Hello everyone. First of all like each one of you, I never expected to be posting on or much less lurking on a website like this. I don't feel as if my heart will ever recover. So typical...housewife/homemaker for 20 years...2 children in college, 1 at home...all free time devoted to children and mundane chores at home...husband always allowed to come and go freely, never having to report in or explain where he has been...trusted on every level. I suspected something along with my child at home...didn't have enough proof until he was being forgetful one night and left his cellphone available while he was in bed. Saw texts, confronted him, told me it was true and even who she was. Wouldn't you know it had to be a friend? We are in the process of reconciling/recovering, but there is one step that can't be followed through on and it is driving me crazy. She is also married, but her husband is very ill. I mean so sick that he can't work, can't drive, has seizures, and his parents have to stay with him during the day. He is such a great guy I'm not sure if he could survive it. But at the same time, she has been given a free pass so to speak. No repercussions, no nothing except maybe no more contact with my husband (I think - he says so anyway). Rumors have been going around for years about her and other men, but they were just rumors I thought. Now, I'm definately leaning toward truths in light of what happened with my husband.

What do I do? I can't even have a complete thought or conversation without thinking of this. Help me please.

Sick or not he has the right to know about this and to decide what he wants to do about HIS marriage. How do you know you are in recovery and that the affair has stopped?

I know you are right princess. I'm just a wuss I guess. My husband says it has stopped is all the "proof" I have. When I first found out I told my husband that I wouldn't tell her husband. That's what makes me so intensely sick about it all.

What about talking with his parents first? IOW, expose to them and see how they suggest you handle it with him. Since they appear to be his caregivers they should know how this will effect him or have an idea at least. He does deserve to know.

LC

This is the same husband who was cheating on you and lying to you the whole time? Now that he's been caught... he's suddenly telling the truth? I'd be snooping big time. Seems like your WH is getting off pretty easy too. He just had to tell YOU that it's over and extract a promise from you "not to tell."

Apparently his illness didn't mean a whole lot to his own wife if she was willing to cheat on him while he's so deathly ill.

BTW-- welcome to MB. Keep reading here. Hopefully you'll find the strength to do what you need to do to really and truly save your marriage.

Welll, the price of that woman is plastic faux rubies.

Tell BH's parents at least, they won't stand for that, I'm sure they will put a leash on her and muzzle her away from the phone. Have you had a confrontation with the WW, yet?

Hey everyone...thanks for all the replies. It seems like I'm going to be telling BS's parents now. Guess first I'll tell WH that I'm going back on my word. I hate it.. he is doing everything right...being patient, showing remorse, being loving. We always have told each other we loved each other. He still says he doesn't know why it happened. Yes, we've got to uncover that hopefully through counselling. He said he would go. It's just been a little over 3 weeks out.

Forward: Your first statement was funny being that she works in her family's jewelry store!

feelingbroken


Honestly, you didn't know any better in the chaos of discovery when you mouthed those words. It's understandable.



And understanding the why, for both of you, will be critical in the depth of your recovery. The "why" always has to be answered in order to prevent a repeat in the future. Trust me, you don't want to live like that.

All Blessings,
Jerry

feelingbroken,

DO NOT forewarn your husband that you are going to tell the OWH's parents. That only gives him and the OW the opportunity to spin a tale to her in-laws about how you are this insanely jealous wife who got it into her head that they were having an affair.

Do not tell your WH. Let him find out when he breaks the NC rule. Then when he's mad, you can reverse to his breaking NC. The man has a right to know, and if his parents think he is too ill, then you have informed and gotten them to assist you with the NC. That is what the disclosure is all about, stopping the A and the contact between WH and OW.

Best wishes

Fled

I know it feels awful to go behind your WH's back and do something you promised not to do. But the only thing worse than breaking a promise is keeping a bad one.

Do NOT tell WH beforehand. You're not exposing to the parents because of WH, you're doing it because of OW and her BS. If you tell WH first, he'll most likely call up OW and warn her. She'll then pre-empt your call to BS's parents. Don't let that happen.

My WW was furious when I told her I'd called the betrayed girlfriend of OM. I also promised on D-Day that I wouldn't. As honest as you want to be with WH, this is one thing that you shouldn't tell him about right now, certainly not beforehand.

Well, just a quick update. I just can't tell BS parents either. They are elderly and in poor health also. So, please pray that I can let these feelings of helplessness pass from me. The OW's BS is so sick that a good day is getting maybe 2 loads of washing done. They also have 3 children: 1 in college and 2 at home.

I am continuing to snoop. Guess that will always be with me. WH is going on a fishing trip with the guys next week and I plan on going by his business and searching for cell phone bills. If need be and I feel that something is happening, I am not above hiring a private investigator.

Life right now is basically living ******....I know that I am not alone here....thank you so much.

Well, how old are they? I'm not considering myself old and I'm pushing 60. Thing about getting old, we just slow down, don't take away the wisdom we could impart to a cheating spouse of our kids. I have health problems, but they are medicated and I can take whatever bad news comes to me.

They need to know they are enabling their DIL to be the village pump while they care for her H.

FB, you are being cruel and disrespectful to the OBS. You can come up with all the rationalizations you want...he still deserves the truth.

HAHAAAHAHHAHA!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Tell them and save yourself and your WH? a lot of grief in the future. If you don't tell them you will always blame yourself, this is how we are made.

Agreed.

What he does/doesn't do with the information is his to decide.

You are not responsible for breaking this poor man's heart or adding to his poor health condition. His WW is...and he deserves to know it.

FB,

You're assuming they don't know...that this will be devastating...makes sense, this was your experience.

What if...they feel relieved? Being gaslighted sucks big time. What if it's a gift to him and his folks to say, "I knew and I knew but I couldn't prove" and their feelings make sense? Great relief in reality, FB.

Don't know their stuff...what they do know or not...sharing truth isn't based on possible response. You want to be truthful in your marriage? Gotta be truthful elsewhere...no one controls the outcome...unless you lie daily by omission by not telling them. You withholding augments and reinforces that your WH withholding his A from you was the right thing to do.

And you know THAT isn't truth, correct?

You're only three weeks out...that chaos, shock, anger, incredulity remains like dust motes in the air. We all remember. Please trust us when we say that acting from your highest honesty is what recovers our half of the marriage...and that includes informing others...whether they know or not...our half. Our act to live from truth, not lies by commission or omission. You've had your fill, I'm sure.

It's an act of respect and can help to break your pattern of determining others' lives, acting to manipulate their possible response, their feelings, their comfort or not...her BH is being done to...whether he knows it or not...you know now you felt it...something off...not meeting your ENs in the same way...his focus away...outside of habit...so does BH. May feel crazy, guilty for thinking, wrong or even justifying why his wife is behaving as she does...free him with truth, 'k? 'Cuz you don't know HIS experience...only that you, like all those rumors from what may have been actualities and NOBODY telling her equal partner, her BH.

Don't join that group...they don't recovery, 'k?

LA

Ok, I'm now leaning toward telling OW's BS. I received some knowledge this morning that he does know about one of her other As. I'm not sure if the other BS in that A ever found out. I'm kind of thinking that they decided to work it out like me and my WH are trying to do. So, of course, I know I must tell him somehow or some way. Should I do it face to face or by phone? I know she probably takes care of the mail, so I don't think that's an option.

Any guidance would be much appreciated...I hate confrontation of any kind...and I know I'm still going to feel guilty. That's all I've been feeling lately. Guilty that I must have done something for the A to happen; that the house wasn't clean enough, didn't cook enough, didn't look right, dress right, act right. All during our marriage if anything went wrong with the kids or bills or anything, it has always been my fault. So, see my past history won't let me feel any other way. And I don't want this to seem like an act of revenge. How do I carry this out without all parties involved feeling like I'm the bad person? And what if he knows or doesn't care because he's so sick that it really doesn't matter?

HELP PLEASE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

feelingbroken...

You should NEVER feel guilty about telling the TRUTH and giving someone the opportunity to make informed decisions about their own life, rather you should feel VERY good about doing that...It is NOBLE, PURE, and JUST...It is the right thing to do for ALL involved...Jesus said "the truth shall set you free"...As a FWS myself I can attest to that being very true-even for ME, the perpetrator, the TRUTH was what brought reality and healing...There is not one soul in this situation who won't benefit from the TRUTH in the long run...So, don't feel guilty about telling the TRUTH...

However, if you don't do this, THAT is what should make you feel serious guilt...Because then you would be sharing the guilt with your husband and OW...You would be an accomplice to their crime against this man by helping them to keep their dirty little secret...Surely you have no desire to have a secret pact with the infidels, correct?

A phone call would be fine to make to the OWH...I guarantee it will be a great relief to you...a heavy burden will lift from your shoulders...Be compassionate and call him today...Will you do this feelingbroken?

Mrs. W

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them." EPH 5:11