hi believer,

She's bi-polar but never sought any help for this and so isn't on meds to this day. After he left the kids took the brunt of her rages. He tried to help with CPS but they told him they couldn't do anything about it. And that was even with a teacher for corroboration (sp?)

C.

And he never cheated on her? And they were divorced before you met him?

No and yes. They'd been divorced for about 5 years before we got together.

I'm hopeful about your situation. I know you are miserable now. But hang in there. You still need to expose, and in the meantime do an excellent Plan A. That would include having a warm and welcoming home, looking good, being cheerful, and calm.

He is probably getting warmth, validation and admiration from the OW (the b*tch, too bad she can't do that for her sick husband), so that is what you will need to double up on. Also look at anything he complained about BEFORE the affair, and start working on changing it.

Hi believer,

Thank you. I have been working on our home to make it a more relaxing and welcome place & I've been doing a lot of cooking & baking, two things I really enjoy that I'd gotten out of the habit of doing when I was going through my depression. I've been working on anything he complained about before, too. Of course he throws it up in my face if I try to talk to him about OW. I've been doing all of that for at least 5 or 6 months...hoping...as I'm sure many others do...that the affair would end on its own. So I've been doing the "carrot" really well. And it wasn't all for him, either. It was to make me feel better and work on things I could control since obviously I can't control this situation. I don't want to control HIM, just want the cheating to stop. Like everyone else here and elsewhere.

Thank you for having such hope for me. I talked to my sister today and she even felt that there was hope for us. I hope both of you are correct but the light at the end of the tunnel is very dim. I've been trying to stay positive and focus on the main goal but today was not so great. I guess exposure day will be even worse. I don't know how I'm going to hold it together if he walks out. I know this is a good possibility since he'll be superbly pissed.

C.

Don't worry about it. They all get superbly pissed. You just let them know that you will do what it takes to save the marriage.

Good that you are doing a great Plan A. That is essential in case you need to go to Plan B. So try to keep it up for another month or so. And don't forget the exposure.

I'm going to bed, so I'll see you tomorrow. Hang in there, and keep being strong. The odds are in your favor that he will come back to the marriage.

I WOULD let him know that it is hurtful to you when he chats with the OW from your home. Don't argue though.

Thanks again, believer.

I'll keep it up...I just hope that he'll be here and not take off after the exposure tsunami but I know there are no guarantees.

Thank you so much for your support. It makes me all teary-eyed. I think I'm outta tears for today...probably not, though, since tears come from the endless well of pain.

Take care,

C.

Charlotte,

You are doing an awesome job.

My only advice is that you not mention ow. If you must say something, just say that it really hurts you when WS talks to ow at your home, ask that he do it elsewhere, and say it calmly, without emotion. If WS reacts, do not respond.

As for exposure, just CALMLY state that you are trying to save your marriage, and enlisting help for it.

Remember, step back and think of what is healthiest for you, marriage, etc, BEFORE you respond to anything your WS says.

God Bless and you are the best. Prayers out for you Charlotte. Keep focused, do what these wonderful people tell you, and leave the rest up to God. You can't change your WS, you can only change yourself, and how you deal with this.

You are getting awesome help, believer and MelodyLane being two of the best here!

Bless you,

Love in Christ,
Miss M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Charlotte, if you decide to stop enabling his affair and take some action here, give me a shout out and I will help you. But I won't help you contribute to your own demise. I won't come here and give you atta-girls for enabling your husbands affair. You want to save your marriage, you will have to do some work. And I don't mean sitting around crying.

Remember, courage is a DECISION, not a magic feeling that lands on some and not on others. We ALL have the ability to make a DECISION. I will be here when you are ready to do some real work.

Thank you Miss M and Melody.

Exposure will commence tomorrow. If he leaves to go see AP today, then today I will be calling OWH again. And this time I will tell all. If he still wants to live with the way things are...well, that's his business. I'm not living in limbo any longer. I know everything seems so hopeless. I'm trying to stay positive & hope for the best. I know he's going to be pissed and I can't help that...I'll just try to make like a duck so anything he says slides off my back.

If he leaves after exposure do I need to change the locks?

M.

Charlotte, in addition to calling the OWH, I would suggest following your H and confronting the affairees together. Ideally, the OWH could come with you.

Char,

If you change the locks, you basically are telling him he is not wanted in your home.

Is that what you want?

Or do you want to save your marriage?

Be sure that you expose because you want to save the marriage, not because you are angry. There is a difference.


Exposure is to stop the affair.
You expose because affairs thrive in secrecy.
You expose to ask other people to support you.
You expose to ask other people to put pressure on your WH to stop his behavior.

You don't expose because you think it is a weapon of anger. That will backfire.

Keep your message clear about exposure:

"I love you. Our marriage needs support. Your affair needs to stop, and I need the support of our family and friends to help us recover this marriage. You need to stop seeing the OW. The only way that can happen is if your affair is exposed to everyone who can help support our MARRIAGE. We need the love and support of people who support marriage, and the only way I can see to do that is to ask for help. I asked. We need help. Our marriage is in trouble, and we need help to save it. Who better to support us than our friends and family - people who love us?"

Keep it clear, Char. You don't expose for revenge. You expose for support, and because affairs don't do well in the light of day. Because the consequences are there. Because the judgement of others is there. And because the fantasy is NOT THERE.

And no, don't change the locks.

Thank you, schoolbus.

I'm not exposing for revenge but to let the light shine underneath the dark, dank rock where dangerous things grow. I was just unsure about that part and I don't want to screw things up. I don't care about the possessions, those can always be replaced, except for photos, etc. Thank you also for the script...there are a couple of others who contributed a script, too and every little bit will help. I'm good with words but when doing something like this I have a hard time thinking about the right words to say even though I know what they are supposed to be.

