My husband has succeeded for a whole three weeks with no contact. Don't know if I should laugh or cry about that. Anyway he is still depressed he still misses her. He is still very distant with me and states he needs "me time" He wants to go out at night with his buddy so he can have me time. He tells me he knows he screwed up but something was missing in the marriage. I said yes I know but if something was missing you needed to express that so we could work on it before you had an affair. I told him he never gave me a chance.
He is a very lazy man....won't read a book, not sure if he will agree to marriage counseling however currently he is going to IC due to the fact his mother and I pushed him into it. He has the type of personality that wants things to just happen..forget about it and hope it goes away. He got angry with me for being suspicous and asked how long it was going to last. I truly do not think he understands how devastating this was to me and I know in plan A it is not something I should mention.
How do I fix our marriage with a husband that will not put any effort into it?

kriscast-

If he has a pattern of being lazy and not working on things, that is probably what he will continue doing. How was he BEFORE the affair? Did he meet your needs? Was he a good husband?

It sounds to me like you are way more invested in the marriage than he is. That is always a problem, because the one least invested often cheats.

I would Plan A him another 30 days or so, and then insist on marital counseling.

he was/is a good husband...but looking back no I don't think he met my EN. He did at first and over time he was out of the falling in love stage. I guess I never really said anything I just did for him what I wanted him to do for me which I now know is wrong because obviously he can not read my mind.
Yes I do believe I am WAY more invested in our marriage than he is and maybe I always have been. I believe he will go to marriage counseling but I don't want to go if he does not put forth an effort. Then again if we go maybe at some point something will sink in. He just keeps saying he does not understand how we can get what we had back. I tell him you have to try and you have to work at it. He is VERY resistant to change. I was going to hit him up with MC after turkey day.

At some point you create boundaries and expectations that HE DOESN'T GET TO DICTATE. Make them fair and reasonable and something both of you can benefit from (i.e. MC, IC, learning how to treat each other better, meet needs, worshiping together, etc) but then expect something. Don't let him sit around and pretend or to exist and your needs not get met. You know that you can have a better marriage so go and get it. He will either want to come along or you need to leave him behind.

You know he "says" there is no contact but I just have this gut feeling. He is still somewhat secretive about where he goes especially when he leaves work for lunch. I have also heard he seems to have a personal call at work first thing in the morning and right before he leaves. I can see him doing that so it does not show up on his cell phone. I think he is lying....I am going to head down to his work today at lunch and see where he goes. If I catch him seeing her and he has broken NC and lied to me about it I know I need to go to plan B. However I am afraid he will refuse to leave the house. If that happens what should I do?