All,

Need some advice and I think some centering. Please be honest about this.

My husband and I've have been married 10 yrs in Jan. We have a blended family with two kids together and one (oldest) from his previous relationship. We've made it work thru the ups and downs, but our relationship is still really good.

Here's the issue - My mother-in-law moved in with our family about 2 1/2 yrs ago. We had to put the two older boys together so she could have the extra bedroom. The reason she moved in was compelling to me at the time - she had been treated for breast cancer and lost her job and was unable to live on her own. I offered to my husband that she could stay with us for a while to get back on her feet. Since that point, she has done zero to get a job, reach out to friends/family, or do anything productive. She reads books and watches TV all day and infrequently interacts with her grandchildren. We have never asked her to pay for anything and she doesn't offer. She does help out by tidying up the house and cooking dinner on most night - which is appreciated. Here's an example: Sunday I go to the grocery store, come back fully loaded with stuff and put it all away. I've just made a pot of coffee for me/hubby when she comes out of her room, takes a cup and helps herself to the donuts without so much as a "boo" to anyone and goes back to her room.

She has two other sons which she doesn't actively contact or interact with (even though we are within 45 miles of the rest of her family) and they haven't offered their homes to her. She moved in with her sister for a short period of time, but their relationship is so poor that they don't speak any longer.

I don't want to be cold hearted, but I'm reaching a breaking point over several issues: 1) There is no end in sight for this to end. 2) She treats the grandkids differently/favors the oldest/youngest and ignores the middle child. 3)My feelings about this are ruining a really great marriage.

I've talked about this with my husband and he and I tend to be on the same page. He's knows I'm unhappy, but he's also torn about it since his mom has no other options and hasn't made any for herself. It makes me feel like a sh&* most of the time and I carry this trapped feeling around. BTW - my closest friends and sister told me not to offer to have her move in, but I wanted to try and do the right thing - now I feel stuck.

Please give me some feedback on this.

Have you told MIL how you feel? It sounds like you need a family meeting to discuss it. Sometimes people are completely oblivious to problems they are causing around them. Rather than let it build up until it boils over, talk to MIL now so she is aware that you are having problems.

You are not a retirement home.

Time for mom to get booted out of the nest.

We have talked about it (over a year ago), and my husband has talked to his mother about it briefly, but I wasn't there to know what really was communicated. As soon as I brought up whether she was having any luck finding a job, etc. she was offended. When my husband talked to her about us needing the space to separate the boys she cried and started packing her stuff, but didn't go. I've determined that she has pretty poor coping skills and doesn't like to take responsibility for many things (which is a lot of why she has to live with us in the first place) or go out of her way to improve herself in any fashion.

Suggestions about where to find employment, attempts to get her out of the house (from my elderly neighbor), etc. are met with frustratingly little response or a lot of excuses. I think that is what gets at me the most - that she doesn't care about what tomorrow brings because she is comfortable and in her eyes no one is demanding anything from her...