, The kids wanted to go with her though. Now what?