GOOD! He has had you pegged and knew exactly how to make things go his way. Now he is feeling some loss of control. You did not do or say anything wrong so it is his problem he is feeling this way.

No real advice to add the great insights you're getting mbm69.

Glad you changed your thread title.

Ace

The thread title was misleading now and I want to keep everything in the same place now. I'm going to edit my first post to add links to my previous posts.


Deep down, the real reason I protected my finances is that I had always wanted to marry this man. My parents were always dead set against it and always told me "if you ever marry him, you will never see us again, because you will have shamed us". So there was a lot of pressure from my family to not marry him. For the record, the same pressure was put on my younger brother who didn't marry his long time GF (they have 2 kids and have been together for 14 years). I do admit I have serious issues when it comes to my parents controlling my life. Maybe that's why I am so controlling towards others.

My parents have always told me that ex was a loser and that I was stupid for being in love with him, that they expected much better from their daughter who was well educated and successful.

As far as the kids are concerned, I always knew that I was financially independent and worst case scenario, I could raise the kids on my own. I just never thought the worse case scenario WOULD happen. I'm a very caring mother, albeit controlling like my parents were. But I know I can take care of my kids, whatever happens.

sounds like your parents are real gems!

so, why isn't your H allowed to see the kids?

He's allowed to see the kids... but it has to be planned ahead. We don't have a strict plan right now.

Also, and I hate to admit it, but my parents have been watching me like a hawk. My mom, to help me out has been sleeping over at my house. She's been trying to convince me that S is an evil ba$[censored]. She's playing mind games with me. But I can't help but having deep feelings for this man for many reasons, and even if he isn't perfect. Before he left he was a kind person and loving father. He took care of me in his own way. And it hurts me that my mother is trying to dimiss him from my life.

My mother is so MAD that he hurt me like he did that she refuses to talk to him and says "he will come back in the house over my dead body". So, I have to sneak around my mother so he can see the kids. It's very unpleasant.

I'm thinking of offering something this weekend though, because my parents will not be around... He loves to watch hockey, so I think I will either invite him over to watch hockey or ask him if I can come watch hockey with him on Saturday. We'll see if he accepts. I just don't know if it's a good thing for the kids to see us together when I don't know if he'll ever come back.

I don't know how to deal with her, because I desperately need the help right now, but I feel with her around, I just can't work to make things right with S.

S blames part of our problems on my relationship with my mother (and father to a lesser extent), and suddenly, I'm realizing why.

you need to kick your mom out of your house and NEVER let her control you again! In reading your posts, I suddenly feel very, very sorry for your husband.

Your mom obviously has severe mental problems that need to be removed from your life. You are 38 years old and this level of involvement is frankly, sick.
You need the help right now???? She is not a help...she is an anchor weighing you down. Your life will never change so long as you enable her bad behavior.
I really feel bad for your husband.

You desperately need her help in what way? It's not a money issue I take it.

Look, you are an adult. He is an adult. These are children that you share together.

If you mom can't understand Plan A, that it is your decision to try to repair your R for the sake of YOUR family (you, him and the kids), then you need to do this without her.

I'm going to tell you something that my parents told me when my DD's dad was running around on me. They were VERY, very angry because I was pregnant and in such bad shape emotionally they thought I would lose the baby. Well after DD was born I didn't want to get back together with him, he did, but for me it was just over.

My parents were watching my DD (they are deceased now) and I went in all bent out of shape over something my ex did and my dad looked a me and said -

"that man is P's dad. you chose to have a baby with him. he is family to P and in a way family to us, now and forever more. AND YOU WILL NOT BADMOUH THIS BABIES FATHER EVER AGAIN."

Well that has served me well, and P loves, honors and respects her Dad, and we co-parent well together. It's all turned out as good as can be expected.

You are not a child. This is your life and your childrens life...not your mothers.

Why did he move out? Does your parents know about your affair?

I have to add that P's dad is not the R that brought me here...the ex I was just badmouthing in a previous post. Lest anyone gets confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My folks know about the EA. S is the one who called my mother to tell her about it.

I need help in organizing the household, S was a great help in that sense... He was great at "domestic support".

My mother isn't at my house tonight... I'm going to have to muster up that courage to tell her what I've been doing.

Ok, so I had lunch with S today. He wanted to see me, and I offered to buy lunch. We ate together at his apartment and we talked about lots of things.

