Hi all, I was refered to this website from a kind woman and I don't know how to cope . I have been married for 15 years this December and I found out my husband had a mistress for the last 6 1/2 of those years. I confronted him last aug.1 and he ended it immediately. He told me that he had been wanting to end it for a long time, but she threatened to tell me. We worked at the same place, but on different shifts. We are currently trying to repair our marriage and are seeing a councilor, but my problem is that he doesn't seem to want to put a lot of effort into it. He just wants to pretend like it never happened. For the last 2 years, I've known that he had someone else, but didn't have proof and our marriage rapidly declined with my having sever bouts of depression. Now, it's like it was just after his starting his affair. No romance, no sex, no surprises... it's like we're both pretending. I've told him that it's very important to me that he does the things he used to when we first got married. Is this normal or am I expecting too much? I can't seem to find anyone who has been there and took their spouses back. Everyone else ended in divorce. Any advice would be VERY appreciated!

I just wanted to say "hi" and I am sorry you are going through so much pain. Others will post to you with some great advice but I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I am reflecting right now.....

Take care

Read the first 2 post in the Just found out section! They are very helpful.

Demand No contact. Read the spying101 post. Then begin verifying there is actually No Contact. Start Plan "A".
Keep reading this site. Be patient.

Thank-you, and I know that there is NC. One of the demands I made was to have his cell phone password( both online and dial-in), his bank account password, he calls me from work before he leaves and when he's in his truck, and I have quit my job of 14 years so that I can be home on the weekends ( which was also where she worked, and he used to). I probably posted this is the wrong section but this is all so new to me. I did read the first 2 sections and they were very helpful. These last few years were devastating for me. Not only did he cheat, but now I've lost my job and I also had 2 failed businesses. I originally thought that my working so much had something to do with his betrayal, but then I found out that it started way before that. What gets me is that we had a very loving relationship before. We had the romance and everything! I just want that back, but he seems to be content with just floating along and I feel like I need more from him. Even the councilor told him that he was going to have to "woo" me again and he might even consider renewing our vows, but I get nothing from him! I love him with all my heart and have been a darn good wife, the only problem we ever had was with his son, whom I raised ( that's a whole other ballgame there).I wonder if the stage I'm in now is normal or not... the wanting more? Or if we might be headed for stage D. I really need some advice. I'm still crying.

If you just confronted him about the A and he as cut all contact, he is in withdrawl. I experienced the same thing in June07. It is very hard to be patient. This is what I've learned. Do not force issues or feelings. Try not to talk too much about the A. Focus on giving and he will slowly start coming out of his shell. Don't even think about going into therapy till he has come out of his fog.
Give it three months. You will see progress. Recovery may take 2 years.

I can understand that, but he does tell me that he doesn't even think of her at all. Of course, right now I can't believe anything he says, but should it be up to me to rebuild this marriage? He says that it's always been me that he wanted, otherwise he would have left me a long time ago. I do know that there are some things that I must change, but each of us has something that we need from each other. I'm really trying to give him what he needs, but he just doesn't want to reciprocate! What is my next step right now? Lord, I just don't know!

Patience is a virtue. Of course, when you are in this situation, you don't feel very virtuous. The one thing I have found is that by posting on this site, it helps with the relief of tension that you are going through. It does really help, and there are alot of individuals who have already gone through the process and can offer valuable advice. I believe that these marriages can be fixed. Faith, hope, and love...

How can he not think of her at all? Even if he has no feelings toward her he must atleast think about the mess the 2 of them made. It is called remorse.