I have an interesting situation here. I met a young lady about 6 weeks ago on eHarmony. She lives two hours away. We connected and spoke on the phone for a couple of weeks before first meeting. We've only seen each other twice, but both times we spent the night together (yes, we had Sex). When we are togehther we both have an absolutely wonderful time together. I mean awesome, in every which way. She says as much, and I think so to.

However, here's the thing. First, I don't think she's that into me. She says she takes thing VERY slow, always has (she's 31 and never been married, and a reason for that is I think she is too slow IMO) Nevertheless, I can respect that, to an extent. But it seems I have to push 90% of the time to make thing happen. I make the phone calls, I push to get her to meet me. It sems that she definately doesn't put much effort into things, which may be the right thing to do. But, I don't know, it is not my nature to do things half [censored], and to constantly pursue someone for weeks on end without receiving some of the same push back. I am not one of those men who get off on the pursuit, at least not when it is one sided.
Here's the other thing. Sex. I realize that I had sex with this girl the first time we dated. But, in reality, I am not a casual sex type of guy. I can't stand condoms for one (although I use em until I trust someone and know them well). Furthermore, I am a one woman type of guy when it comes to sex. If we are to continue having sex in the future, I need her to be with me and only me. She can date others, but I would lose all respect for her if I were to find out she were having sex with others.

So, I approached the subject with her and she stated she does not committ to anything or anyone for a long, long time. From that point on I began to lose respect for her. I cannot respect a woman that has casual sex with multiple partners. I realize my expectations are not right, and believe me that 99% of the time I am the one beating off any committment talk. But for some reason I thought we clicked so well, it is wierd, never had that feeling before. So I decided to roll the dice, and I feel I lost.

Now, she is interested in me, I know this, furthermore she enjoys the sex tremendously. But I am losing respect for her, and she does things like wants to wait two weeks every time we meet, and for no good reason. I wonder if I am asking too much, if two people that are truly interested in each other from the get go might want to meet as often as possible?

Maye I am over reacting. But today, after yet again being told to wait for two weeks to see her, I am quickly deciding that maybe she's not ready for anything serious, like I am. Not saying we have to get married tomorrow or anytime soon, but I am a very passionate person, and my flame burns brightest when stirred occasionally by someone who shows the same desire to be with me that I do them.

This is the way my relationships have always been, and for what its worth, I have had some fantastic ones.

Thoughts?

Let me say this as well. I have seduced many women in the past. It is something I used to do for fun, and then later on with only someone I was interested in. I am not saying I am some casanova, or that these women don't know what they are doing. But, when I reflect on my history, it seems that I have never had to wait more than 3 dates to make love to a woman. Ever. And I have dated alot of women. Almost subconciously, we always end up in bed soon enough. Consequentially, unlike some men, I do not think any less of a woman if she gives herself to me. And also, this is why as I grew older I stopped having sex with multiple women at a time.

"It is better to sleep with one woman a thousand times than a thousand women only once."

Since you asked for thoughts-here's mine.

Maybe she's only interested in the sex, because it seems kind of contradictory to me that woman who "takes things slowly" in relationships has no problem jumping into bed with a man on the first date. That's kind of taking things "fast" IMHO.

I agree with you that it's reasonable to expect that two people who are really interested in each other from the get go would want to be with each other as much as possible. Maybe sex this early on has clouded things for you. Perhaps the "intimacy" that was created by this has made you think she is more interested in you than she is in having sex with you.

You also seem to be having doubts (reasonably so-based on her behavior with you) that if she had sex with you on a first date, she may be doing the same on her other dates. That might explain her "two weeks" schedule. You may be just one of the items in the buffet.

Once again-just my thoughts-

You bring some good points into light. I don't think I can accept her just for sex. I mean, believe me, she is beautiful, and has an incredible body. But, I have changed as I have gotten older. Just sex at one point to me was acceptable. I mean, how many guys would say no to a guaranteed booty call every two weeks?

It has never been hard for me, from the time was 13 sex with women has been pretty often. I am not bragging, I really am not, I could care less about conquests and stuff like that anymore. And as such I now want more than just physical pleasure with them. And I am able to do both simultaneously.

But, the thought of her screwing other men just brings a bad taste in my mouth. My respect goes away. And if I don't respect a woman, then she becomes nothing more than a piece of meat to me, to be treated as such and discarded when something better comes along.

My thoughts? Can't type them without getting yelled at by the moderators....

As long as you are educated and mature enough to keep it civil, and not try and preach abstinence or other nonsense to me, I don't mind hearing other people's thoughts at all.

On the other hand, my hats off to you if you cannot and realize this. Self restraint is a trait I admire and seldom practiced by me unfortunately.

OK, I'll bite. So if you are not a casual sex kind of guy, but you had sex with her the first (and second) time you met her, what were you thinking while you were screwing her (to use your words)? That you were already in a committed relationship? Or that it was an exception to your "I'm not a casual sex kind of guy" motto? I think you need to have an answer for this before we can proceed.


