Hi, everyone. Like so many others here, my world has recently been turned upside down.

Beginning in September, H's behavior became increasingly distant, cold and angry towards me and even to our children. I tried to talk to him about what was wrong and he blamed it on stress due to a project at work. About one week ago after his project was complete,I insisted he tell me what was wrong~he admitted he didn't feel close to us anymore and stated that he thought he and I had become more like friends. I was devastated and asked him to fight for our marriage. He agreed to MC, but I couldn't believe how cold he seemed towards my sadness.

I became very suspicious something had happened to cause this change in him and checked his cell records. I found out he had been texting and speaking with a coworker numerous numerous times daily beginning in September. I confronted him and he finally confessed he had feelings for OW but also insisted they were only friends.

I kicked him out and told our family and friends about his EA and confronted the OW (she denied that she did anything inappropriate, insisted they were only friends and basically said "whatever" to me and continued to contact H but has since backed off).

The very day I kicked H out, he was very regretful and wanted to come home. He contacted OW himself to tell her that they were to have no further contact and that he wanted to focus on fixing things with his family.

Through finding this site, I have learned so much about where things went wrong...We were not meeting each other's EN at all for so many reasons...demands of raising spirited children and some other issues due to his childhood (depression, obsessive-compulsive traits, stress/anger) had caused me to push him away. He has begun counseling and is on AD.

I am concerned because he still works with OW though only sees her about two times a week...He says they completely avoid each other but admitted seeing her caused him to feel "confused". The one time he has seen her since Dday, his behavior became very cold and distant to me for that day. I explained withdrawal concept to him and I think he understands. I think it is imperative that he leave this job ASAP and he agrees, in the process of trying to relocate. I worry she'll reach out to him again any time now(apparently part of the reason they started to communicate is she needed someone to talk to due to her long list of problems/illnesses...my response to that? talk to ur fiance and leave my H alone!) I hate this gnawing feeling I have of~if she was willing to leave her fiance...what more could have happened here???

H and I have been texting and talking daily. Based on Plan A info, I backed off the anger and demands and tried to be supportive and begin to meet his EN's. I feel that we have grown closer and when H came to see the kids yesterday, we gave each other a very deep and loving hug...I realize how much I do love him and want our M to work and he has told me he feels the same.

We are concerned his moving back and having so many problems with communication/depression will cause us to push each other away again, which we don't want to happen. We are waiting for a call back from a marriage counselor we were referred to to help us make the right decisions for our next step. Does anyone here have any advice for me? I am also going to show H this post so any info/advice for him would be welcome as well.

I feel so blessed to have found this site...The info on EN's, etc, wow, I wish I had found this before! Thanks so much for taking the time to listen.
--------
Me 32
WH 35
2 children, 5&11
married 10years
dday 10.15.2007

Yeah...he's gotta leave the job. Even glances of each other trigger the addictive thoughts and "feelings". It's literally like a recovering alcoholic continuing to waitress or bartend at the bar. Very imprudent and unhealthy.

Below is a link to an online article specifically written to wayward husbands called "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair". It is the first thing I got my wife to read a few years ago. Typically, I tell the BS to print it off and just leave it laying around the house for the WS to find and read. It's just more likely they will read it to figure out what YOU are reading versus having it handed to them like an assignment. It's usually impossible to educate an active wayward mind. Your husband might be receptive to it. It also says the BS shouldn't read it but I did and liked it for myself as well.

Here is the link -- > 31 REASONS TO STOP AN AFFAIR

I'd also suggest you get your husband to post here too as we can be a good accountability partner and help him clear his head on this issue. It may not be pleasant all the time but I promise it will all be handled with good intent.
If he does I also suggest maintaining separate threads and resisting the urge to post on each others threads.

Mr. Wondering

Welcome. If possible, your husband should be living in the family home. It is a mistake to throw him out.

He needs to get another job pronto. They can never work together again without endangering your marriage.

See if he will write her a no contact letter. It should say their friendship was a mistake, he loves you and is committed to the marriage, and he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason.

He should write the letter, and you should approve and send it.

Have you exposed the affair to her fiance? That is a must.

Welcome. Mr. Wondering and believer have good advice. I echo the idea of your H moving back into the home. Now. Before I finish typing, even.

And good luck. you caught this early and there is hope for you to recover your marriage and make it even stronger.

Oh yeah, your H needs to quit his job. Like they just said.

Thanks so much for the replies. It confirms what I was feeling...he should come back home and leave his job now! He has an interview on Friday for relocation so hopefully w/n the next week or so...

Some questions: I would like to ask H to go away with me for 2 days so we can reconnect...inlaws offered to help w/the kids...too soon or a good idea?? Ok for me to ask more questions about the EA or should I leave it alone?

Any more info about EA that you can post that I can share w/my husband to help he understand how to get over the feelings or is it just a matter of time w/o being around the trigger?

thanks again...

thisbitterpill,
Welcolm to MB forums. Sorry you have to be here but at least you are no longer alone. Here's what Dr H has to say about this:



I don't think there is any getting around this position at all. It will simply not work any other way. This has been proven here over and over again.

Dr. H knows what he is talking about. We have all learned this, either the easy way of the hard way. The choice belongs to you and your WH.

All blessings,
Jerry

Wrote with my story of WH in EA, found out last week and kicked out...

Well, H agreed to NC, getting new job and getting IC. Based on info received here, I told him he should return home ASAP and we should start spending time together, maybe go away for a couple of days together and start MC ASAP.

He agreed but said he wanted to ask his counselor about returning(she had said separation may be a good idea when he saw her last week). Now he is procrastinating in calling her?!?

Last week he seemed desperate to return home, seemed to miss me and the kids. Now he seems to be enjoying his time with his roomie, going out when last week he moped and called me constantly.

He has said he is committed to making our marriage work, but his actions are saying otherwise. His lack of making good decisions and making our M a priority seems to be coming into play (this has been a big problem for a while now). I want to confront him about this. Thoughts? Advice? I don't even think I can talk to him w/o yelling or crying right now~I don't want to do a LB but I don't like this...

His counselor is giving him bad advice, at least as far as the marriage goes. Separated people end up divorced.

See if hubby will consent to writing a no contact letter. And he needs to change jobs.

Please expose the affair to her fiance. That may slow it down. But as long as they work together, you will just go through D-day, over and over, and over.

You had better lose that counselor FAST lest you end up divorced. She is a moron who is giving him BAD advice that will destroy your marriage. She cares not a whit about your marriage but only about what makes him personally happy AT THE MOMENT. Seperation INCREASES YOUR RISK of divorce and makes it impossible to work on your marriage. It also increases the odds that he will have an affair.

I would undo that mistake FAST, before you end up in divorce court. You have a serious problem and having this "counselor" in your marriage is compounding the problem 10 fold. She does NOT KNOW how to save marriages and a marriage that could have been easily salvaged is being tossed away because of her stupidity and bad influence.

Thanks for ur posts... Yes, hubby did do a NC. After I confronted OW, the fiance did find out and that's when OW stopped contacting my H.

What do I do when my H won't listen to me to a)leave his job now instead of in two weeks...b)come back home despite counselor's bad advice? I have pleaded and tried to inform to no avail...

He is also going out with his friend drinking almost every night and talking to me less and less... I am very concerned...

Work on your plan A. When you contact him, don't sound desperate or upset. Stay calm. How many children do you have and how old are they? When you do talk to him, tell him what the children are doing-sports, developmental milestones, books reading, etc to remind him of his family life. Work on yourself, that is a big part of plan A--take care of yourself by keeping up on good diet and exercise, get your hair done, stay involved with family and friends who support your marriage. Does his family and your family know what is going on?--that he has left his family and is going out to bars? Use your allies of your marriage--tell them that you want your marriage to work and you want to re-build it. Tell us more about your family, how long married, how many kids, do you work.

Sorry that this situation has escalated and that he is out of the house. Mel is right, this individual counselor that he is seeing is not a friend of your marriage. Hopefully he will just stop going to her. If he brings up her advice, just stay calm and matter of factly tell him that your research into marriage building shows that a separation is the worst thing to do and that it destroys marriages. You can feel confident when you tell him that an individual counselor frquently gives bad counsel regarding marriage building. Many marriage counselors are no better, by the way. Stick to this site!

Best that he not be involved in this forum as he is a wayward. Does he know you are posting here?
Lake

Thanks so much for your advice, Lake. I could actually use some more...

First to answer ur questions, I'm 32, FWH is 35 and we have two spirited children 5&11, married for 10 yrs and together for 12... I am selfemployed, working in the home and FWH works out of the home...

