She told me before she came back home, I didn't ask her she just came out and said that she would stop cheating and she was sure of it.

She knows how much it hurts when she cheats, she has told me many times she does not want to hurt me anymore.

Cpr,

Can you tell the difference between a feeling and choice?

Choose to share with her that you are choosing not to trust her right now and that you're sure you will choose differently over time, as she stays transparent and radically honest with you.

Then you'll feel trusting.

Important to separate the belief from the feeling right now...she chose FROM her feelings...and that's what we reel from...over a lifetime for me...instead acting from my belief, knowing I'm choosing.

Same fighting...which takes two people. When you choose not to fight...instead to listen and repeat...sort out feelings from beliefs...then no fight takes place. Your choice.

Conflict avoidance is part of A's...as is passive-aggressive behaviors, depression...lots of stuff.

Listen to your WW speak...when she says she doesn't want to hurt you...repeat, "I hear you wish your choices didn't hurt me, is that close?"

There's a difference. Helps stop your head from spinning.

Hold still.

Act bravely.

You have made her your master...based your actions on her possible response. Welcome to the human club.

:}

Your signals (feelings) can tell you that you feel she has control over you...to alert you to you putting your power onto her...and to stop that fantasy.

She's cannot control you...you're in control even when you seem to give your power away...choice remains.

When you are together, it feels good. Reasonable, normal to me...infidelity splits us in half, feels like a tree struck by lightning. We lived through their eyes, felt safe in their love of us, safe from their choices about us and our marriage...then they choose to attack the marriage, hence the split.

Coming together feels like you're whole again...feels really, really good...soothes the huge fear of being split forever. Temporarily.

You know that each contact continues the A...and it's her choice about herself, not you.

She can't really split you...you ARE whole, complete, a separate and equal person to her and every other person on this planet. Get to know that down where you don't believe it...

You aren't broken and she's not your fix...together, you both choose to recover...NC has to be firmly in place.

Ask of her, Cpr...ask for transparency, an hour each evening after the kids are tucked in to do the Q's, the LBs, read side by side about marriage, how great it can be from making healthier choices...which makes us healthier people.

Plan and do the play time together...the RC...Harley recommends couples in crisis to spend above 15 hours of undivided attention together each week. Make that happen.

Do counseling...find a great MC who is pro-marriage and knows Harley's concepts...you go, even if she chooses not to right now. Go together, weekly, or even do IC with the MC twice a week (once for each of you) and one session on top of that together.

Only you can stop your own DJs...and they are kicking your tushie and your half of the marriage right now. You must devise your own code you hold yourself to...your boundaries...and live up to them. When you don't, amend.

Stop basing your choices from her possible response...or anyone's. That's dishonest, manipulative and leaves you spiralling downward.

You can do this...help her in her choice to stop cheating...verify, verify through independent means.

Check her cell in front of her. Check her email (get all passwords)...acknowledge her choices...and your own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and perceptions. Own your own stuff, NOT HERS.

The biggest DJ is to see her as doing a smoke screen...you don't know. She may be shocked, moved, incredibly touched you would choose her instead of divorce.

You don't know. State what you perceive, what you like and don't like...own your fears...out loud, with her. Simple statements. Then listen and repeat when she speaks...so you can really separate what is hers from yours.

You don't want this to happen again and again...recovery is tough...post more, read more...ask for more. Do your best now to have the best recovery.

Do you want to hurt her? Do you want to punish her so she won't do this again? Do want her to feel your pain to keep you safe? I'm assuming (caught me) you don't want to hurt anymore. You will. And then you won't. And you will, again.

Pain is necessary; suffering is optional. Get to know when you hurt, it isn't forever and it doesn't actually kill you.

Sure can experience it as if both were true. Know they aren't.

LA

I am doing (trying) to do as you say. But I can't seem to stop worrying about how she feels, I can't get a grip with my self. Every thought is how she feels, and I try not to think about it, but it consumes me still. How do I stop? Should I stop worrying about how she feels completly? When I am away from her I have a pain in my stomach that does not stop. I am zomby like it seems. What is my problem?

cprmich,

Her feelings should be on the back burner right now, in her mind and in yours. That's not to say that her feelings are completely irrelevant, but as the injured party yours are more important.

Be very wary of the one AP that she "might not be able to let go". That is the one that is most likely to bite you in the [censored] in the future.

Her mother sounds like a real piece of work...telling you that checking her cell phone records is wrong? She's either a current/former unremorseful cheater herself, or is completely clueless when it comes to infidelity. Either way, what she has to say should be considered irrelevant.

Transparency is a given...checking cell phone records, etc. is something EVERY MARRIED PERSON should make a habit of, even if there is no hint of infidelity.

You wouldn't stop balancing your checkbook just because you make good money.

Keep in mind a phrase I've come across many times since my d-day:

"Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."

Okay, what exactly have you done to try to save the marriage? Have you exposed the affairs to the other men's wives? Have you exposed the affairs to friends and family? Have you been monitoring your wife's telephone use and computer use? Is she an open book and does she account for her time away from you?

I have treid to contact the one I know of with no luck, I have monitored her cell phone usage and she was still talking to all of them until she moved back, and the last I was able to check she had talked to one that lives out of state. I have the cell phone number of all of them, what is the opinion on calling them (the other guys) and telling them I know, etc.

Ok, I checked our phone records for the house yesterday morning and seen that my Wife had been calling one of the others that she says live in another state (cell phone number is from another state 150 miles away) this is the one that she said she was not sure she could let go. So I went home for lunch and ask her if she had talked him, she said no. So I told her I new that she was calling him. I told her that she needed to stop lying to me or this was not going to work. She got mad and for about 30 minutes we went back and forth about how she needed to stop. I felt bad for making her mad and finally told her if they are just friends to at least tell me when she talked to him and I went back to work. I thought about it the whole reast of the day and decided to give a choice. So last night I told her it was him or me. She angrily choose me and ever since then she has been distant. She said that she would stop lying to me once and for all. But I wonder if she is just going to find another way to talk to him. Part of me just wants to stop and file for divorce. I want to her, but I can’t keep worrying about what she is doing it is slowly eating me alive.

Ok, I checked our phone records for the house yesterday morning and seen that my Wife had been calling one of the others that she says live in another state (cell phone number is from another state 150 miles away) this is the one that she said she was not sure she could let go. So I went home for lunch and ask her if she had talked him, she said no. So I told her I new that she was calling him. I told her that she needed to stop lying to me or this was not going to work. She got mad and for about 30 minutes we went back and forth about how she needed to stop. I felt bad for making her mad and finally told her if they are just friends to at least tell me when she talked to him and I went back to work. I thought about it the whole reast of the day and decided to give a choice. So last night I told her it was him or me. She angrily choose me and ever since then she has been distant. She said that she would stop lying to me once and for all. But I wonder if she is just going to find another way to talk to him. Part of me just wants to stop and file for divorce. I want to her, but I can’t keep worrying about what she is doing it is slowly eating me alive.