I am snooping and am close to finding out who she is.

I want to confront her. How did you do it? At home? At work? In front of family, friends, coworkers, etc...??

What was the outcome? Did she back off? Did she throw it back in your face? Did she stay away? Cease contact with WH?

Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I confronted the OW (who had an affair while her husband was fighting in Iraq, and who abandoned her 12 year old daughter to live with my husband), on our street. She told me that I ought to be happy she wasn't shouting "Na,na-Na,na, I've got your HUSBAND!!!!"

Oh my what an evil beotch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

The need to contact the OP was strong. Thought I could find an ounce of reasoning with her. WRONG!!!

That couldn't have been farther from the truth. In my case, she was feeding the silliness of it and justifying it way past beyond the bounds of this world.

So you must ask yourself what is the purpose of confronting the OW? If you are not able to fulfill that purpose (i.e. stupidity or lack of cooperation by the OP, etc.) what are you going t/d?

See in reality, it does no good to confront the OW. Exposure to others has a more lasting effect.

Learn that the BS can NOT teach the WS or OP anything. They do not have the same sense, morals or ethics as we do. It is like they are from a doomed planet and seek to infest the earth with their babble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

I have to agree with Orchid. OW babbled to the point of me wanting to do bodily harm. Looking back now it was so ridiculous, HER explaining to ME about my H. UGH Once she found out I wasn't going to argue, just stated my postion and expections (ending EA) then she got angry. She ranted, raved, contacted WH via email and voice messages, both ignored. Finally she ceased.

HOWEVER, if this is part of the exposure of the A it might help. Has your WH established NC? Is this part of the exposure process? Or is this revenge on your part? Please don't hear me critizing if it is, I think it's a normal reaction, but you do need to think about what you expect to gain from it.

Ok, I just read your original thread. IMHO is this is going to be hard to even consider recovery if you're not where he is.

And to answer from your other thread, YES it does get better, you WILL find your strength, but it takes time. Listen to the folks here they are a saving grace. Even if you just need to vent. I've learned posting here 1st and getting advice from more experienced folks helps BEFORE I re-act.

(((try and think clearly before acting)))

I hope this helps you in some way.

My husbands affair ended the DAY I confronted the OW. She, a married woman and general dentist in Indianapolis, Ind, was SCANDALIZED <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> when she found out my husband was married and not "seperated." She had "morals," after all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In another situation here, the WW's OM dumped her when Vladie confronted him. Vladie went to the OM's house and insisted the OM send the WW a nc letter in front of the OM's W.

It can often be very helpful to confront the OP and the Harleys have recommended this often. For example, the WS might be lying to the OP about his marital status and this would come out then. Its also good to cause as much trouble as possible in the affair.

My XH had an EA online. It was well after the fact (allegedly went on for 2 1/2 years and had been 'over' for 6 months by the time I got a clue... I didn't know jack about the Internet 10 years ago...) but they were 'just friends'. I found some chat logs on the computer that would have curled your hair.

I sent her a scathing email. I let it *all* hang out. I told her eggggg-zactly what I thought of the pair of them.

She did email back with some lame junk about I should think about why he was fooling around with her... but it was weak at best - I never dignified that with a reply.

At the time she had a blog page (before blogging was called blogging), and she spewed some junk there but IMO it only made her look like an [censored]. That was the last contact either of us had with her - to the best of my knowledge.

I found that out in early 1998. It had started about 3 years before... and I was blissfully unaware. In hindsight I missed a lot of signs, but since I didn't know how the Internet worked, I had no clue. Once I got the 'net figured out, I figured it all out.

JinGA

When I contacted OM, he was smug until I threatened to tell his wife and then he went straight to denial.


I offered to let him off the hook if he would compensate me for my loss of my marriage. (I felt like a pimp collecting from a deadbeat John) He flat out refused and I told him I would give all the evidence to his wife. He said "my family ain't worth anything". He said that I ain't got shat, I said ok, I guess you are right.

I dropped by their house on Christmas Eve and rang the doorbell a week later. They thought it was family as he didn't answer the door, SHE did.

I handed her a wrapped package containing all the evidence I had gathered and said Merry Christmas.

You could hear the screaming all the way to my house over 300 yards away.

For me it did not do any good to contact the OW. She was single a co-worker and knew VERY well that my H was married. He had pictures of us in his office. It was a small department (less than 10 people) and my H had a friend who worked there with him. Evryone in the office knew he was married.

