Hi,

for those who don't know my story, just a quick preview. My husband had a 3 month affair.(Oct.2000-Jan.2001) It stopped when I discovered it. I couldn't/didn't expose to others as I was in total shock.....Due to the fact that we have a business and well-known.......many knew about it anyways.

I'd say that we have recovered and that we are moving on.

Now my question.......most of our friends marriages are falling apart. A few of them, don't know about my husbands affair.

They tend to come to me to find comfort and just the other day a girlfriend of mine confessed that her husband was having an affair and that he moved out. She told me how painfull and depressing this was for her and that she felt like killing herself at times.

I listened and then told her that no matter how low she might feel, there still can be hope for her situation.....and that our marriage has survived infidelity with success. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was feeling better and that it did indeed have a positive affect on her.

I didn't go into any details because I didn't feel that this would help any of us.......I just wanted to give her the idea that I really can understand what/how she is feeling right now.

Anyways, I was talking with my husband last night and we started to talk about this couple and that he's having an affair.

I felt that my husband somehow didn't feel comfortabel and I asked him if it disturbed him that I had mentioned that he too had an affair and that we recovered.

It does disturb him. It's more than disturbing for him and he doesn't like it at all...........he wants me to avoid these kind of talks completely........

I really don't know how to find a way to make all of us happy. I want my friends to be able to talk to me when they have the need to and I want to be able to be honest.

Due to the fact that I didn't expose his affair at the beginning, is it a bad thing to do now????

My opinion is that if I can help someone that is in the same situation at least I am doing something positive. But somehow, my husbands feels angry about it. Just the same as he would of been if I would of exposed his affair right after d-d..........

Please tell me what you think................

bb

good job asking your DH if it disturbs him!

ask him to explain more about how it makes him feel? so you can better understand his perspective.

explain to him in more detail how you feel about being able to help.

would he be ok with you being a friend someone can lean on as long as you don't mention that he had an affair?

the bottom line... keep talking to HIM until you both get to a position that you are both comfortable with.

my DD wanted me to talk to a friend of hers about family problems her friend is going thru. because this girl looks to me as a psuedo mom and because i also care deeply about her. and i guess since my DD knows i had my fair share of childhood issue too.

DH was not comfortable with it. we talked a lot about it but he never changed his mind. POJA says if not agreement, then you don't do it. and so i didn't. it's a choice you have to make in the end. what comes first your marriage or your friends.

talk more to your DH!!! be sure you let him know you are talking to him because his is your top priority and your marriage comes first.

So...it's all about him, is it? Lady, I'm not sure you've recovered so much as glossed over the problem. Sounds to me like hubby still wants his poor choices covered up rather than have them examined and dealt with.

Just my two pennies worth.

LH

what I think is more important here is why he is upset...I wonder if he has known about some of these affairs and not said anything to you. I would make it darn clear that IF he knows of ANY affairs concerning his or your mutual friends that you will discuss this as a couple.
If he knows of an affair and enables it or doesn't bring it into the light...then I would be concerned that he is an affair waiting to happen.
IMHO, there are two types of people...one is a person that will never stand for this type of behavior in the people they call friend.
the other is the enabler that sits by while injustices occur.

Being married to the latter would be dangerous at best.

BB, as a FWW, I am trying to understand where your H is coming from. It sounds like he has shame and embarassment, which is understandable, but it also sounds like he is only considering himself in the process. Does he not consider how potentially embarassing his A was for you, too? On the other hand, some people are intensely private; does he fall into that category?

In our case, our closest friends, the ones with whom we would have serious talks, knew of the A because we told them. Our friends helped much more than the first two therapists we chose. If a close friend of mine were to confide in me about her H's infidelity, I know that I would share certain aspects of our story with her, and I don't think it would bother me if my H were to do the same.

I had a BS friend who told me about her recovery with her H. She was a little over a year out from Dday. She was a comfort to me, seeing close-up that there can be recovery from infidelity.

I don't think that it's fair for him to muzzle you; it's not like you're trumpeting his infidelity far and wide. You're sharing hope with a close friend. (That would be *my* stipulation - that you're revealing the A to a close friend, someone you know well, not merely an acquaintance)

I think that the both of you need further discussions so that you can POJA this issue.

Take care.

PK

Hey BB!

I think that it's very appropriate for you to help your close friends as long as you don't share all of the gory/gossipy details.

I do wonder why your H is angry over all of this... I can understand him being embarrassed and even reluctant to discuss this with the other couple, but his anger at YOU for helping a friend seems like a big red flag to me.

Mrs. RIF choses not to post here. We have helped several couples that have dealt with A's in their M and Mrs. RIF never activly participated, but she never got angry with me for helping.

