I'm a bit apprehensive about posing this question... but I'm asking it myself so I'm going to put it out here and see what others think.

B and I have been seeing each other for 2 months now. All is *great*. We have both been through our share of junk. B has never been married, no kids, but he's has had a couple of LTR that ended badly. He says mostly due to alcohol related issues (XGFs were drinkers). That's a non-issue with us, I enjoy *a* social drink now and then, as does he. I can probably count the number of drinks we've both had, on one hand, in the last 2 months.

One of his relationships ended when XGF threw a chair at him - he packed up and left that day. Can't blame him there either. I don't throw things, so neither of us foresees an issue there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now let me preface this with the assurance that I am NOT rushing things... it's ONLY been 2 months, and that's hardly enough time to make life-changing decisions. We've both talked about taking things one day at a time, not rushing things, and we're both content with that. We both did just fine on our own before we found each other, and we both have acknowledged that if we found ourselves alone again, we'd both be OK. Neither of us is needy or clingy. We're both very passionate and affectionate people, and we appreciate our time together, we do things together, but we do things apart too... IMO it's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I don't want to wreck that by being pushy, needy, clingy or anything negative that I've done in the past. I do believe I've outgrown that stuff.

Having said that, I find myself asking questions of myself. I've had no 'red flags' from B, nor he of me - we have an agreement that if we're having one of those, we'll talk about it.

We're both keeping it one day at a time, in the here and now. However every now and then he'll speak hypothetically about the future... once when I was talking about how my kids will be grown and gone in 5 years or so, he said, "And we'll have lots of time to have fun together." So in that sense I know he's at least looking at our relationship as something potentially long term, perhaps permanent.

Other times, he talks about things in a way that tells me he does not want to move beyond the current situation. Like he's happy in his apartment (he's got a nice place with very good rent) and such... I live in a house which I intend to refinance in the next 18 months or so into my name (part of my divorce agreement).

It's way too soon to discuss the future in terms of living together and/or marriage - at best I'd consider that after 2 years of dating. But little things he's said make me wonder if he sees us as dating and living apart ad infinitum, or if he doesn't want to scare me (or himself) by discussing taking things to another level at some future point.

Perhaps I'm just overthinking things. I'm notorious for that and I've promised myself not to do that. I need to just enjoy the here and now, and if it's meant to go to another level at some point in the appropriate future, it will.

I don't want him to do anything he's not ready for, or comfortable with. I don't want to push for things, and I don't want to do anything I'm not comfortable with.

I guess my point is this... my "goal" in a relationship is to find a partner I can make a life with. I believe that B has that potential, based on the time we've already spent together, and I'm content nurturing that relationship at this point..."one day at a time" but with some sort of permanence as a goal.

I don't want to date somebody for the next 20 years, living apart and not getting married. I'm not looking to get married on any time schedule, but I would like to get married again some day and grow old with a man, take care of him and have him take care of me.

I don't want to pursue something now, that has no future... if B doesn't want the same outcome, then I'd be best to cut my losses. That sounds awful... but it's the only way I know how to put it. I don't want to invest months/years into something, if his wants don't match mine. Gosh that sounds harsh.

I love B. I've fallen in love with him and him with me. I want to just keep things one day at a time, enjoy what we have here and now, and not overthink and stress about the future... yet at the same time, I keep wondering if I'm wanting more from him than he's going to be willing to give?

Am I being ridiculous?

I want to talk to him about this but at the same time I don't want to scare him off by sounding too serious, too soon. It *is* soon. Too soon. What is wrong with me that I can't just let it be and see where it goes on its own?

Perhaps I'm afraid to get hurt (again). I know he is afraid to be hurt again - we've talked about that.

I'm trying not to invest too much thought in all this, at least not right now. I guess my *biggest* fear is that I'm going to unconsciously try to impose my will on him - that's the last thing I want to do. I don't want him to be someone he's not. I don't want him to do something he doesn't want to do.

