happy monday!

chatted with my friend christy from georgia today.. we had a lot of catching up to do. i really miss getting to see her. we have gotten to be such good friends. had gekko and i worked out we were all supposed to hang out together once i was down there. that part stinks since it won't happen,but at least we can still email or call.

my sis and i are getting pedicures together on saturday. :-) it is her birthday, the big 19! i hate her LOL so we are having a girlie day. it will be fun.

things are pretty good on my end. work is still busy, and working on so many other things now too.

later
mlhb

ugh, i have to admit, after talking to my friend yesterday it left me thinking a lot about gekko. we did not even really talk about him at all since there is really nothing to say on the matter. but i guess it is because she is a friend i met through him that was the reminder....

i ended up dreaming about him all night long, that he had a job he was going to be doing near me and would be up this way for a week so we could see each other. my heart is filled with sadness today now. i know it will pass..

when will i completely get over this? we ended pretty much last june. the contact did not end however, and there were many false hopes up until the beginning of october. it has been probably a month sans one email, that i have actually had any interaction with him. these feelings i am having today are really throwing me off. i healed quicker after my marriage ended i swear.

and i am keeping busy. work, college, kids, etc... i guess it is just that sometimes a reminder will throw me off.
like i said, my friend and i don't talk about him at all anymore. and she has been so good to me, i don't want to not be her friend just because i met her through him. but she is kind of a reminder of what would have been.

i don't know...

mlhb

ml;
I don't think you can avoid that connection between her and gekko. It might be better for your own healing to let that friendship go for awhile, until you are better able to separate it from him.

I don't want to downplay your feelings, but so many of them are based on fantasy M. You never reached the day-to-day humdrum relationship. It was all trips and visits and plans and dreams.

I know you don't want to look at it this way, but its probably a blessing that you hadn't disrupted your life and your kids lives to pursue what he clearly wasn't ready for....

I think it would be best for you to seperate yourself from everything gekko-related, this friend included....

oh, i am very thankful that we had not already moved down there. and i know that is what he was thinking as well. a fear of having us all move down there and then it not working out or him not being ready. so for that, i am thankful that he did not push for us to move there and that he did realize he was not ready for that. he could have ignored his feelings and then been sorry for it later.

about my friend, that is a tough one. she has been my rock. she is such a good person, her and her husband. they welcomed me with open arms when i visited down there. they were really the only friends of gekkos that did. not that his other friends did not like me, but they did not warm up to me the way christy and shanon did. she was there for me all summer when i cried, and helped me to stay strong. and she has been there for me for other things as well that were non gekko related. most usually we do not talk about him at all. and i emailed her today and said that to think about him makes me sad (because i do still miss him at times) so please, lets talk about anything but him. and i know she will respect that.

she has been too good to me to let her go, and we do share lots of things in common. i know if i had moved down there, i just know we would have been best friends. i am sad that will not happen. friends like her are hard to come by and i am sad we will not get to spend all the time together i am sure we would have if plans had worked out.

mlhb

you know, i thought about this a bit last night. i think part of why i get a little misty when i talk to my friend is because she is living the life i had hoped and planned to live with gekko. she and her husband have a great marriage. and i believed that is what gekko and i would have had too. gekko had told her and her husband all of the plans he had for us and he emailed her continually about me. she and i were so excited that soon i would be down there. we were going to hang out at the gym together and have spa days and watch each others kids so we could go out with our SO's. she was helping me find christian schools for my children to go to.

now, i don't blame gekko for any of this, i mean we can't keep a relationship going just because i made a good friend and wanted to hang out with her, that's silly. but the whole picture, what she and i were planning, how she was helping me, how excited she was that gekko had all these plans for us... and she was just as perplexed by all of the change of events as i was. she cried right along with me.

so i think that is part of why i get some sad feelings. i know i could fly out there and see her... but honestly , i am still too raw right now to do that. they don't live that far from gekko and it would be extremely hard for me to be in georgia let alone not that far away from him. not sure i could handle that yet. i am sure i would want to see him. so going to see her is not an option. and they are too busy to come here.

i just miss her that's all. i don't allow very many into my circle of friends so i like to keep close to the ones i do have.

mlhb

From the sounds of it, I don't think you will ever be able to separate this friendship from your hopes with Gekko.

I think its a constant reminder of "what-could-have-been" regardless of whether or not you and she discuss him directly.

I think you are grieving the loss of her, along with the other losses. I feel for ya.

I understand you were looking forward to your life down there. And probably you still fantasize about how great it would have been. But really, Michelle, it was still just a fantasy. It would have gotten humdrum and ordinary just like everything else does. I think that is the part you are still having trouble getting through.

Your dream wasn't real -- or realistic.

lexxy,

i don't really see how my "dream" was really unrealistic. yes, obviously living down there day by day would be different than weekends together that are fun. but honestly, the last few times i went down there i was there for almost a week each time, and he had to work so we were somewhat in what a day would look like. and when he came here, it was us and all of our kids together,etc... and there were many reasons that did not go well.. my house is small, we had terrible weather so we couldn't even really get out and do stuff, my animals were an issue, i am sure his fears, and issues that were going on with his ex. so, not all of our times together were these fun party filled get aways.

i don't feel either one of us were being unrealistic in what we thought our lives would be like there. i did not have some drummed up fantasy that we would live some high life and every thing would be happily ever after. we talked about what life would be like, where we would possibly live, whether i would stay home and finish my degree or work, financials, etc.. i don't think anything we planned or talked about was unrealistic at all or fantasy like. the only thing i believe i downplayed in my mind was the fact that it probably would have been a little harder than i would want to admit to be able to move my kids down there. not sure, but could have.

i saw when he was here that there would have had to have been adjustments for both of us to make in a "family" situation. his going from 1 child to 3 and my going from 10 year olds to a 4 year old. and having them all be together. and running kids here and there, etc.. that is an adjustment any extended family situation has to make.

i don't want to beat a dead horse because what we had planned is not going to happen now. having had some time to think, i can understand how, after only being divorced for a year, and he and i being together only months after he left his wife, he did not get that alone time he needed, and going right into an instant family and marriage situation, scared the crap out of him i am sure. i have had a much longer time away from my ex, so it didn't scare me. i was ready. but i would not want him to do something he was not ready for either.

this is my long winded way of saying that i don't think i was expecting a fantasy. anything we talked about most certainly could have happened. maybe not smoothly with kids needing to adjust too, but could have happened.

yes, i am mourning the loss of my friend as well. we keep in touch via email and phone every few weeks, but it is not the same as what it would have been.

when will the sadness end? my life is going great don't get me wrong... but i know i am not ready to let someone else in and i know i am still mourning the loss of someone i really loved. it seems like i have been for a long time.

mlhb

btw, we had snow today.

lovely...

NOT!

take me away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mlhb

Michelle,

This is very similiar to what I did to a very nice woman I dated 18 months after my wife left. I thought I was ready, started dating her heavily, then I got scared and ran. I did not know it at the time but I was rebounding and stepped all over a very sweet person's heart in the process. I don't know your entire story but I bet gekko did not know he wasn't ready at all, and when he figured it out, he also got scared.

Remember, the person that is rebounding is the one with issues. I can clearly see now that I had issues during the time I was dating my GF. I was very messed up from my divorce during that time.

You know what else Michelle?? It has been 3 years since I filed and my X left and I still don't know if I am ready for a relationship. Finding someone is not a priority for me anymore and I think that is a good thing.

Things will get better. The hurt will go away.

Keith

i cannot speak for him of course, but from the things he said to me and his actions more importantly, i would have to agree with you.

he did once tell me " i need you a year or 2 from now, not right now. i was not supposed to meet you this soon." i think that pretty much sums it up.

i just did not imagine it taking me this long to heal from something that was not a marriage. i do still miss him. and i don't want to date anyone else yet. i thought in the beginning, as one could tell from my crazy eharmony posts, that to date right away would help diminish the pain and sadness i was feeling but i know that was not the answer. that it why that little spurt ended so quickly and i canceled that membership. i just did not want to hurt anymore. but i know now i need to go through it. in fact, i have been asked out to dinner a few times recently and i have declined. (and people better not bash me for that or say oh i should go...) i'm not ready to! now i am the one that is scared.

mlhb

I did the same thing Michelle -- I did a lot of dating and tried Match.com for a while after my divorce.
My X and I have joint custody (week on/week off). So on my non-kid week I FILLED my schedule. Every night of the week I had something planned. Happy hour with friends, date 2 or 3 nights per week with different guys, hobbies and activities. It was exhausting.
But it was just part of the adjustment process.

Now? 4 years later I'm kind of a homebody! I've gotten used to my alone time and actually appreciate it and enjoy it.

And if/when my current relationship (which is fizzling out) comes to an end -- there will be no rush to fill my time or date like crazy.

***HUGS*** just for you.

thank you sihw. same to you.

i forgot that i was using this to keep updated on my body transformation process. i had started a new blog to track it but darnit i am too stinking busy to keep up on a blog! i just cannot do it. this is the only place i am posting and the only place i barely have time for.

so, i need to weigh in but have been doing great. i am still waiting for my new dvds and when they come in i should be completely exercise bound again. all healthy choices, no junk. been very very well with it.

so, my down by 45 pounds must have increased by now i would say.

am battling my yearly cold but i will live.

can't wait until college is done this term, i about can't take anymore. :-( need a break.

ok, gotta help my son with homework, there is my update.

mlhb

i have such a sore throat :-(

and sneeze sneeze sneeze

but i will live... hey, i have to, tomorrow is pedicure day for me and my sis! can't wait. it will feel soooooo good.
i have a busy weekend. 2 hockey games, one in town, one out of town. now the hecticness begins. hockey has us running all over the darn place. it is a love/hate relationship!

have a good weekend. i will check in when i can.

mlhb

my friend christy is going for her aerobics certification today. i am so jealous! i wish i had the time that she does.

send good vibes her way today.... she is very nervous.

mlhb

Post deleted by mlhb

i'm glad you feel like you are on the road to "recovery" but why do you truly post so much about things that have happened or are happening with gekko and also in your life? is it because you know he's still a member here and he will most likely read it??

just a question

have a good sunday also!

alluring

i think it is more of me thinking out loud.
i have no idea whatsoever if he reads here. he has not posted in several several months and many months ago he told me he didn't come to this board anymore.

i deleted my ramblings from this morning since after re-reading that is what they seemed to be.

if he does read here, it does not bother me. i have nothing to hide and don't say anything here that at one time or another i have not said to him already. i honestly have no idea what he is doing, how he is, anything. in fact, i have not communicated with him in almost a month. he called last night but i chose not to take the call or listen to the voice mail. it is not that i don't care, it is just by my choice at this time. the very BRIEF one sentence conversation that my friend christy and i shared concerning him had more to do with how i am doing and what i am up to and not really him at all since she has not talked to him in a very long time either. i may have met her through him, but she and i have a lot in common and rarely discuss him at this time. we just bonded well and share a mutual respect and caring of each other.

anyway, enough on that. my son has a hockey game tonight about 2 hours away so we are getting ready to head out to that. my feet feel great after pedicures with my sis yesterday :-) we had fun. i am traveling a lot this coming week with work and have a lot of college work to get done and turned in.

that's that
later
mlhb

my son's team won last night! HURRAY!

many people are off today with the holiday.. i am working though. kids are with their dad tonight. i have lots of paperwork to do at work today and some college assignments to finish up. i have a history and math test to schedule and take here soon as well. i am switching online colleges as the one i am in did not take very many of the credits i have already taken. i am switching to an online suny college that will take ALL of my credits so far and will develop my bachelors degree around me and my experience. that will help me to get done much more quickly. i will admit it would be much easier to just go to college full time and not have to work. it is very hard doing both. but financially i cannot swing that.

happy monday everyone.

btw.. it is almost thanksgiving.. what is every one thankful for this year? i'll start...

i am thankful that god has taken such good care of me and my children. i am thankful for a great church family (even though with sports in full swing i have not gotten to see them in a while). i am thankful that i can turn EVERYTHING every day over to god and he will take care of it all. i am thankful for 2 wonderful children who have had to endure a lot these last few years. i am thankful for my job and the opportunity to be in college. i am thankful that i have been bettering myself more these last few years than i have my entire lifetime. i am thankful for lessons learned and the wisdom not to repeat over and over again the patterns of my past. i am thankful that i can rely on god and myself for my happiness and not on any one human. i am thankful for my family and their love and support. i am thankful for each new day and each new opportunity.

and you?

mlhb

I am thankful for many, many things.

Does your work help pay for your education? If so, that's a reason to keep working while going to school.