I broke down yesterday and told H I was extremely disappointed that it didn't seem that fixing our marriage was a priority to him. He seemed very sorr and agreed to a)not return to work in order to comply with NC with OW and b)return home. He is returning this afternoon. Does this mean we are in recovery? H is going to IC and on AD. We start MC next week. Am I supposed to be continuing with Plan A for now or should I start to go over ENQ and give him some of the withdrawal info I found on this site? Many thanks in advance...

tbp-- I was literally in your shoes 2 years ago. It's a roller coaster from here out and we still haven't sorted things out. This is a great place to vent and talk to others in the same boat. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride and keep your friends and family close. I'm here for support...not a whole lot of sound advice, but I've been there, honey!!

tbp- I was literally in your shoes 2 years ago. Brace yourself for a bumpy ride, and know that you ARE NOT alone! Keep friends and family close. There are a lot of veterans here in various stages of recovery with good advice. Hang in there!

I don't think you are in recovery yet..working towards it tho. Keep up with Plan A. See how he responds once he gets back home and settled. My WH agreed to participate in MB in lieu of MC but hasn't been as enthusatic (sp?) as I'd like but I think that's typical wayward behavior.

Listen to those giving you advice. They'll help you plan and work the plan. Lake helped me tremendously when I first showed up here....hey I miss your advice Lake! And so many others. Listen, digest what they are saying and keep the faith. (((prayers for you & your family)))

So, did he come home? I agree with MVG, don't consider yourself in recovery yet. Look at his actions first. Hi MVG, I've read some of your threads, just not sure I have anything to add, except--is there some depression going on with your H? Sorry for the partial threadjack.
Lake

FWH came home a little less than a week ago. He agreed to NC and changed jobs. He accidently saw OW (after NC for almost 2weeks) in "street" clothes for the first time and admitted he was under a fog and said he "couldn't believe what he ever saw in her"... so things have been good in that respect.

I feel that part of the reason things have been so good is because I have been following Plan A and trying to meet all his EN's. He has seemed happy.

However, today I had a setback and did some LB'ing. H went to work for an extra long shift (12hrs) and then made plans to go to a friend's house afterwards. I was upset since he didn't consult with me first, then didn't change the plan when I said I didn't think it was a good idea...then he seemed distant while at work today, not calling as he usually does...

When he finally did call, he didn't really ask about my day or the kids' day and seemed anxious to get off the phone. I confronted him about a whole bunch of things and cried...(boy, I wish I could take it back!) He said I was being too heavy for him and that he would text me later...

I guess this is a bad day for me...getting emotional thinking back to all the effort he made with OW(frequent and long phone calls/text messages) when for so long he has made such little effort with me...been so distant with me. How do you gain control of these feelings? I am supposed to be continuing on with Plan A and not really making it clear what my EN's are too, right?

Have you confirmed that he was at the friend's house?

only confirmation I have is by verifying the phone/text records...

"I am supposed to be continuing on with Plan A and not really making it clear what my EN's are too, right?"

Unfortunately, the answer for now is yes, you are to try to meet his emotional needs right now without expecting anything in return from him. This is temporary though because you won't stay in Plan A forever.

The worst mistake we betrayed spouses make is to waffle: to take cues from our non-committal waffling wayward spouse and REACT to their ever-changing behavior. Review Plan A FREQUENTLY: every morning, every evening, and before and after each contact with WS.

Here's another little tip I came across form three different sources: engage your husband in conversation as early each day as practical. The FIRST person somebody discusses things with is the person they bond the closest to. It doesn't even matter what the topic is: the weather, the news, the children, soem tv show, whatever. Typically males don't talk as much as females so they might talk about something only ONCE so it's very important to try to take advantage of being the first (and perhaps only) person they talk to. So calling him before he goes to work each day is a good idea. Just remember to keep it lighthearted and chatty. One of the reasons so many WS's get involved with coworkers is because of this concept. They start out simply chatting about mundane harmless stuff, then joking around and being 'friends', then oops - one thing has led to another.

OK, one more tip: I've read that only 1 in 5 conversations should be about the relationship, problems, or anything negative. Talk about it if he brings it up and isn't trying to bait you into an argument.

This is for Plan A of course. Once you go to Plan B you will stop all contact with him until he proves he is ready to do all needed for recovery.