It's almost like if he did want to take it to another level at some future point, I'd question whether he was doing it because he wants to, or because he's feeling pressured to... now I sound paranoid. I am making a conscious effort NOT to push things too fast, for my own sake as well as his.

Of course, due to the fact that thusfar he and I have learned that we think so much alike, he might be feeling the exact same things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> He may be thinking ahead in terms of a couple of years down the road and not want to scare me off either! Honestly that wouldn't surprise me, because the amount of times we've said, "get out of my head!" when we share thoughts that are so alike they are scary...

Like I said, I'm probably way overthinking things. I know I am. It just helps to express it here, and leave it open to commentary by others, so I can better evaluate whether I'm being unreasonable or not.

The bottom line is this... I love B. He loves me. We have a good thing going *right now*, and we both are taking it one day at a time. I should just be happy with that - and I am. I probably need to just focus on that instead of running scared on "what if". Looking too much at "what if" could ruin "what is".

Thoughts?

JinGA

You already know the answer. I'd say yes, you are overthinking things. 2 months is a long way from 20 years. Seems after a certain amount of time (your 2 year statement sounds reasonable) if you are not on the same page in terms of where this is going and what you each want, that you end it.

jinGA - Your entire post could have been written by me (well almost).....

My relationship with BF is 2 1/2 years strong at this point - and I did the same thing you are doing above about 6 months into it. T (BF) would talk about vacations together, his kid's wedding (1 year in the future), he would make mention of how he would take care of me when we both got old and grey, etc. - which made me think that this was his way of letting me know that I was "the one" he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. And, he has his own condo, I have my own house, and we both have had no conversations about merging households, weddings, etc. So we tread along.......

In a conversation we've had in the past, we both know that we'd both like to remarry at some point in our lives (no time limits, and we didn't say that we'd like to marry each other) but we know that marriage is a goal for each of us in the future......but if we don't re-marry, that's OK too. We are both independent, not needy, have our own lives, just like you and your BF do. So, we both say that remarriage would be great, but if it doesn't happen, that's OK too.

I came to terms with the fact that I enjoy our relationship as it is - and since I have no time limit set on when I'd like to remarry, I'm just going to go with it until one of us (or both of us) decides to make it permanent or not. I have no desire to break it off with him, or set deadlines, etc. I can't predict what will happen 10 years from now if we are still together and he (or I) decide that we don't want the same things after all. Would I regret the time spent together or think that I wasted all that time on him? Hopefully not.

I'm at work so this response is probably all over the place - but I think your BF is talking about the future stuff because he likes you a lot and has no plans other than to move forward in your relationship. I would not worry about having to know what his plans are right now - I would just be happy in the knowledge that you are having a wonderful time with each other - and it's obvious that he is too...enjoy it....don't push....

OK - my boss is giving me the "look" - so I'll stop now.

Sounds to me JinGA, that you got a good thing goin' on...GOOD FOR YOU!

Laura

I think that if it's only been two months, it's way too soon to either be thinking about the longterm or thinking that you love him. I am sure that you are "in love" with him, but that is a far cry for loving someone, as you can't love someone until you know them.

As you say in your tagline - one day at a time. When it's been 6 months or a year, do another reality check and see where things are. There is no replacement for giving it time.

AGG

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. Yes I do realize that it's *way* early to even consider these things- but that's my nature, so rather than goof things up by sticking my foot in it, so to speak, I felt comfortable talking about it here.

I'm hearing from you all, what I *need* to hear...that's what I count on you for <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No I'm not going to push, and no I don't think I'm looking to see if my future is all wrapped up in a bow as of right now.

I don't know if he ever plans to marry or not. I asked him once, partly in jest, why nobody has put a ring on his finger - I asked partly due to an earlier discussion on this very board about dating never-married people versus dating other divorced persons.

