**** This was originally posted on the Recovery section****

Hi,
I'll try to keep this short. This year I made the biggest mistake of all my life: I had an affair. My marriage has always been difficult, but this makes things much worse.

It started with me switching careers and trying my hand at auto sales. I'm an artist / geek kind of guy and this proved to be quite a challenge. That's where I met the OW, S. She started working there a little after me, was an international student and about the same age as me. She was (and is) a very seductive woman.

I tried to avoid it as much as I could. I didn't have her phone number for 3 months. I defended my marriage in emails. But she wouldn't stop. Eventually she started talking about sex through many text messages and I got tempted. I couldn't control myself... I felt like I was in a fog, like I couldn't really see things.

I kissed her twice. And then, 2 days later, I told my wife.

She was destroyed. It was such a horrible feeling. Of course, she asked me to quit but I couldn't quit. I needed the money and I felt like a failure for quitting. I stayed there.

All I needed was to know that the OW was "ok". I tried to make sure she would go on with her life, but she started lashing at me, attacking me and my marriage. I started feeling guilty - a horrible feeling and one that I'm vulnerable to. Against my wife's wishes, I decided to be "a friend" and follow her from a distance.

As soon as S. saw that I wouldn't fully block her, she started on the sex again. My marriage was hurt from the A already, so things were very complicated at home. The lies started small... I didn't tell my wife that S. was talking to me through text messages. I thought I could handle it myself. Now I know that I have a problem trusting women (I have this deep seated fear of being hurt) and that prevented me from being honest. At this point, I still thought that I would keep control and stay away from her.

I would see S almost every day at the dealership. We texted. And eventually I started seeing her after work to "talk". I swear I wanted to be a friend to her, to make sure I didn't destroy her life or something like it... But she pulled me right back and I fell for it. It's my fault, not having been honest to my wife and my fault to expose us to her again.

S. started saying that we had to have sex. I kept saying no. After a couple of weeks, my resistance faded and we had sex. I felt horrible after that, but I was also falling in love against my will. We started seeing each other about 3 times a week from then on.

While all this happened, I was lying through my teeth to my wife. I didn't know how to handle the situation; I felt cornered. I knew I loved my wife and I kept giving her all the love I had... While, at the same time, leading a double life.

Through couples counseling, my wife became a better wife than she ever was. And I felt guiltier by the minute. I started pulling away from S, trying to break it off. Of course, she didn't want me to so she would have "freak outs" over text and phone, say she was pregnant (which was a lie) and then later theaten to tell my wife. She would say "I need to talk to her and show her how horrible you are. Then I'll confort her in her pain".

Every time I tried to walk away, she'd pull me right back. Through guilt, emotional and real blackmail. And when I gave up, she would "play nice" again. I had no idea how to deal with it.

6 months later, I finally decided to leave the job. I quit on a Saturday and saw S. again, just to talk, on Monday. This was 2 weeks ago and I told her I wanted to move on and focus on my marriage and on my career.

But S. wouldn't have it. Soon the blackmail started again. She started terrorizing me with the same lies and threats. So, yesterday, I decided to come clean and give this a full break. I couldn't handle the pain, the guilt, the fear. I wanted to do what's right.

I told my wife. She was speechless and very hurt. I'm hurting like ****** too. She talks about separating, but I'm begging her not to leave me. I want to redeem myself and make it right again, whatever the cost.

Yesterday still I started a "full disclosure" process. I gave my wife all my passwords, closed the hotmail account I used to use to communicate with S. (in front of my wife), changed my cell phone number. I will give my wife full access to my life so that, hopefully, I can recover her trust.

We have an emergency session at 3 PM today. I want to rebuild this marriage... I'm not a liar and I hate to have acted like one for the last 6 months. I truly love my wife and it kills me to have hurt her like this.

Thanks for reading this (now) very long post...

Luis

Luis,

I tried in other sections too with no luck. You need to put this in General Questions.

I am not one that can say a lot to you because i am a BS and had the same feelings your wife does.

Your story sounds a lot like mine however because the OW kind of seduced my H as well. I know that he could have chose not to do anything about her advances but that did not happen.

Please just continue to tell your wife everything all of the nasty stuff and all if she askes. My D-Day was in January of this year and i am still struggling with it. We have been married for 22 years and i fully trusted him now i do not know if i will ever have that same trust or feelings for him again. Sorry to tell you that but that is what happens after an A.

Everyone here says that it takes about 2 years to get over it and i have not even hit one year yet so maybe. I am not giving up hope. But you have done the right things so far.

Hi Luis,
its brave of you to come here and talk about being the WS, most of us are BS and are very much in pain from S's like you.

I first want to say that people do not fall in love "against" there will, you did this because you wanted to, the fact that you are saying it was against your will tells me you are not taking the blame for this, you are blaming the OW.

Its good that you are being transparent, and no longer lying, thats a start. I am also glad that you are going to MC, and very glad that you confessed, that is a plus.

Keep telling your story and how its going, its good for us to hear and for us to help.

Luis: You are a brave man. I commend you for telling your wife, and breaking ties with the OW. Keep up with the MC and try to stay on the right path. I wish you and your W the best...

Hi Luis,

Welcome to MB!

Like the others said, you'll get more traffic on the General Questions II board...

You have given your W the "best" gift that you could ever give her by telling her about your A. I know that it might not seem like it, but now, your W can make an informed decision based on the truth.

It is possible to rebuild your M, but please know that right now, rebuilding the M is your W's decision. She is the one that gets to decide if SHE wants to rebuild with you or not. I hope that she does and I hope that you will remain as committed to rebuilding as you are right now. There are so many BS (Betrayed Spouse) here that would love for their WS (Wayward Spouse)to show half of the openness that you've shown your W...

Keep reading here and if your W wants a good resource to read, get her a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. For me as a BS, this book seemed to "fit" more with what I was dealing with. Surviving An Affair is a good book too, but when I was just starting out, SAA just didn't help me as much as Torn Asunder.

I wish you and your W the best as you start rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF