I am trying to put myself and my marriage back together after finding out that my h was cheating on me. I was going through a horrible time, lots of hard issues, and when things were just starting to get better...he cheats. The hurt was unbearable...but now it is coming out in anger. I don't want to feel this way, but it comes out of no where. He is trying to rebuild our marriage too, and tries to help me through the pain, but when the anger comes out, he shuts down, or gets very very back at me. I am seeing a therapist, it helps, but i need some input for this anger. I'm afraid if i don't get over this sooner, he'll just have more problems making this work.

jily,<BR>How long has it been since you found out about the affair? Upon discovery, and for a time after, anger is a normal part of recovery. Have you read any of the suggested books on affairs. My favorite is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. She describes so many of the conflicting emotions that we experience in dealing with an affair and lets you know you're not crazy. <P>There have been many suggestions on this site for dealing with anger,,from punching bags to writing letters and of course, therapy. I also went to counseling and it has helped me to deal with the anger. For me it was a conscious decision that I don't want to live like that,,constantly angry. I find things to do to keep busy and refuse to allow myself time to dwell in the past. But this took a long, long time. If your discovery is fairly recent, you need to deal with the anger first. And again,, the answer is the same as it always is,,,,time. It does take time for these feelings to start to fade and a committment to have a better marriage and new life together. Good luck,,

i found out two weeks ago today...i feel pressure from my h to get on with my life...so then i feel guilty that i still have all of this anger. Is there a "normal" time frame for all of this?

jily,<BR>Oh, I feel for you. Did you discover, did he confess, was the relationship already over or did he recently end it? These are all factors in what manner and time frame you deal with all of this.<P>I urge you to stay here and read and join us for support.<P>My personal experience was I felt totally engulfed in pain for about 4 1/2 months before I even began to feel like myself (although I functioned normally because no one besides H, of course knew). It is now nine months and it is still painful at times, but it is not a 24/7 thing anymore. One book I think says the rule of thumb is it takes a spouse about the same amount of time to work though it that the time it took the betrayer to get in and out of the affair. Another book says it takes about 2 years to fully recover.<P>This forum saved my sanity, I'm convinced. I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Jily. I'm sorry for your pain. Two weeks is nothing. You're only just beginning. And your H is not being sensitive for thinking you should be able to just go on after so short a time. I think I was still unable to function (and I mean that literally) two weeks after discovery. It takes a long long time. Its been nine months for me and I still have days when I am incrediably angry. The anger shows itself either through feelings of rage or depression. To be honest, I cannot remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm not saying this to discourage you but to inform you that your'e about to take the ride of your life through emotions that will make your world feel like it is spinning of its axis. I feel so bad for you.<P>If your H. wants to help you he should probably farmiliarize himself with the emotions you will expereince (and which are completely normal). Does he think a rape victim can just carry on two weeks after the incident as if nothing happened? Those scars are with the victim for a long long time. Its the same with betrayal. Its been said that the pain of betrayal in marriage is like the pain of being raped). Is he in counseling with you? He should be to help you through it.<P>Anyway, I don't have any advice on how to deal with what you are feeling. Counseling should help. Time will help. You have a long road ahead of you. Best of luck. Hang in there.

Hello. I feel your pain mine has been going on for 2yrs. I also have a hard time trying to get over the anger. All I can say is just try and let your self feel and work through it. I can't tell you how long it will take but with friends and support I think we can make it. I am new at this forum and I can tell you the few days I have been on it has been a great help to write and read that others have or are going through the same things and feelings. I will be praying for you and good luck.