When I asked him why he hasn't been married, the joking answer was, "Because I'm SMART!"... not because smart people don't get married - but smart people don't marry just because. He and I have talked about 'red flags' and how in the past we've both ignored them to our own detriment... his statement meant that while he did pursue relationships that were teeming with red flags, he wasn't foolish enough to make it permanent. I can relate to that - my last relationship was loaded with red flags - I wouldn't have married the man... but I did have a fairly long relationship with him "anyway"...

I am going to try to put the notions out of my mind, and live for today. If it's meant to become permanent... it will. If not, I'm having a wonderful time in the here and now, with a man who is sensitive to my needs, as I am to his, whom I enjoy spending time with, and who enjoys my company and we have similar interests and values. There's no sense in harming a good thing.

As for being in love versus loving - OK one can make that argument... but I don't think anyone can impose the other's timeline for when it transitions from infatuation or whatever to love... I know that the butterflies-in-the-tummy infatuation factor is just that... and that real love is something that grows over time, and with emotional intimacy. I get that. I do believe I love this man, and that will grow deeper over time.

JinGA

Given this time line IMO you should slow down and take it easy. Just 4 months ago you wanted to get back together with your X. Then 2 months after that you start dating this guy. I think it would be a big mistake to jump into a serious relationship this soon.

You're right... I'm over myself on this issue, and I have resolved to taking things *one day at a time*, and not what iffing everything right to death.

JinGA

Not to thread jack.....but I have a question....How do you know when you love someone.....i mean what do you guage....how much time has to pass.....how much affect does a person have to have on you before....you admit it.

I feel that you truly love someone when you want to make them happy above all else. If your love bank is full your giver is out and trying to meet the loved one's needs in order to make them happy and loved.

As far as telling someone, when I see a woman who seems to be putting me in front of her needs quite a bit it tells me she is falling for me. At that point it might be time for me evaluate my feelings for her and then share them.

As for the original post-

You have two choices, confront him about your fears, or hold it inside you and deal with it in other ways.

I would choose #1.
2 months is a very short time to fall in love, but unlike others I feel that relationships are written in crooked lines and there is no proven pattern to a successful one. So, congrats.

You could deal with it the way I did. I wanted BF to feel special. I have kids so I couldn't exactly "save myself for him", so a few months ago I said "ILY". I said it first which I didn't do w/XH, or the other person I'd felt like that with. I tried to be casual about it but inside it felt like confession or something. He gave me a hug but didn't say it back. Once I would have been mortified at that but it felt good to put my feelings out there. Keep in mind that this wasn't after a month or two of meeting. We've known each other well for a long time and at the time had been dating for 6 months. I asked myself if it was unreasonable or too fast for me to be feeling this way and decided no. Later, he brought up what I had said. I told him just what I typed here, why I said it, how I didn't feel uncomfortable and that I was glad I threw it out there. I also said told him that if he knew he could never feel that way toward me that it would only be fair for him to tell me now.

Thanks for your continued insights. I really do appreciate them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have told each other that we love each other - and we continue to do so, and that's comfortable for both of us.

I like that definition - that you want to put that person's needs above others'. What I *have* learned that love isn't, is putting the other person's needs above your own - rather, both partners' needs need to be in balance - that is to say, that we should be able to fill each others' needs without compromising our own. I believe that B and I are finding that balance - and with me being a mom, he also understands that my kids' needs will always come first above all others, including my own.

I think my initial post in this thread came from my own sense of insecurity based on my history - and has little to do with B himself.

He *shows* me that he loves me. Love is a verb. It's something that we *do*. I do my best to identify and fill his needs, he is doing a stellar job at filling mine - I think sometimes perhaps it's a bit of disbelief on my part, that I could be with somebody who is absolutely NOT selfish, but who is also gracious at accepting love shown toward him.