Well, did she tell you that she plans to have sex with multiple partners, or did you assume that? "Commitment" may mean different things, and I sure as heck hope that it would take her (and you) a long time before committing to anyone. So I see nothing wrong with that. Did you discuss the issue of multiple partners with her? You seem like you are all over the map here, not knowing what you want but being upset with her when you don't get it.

What would you want from her at this point?

AGG

That's a good point. Let me see if I can elaborate on this. We had been on the phone and chatting for almost 3 weeks before we actually went on a date. It was not like a blind date. As such our date was different, we met at noonish and spent all day and all night with each other. I don't know what to say, except there was a real kinda connection there, or so I thought. I really was not into it for the sex that night, it just seemed to be the perfect nightcap to a wonderful day together. Reflecting back, I probably should not have gotten sex involved into this thing so early. But, I don't know it felt a little more than just sex between us that night, and the subsequent night.


You are correct it is all conjecture on my part about her and multiple sexual partners. I suppose I am assuming that because she did it with me that the option exists for her to do so with others.

However, what I want from her is easy.
1. If we are to continue to have sex, let's only do so with each other. If she is so inclined to date other men at this time then that's her perogative. If another sexual partner will ever potentially come into play, just let me know, and I will move on.

2. Show some freaking interest: call me, write me, plan to come up and meet me. The interest just kinda seems half assed from her.

That's it really. Not looking for marriage, or a true committment yet, I know its still to soon. But the whole sex thing throws a wrinkle in it for me that I cannot avoid.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, I hope I have answered your questions.

Well that seems simple enough to resolve - tell her your views on this issue, and ask her about hers. Don't use vague words like "commitment", but be specific - e.g., "I believe in sexual exclusivity - how about you?"


Yeah, BTDT. Nothing worse than feeling like you are doing all the work. So often I tell women I meet that it's very flattering for a man when a woman shows an interest, and so often they try to play "old fashioned" by pretending their phone does not make outgoing calls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Weird.

But that aside, I think the deeper issue is that you want some affirmation from her - you "sort of" got involved, but are not sure where you stand. So while you do not want marriage/commitment at this point, you want some indication of where things are, right? In a way, that is the unfortunate problem of having sex before really knowing someone - you are already involved, but are not sure who you are involved with, how they feel about you, etc. It makes for a very tumultous start.

I'm curious, in all your previous chats, have you discussed what you/she are looking for, past relationships, etc etc? Do you think you have compatibility beyond the sex? I don't get the feeling that you built much of a foundation before jumping in bed, which no doubt will make things more awkward.

AGG

It sounds to me as if this woman has been quite clear. She wants dates and sex but not a relationship. You say you don't want that so move on.

Next time start with building a relationship first before the sex...makes things easier to understand and you'll know more about the person you're sleeping with.

Might want to consider getting tested for std.

Assuming this is the same person,

"Well, for what its worth, I did meet someone and have been dating them for the last few weeks.

She is smoking "turnheads" hot, funny, and has her PhD. It almost bothers me how someone so fine and smart is still single (never been married). But I guess she has been engaged once and did spend a lot of her early 20's in school.

Best of all, she likes me =)

We'll see how this turns out but so far I've been pleasantly suprised with her.

I was pretty up front about looks, as was she. Which was cool. I also stressed working out, running, and physical fitness as important things in my profile.

-giggidy"



it seems that you do want a relationship and a commitment. It seems she doesn't. Two hours is a long way when you have a job. Also, if she's all that, she probably gets lots of dates. Maybe she just wants to have fun and have sex w/you. After all, you're out of town. She doesn't have to worry about running into you at the grocery store or when she's out to dinner w/someone else. My neighbor is single and smart and professional and doesn't think twice about sleeping w/multiple people. She doesn't wait either.

If she sees you every two weeks, you won't get stale.

Good luck and you may as well enjoy it for what it is.

About condoms...my ex hated them too. And then he got herpes from OW. Of course she told him she was clean. You can't be too careful. I have a friend in his 40s, never been married. He's not a slut or anything but he's had a lot of relationships. He ALWAYS uses a condom. He's only not used them w/two women and that was after almost a year of committed dating. He says it's interesting that he is the one who insists on using a condom. He said the women usually don't care.

[quote
As long as you are educated and mature enough to keep it civil, and not try and preach abstinence or other nonsense to me, I don't mind hearing other people's thoughts at all.

[/quote]

No - no preaching from me - and goodness no, I wouldn't preach abstinence either - I'm far from a prude.

I just hope I don't find myself with a fella who "wouldn't turn down a guaranteed booty call every two weeks".

I'm just confused here - you had sex with this lady the very same day you met her - but you don't want her to do the same with anyone else now. Simply confused.

AND he is losing respect for her. T., you don't suppose she doesn't want to be involved because she thinks you may be shallow? You may be an artiste in bed, but if that's the whole package, then who wants that more than say, once every couple of weeks? If that much.

I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but you may need to look hard at your own attitudes. In an earlier post the word you used to describe women was so derogatory it made me cringe.