Perhaps if you reassured him that you won't share any specific details, but just some of the lessons that you learned, that might help your H understand what you are trying to do...

Anyway, that's what "I think".... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

BB,

Good question. Gotta run to work but will try to post back this evening.

take care,
L

BB,

""Due to the fact that I didn't expose his affair at the beginning, is it a bad thing to do now????""

I say YES it is a bad thing.

Exposure is used to stop the affair. If the affair is over, NC is in force, sincere remorse is shown by the WS, and every effort by both parties is made to rebuild the M, then there is no reason to expose. And may, in this case, be detrimental to the recovery.

When I discovered the A my wife told OM it was over. He called her a couple days later, she told me, and I called him and let him have it. He lives (lived?) in Phoenix and we are in SoCal. There has been no contact in 3+ years.

NO ONE KNOWS. Not any of our friends or family. I have confided in NO ONE, except the fine people here in the halls of MB.

I will not tell anyone. Unless, of course, another dday pops up, which I do not see happening. (Of course I did not see the first one coming, but another dday will bring on much more than a little exposure.)

I would not even tell my best friend if he came to me like your friend came to you. I just know it would kill me as much as it would kill her if friends or family discovered "our" secret.

In your case, "".many knew about it anyways."", you really don't know if your girlfriend knew about it or not, but since it was "out" there, and your FWH has been "branded" already, there should be less discomfort on his part.

But I think I understand how he feels.

IMHO

kirk

BB,

I agree that is a good question. IMO, I don't know if I consider this to be exposure. I agree the purpose of exposing the affair is to hasten its end and it doesn't fit here.

In this case, if your friend had an illness that you had experienced and recovered from, you would probably readily share your experience with her and make recommendations to her.

You are not sharing this with a friend to harm your husband, but to help a friend. The question I have is does this really harm your H?

What I do believe is that BS's need comradery more than WS which is why this forum provides a degree of solice to BS. Those of us who are fortunate enough to have recovered should help others when possible.

I see nothing wrong with simply telling your friend that the situation is not impossible and that you know because you have been there.

I don't know how my FWH would feel about this, guess I'll ask him.

Who

Hi BB,

How interesting to find this question, as just today I shared briefly with someone our history and now feel the weight on my shoulders of having to tell my DH tonight.

I know he will not be mad, as I have shared it, very selectively, before with others, and God has been gracious to use both of us in sharing it very selectively. But there is still this discomfort with how he will feel, seeing as this was our 1st gr dd's teacher I talked to today.

Now it fit perfectly in context with the discussion with the teacher, and I know he will understand how it came up, but I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. (fyi--we are in a very small, private covenant christian school...7 students in dd's 1st gr class, monthly prayer meetings, etc)

But it makes me think that I'd like to have a discussion with him to be sure that he is comfortable with me sharing when I have used good judgement and discretion in doing so. I have never just randomly thrown it out. We have had a very good recovery and would never throw it around in an ugly way, but as a way of offering hope, comfort and understanding to others going through difficult times when God presents the opportunity for our experience to be used.

So to your situation, I agree with the others that you have to communicate with your H and discover what it is that upsets him about you sharing in a very selective environment.

I know how incredibly comforted I felt when I was able to talk to a friend who had walked this journey before me and she was able to understand what I was going through without always having to try and explain it.

Could you come to an agreement of certain, limited, confidential circumstances where you would be able to share your personal journey with someone else in order to help others going through what you have survived?

I commend you for repairing your marriage without ever having told a soul. I feel that sharing with some select others during our recovery benefitted us very much and was a crucial element in our total recovery. Perhaps you could have missed this important step in your recovery and benefitted from it without even realizing it would have been helpful?

Bottom line...you and your H have some communicating to do. I know you can do it.

Blessings,
Glad

Hi all,
thanks so much for all of your replys...........I haven't got much time right now but I did want to add the following.

2 years ago a friend of ours (who had NO idea about my husbands affair) came to us and told us that his wife was having a affair. He told us that he hoped to be happy someday. He was about one of the nicest person I have ever known.................

Anyways, I didn't say a word about my husbands affair and I didn't mention that things could turn out positive. I kept this to myself.

Well................this ended horrible. One night, he had no where to turn.......he tried to call a friend of ours that had no experience about the ups and downs of infidelity and he got turned down.

That night he committed suicide..........

I know that it wasn't my fault but I truely believe that if we would have talked about our experience, it would of had a positive affect on him. I know I can't turn back time but I'm more than sure that he would of called us that night, if he would of known that we understand what he is going through.

I for myself never again want to feel the way this made me feel.................and therefore I feel that if I can give a friend support based on experience, at least I am gaining something positive out of my husbands affair.

