When he finds out and is FURIOUS, tell him you will do what it takes to save the marriage. Don't get into arguments.

The exposed WS usually says something like this is the last straw, I was going to work on the marriage, but now I'm filing for divorce, it was none of your business, you're crazy, how could you do this, you've done it now, we're just friends, how could you hurt the OP, and my personal favorite - I'll never trust you again. LOL.

So be prepared. You stay calm and let him know that you will continue doing what it takes to save the marriage.

I got some of that this morning, believer, after I tried to talk to him. I was real calm but then he started shouting at me and waving his arms around. I don't remember him ever shouting at me before in our marriage.

So now he says he can't trust me because I called the OWH after I said I wouldn't. He says he will talk to his brother and move in with him next month or at the end of December.

I am so low now. I told him I understand why he is hurting me and that I forgive him. I told him I know that he loves her and wants to be with her and that he has to make me as ugly as possible so it's easier for him to do so. Then he asks why I am shouting...and I don't think I was shouting, I may have raised my voice a bit; so I said, "well, you shouted at me, why don't we just talk instead? It doesn't have to be ugly between us."

So now what? I go ahead and expose to his boss & OWH today? Should I wait another day? What do I do? I can't call anyone right now until I calm down. And until I stop crying.

Someone out there please help......

Hi Charlotte22,

Believer was right on the money that your H would be furious... I think she even said that he will probably say that "He can't trust you..."

Your WH is following the script exactly, so my advice would be to continue with what Believer has already told you.

I don't have any personal experience with exposing, so I will defer to those that have lived through it...

I just wanted to let you know that I'd read your post and let you know that you WILL make it through this period... hang in there!!!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Thanks RIF.

I'm sure he'll be even more furious if & when he calls his brother to ask about moving in with him & his brother tells him that I called.

I'm a little calmer now. H acting the way he did this mornig helps me to accept what I have to do even though it hurts so very much.

He asked me a question...I don't remember the question but my answer was, "because I still love you and I want us to work it out." He didn't have a response to my statement.

C.

Hey Charlotte - You're getting great advice... it's pretty amazing how much most WS stick to the script. Believer called it exactly so even though it's hard, and it doesn't "feel" right, follow the advice you're getting here...

I sure wish that I'd had MB when I found out about Mrs. RIF's first A...

I'm glad that you're calmer now... just relax because you have a pretty good idea what your WH will do next (he will follow the WS script!)...

I'm sure that Believer and some of the others will be around shortly... and they'll have some more advice for you.

Semper Fi,

RIF

YES, you go ahead and expose to work and OWH TODAY!

Call the OWH. The fact that you're upset will show him that you are dead serious about this.

Send a letter to his work...fax it so it will get there today, and send the original by snail-mail, certified, with return receipt.

Thanks again, RIF!

I am trying my very best to follow the plan and keep my heart from ruling my head and controlling my tongue to make it say things it shouldn't like LB's.

I'm trying to think about the best time to call his boss today, as well as OWH. I know OWH keeps late nights often so I don't want to catch him asleep or just awakened when I call.

I'm going to do my best to keep my head when he comes home because I'm sure he'll be superbly po'ed, maybe even more than this morning. Or maybe he'll be so po'ed that he won't even come home. I'm doing my best to psych myself up for this...it's like being in a nightmare and you can't wake up.

Take care, RIF & have a great day,

C.

You really need to stop worrying yourself over his reaction.

You already KNOW he's going to be angry. But c'mon Chalotte, who is really entitled to anger here? Its not the cheating husband.

He's simply trying to manipulate you with his anger. He thinks he can stop you from embarrassing him by getting mad.
He has had all the power to prevent this -- by NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR!! He chose this path. Don't prevent him from experiencing the consequences!

You are overanalyzing all of this. Don't worry about "best" times to call -- JUST DO IT.

Take back your power!

Charlotte, thinking of you. Courage.

Thanks, Bellevue.

And Lexxxy, you are right. I am overanalyzing. I'm bad about that and worse since this thing started.

He always tries to throw things back at me to make me feel bad. Most especially when I was in a depression and I wasn't around sometimes when he was home or if I was home I was sleeping a lot. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder and I was not really doing that great. After they got my medicine regulated I was back to my normal self. But during that time, yes, I was absent even when I was home. At the time he was very loving and understanding about it. Of course now it makes me the bad one (NOT!) I told him I take responsibility for that and I apologized but I could hardly help it since my condition dictated my life at that time.

Your WH is a typical bully that is using his anger and your conflict avoidance to try and control you. Just stick to the plan. You know what he is going to do and say and you know why, so you can't let it get to you. The angrier he gets, the more damage you are doing to his affair. My WW was so mad when I exposed to her work she started calling up divorce attorney's immediately (it was all a show to try and hurt me). Well, I stuck to my guns and was moving forward with cutting her off and kicking her out of the house, and then it was her crying, asking me not to D her, and agreeing to NC (which she broke, but my actions took back control from her). Once your WH finds out that yelling and screaming at you no longer affects you, then he will stop doing it.

Thank you, jmcw95. It helps to hear the experiences of others (or I guess I should say read about them)-I'm hoping we can reach the point of recovery and I know that it will be very, very hard to go through the angry words and hurled accusations but I'm trying to be strong.

I just tried to call OWH but he didn't answer their phone. So I'm going to try every 15 mins. and hope that he answers and that he will talk to me or at the very least, listen to what I have to say.

What about your husband's work? Did you call them yet?

no, BA1 not yet. I'm going to try OWH again now...

If OWH won't answer the phone should I go ahead and send him an email?

Thanks.

H's boss is GFTD because of Dr. appts. & what-not. Should I leave a msg. in his VM to call me or should I just wait & call him in the am? That's when he's supposed to return.

Thanks!!

why aren't you following the recommendation of sending a letter? Fax it, then send certified -- directly to HR.

Hi Lexxxy,

I am sending a letter. I'm working on it right now.

Charlotte

I used the basic template from the link provided and just changed a few things. Please let me know if this is sufficient. I've called OWH 4x already & he won't answer his phone. Maybe he's busy or maybe he knows it's me. I used *67 but I'm sure he's figured it out by now.

Thanks, you guys!

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

My H and OW are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Mr. Smith and Ms. Doe are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Excellent letter.
Send it.

Keep trying OWH. Consider driving to his house.