Hey everyone,

I have read on here every now and then, but never posted. I need some help, somewhere to vent, somewhere to turn for answers...

In a nutshell. I am 31/male married in 2000, 2 boys (4 and 2.5), wife is about the same age, stay at home mom...We've struggled for a number of years, vicious cycle of me not wanting sex with her, her drinking too much (alcoholic), me resenting her, not taking her out, her being bitter and quick tempered, and basically we each blame each other to some extent for things getting where they've gotten...

We are headed toward a divorce, have both expressd that as the solution, but not immediately...My wife has some major surgery coming up that I will be there for through recovery, because I do care about her and the children..

However, she (and me privately) have realized that we're not bringing each other happiness..And we're fueling each other's disapointments...We've tried counseling, to no avail...and are basically both exhausted and not wanting to keep bickering and arguing in front of the children..

Our hope is that as we emerge somehow through all this, we will both be better as individual parents (co-parenting), and better able to have solid good time with kids alone without arguing or worry about each other getting in the way...

She's been disapointed and not happy for a long time. Recently she tracked down and started what I label as an emotional affair with her first love...phone calls and emails...she's planning to fly and go see him to reconnect and see if there could ever be something in the future...i dont understand, dont want to, and it hurts to think about...

So she's gonna take this trip, I'll get out of town too with the boys. Afterwards, we'll figure out our plan based on her surgery...she wants me around until after the recovery (living in separate rooms)...i can do that, have set some boundaries, and if we can do that peacefully, then great..if not, then I will have to move out and be there for her through surgery although not living there...

It's messed up. And I'l need a place to vent. I think both of us realize this is best. We don't want the boys to grow up thinking our marriage is healthy and normal...They'll be better for it once we're through it...

Yet I am freaking out inside right now...How will we manage the finances? I want her as does she to stay at home with boys, yet we're not a big income family...already strapped...so freaking out about finances...also freaking out about the boys...they need to be in both of our lives...I dont want either of us to do something that'll jeopardize that...I dont want to see them hurt, and hopefully they're still young enough...I am freaking out about really losing my best friend, yet keeping her as a friend in a different way (but its really the same as how we are now, just friends, if we can get past the arguing)..i am freaking out inside about her drinking, she has stated that she will be better able to work on sobriety without me, I hope that holds true....I am freaking out about work, and how can I stop worrying, getting choked up, and stuff and actually do work (been two days now of total absolute unproductivity), i am freaking out about and constantly worrying about anything...how much do I explain to my parents...while i want to explain everything...i can't...it's an injustice to my wife to tell my side of the story...i want them to keep some respect for her...yet understand we will be working towards an eventual divorce...I am freaking about her trip to see her first love...even though we are done in the long run, it still hurts, and will hurt regardless what happens on that trip, its a trip i can't ever understand, and likely can't ever forgive (making reconciliation impossible)

anyway, i am just a mess...and getting ready to pack up at work for the day, go home, and hopefully have an argument free evening with the boys and her around...get some work done tonight...and move on...one day at a time...

I have no friends to vent to, to share my thoughts and worries with, nobody except my parents...and i dont want them knowing details...

I love her, but she doesn't want us to work out...and i can agree that thinks are pretty broken...

I am just scared...worried...sad...and relieved...an absolute mess...

Thank you for listening!

promet

She's having an affair which she fully already intends to take to the physical affair level. This isn't to see about a future relationship...it's ALREADY an adulterous inappropriate relationship.

On top of the alcohol problems this situation is quite a mess for you and these young children.

By the way...no where is it indicated marriage is supposed to make you happy. Chasing happiness through your life will result in nothing but misery. Especially when happiness is available to you right in your current marriage.

The question is...what is the ideal resolution to this situation??? Is it not...you and she reconcile and commit to making your marriage a relationship of mutual and extraordinary care??? If this is the ideal...MB principles CAN help you achieve that.


Another thought. If she has to fly to meet affair boy to see if it will work out "in the future" how does she suppose this could conceivable work with the children. I presume OM lives FAR away. Unless he moves near you it's not like your going to give your drunk adulterous wife custody of your small children and permit her to move out of state are you???

Since you are staying for awhile...you may want to consider building your custody case in the process...just in case this custody battle turns difficult (which is likely). Your children need a stable non-alcoholic non-adulterous parent in their lives....that be YOU.