I'll be back tomorrow............take care

bb

Hi BB -

On one hand, your friend can really benefit from knowing you have been through this, and that she can too.

ON the other hand, you should POJA these things with your H, and not do then unless he agrees.

You want to reconcile these two, but it may not be possible to do that. Your relationship with your H has to come first. Exposure is a tool to end the A, and once it's ended, and you are recovered, POJA takes over.

I can't remember if your H is on board with MB concepts. I think that affects the odds. If he is on board, (understands POJA) and you put it to him like this "What would it take for you to agree to let me help my friend by sharing the things I did while we were having the same problems?" he may be open to discussion.

If he is not on board, and does not understand the concepts, I think your chances are low that he will change his stance.

Remember that it really doesn't matter what we think, because this is something the two of you have to agree on. It's not like you can can "everyone on MB says your feelings on this are wrong." and get him to change. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now, I know that's not what you are coming here for, but the bottom line is that what he thinks is more important than what we think.

I hope you are well otherwise. I don't see you around much these days.

SS

Later Edit -
I posted about the same time as you did. We realize how much help it can be to others to share our successes. I wish you had talked to him, and yes, you may have helped. However it remains that your H is the most important. Now that you know he is opposed to your talking about it, you need to get his agreement before you share any more.

I fully agree BB. I assume you are really recovered and didn't just sweep it all under the carpet?

This is something that must be POJA'ed with your husband for sure. You definitely shouldn't be exposing him now. Your husband and marriage are more important that helping friends.

Having said that, for my wife's affair, for me, for it to have meaning, meant that we had to be able to help other friends etc who were going through the same fire in their marriages.

I felt and communicated to my wife that when she was really healed, one of the signs would be that she would be able to talk about her affair to other people.

That is most certainly the way it has been. She has posted here on MB, on another forum and has emailed many WW's and FWW's to try and help them.

BUT it's all been POJA'ed between us.

If your H isn't OK with this then you really can't do it.

Hi all,

I had a "quick" talk with my husband yesterday and even though we are not through with our discussion......he told me that there are people he wouldn't ever talk to about this even if they were to confront him directly. (which has NEVER happened and possibly never will happen)

I understand that completely and I relate with that 100%.

I'm sure that our situation is NOT unique but I'll try to explain.

We have a business and therefore are known in public. I'd say that 90% of our customers are women. (lots of gossip)

When I discovered my husband affair it was the most embarrassing situation I had ever went through. Before discovery only one woman asked us if it was true that we were heading for divorce. I was shocked and of course (I didn't know about his affair) I told her it was NOT true and that I was shocked how people can gossip about such things.

Well, you can all imagine how embarrassing this was once I did find out that he was having an affair and that others knew about this before I did.

I never was able to talk to this woman and she pulled back completely. She even avoided all contact.......
I guess I will never know the reasons but I don't have the comfortable feeling to ask her because I feel that this would indeed bring up things in public, mostly after so many years. But deep inside I do wish I knew more about this.

Then there is a guy that knows alot of details, also before me discovering my husbands affair. I see him quit often but I would never confront him. As I said, I avoid these kind of talks and I don't think it would help anyone. I'm sure that it would only bring up details of my husbands affair that would be extremely embarrassing and devasting.

I could go on and on......lots of people know/knew about my husbands affair........I feel terrible when I see them......even now, many years later........

I've had people pull back on me, only because they knew about the affair and I wouldn't talk about it to them. I don't know why they reacted this way but that's the way it was. If I would of told them, they probably would of felt more involved with our situation or whatever........I refuse to talk to people about our private things, just for the sake a telling them and to satify their curiousity.

Maybe it's me, I really don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'd say that my marriage is recovered but that doesn't mean that the painfull feelings have dissolved. It doesn't mean that the embarrassing feelings just go away.
I can only talk for myself and even though my husbands affair was a long time ago it still leaves a scar.

I can relate completely to the fellings of someone that is just going through infidelity and I have the strong urge to wrap my arms around them.... my husband doesn't.

He knows the pain that he caused and yet I can say that he will never truely be able to relate how painfull it really is, unless he experiences it himself.

This is the only reason why I would ever bring up our situation with anyone.

Again, my husband can't relate with that. He's not that big of a talker anyways.

And due to the fact that he was never confronted with his affair by anyone besides me, he felt comfortable.

This whole situation really makes me feel mixed up. Please keep on posting to me and tell me your opinions.

bb

Ok BB, I'm back....

Exposure..... can't change what has been done. When the Xws cringed and grumbled, I told him that's his choice but exposing was necessary for me to heal. Then asked if he was going to help me heal or get in my way? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course he was babbling. He has had to since face many who knew about the A. They didn't rub it in his face. For his sake that was a good thing. My friends and even relatives were mature about it all. If they were to rub it in his facem, that w/b one of the consequences he would have to deal with.

I was not about to sugar coat or ignore anything. Having him back was not worth putting myself or my family back in jeporady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid: Did you miss that BB's H's affair ended 6 years ago?

Or are you saying you'd feel the same way now?

bigkahuna
I was thinking the same thing.......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I just wanted to mention that I talked briefly to my husband just a few minutes ago..........I think that we have found a agreement and I think that the air is clear again for us.

In situations where friends come to me or to him and share problems concerning affairs, depending on their situation it is ok to talk briefly that we have experienced the same thing and the outcome was successfull.
Other than that, neither of us will mention his affair to anyone.

My husband brought up that he will NOT talk to girlfriends about their problems....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />he doesn't want to hear any Marriage related problems from females. He doesn't want to hear any "problems" from any females........

My husband isn't on the Marriage Builders Board as he can't speak English, but this out of his mouth..........really made my day. He's understanding "more and more" .......so our comunication really seems to bring out the best of my dear hubby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I know that some of you might not undertand what my thread is really about but even if the affair might of been almost 7 years ago, there are still issues that come up.

These issues don't come up because we haven't dealt with things properly...........It's like a journey only that we have learnt that no matter what, it's important to communicate about things, the way it fits for us.

I don't think that there is only one "right" way to deal with things........it always depends upon the situation.

In my situation, I think that due to the fact that I couldn't/wouldn't talk about my husbands affair for almost 6 years was my way of getting over this so painfull experience. I didn't/couldn't/wouldn't trust my husband over all this time.

But now, something is happening/changing deep inside of me and it feels good. I'm starting to feel released. The first reaction of my husband set me back abit but it was a good thing that I kept on talking to him.
It was a big step for me to tell my friend that we too went through infidelity and it felt good that it wasn't embarrassing.

For me this means that I am "moving forwards" once again in my journey of recovery.

bb

That was a good post, BB.

Ultimately, it does come down to continuous communication after recovery in order to stay recovered and growing in your marriage.

Sounds like this was another significant step for you.

I am 4 1/2 years from d-day and do not experience pain or embarrassment when I think of it. One thing I can tell you, is that when I share with someone (again in selective circumstances) it provides me with the opportunity to also share how wonderful my H is now and how thankful I am that we have this new beginning to our marriage. He has proven since the A that he is a changed man and he continues to be that changed man to me. I am thankful and blessed.

Perhaps that is why there is a sense of embarrassment when thinking of these people that knew of the A...they don't know of the healing, for all they might think, he is still a cheater and you are a doormat. That would be a horrible feeling indeed...have you ever felt this with regard to the people that new at the time of the A?

Not saying you need to go back after all this time to tell them how it all worked out in a good way...but maybe that is a reason why you have held on to embarrassment and pain in some ways.

btw...just in case anyone is interested, since I shared in my earlier post that I had told dd's teacher yesterday and knew I had to tell my H...I did last night and it was a casual, breezy conversation. I could tell that he knew wherre the convo was headed and he did look hesitant at first but as I explained why I told her...how I shared how wonderful he is and happy I am now...and that she in no way at all acted shocked, judging or anything like that...he was okay with it. That is ultimately what is most important to both of us, that people not take away the fact that he had an A, but what we did with it to turn our marriage around. That leaves me feeling good when I walk away from a conversation like that.

You are doing great BB and indeed are moving forward...we all have to, no matter how long we have been recovered, it can slip away so quickly if we let our guard down and stop paying attention.

Blessings to you,
Glad

Well, I am talking from my experience. The A in our case has been over since 2003, so it's about 4 + years. As you can see, I still post on MB so the subject is one that is still part of my life, even now.

My point is that no healing can be done until the issue is faced for what it is. No hiding, conflict avoiding, minimizing or burying it will work.

Take a look, if the A has been over for 6 years and he is still copping an attitude, you gotta wonder why. Is this still as big an issue today as it was 6+ years ago? If not, then what is it?

See he s/b helping you have closure. He rebuilds your trust, helps you heal with closure, etc.... there will be less of a need to feel how you are feeling and less of a need for him to try to cover up.

So while I may have forgotten it was 6+ years..... the message is the same.

L.

I agree Orchid but exposure 6 years after the affair ended is really punitive. It should be POJA'ed. Sure the reasons for his reluctance should be examined. My wife and I do help people in real life. It's been quite healing for her.

I thought BB's follow up post clarified it for me really.