She did not care she wanted my H and was not going to stop until she got him. I know you are not supposed to put the blame ont he OP and I know my H did not ahve a gun to his head when he was with her but I have found out not only from my H but from other people in his company that she pursued and pursued and pursued until she got her way. She had done it with others in the company as well. I have heard from other sources that she has been with just about every guy there it was "new meat" for her.

I talked to her several times and was civil to her even but it did not stop her. My H told her (as well as others in the company) that he was happily married and had been for 22 years but like i said she wanted him and would not stop until she got him.

I still feel like my H was a spineless [censored] for not telling me that things were as bad as he thought they were because i did not at all see it coming. And for being with her. She did not force him to meet her at her house he went there on his own.

But now that i have written a novel, it will probably not make a difference to the OW at all.

I had the unusual circumstance of OWH dragging OW over to my house and knocking on my door the day after he found out.

I got to sit with them for 20 min while she confessed to me while her BH sat next to her. I was in such a state of shock, that after the fact I thought of all kinds of stuff I wish I'd said/done...but after 4+ years, I realize my instict reaction born out of shock was the correct one...I kept my integrity, I did not disolve into a weepy puddle (she on the other hand was a hideous weepy mess) and I was even able to show some compassion to the H and thank them for coming to tell me. (I then spent several weeks feeling as though time stopped and I was still standing at my front door answering their ring...but I digress...)

At any rate...it did provide me an opportunity to gather some facts b4 I confronted my H, and looking back, I am still very glad I had that brief opportunity to hear straight from her mouth and to make her look me in the eye, see my home, my newborn baby and my 2 and 4 year old clinging to my leg. After this meeting their was immediate NC.

My marriage has recovered...her's ended in divorce.

I know of another gal who drove to her WH work, called the woman out of a meeting and confronted her. I think she, too, does not regret the confrontation...the OW was forced to tell her H and then my friend followed up with him to be sure, and that ended it for them, the OW quit her job and both M's are recovering w/ NC.

I know that there are equally as many confrontations that turn out bad...so I wanted to share 2 that worked out as an advantage.

Blessings,
Glad

I didn't know who OW was. WH had left and was staying in a motel. I found the motel, purely by chance and instinct. I waited in the parking lot until I saw her stalking around his car. She left a note on his car. Now, I knew who she was. I followed her as she drove around the parking lot trying to car WH. I confronted her. I was very calm and did not fly off the handle.

She looked like a little 12 year old, like a china doll (she is Korean). I wanted to adopt her! I introduced myself and asked if she knew that WH was married. She babbled and acted like she didn't understand English (she and WH spent hours on the phone together, I know she knows English). I made sure she knew that he had small children. She just sat there with a deer in the headlights look.

That didn't stop contact, it just scared her a little. She was afraid that I would get violent with her.

So, I got translation help and wrote a letter to her husband, who didn't speak any English. I went to their business. I talked to her and gave her husband the letter. He indicated that he knew what was going on and that he would take care of it.

The husband divorced her. The exposure put a little pressure on the affair. WH, OW and OWH were all in the same business together and it didn't go well with the big wigs. They transferred my WH out of state, that put a damper on the affair and they eventually broke up.

Confronting OW did really pi$$ WH off. He was rabid, screaming, foaming at the mouth type stuff. Pretty typical though...

My DH confronted my FOM via email in a simple message.

It went something like this.

"Subject: XXXXX@yahoo.com threads to [email]XXXXX@hotmail[/email]

Courtesy of a little piece of software called Predator Monitor which has been capturing every e-mail and AOL instant messenger that goes thru my home server, I know everything now.

Nothing more will be stated."

FOM's reply (and a big fat lie)

"I shared things on my end long time ago. It is in the past."

FOM gave his notice at work the following day, but stayed on until they found his replacement, 8 months later.

My DH didn't believe he told his W and said he wanted to talk to FOM's W, but didn't want to just knock on the door. He waited until he saw her out in the neighborhood one day and talked to her to be sure she knew. She knew some, but not all.

FOM was a neighbor and coworker and after this exchange literally hid in his house from my DH until they moved a year and a half later. DH said he is the biggest coward he ever met in his life.

The only exchange I had with FOM's W was via notes in the mail. When my DH exposed everything to her a month after the above exchange, he also told her I would like the opportunity to apologize to her. Her reply was that she was not able to accept an apology from me at that time. A few months later she sent me a note in the mail offering forgiveness in which I replied and gave her my apology from me not through my H.

I wanted to apologize face to face, but didn't feel it was right to just show up at their house, which is why my DH told her my intentions.