Also, it seems a lot of us here make the same mistake. Talking to someone for 3 weeks before meeting them is NOT dating. It is fun and it is a distraction from our real lives which may be lonely and may involve lots of work as a single parent w/a FT job, a jerk of an x, or whatever.

Going out with someone once or twice even when it involves physical intimacy does not automatically lead to an exclusive dating relationship. In fact, unless you are both on the same page, it usually adds to the pain and loneliness we already may be feeling in our lives.

That's the thing, I don't want JUST a guaranteed booty call with her, I would like to get a little deeper with her and maybe start a relationship in the near future.

And yeah, I don't like to have sex with other people who are having sex with multiple partners. It is not what I do. I'm not saying its fair, or makes sense, but to me when I am having sex with one person I will turn down everyone else, until things either fizzle out with that person, or they start having sex with someone else, in which case I leave the relationship/dating thing and move on.
Its my rule, my value, and right or wrong it is something I expect.

I think unfortunately though some of you are right. I am convenient for her because of my distance. Although I did go to see her the first date, so hmm. I've decided that I am going to think twice about sleeping with her again, and will definately double wrap it if I do.

It would have been nice to have met someone a bit more genuine, but such was not the case. My taker is in full effect. Also, my respect for her is just about gone. I just have to treat her like some of the other loose women I have met. Have fun with em if I like, and not invest anything else. And of course get rid of them when something better comes along.
That bothers me inside. Cause I really did like her, and thought we had some potential there.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Her words: I think you are an intelligent, deep, and pleasant person, I enjoy spending time with you a lot and would like to continue to get to know you.

Then she turns around and says she would only like to see me in a couple of weeks.

Maybe she does think I am shallow. Heck,so many liars out there who knows.

And yeah, exclusivity is not something I think will happen. OTOH sexual exclusivity I feel is something that a respectful person would consider. Just too many bugs, diseases, etc going on out there.

What do you think about me approaching her and asking her if she would be ok if I slept with someone else the day before I was to see her again?

ps-
Starving I appreciate your inputs, but there's no need to be so sensitive about terms hun. I am not out to insult women worldwide, but I am not the type to concern myself about making sure I walk this world without offending anyone. I hope you can lean back a bit and not let those insecurities give you a jaded view of other people.

Seroiusly though, thanks again for your inputs.

[quote
I've decided that I am going to think twice about sleeping with her again, and will definately double wrap it if I do.

It would have been nice to have met someone a bit more genuine, [/quote]

Good decision on the "double wrap". And, please don't think I'm preaching - but in my humble opinion, and for whatever it's worth, a woman who would talk to someone on the phone for 3 hours, then meet him once and sleep with him on the same night wouldn't be the type of woman I'd classify as genuine........or maybe genuine slutty....

[quote
Also, my respect for her is just about gone. I just have to treat her like some of the other loose women I have met. Have fun with em if I like, and not invest anything else. And of course get rid of them when something better comes along.
[/quote]

How about a different tactic? When you meet a "loose woman" maybe just take a pass and keep looking for that "genuine" lady you say you want......you don't HAVE to "have fun with them" at all.....

Laura

I don't see any inconsistency in this. I often met women whom I liked but could not see more often than every couple of weeks at the early stages. Nothing wrong with that.

I think your problem, T, is that you decided to circumvent the normal process of getting to know someone you want to have a longterm committed relationship with - instead of getting to know her and learning about her and deciding if she was right for you, you started having sex with her before you knew her, which brought with it all the predictable confusion of "is she seeing anyone else, is she a slut, where is this going, etc?".

I do think it's odd that you keep questioning her "sluttiness" despite the fact that it usually takes two to have sex, so why is she the slutty one?

If it were me in your shoes, I'd back way off on seeing her (and certainly on having sex with her), try to put that genie back in the bottle, and then slowly try to get to know her on the two week centers - and see what you see.

BTW, I also met women with whom I had sex too soon and then started wondering if they were slutty - but in the end, I realized that I was as guilty as they were, and learned to not do that again. So I am not preachinig to you by any means, just trying to share some of my thoughts.

One last observation - you say that you have dated a lot, and had more than your share of conquests - but you do realize that there is little similarity between the two, right? Bagging 100 chicks does not give you any valuable experience when it comes to learning how to look for a longterm partner, how to know what works for you and what doesn't, how to see true compatibility, etc etc. How many relationships (say longer than a few months) have you had since your divorce?

AGG

One relationship since my divorce. Lasted almost 2 years.

And yeah, I think you are right. Dating for me was about the conquest, when I was younger.

But because of this, I think maybe I got involved for the wrong reasons, and the wrong people. And instead of developing my "getting to know you skills" I honed my seduction skills instead. So I got to know someone while I was intimate with them and that could have reduced my senses to other issues.
Who knows. I just had it out with her, and she is standing firm on her belief that she will have sex with whomever she choses etc. That's cool. I know were I stand with her. For me, I have to take a step back and just relax, she is now, if anything, just something in the friend zone.

Why buy the entire pig when she's getting a little sausage for free? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />