I'm not able at this time to tell my complete story or give very many details, but I do have a question if anyone would like to comment.


DH is a very non-confrontational person - does not want to confront OM or expose. He has given me much grace, probably because of the guilt of his own affair years ago. I would rate our marriage as very much recovered, but it continues to receive blows because OM continues to find ways to make contact every so often. Although I have told DH about each of them, he still insists the answer is to ignore him and stick with our plan to move from the area - which will happen in 7 months.


This is the dilemna. One of the reasons my affair ended was because I found out some pretty sordid details. OM had not only me (for a short period of time), but another OW for most of his decades long marriage. Weirdly enough, that OW and I became friends for a short time and she informed me that OM had said that perhaps his wife didn't want to know about his affair(s) and if she ever did find out she might commit suicide.


Which seems pretty plausible to me. How would I feel if I found out my husband had cheated on me for our entire marriage with not only 1, but 2 (and who knows how many more) women? Probably suicidal. My goodness, I felt suicidal when my husband confessed his short-lived affair to me and he was the most contrite and repentant man imaginable.


So there's my dilemna. It seems unbelievable to me that I would even be affected by these "forced sightings" knowing what I know now about OM, but I am. Do I protect myself and my marriage by insisting on exposure but risk someone killing themselves?

A CLASSIC excuse used by cowardly OP's, usually OM's. How noble for the OP to be so considerate for the person that he/she just destroyed

Hi Echo_Echo,

Sounds like the OM is trying to manipulate you to NOT tell his W so that he can continue to try and "connect" with you again...

I would NOT contact OM at all... Draft a NC letter and let your H read it and agree with it, then send it certified mail to the OM's W.... explain in your letter that her H (your OM) has continued to try and contact you and that you want no part of him.

As it is, the OM can continue to persue you all he wants with no fear that his W will ever find out!

Semper Fi,

RIF

EE

affairees predict all sorts of things............my husband said that if I ever would of found out about his affair, I would of blown up and it would of been WWIII..........did it happen?? NO
OW said that if her husband would of found out......he would of freaked out and he would of killed my husband, because he is so aggressive.....Did it happen?? NO

I think the minute one decides to get involved with somebody else.......you are playing with feelings and people's lives......and you can NEVER predict what might/could happen.

I think in your situation, OW is a coward.........he wants to prevent facing the concequences of what he has done.......maybe his wife would do something completely different......maybe she'd kill HIM! You never know but I can say that it usually comes differnetly than the WS predicts it.
I just don't understand why the OM is so worried about his wife in this point.......if it meant anything to him, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing............what a coward. He's trying to save his butt.......
bb

Are the consequences of telling the truth - whatever they are - ever evil ?
whatever happens is a consequence of the affair, not of the fact of it coming to light.

And the truth just might save OMs marriage too. My exposing to OM's GF catalysed a foundations up rebuild of their relationship.

Expose now.

She is more likely to be suicidal trying to figure what he is lying about. If she is truly suicidal she needs to know what he is doing so she can protect herself from his abuse. Adultery is ABUSE and that is exactly what he is doing to her.

e_e,

I have BTDT. My WH had an A. The OW's BH committed suicide at the front gate of the plant where my WH worked, in front of his W. It could be a ploy to keep your OM from getting caught. But it could also be his W's way of controlling him. The OW in my picture told her H about the A. He had used suicide many times during their 29 yr. marriage to control her & get her to do what he wanted.

Ultimately, the only one responsible, IMO, for suicide is the one who "pulls the trigger". No one makes that choice for them & no one holds the gun to their head or twists their arm. You can't predict what someone else would do & you are not responsible for the choices they make.

Your OM's wife may kill HIM instead of herself. Who knows?? But keeping things quiet, in my personal experience, doesn't help anything. It only makes things worse. If she is suicidal, she has some serious mental problems that need professional help. If she's threatened it before, she needs an intervention of some kind. The BH in my case, had threatened it so many times the it was like the little boy who cried wolf. No one believed he would do it. Blowing his head off in front of his WW was his last act of control over her. Unfortunately, in my case, it didn't work. She was out partying with friends that very night.

Expose anyway. If she's really suicidal, the A didn't cause it. Sounds to me like she's threatened it before, or he's using it to control you. Don't allow it to control you.

This is just my humble opinion based on my personal experience. Good Luck!!!

Thank you everyone for your good advice. I have some follow up questions, if anyone would like to comment.


Do to unusual details I cannot devulge at this time, we would have to move before sending exposure letter. Since we are making a major move a great distance away in seven months, my husband does not see the necessitiy of an interim move. Although I have been honest in revealing to him each breach of NC OM has tried, I have not told DH how it makes me feel. Two reasons - I don't want to hurt DH or make him worry and I am ashamed that I still have feelings for someone like OM.


My next question - if we choose to expose, do I only tell OM's wife about me (which in the scheme of things was quite minor as far as length of time) or do I expose decades long OW (which I've heard is still going on in some capacity). My only thought on that is that when I was having my affair, a friend accidently found out and chose to stay silent. In hindsight, that was a horrible mistake. She should have gone straight to my husband and told what she knew.


I already know (from reading on this forum for months) what everyone's opinion would be on the following bit of information, but if OM chooses to be vindictive and do some of his own exposure towards me, I will lose my job, no doubt about it.


In a nutshell, a lot rests on one sheet of paper with a certified stamp: suicide, immediate move, immediate loss of income. My husband's opinion is for us to stand strong for 7 months and all this will be history.


Any opinions?

EE,

Seems like you are constantly thinking about this pond scum, still have feelings for him, and for some reason are continuously being contacted by him.

Do you realize that the A is still going on?

You must STAY OUT of this guys life. NO CONTACT means, ummm, NO CONTACT.

You go to the courts and get a RESTRAINING ORDER on the low life. If he breaks the restraining order he goes to the big house. THEN.... his poor suicidal wife will find out. Not your fault.

If you expose, do you honestly think the guy will leave you alone?? I BEG TO DIFFER!! He will step up the harassment, specially with non-confrontational hubby letting it all slide.

Way down deep in your heart of hearts maybe you know this and long for it??

Why can't you tell your whole story or give details. This seems all way to mysterious to me. We got too much drama here.

IMHO

kirk

""In a nutshell, a lot rests on one sheet of paper with a certified stamp: suicide, immediate move, immediate loss of income. My husband's opinion is for us to stand strong for 7 months and all this will be history.""

WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA

For the record I do not believe there is any Christian
justification for communicating with the spouse of your OM unless he is harressing you and you have asked him to
stop. If you are in fear, if you are being stalked you
should get a court to issue a restraining order as someone
else has indicated. My suggestion is listen to your husband. Your guilt will not be lessened by contacting
the spouse. The old deal of tit for tat is not a road
you want to travel. This thing can escalate out of control in a hurry. In my town a ex-om just walked into his exlovers office and shot her dead a few months ago. Sit down and write out all the negative ramifications to you, your husband and your family if you send that letter. Forget being a Christian. Forget the harm you may do to his
marriage and his wife and their extended family. Just
think about what it may cost YOU. If you still have feelings for this man work on your feelings. There is too much drama here. Are you trying to make him hate you and
thus cut off any chance of a future? Are you trying to compensate for your husbands apparent lack of action. I
think you should thank God your husband has the fortitude to be rational. The message I get is he trusts your relationship enough to let the OM huff and puff all he wants. Be thankful for that and don't go off half cocked. Way too much drama here.

Mel - I think I hear a foghorn.

I sure would have been grateful to anyone who exposed my wife's affair to me before I stumbled on the truth.

There's plenty of Christian justification for exposing an affair, not to mention Dr Harley says the OP's spouse must ALWAYS be told.

Dr. Harley may be a smart man. But anyone who cuts off his
nose to spite his face is just stupid. I know some of the
hurt spouses here are out for pain for anyone who cheats.
If it means jumping off the diving board into an empty
pool so much the better. EE needs to do some reasoned
evaluation. She is hurting. She is confused. She is
basically a jumble of nerves. I have been there. I have
also been mugged on this site by the best.

She betrayed her husband. Don't you know what that means
to a woman. We are even now in the 21st century subject
to the double standard. Making this public will affect
the rest of her life. There is too much drama here. She
needs to start by respecting her husband's opinion. That
is a road back into her relationship.

No one said anything about making it PUBLIC Brenda. Just to OM's WIFE who has a right to know.

We also know Dr Harley's credentials Brenda. What exactly are yours?

EE says that there are people to whom she could be exposed
as well. That is a deep pool to dive into. She says
she is involved in her church in a previous post. ( I just checked but it apparently has been removed) Bottom line she has a lot at risk here and Dr. Harley doesn't. I think she said that OM knows about her husbands infidelity. Again Dr. Harley has nothing at risk. My suggestion is come to a rational decision and show her husband some respect by respecting his optinion. Isn't reconnection with him the purpose of this website?

For the record, hearing a unrepentant wayward wife lecture others about Christianity is about like hearing a falling down drunk lecture others on sobriety. Did you miss the part in the Bible where they talked about ADULTERY, Brenda, or are you skipping over the hard parts?

The solution to infidelity is honesty, not more deceit.

Christianity promotes TRUTH, not deceit and fraud as you suggest. Brenda, you need to stick to what you do best, lying and cheating, instead of telling others how to be "Christian." sheesh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's always so interesting that people comment on the negative ramifications of telling the truth. Acutually ALL of the negative ramifications are caused by the AFFAIR.

Usually the folks that do have an AGENDA. Brenda has a PRO-AFFAIR agenda.

Brenda, I haven't removed anything and yes I am involved not only in my church, but in my denomination in a high profile position.

Yes, OM knows about husband's infidelity.

And yes, my decision to finally post after just reading for months was based on wanting some rational thinking brought into all the emotions. In my opinion, affairs and everything about them are fraught with drama. How can one avoid it? It's the nature of the beast.

And yes, I respect my husband's opinion. I owe him that and so much more for what I've done.

I also respect Dr. Harley and everyone of you who have posted in response to my questions.

Speaking of drama! I feel like I have opened a can of worms! There seems to be very strong feelings between people. I guess I don't know the behind the scenes.

Anyone care to share your "behind the scenes" story with me? Can you point me to certain posts that tell your story?