He still has his own time, I have my 'me' time... and we each need that, and that's OK. I need to do things for and with my kids, and that's OK. Sometimes B accompanies me when it's appropriate - such as when I had to work the concession stand at the football games - he joined me and helped too - because he *wanted* to. I didn't ask him - he volunteered - WOW! He could have just said, "See you tomorrow" or whatever - but no, he asked if/how he could help - and he pitched in 110%. Lemme tell ya, *that* is sexy!! LOL

I go to his place and he fixes me dinner - I ask if I can help and he tells me to sit and relax... he comes here and I enjoy fixing him dinner or whatnot - we *do* for each other because we want to. It feels just as good to be on the giving end as it does to be on the receiving end. Sometimes we both do the work, then sit and relax together and enjoy the spoils. Spoiled is the operative word - I feel like I'm being spoiled and pampered and he has indicated the same.

We have been spending a lot of time together lately - his work was slow last week and he actually came in to my shop to help me 3 days in a row. We got a ton of stuff done, we work well together, I'm impressed with the interest he's taken in what I do and how much he's learned about it - because he *wants* to. The presence of another pair of hands made the work lighter for me, and the emotional boost of getting some big stuff accomplished around the shop is immeasurable. I thanked him profoundly for this - other than the obvious results of his work - just the intangible boost it gave me was worth more than the hours spent doing what needed doing. And again - he did this voluntarily - I didn't ask him, nor did I drop hints that I could use a hand - he saw I could benefit from a helping hand, and he offered it. I told him that while his help was welcome, I hoped he didn't feel obligated - and he assured me he was there because he wanted to be - then he thanked me for all that I taught him. How great is that?

I'm not used to that - but I like it!

I've helped him with some stuff too - things within my ability to assist him with, and in turn he's appreciative of that. I went to work with him one day - he had a small job to finish up and we'd planned to spend the remainder of the day together after he'd done what he had to do, and for that couple of hours I was his 'assistant'. He complimented me on how quickly I learned to anticipate what he'd need next (he's a contractor), and told me that I was a quicker study than his brother who has helped him on occasion. It wasn't difficult - once I saw what he was doing, it was easy to see what he would need next - tools and materials, so when he was ready for the next item, I'd have it ready and pass it to him - piece of cake <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Still it helped him and the job was done more quickly and he appreciated it.

It's really nice to have a well-balanced give-and-take relationship. It's more than really nice - it's amazing!

As to what the future holds - I'm not going to stress over it. We've both been in one-sided relationships and neither of us wants that ever again. Our actions show that, and in how we react to each other's giver. It's good. Today is what matters - not tomorrow, not 4 months from now, not 2 years from now. If this is how it is, and how it remains, it will be long-term and maybe permanent someday because this is how we treat one another.

I think my own insecurity comes from my own history, and from 20 years with XH who is the consummate taker - and when he doesn't get what he wants, he does whatever to get it from whomever and without regard to consequences or who gets hurt. B is nothing like that. He's like me - he gives because the joy is in the giving, and seeing how it is received. It's not a means to an end... he doesn't give to get something in return. Neither do I. XH gave only when he had to, in order to get something in return, and even then quite frequently it was given reluctantly. Totally different dynamic.

I suppose I am/was afraid that the 'novelty' would wear off and he'd become selfish as people sometimes do. I'm not saying that can't/won't happen - but it seems to me that his way of doing things is his way - not an act or a temporary measure. I know myself - I'm not putting on a show only to slack once I feel comfortable. I am comfortable - I want to do for him, he appears comfortable and enjoys doing for me.

That's all we both need <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We've also talked about emotional needs and I've spoken with him about things I've learned here - and we both agree on these fundamental things, and we've both agreed that if either of us feels that our needs aren't being met, to *talk* about it to one another - nobody reads minds, so if I'm falling short someplace, I might not know if he doesn't tell me. Likewise, if I feel like my needs aren't being met in some way, I will talk to him about it.

At this point I just feel like what we need to do is just keep doing what we're doing, getting to know each other better - although we both feel like we've known each other "forever" and we've talked about some pretty deep stuff, and just take one day at a time.

JinGA