At one point, I rubbed his back and told him "I know you like me touching you right now, but I know that one of the ways to your heart is by being a good friend, and that's what I do with my friends" To which he answered... "if you would,ve been this way, like you have been for the past 2 weeks, during the last few months, we wouldn't be where we are now". I know that, but I realized then and there that plan A IS indeed working. So, there is no way I'm going to plan B right now. I need to continue doing what I'm doing, I think I'm doing something right.

He will more than likely get to a place of anger over this and will pull away from you over it, so be prepared. It's usually only tempory and at this time you must LET him pull away and continue your Plan A, because he will be looking for signs that you have not really changed, that this has all been a ruse designed to get him back, and you will revert to your old ways once that happens.

"I just can't believe it took me leaving before you changed. I am so angry right now. It's not going to work. It's too late"

Be prepared for that. And be careful not to push too hard now that he has let you in somewhat.

And I agree wholeheartedly with MEDC regarding your R with your parents. In a marriage you should be emotionally dependent on each other and parents take a back seat in that dept. It is your husband you listen to, not your mother...in a healthy marriage anyway.

nothing you do will amount to a hill of beans until you get your mom out of your business. he has NO RIGHT to involve herself in your marriage in the way that you have allowed. Nothing will be remotely good enough until you take care of that issue first.

Yeah, I know that about my mother MEDC. It's painfully obvious. I just have to figure out how to go about this without totally alienating her. But, I think I'm going to have to face that possibility anyways.

No matter what you do with a woman that is abundantly controlling...you will alienate her.

How about this...

Mom, your opinion and input into my marriage will never again be welcome until such a time as you are respectful to my husband. Also, I never want to hear you utter another negative word about him. This is my life and it will not be directed by your emotional blackmail and controlling nature.

Your mom is an emotional bully and needs to be put in her place. In addition, you owe your H a big apology for the way that you have handled things with him to date. If you are not certain that your H is having an affair, I would say at this point, either get the proof you need and deal with it according to MB plan...or recognize that perhaps there is no affair.

I have never heard of any mother interjecting herself...and being allowed to do so by her daughter..in a more destructive fashion than your situation. Frankly, you have allowed her input to contribute to you being disrespectful to your husband for years. This needs to be the absolute first thing that is addressed. It is more important than anything else that is or could be going on right now.

I recognise that you see there is a problem with your mom...I just do not see the urgency to have this cancer removed from your marriage. That you would say that you would have to sneak around for your H to see HIS children and not deal with the wrath of your mom is beyond cancerous. If I were your H and you two recovered your M, I would forbid that woman from ever seeing my children again unless she apologized, got counseling and agreed to reasonable boundaries.

I think I didn't realize how much of an emergency it was until you typed it all out.

I just can't function now and need the "physical support". I just can't do it all right now, and my mom, although she has not been help at all with the relationship, has helped me soooooo much around the house. I just couldn't do it on my own right now. I still have to work full time and do my work properly, and I have been half functionning the past few weeks. When I get home, I'm totally exhausted, putting all my energy at work... and I don't know how I could get through my days right now without that help at home.

with her help, comes her interference. you are choosing to continue the destruction of your marriage.

you are an adult...find a way to meet your responsibilities. Hire a maid or a nanny.

Talk about getting hit by a 2x4.

You're right. I'm a totally useless adult who still requires her mommy by her side. I'm pathetic.

no 2 x 4... just an honest outside opinion.

you are only that way until you decide not to be. you could change this all in 5 minutes...literally, 5 minutes.

it's just a matter of choices.

I know... now I'm going to have to be strong enough to make those choices, whatever the consequences may be. But, you are totally right, this is something I've got to take care of. Not only IF I want to get S back, but if I'm ever to be able to stand on my own 2 feet or have a relationship with someone else down the line.

S did tell me that my folks were a big part in the mess of our relationship, and even in his total loss of self esteem. I just didn't realize how much damage might of been done before you pointed it out.

you can do this...and even though it will be very hard at first...and your mom will use emotional blackmail like you can't even imagine, you will be so proud of yourself for cutting that cord.

There is a book by Susan Forward called Emotional Blackmail...great book...it will be helpful to you. The most important thing to do...and to recognize is that every single time you give in to a demand, you are teaching the blackmailer that is what works. It will take a long time and a lot of effort to turn this around...but the first step is knowing you have to make a change. You have done that. Good job. Now, time for action.

Above all mbm, when dealing with this with your parents, do no harm. They are still you parents and this can be dealt with in a loving way that is still honoring of them. I hope MEDC's book ref gives you good advice that way.

Also,

No one is responsible for H's loss of self esteem except H.

Lets all own what we own here and not make excuses or pass blame. He's a big boy, too, and as such is responsible for his own self esteem. Don't you take that on either.