LC

Remember… I didn't know anything about MB at the time… but here’s my confrontation stories:

With the 1st OW, one Friday FWH came and picked me up for dinner “to talk.” He had made his decision. He took me to TGI Fridays. (To this day that place is a big trigger for me.) He told me that he wanted a divorce and that he had met someone. I couldn’t believe it. I immediately demanded that he tell me who. He told me it was someone he’d met when he went out. He wanted to leave TGI because I was pretty much making a scene with my crying so we left. I begged him to take me out dancing that night (for old times sake) because I didn’t want him to leave. I asked him to take me to one of the new places where he’d been. When we got there we talked some more. I asked him if “she” was there and he said no. He more or less told me that he was in love with her. I straightened up and pretended like everything was cool. (I was dying inside.) I excused myself and went to the ladies room. When I was in there I called OW#1 (I had found her phone number in his pocket a few weeks before and not knowing it was HER.)

PM: Hi, is this OW#1?
OW#1: Yes.
PM: You don’t know me, but my name is PM. I am married to Mr. PM. Happily married. (Okay I know, I lied.)
OW#1: Really? (sarcastically) He told me you guys were divorced.
PM: Nope, not even close.
OW#1: Well you know, he always talks very highly of you.

The conversation went on and lasted about 20 minutes with her saying she didn’t want to be involved with a married man and she would back off so we could heal. (Liar, liar).

Months later (after a lot more stuff happened) I found out that she had a hearing coming up in her custody case. I told FWH about it. He begged me not to go. I wouldn’t listen. I drove to the courthouse on the morning of the hearing and FWH was in parking lot waiting for me. He begged me not to go through with it. I didn’t care. I was determined.

I went in and spotted her standing with her sister. I saw her STBX standing a ways away. I almost went up to him and told him everything, but I didn’t. If I’d found MB early on, I would have called him way before things got to this point, but I didn’t know. I walked over to OW#1 and stood a foot away from her. I finally got to see her up close and personal. She was there for a custody hearing right? She was in spike heels and a very short skirt. That would certainly impress the judge. I just stood there. She had no idea who I was. I didn’t say a word. I ended up walking away and leaving without saying anything.

With the 2nd OW, my FWH asked me if I wanted to go to this club with him (same club where I called OW#1 from the bathroom.) We went and FWH kept wandering off. We danced a couple of times and I wondered what was going on. Why was it okay for him to take me out now? Then it clicked. OW#2 must be here. I asked him. He admitted she was. I begged him to just point her out to me. I wanted to see what she looked like. I promised that I wouldn’t say anything to her. He pointed her out to me. I told my FWH I was going to the bathroom. I walked over and sat down right next to her. I said, Hi OW#2. I’m PM.

Here’s how it went:

OW#2: Wow. Finally we meet. You’re not ugly (what she had said in a TM), you’re actually pretty.

PM: So are you. And you definitely don’t look like a boy (which is what I had said in a TM).

We both started laughing at the situation we were in at that moment (which was surprising to me, I didn’t expect that reaction from either of us). Then we talked… for a long time. She felt bad about being with FWH. She was going through a divorce herself. We talked about our children and lots of non-affair related things. She said “I believe you and FWH will end up together.” I said I didn’t know because too much had happened. She said she believed that he really loved me but he had serious issues. I could see FWH out of the corner of my eye. Boy was he mad. When I got ready to go she stood up and hugged me. I knew we couldn’t be friends but I was glad I faced her. My FWH came home with me that night but slept on the couch.

I thought things would change now that I had faced the demon. But it really hadn’t. She was just a symptom of things gone wrong. My FWH continued to call and see her.

Confronting both of them didn’t accomplish much but it helped me. I had visions of them as goddesses and they weren’t.

My confrontation with OW was via telephone. A little background for you. OW had meet me previously, about 2 years, I was visiting family in New Zealand with our 10 month old DD when A started (we live in UK), XWB told me that he wanted to end relationship, didn't think it was right for him, didn't love me etc.. All the normal stuff.

I was suspicious and started digging around and insisted that XWBF come to NZ for counselling. He would stay with me at my house in NZ which was odd, and made me more suspicious, and after one counselling session, when XWBF left me alone in his room of hotel, I went into his cell phone and read messages that he was sending OW. I confronted him, he returned to UK with the agreement that we would work on things and no contact with OW. I wasn't comfortable with this, so headed back to UK, and sure enough he was still seeing her.

I decided to ring her, my aim was to let her know, I wasn't an object but another human being, that her actions along with XWBF were impacting. I also wanted to let her know that I resented the fact that she had come into my home and slept in my bed with XWBF, and questioned how she slept at night with her conscious. I also told her that things weren't over and that we were working on things - this was news to her. She wouldn't talk back to me, she either listened or hung up, and then complained to XWBF about me.

End of the day, XWBF and I seperated, not long after I arrived back in UK, he moved in with OW, but I had sewn the seed that she couldn't trust him, and that I wasn't going to be walked over. Their relationship ended eventually, and I think to this day, the confrontation helped, she had doubts about trusting him.

So for me, it was worthwhile eventually, it was another tool to be used, but you need to clearly know what you want to get out of it. If you want an adult conversation with other person, then forget it.

Contacted POS OM by phone twice and he promised both times to leave my WW alone (we had a one year old at home). Liar, Liar is what her was and is....

Since my D from ex WW and obtaining sole custody of our now 2 1/2 year old son I told my wife I had better never see that POS again outside a court of law for his sake and mine. I could never confront him peacefully at this point. I did that early on when I was hurt and destroyed but now I would....well let's just say it's not a good idea and he knows it

So some positive, some not so positive.

I really want to get more info on her before I plan my confrontation. I want it to be in person & not on the phone if possible.

Not my experience; a friend told me this story:

When she learned that her H was cheating, (it was a clue when her OB/GYN told her she had an STD and she knew she hadn't gotten it on her own) she went to the work place of the OW.

Walked up to the OW and introduced herself. She knew what the OW looked like because the OW had been in to have lunch at my friend's cafe. The OW worked in a large open office where anything that happened was seen and heard by everyone. It went something like this:

"Hello, I'm Mrs. Cheating Basturd."
"Hello, Mrs. Cheating B. How can I help you?"
"Actually, Ms. OW, I don't really know. You see, I've never been in a situation where I was meeting the woman who was Flrkng my husband before!"

The OW went white. Nobody moved or spoke. They all pretended to be extremely busy with things on their desks as they strained to hear what would happen next.

My friend invited the OW to go out for coffee with her and talk. She learned that Mr. Cheating Barstid had misled the OW [imagine!] alleging that his wife was unable to have sex with him due to a back injury; and that their marriage was a "business arrangement". My friend did not allow the OW to pretend innocence.

She said "If I had such an injury, does it make sense that I would be running a cafe and working as a chef? You know darn well what I do for a living; I've seen you in my cafe."

The OW couldn't say much to that.

My friend was smart. She had already secured and separated her finances before confronting the OW. She had decided she didn't want to remain married to someone who would visit brothels in Hong Kong or schtup one of her cafe customers.

The OW had a lunch date with Mr. Cheating. When he walked in, he did not look good. OW said "What is wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" and he said "I'm terrible. My wife just left me and took all our money."

OW said "Yes, I know. She came to my work and told me she found out about me."

The OW broke up with the Cheating Barstid that day. And my friend left the country and returned to the USA.

The end.

Wish I'd had the balls......

I talked to OW about 5 days after d-day (the A had ended just before d-day) and OW called me.She knew he was married and thought that she would be able to convince him to leave me for her. I told her that men never left women like me for women like her.

It was the most absurd phone conversation I have ever had. First, OW acted like she was the wife and I the OW. She actually wanted me to convince FWH to leave me so that he could be with her.

Somehow the stupid cow couldn't understand that no matter what I did or said to FWH, the affair was over and he never wanted to see her again.

Later the same day, FWH called her with me listening on an extension and again told her that he could never have any contact with her again. She was pathetic and didn't completely go away until we finally sent her a written NC letter that was pretty condescending.

Since then, she has been a ghost.

Who

I have decided if I do confront her that it will have to be face to face. I want her to understand that she is to never contact my spouse again and that I'm not going to give him up.

I went to see what she looked like and man I was shocked to see that she was very unattractive. I couldn't go up to her because she was working but I did call her and she then told me everything. I actually met her & my WH face to face b/c at that point he wanted to come home but he wanted me to sit down with her and hear everything so I would have no questions and know the truth. Well, a few days later she called me and told me all kinds of intimate details about them and it hurt pretty bad. Come to find out she was married before & her husband cheated on her. So she knows how it feels.

I actually talked to her in person the other day b/c I found out my WH had been continuing the affair and I wanted the truth so I could move on. The 1st time I met her she was apologetic & very remorseful to me but the other day she acted like a smug woman who was going to wait for my husband no matter.