I promise I will try. I don't want to present myself as an unhappy complainer. That's not who I am. I get going, and can't stop sometimes. i know my life is what I make it. I understand that I can't rely on anyone else to make me happy. So, here's a big question which is the reason I logged on this weekend-- how did YOU get honesty and openness out of your husband? Was he always honest about his feelings toward you? How do you get to that point?? Like I said above, the truth hurts and I think I've avoided it in the past by letting my husband be afraid of me and avoid me. Sometimes it's easier to keep him at arm's length. He is so detached from me now, though that I have NO idea how to get him to open up...and keep my big mouth shut in the process...

Maybe someone can find my story for you...

My H has changed TOTALLY since he is no longer a WS..

When he was WAYWARD, he was NOTHING like he is TODAY...and I most definitely DID NOT TRUST HIM...

He won my trust and continues to evidence his adherence to complete openness and taking EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS against contact with the OW..this has taken YEARS...

That's why I have asked you if you are sure that he is no longer a WAYWARD...

SAHM it really didn't make me uncomfortable. I felt sorry that he was. I needed the answers. I needed to put the puzzle together. I also needed to know if there was something I had done/not done, I needed to make sense of it.

Are you so sure that when your WH gets squirmy that he's lying? Or is that what YOU think? Is it the real truth or what you perseive as the truth?

Would it help you at all to just have conversations? Not about A's or your R, just conversation. Start with the easier to accomplish work toward the goal of O&H. Work on trying to make him feel comfortable talking to you. And if you eventually get to the A, make sure YOU want the answers. Some people don't. Some do. Either is ok IMO. When you start conversations about A or your R, make them short, simple. Work towards more indepth intimate conversations.

How to keep your big mouth shut! I had to chuckle, same problem here. Listen to the advice you're getting. Work on YOU. Find out why you do what you do and how you react to different situations. Then when you are ready, take a deep breath, THINK of what's going to take place, and keep repeating in your mind, LISTEN TO HIM. JUST listen. Ask him if he has a few minutes to talk. Ignore the eyerolling, the geez here we go again look, ask your questions and listen. Let there be pauses in the conversation, don't try to fill in the gaps. Let him think and express, and LISTEN.

I'm not sure of anything. He never talks. His behavior has not changed at all since he was having an A, and I had no clue then either. I have no idea what to believe, and I'm tired of wondering.

I will try this, mvg.

I guess what my biggest fear is that I will find something out that will force me to act. I made it clear in the beginning that no matter what the situation between us, I would not tolerate any more lies. I would walk out the door if he lied again. So, if I catch him in another lie I will have to act on that.

And all the implications of that are very scarey. I don't want to leave my babies and work full time. My kids have been beside themselves this weekend with daddy away running in DC. The baby asks 300 times a day where's daddy? And my 4-year old has a whole wall of artwork done dedicated to daddy's return. She has composed several songs about how much she misses daddy. How could I take him away from them? This is why I'm so afraid of the truth at this point. If the kids were older, walking out wouldn't be so scarey. Right now it's terrifying.

But, not knowing, and wondering what he's up to all the time and WHY he never talks is killing me. The only answer I keep coming back to is detach. Detach until I'm ready to act if the truth and honesty turn out to be something I made a boundary in the beginning.

Sounds like you need a break. Take one. Stop focusing so much on the problems, enjoy the positives right now. Take a breather,step back, regroup, gain some inner strength.

I don't think I answered one of your ?'s above.Regarding O&H with WH. I "thought" we were the definition of O&H with trust abounding, however after EA I feel like I must be the most naive woman on the planet. That's a humilating feeling. It's so hurtful. BUT what I've learned I gave him trust, he didn't really ever earn. We got married young and did M sort by the seat of our pants. So we are now in the process of REALLY being O&H which WH isn't good at, but he's getting better s l o w l y and verification.

Take a break to clear your head. Your natural thinking process will return. (((peace)))

Yes, I definitely need a break from being angry all the time. H needs a break too. Just wish I could have some clarity or peace knowing that I could trust him now and that I know all his secrets...don't know if that will ever happen, but it would make it so much easier to move forward. OK-- I have to go plaster on a happy face and congratulate him on completing his marathon...wish me luck!

How'd the marathon go?

SAHM one thing I did when I just couldn't take it another moment...I convinced myself I was taking the day off...I WAS NOT going to think of any problems, I WAS going to enjoy the day, I was going to look for EVERYTHING that was positive, no matter how small. For that day I was searching for all silver threads in the cloud. And believe me, that was HARD, I'm very antalyical (sp) so to STOP my mind from wandering took alot of effort. I didn't ask any questions, I didn't allow my mind to go there. I kept very focused on finding any silver threads.

I also keep a notebook that lists my WH's good things. LOL that took a long time because at that point I didn't think he had ANY. However the list is almost a page long, not to shabby.

Take a day off. You can be angry another day. Today look for the silver threads. (((peace)))

The Marathon went well-- he finished in under 4 hours. The girls and I were able to track him on-line and watch him complete legs of the race. It was very exciting.
I take days off, too. I'm the type of person that has to keep my mind busy, otherwise it wanders and always comes to my marriage. Which is the only source of unrest in my life.
Today I work, so that always keeps me busy and occupied. It's days I'm home all day (or all weekend) that I really think too much. I get a lot of satisfaction from my job and always come home happy and confident. I felt horrible about leaving the kids to return part-time, but it really has kept me sane. And they need a sane mommy. I think we're all better off when mommy gets out of the house for a couple hours.

Yes getting out does help with the sanity issue.

Can you try to look for silver threads in your H & your M? If you have to 'look' it keeps your mind busy.

Oh another thing I started was journeling. I put down every thought I had. Good, bad, indifferent, mad, happy along with a long string of prayers. Maybe if your kept a notebook of your angry thoughts you might be able on a good day to look at them and find a solution. Just an idea.

HI mvg-- I did start a journal whenI had no where else to turn and my family was getting really burned out with my negativity. I filled that little book up and started another one. I haven't written in it lately, but should probably go back to it...hard to find time to myself some days.

As far as a silver lining, yes, there are many. He is a huge help to me, and the best father I could have asked for, for my kids. I've told him before, that if I had it to do all over again, I'd still have babies with him. (night reconsider marrying him, but would still have his babies! hee, hee) He's extremely good-looking...and believe it or not, I used to love it when women would be so impressed with him...now not so much. Anyway, I'm still attracted to him...so I'll work on these positives...

As far as a silver lining, yes, there are many. He is a huge help to me, and the best father I could have asked for, for my kids. I've told him before, that if I had it to do all over again, I'd still have babies with him. (night reconsider marrying him, but would still have his babies! hee, hee) He's extremely good-looking...and believe it or not, I used to love it when women would be so impressed with him...now not so much. Anyway, I'm still attracted to him...so I'll work on these positives...

I don't write as much in my journal/notebook now since I found MB forums. I was fanatical about writing I had so much pent up anger, confusion, the whole gamet of emotions. I felt my sisters were getting a little burned out too PLUS I want to recover my M and by talking with them in such detail wasn't good for their R with my WH.

Working on the positives helps. Looking for them takes your mind off your anger and makes you think more positive. However for ME I still am riding the rollercoaster. I had a freak out day yesterday, probably more anxiety than 'truth' and the folks here were WONDERFUL.

I understand about the attracteveness (sp) it's complimantary to you at first...then threatening.

You've said some very positive things about your H in regards to family. Try and find some positive things in regards to your H and YOU.

((keep up with the good work)))

It's funny you mention having a freak-out. I can't believe what a roller coaster of emotion I've become since this all happened. I used to be so controlled and focused. Now all it takes is him not telling me about a function at work and I LOSE it! I hate that he can still get to me like that.

Last night we had a really good night b/c I realized how much we need him and how much he does since he was gone over the weekend. We had a little celebration and made him feel special, and I kept my brain occupied with how much we need him and how much he loves the girls, and he had nothing but compliments and affection for me...and even some conversation. Like Billy Blanks tells me on my Tae Bo tapes "you've gotta give some to get some!!"

Unfortunately, sometimes it's just much easier to hate him. I don't have to try to re-program my brain. But it is really nice to bask in the good days....Hopefully we'll have more good days...

Glad you did have a good night!

Hopefully we'll have more good days...
I hope so too!