And Melody-I'll try to get OWH to do that but I don't know if he'll go for it. I'm sure he's been told all kinds of bs about me. Especially after the 1st time I called him. See, H tells AP things about me or us and she turns right around and tells her H everything. You'd think that H would wonder about that...but nope...fog's too thick. I'll do the best I can with OWH-I KNOW he KNOWS but like I said before, I think he's in the place I was just praying & hoping for it to end. I think, and this is only my opinion; that he is internalizing just like I was. I only hope that if that's the case that he doesn't decide to use those weapons that he & his wife covet.

Thanks again-keep it coming!!

I finally broke down & told my mom what was going on about an hour or so ago. I think she probably had an idea about it anyway, though.

C.

I told my mom this morning and she did already have some idea about what was up. She even knew who the AP is and offered some info I hadn't even thought about. She's been really supportive and today when she saw my H she was good as gold. I was ashamed to tell her and I told her so. I also told her how it is sometimes when the M works out and some family members treat the WS very badly. My sis told me that she wouldn't be that way after things work out between me & H (staying positive here)...I should have known but when you're in that state of mind you overlook a lot of stuff. My mom is very philosophical & smart as a whip. I probably should have told her right away but...well, you know how it is...the feelings of shame and failure, etc.

I also called my BIL after I walked out of a store and got into the car. It's like my subconscious was telling me to...it didn't take any effort at all to dial his number. I didn't know what to expect. He was so sweet and supportive that I could cry right now thinking about it. I told him I still love H and want to try and save our marriage. I also told him that I wasn't sure about telling their father and he offered to do so. He wanted to do it if it would help me and he said so. I waffled at first and then I told him to go ahead.

I feel like a lot of weight has been taken off of my shoulders and this has given me more confidence which I will need for tomorrow's revelations to OWH & to H's boss.

BTW-I warned my BIL that H might show up on his doorstep in the next couple of days but after I explained why, he said he didn't think that would happen. I'd love to believe that but there are no guarantees. If he does leave I'll just have to deal with it. Now my support group is getting a little bigger and there's also everyone here who've been so fantastic with advice.

I do have a question I'm not sure about. If he says he's going to leave and go to his brother's home, what should my response be? AMF? (kidding) I understand that you're upset but I'm fighting for our marriage?

Any advice would be most welcome.

Thanks to all & I eagerly await your advice.

C.

Charlotte, be sure and send a LETTER to Human Resources like Brits Brat told you to do and cc several key managers. Just calling his boss is not sufficient becuase his boss probably already knows and doesn't care. If any action is going to take place, it will happen as a result of notifying - officially - the RIGHT PEOPLE. And ccing several so that no one can give into the temptation to deep six your information, which often happens. Here is a link of a good letter that you could send. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=2

Secondly, your mother should tell him she knows and tell him how disgusted she is. Your family has every right to be disgusted with him and should tell him. It will be up to him to make amends with them. They should not all play nice in order to protect him from the consequences of his affair.

My mother and sister were FURIOUS at my H when they found out. My sister said "I HATE THAT ******" and refused to allow him in her home. That was all a consequence of my H's affair that *HE* had to repair. So, don't try and protect him from the consequences of his affair, THAT IS NOT IN HIS BEST INTEREST.


He needs to get a personal phone call from you to a) ensure he gets the truth, and b) so you can ask him for his advice and support.

Unfortunately, your BIL has probably already called your H and forewarned him.

I'm glad your BIL is supportive. But don't be surprised if he sides with your husband later on. That is what usually happens. Hubby will defend his sleazy affair by telling his family awful things about the marriage. Sometimes even the staunchest allies retreat from their support.

But stick to the MB plan whatever happens, letting folks know that you love your husband and your desire is to save your marriage.

I am not sure if it's a good idea to tell so many people so soon, because your husband might find out and prevent you from disclosing it to his job, OWH, etc. You need to disclose it early and quick to the rest of the people early tomorrow morning.

Thanks for the advice.

My BIL didn't call H as of yet...I don't think he will but of course I can't be 100% that he won't call him tomorrow. I think the fact that I called him out of the blue when I have rarely ever called, (maybe once or twice IF that and that would have been when H got his DWI shortly after getting involved with the AP), is something that will stick with my BIL. If he calls him tomorrow, well, so be it. As far as my mom goes...I was thinking more about the future when some family members still treat the infidels badly even after W & H have reconciled. I know there are no guarantees that this will happen for us but I'm staying positive. Besides, I needed H's help with one of the horses and I didn't want him to run off if she said anything to him!

As far as the letter goes...I can mail a letter but I still want to call his direct supervisor tomorrow. I hope this will be okay...it will have to be okay.

I am wondering what to say if I get an onslaught of profanity from H and he says he's going to go to his bro's. What would be the correct response?

Thanks again!

C.

Believer asked Charlotte:

And Charlotte responded:

Charlotte,

Regarding the “No” in your answer above. Did he cheat on his ex-wife?

Jo

Hi Resilient,

My other post was lost somewhere so here I go again:

No. He did not cheat on his first wife.

I have yet another question: What happens if H loses his job due to the exposure? Not that I'd mind, I wish he WOULD quit and he has been making noises again about how unhappy he is there and asking about some of our family members' & friends' salaries that work in a certain company.

His immediate boss was already informed that there was something going on due to a coworker calling the HR department a few months ago. So I don't know for sure if he'd lose his job but there's always that possibility.

Any advice for this dilemma? I have to expose tomorrow, I am not waiting any longer.

Thanks in advance,

C.