I also don't think you should be permitting this "trip" or even acquiescing to it. NO family money should be spent on such immoral endeavor. IF you two want to divorce...commit to doing it just the two of you. Thinking clearly and without a third party in the wings MAY result in you two deciding to fix this mess as opposed to ending it. Divorce is a nightmare....especially financially.

Finally...DO NOT MOVE OUT. Doing so means just giving up in the custody battle. Even 50-50 custody would be better than giving up. IF she continues her relationship with OM and he lives out of state you can bet she'll soon be pushing for full primary custody. It's the only way she could possibly be permitted to move out of state to be with him. If you move out you just make winning for her so much easier. Stay...document and build your case...just in case things don't go amicably.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I also strongly advise you to expose her immorality. It's not healthy for anyone involved including your wife that you are still under your commitment to love, honor and PROTECT. Affair relationships are destructive to all around including your wife. Read up here on MB and see the never ending pain that accompanies them. If divorce is the deal...get divorced...just not with anyone else involved.

Thanks for the feedback, and my wife and I are both doing okay in working through the situation together.

As for this first love thing, while it is an emotional affair that I don't approve of, its not something that she wants or plans on developing into a serious relationship, and she has a good head on her shoulders. I do trust what she says..

Our priorities in going through all of this are to 1) both be there for the children (both in physical proximity, custody over the long haul, emotionally there for them and in their lives) and 2) remain friends.

That said, I can accept, but not approve, of what she needs to do in visiting him. If I rage and throw a fit, that pushes her away from me, puts our friendship in jeopardy, and puts our kids wellbeing in jeopardy. If I accept it, while difficult at times, the children's happiness and our friendship will last...

I am not a religious person, and this is not a "morality" issue for me. A betrayal yes, but immoral, I can't say.

What I do know is that together, my wife and I dont get along as a loving married couple. We argue and bicker over anything and everything, have a sexless marriage, are essentially bickering roomates, and do not want our children to know that as "normal." What is normal anyway. We both have unmet needs that we have worked on for years, and we feel that we can be stronger parents and friends if we are not married in the long run.

As for the alochol abuse in the past, there are a lot of different factors. My wife is committed to ending any alcohol and knows the seriousness and reason for doing this. I see her currently with the best head on her shoulders she has ever had and that makes me happy. She is strong and conifident about all this.. Does it mean I won't wonder occassionally if it'll last? No.. But it is not worth me worrying about daily until its a problem in our current situation. Yes I will keep tabs if there is a reason to, but I am not hunting for bullet points and trying to actively build a case against her...We are still friends, good friends, and will work through this together...

So, She has some major surgery coming up, and I will be there for her as her friend and someone who cares about and loves her deeply. Neither of us would have it any other way.
As she recovers, as we develop a plan, we'll figure something out..Short term (i'll move nearby), she'll stay in the house as a stay at home mom (critical to both of us). Longer term, we'll sell the house most likely, to make things more manageable and give us both more independance.

This is a learning process for us, but something that we both feel is right. That's not to say it doesn't choke me up a lot, but again, if we put and keep our priorities (our friendship and the kids) first, we will all be in a better place.

My biggest problem now is a lack of friends to talk to for support and stuff. I'll talk to my parents so they will be there for support and as a sounding board, but I need to find some friends to talk with, keep me from worrying obsessively about nothiing, keep me focused, and stuff...

It's going to be a hard six months or so, but again, we'll both be happier in the long run...

Do YOU have relationship with a woman you want to pursue also???

Lots of foggy type speak in there.

The word "adultery" is in the dictionary...it's NOT just a religious term.

Religion aside...you do know the difference between right and wrong, don't you???

Pursuing another relationship while married IS immoral and is a terrible lesson for children to learn. Adultery combined with divorce destroys children and there is nothing you've described that can't be fixed.

Your "happiness" is irrelevant because you can both CHOOSE to find happiness in your current marriage and family. Choosing divorce you will BOTH regret.

Dr. Harley gives free advice over the radio...call into his show and see what he has to say. Attend a Marriage Builders Weekend Conference (it's much cheaper than divorce). You may have tried counseling but most counselors suck. MB works.

Mr. Wondering