You're right Melody Lane...I don't feel scared. So that IS it then. I wish I'd have had the courage to do this long ago. I didn't know about MB when I found the first confirmation of the A, though.

I am just a bit worried about OWH...when he gets done with all of the material (if he hasn't already but I'm sure he has) he's going to realize that he's lost his SO...she is lost in the fog with my H. I just hope there is no violence and no one gets hurt. My mom is REALLY worried about this...she lost her older brother this way. His best friend murdered him because they were both in love with the same woman. I was probably 5-years-old when this happened.

Thank you, believer and thank you, Melody (I neglected to thank you in the last post, sorry!) I am a bit worried about how I feel in the morning but I'll come here and hang around. Then maybe it won't be so bad. I'm sure I'll drive by our house from time to time to see if H is here.

you are not home??

I'm home now. I won't be tomorrow.

Charlotte, make a DECISION now about how you will react so that you don't react emotionally. DECIDE to be calm and firm in your stance with no apologies and no explanations. If he acts hysterically, which they often do, simply tell you are sure sorry he in this state and leave the room and shut the door. You don't have to tolerate his abuse. If he doesn't stop, then call the police.

The OWH has a right to know about the affair and you need no justification.

But the important thing is for you to put your FEELINGS ASIDE, because they will mislead you. Rather, make RATIONAL DECISIONS not based on feelings.

also, if you need to talk to someone tomorrow, you can call me. Just email me and I will give you my # if you feel like talking.

gotcha!

Thank you, Melody. I will NOT let him get to me. I have decided. I am going to keep to the plan. NO LB's!! But I will protect myself if need be.

WHAT? Stalking Mel? Well that's one crazy creature. What a foolish thing t/d. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dumb Bunny!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Charl,
Sorry for the slight threadjack.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Mel looks like she hasn't skipped a beat on her support with you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That's why we all love her so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

That's okay, Orchid. No biggie.

I was thinking about H again...geez when will he stay out of my head for 5 minutes? Actually I have been able to put him out of my head from time to time.

Anyway, he could be doing a number of things but I think he probably got really stressed out and took too many Soma and he's probably asleep somewhere. They might have gotten a room somewhere or he might be at work asleep.

When this thing first started he was taking too many pills and drinking scotch...he'd go through a giant bottle nearly every week. Then he finally quit after I came home one day and found him passed out on the floor wrapped in a chair that had fallen on him. I couldn't get him up and tried and tried and finally called 911. I didn't want him to choke on vomit and die even though he was cheating. He was talking to his AP when this happened and at that time it was still mostly an EA.

The screen was left up so I closed it after reading it but did not log out of IM. So after he got back on with her the next day he was asking if she received any messages from me, anything mean or something like that was what he said. She said no why would I? And I was like, yeah, why would you? I only emailed her ONE time and she didn't have the balls to write me back.

She talked plenty of trash about me, though, and still does.
How said that H wouldn't defend his own wife from that harridan.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[[Orchid}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

For a long time, after the initial anger had worn off, I forced myself NOT to think unkind thoughts about H's AP. If I did I would apologize and take it back.

I wanted to forgive H and her so I wouldn't harbor any ill feelings. I never told H about this.

Well, I guess I'm going to go to sleep now. Thanks again for all of the love and support.

So, should I leave a note on the door for him when I leave? Nah, I guess that's not a good idea.

Goodnight, All!!

Do you see how this approach has enabled evil, Charlotte? First off, you are SUPPOSED to think unkind things about evil people. You are SUPPOSED to have ill feelings about EVIL. Decent people are SUPPOSED to be outraged about evil. Jesus Christ is OUTRAGED by evil. If you are not outraged by evil, then you are either a) on heavy doses of narcotics, b) have no conscience or c) are morally dead. None of which are GOOD. Not having ill feelings about evil is not a sign of mental health but a sign of serious dysfunction.

I would like to show you something that Dr. Harley wrote about forgiveness, Charlotte, that makes great sense. He explains how handing out forgivness without repentence is not in your H's best interest. This practice has only harmed him and enabled him to continue to destroy you, himself and his marriage.

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
by Dr. Willard Harley

excerpt:
entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Charlotte! I am sooo proud of you. You HAVE taken back the power. You done good girl. I'm so grateful that Melody and the others jumped in after I had to leave work. I was worried that no one would be around to help you out after you came home. I shoulda known better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You've got some of the best MBers helping you now (except for the drivebys, lol). You'll be fine.

Charlotte,

E-mail me (legalbeagle86@hotmail.com) and I will give you the name of the two divorce attorneys that I think are really good. They each have their own styles. Also, let me know after you have my e-mail address so I can remove it from this post.

Regards,

Brit's Brat

Thank you for that information, Melody. I understand. I will read this again later in the a.m. And thank you, princess meggy and to all of the other fantastic people here who have been so kind to help a stranger in need. I had forgotten there were such great people in this world because I was so stuck in this situation.

I am up now...I went to bed shortly after my last post and finally fell asleep after 3 hours or more. I woke up to the sound of my cell phone which I had taken to bed with me in the event I needed to use it to call 911.

Well, instead of needing to use it because someone broke in or my H showed up and was really mad and I had to call 911...OWH called me! I was more than shocked. I thought H and his AP were together somewhere bent on their "honeymoon vacation" or whatever the plans were. Nope. Instead, the AP went home and OWH had it out with her. She finally admitted to the A and was sad and remorseful because of the people she hurt. We talked at length and compared notes. I asked him to keep me updated if he could. He said he didn't know if he would do that but there was a possibility. I told him about everything I have learned and about the addiction they have to each other and the statistics on adulterous relationships.

He doesn't know what he's going to do yet...he's still absorbing this. I told him I was glad that he was handling it so well, I did very badly when I first found confirmation. I told him my intention was to try and save our marriage because I still love H...but there were no guarantees and H might end up killing any love I have left for him, or he might be so mad at me now that he goes straight to Plan D without looking back. I know he'll be super p.o.'ed at me if his wonderful toy dumps him.

I am trying to hang on and hoping for the best. H still hasn't called. At first I thought he was calling but I saw OWH's number and at first it didn't register that it was OWH but I knew it was important so by the time I flipped open the phone my mind realized who was calling.

I thanked him more than once for calling. He also said that he hoped maybe my H would go ahead and admit everything to me since his AP admitted everything to OWH. I told him I hope that happens but there are no guarantees and I haven't heard from H yet. I told him I guess H was afraid to face me. I also told him about trying not to harbor bad thoughts against his wife or H for engaging in this A. This may change for me now since Melody Lane gave me this information. I am still feeling A-OK and didn't cry too much when I had to go to bed by myself without my H with me, even though he was doing that thing where he's 80 miles away on the other side of the bed almost clinging to the side.

I was sad when he started to do this because I knew why. His skin even seemed to repel my touch when I touched him. Gradually he started coming back to my side a little bit and he would hold me from time to time or let me hold him. But he still did the 80 mile thing. I told him the other night that maybe he was doing this subconsciously because he was involved with his AP. I don't remember what he said to that...he may not have replied because it made him think or because he just didn't want to reply. But his skin gradually accepted me again and that had given me hope.

He started paying attention to me again and this gave me hope, although he wasn't as demonstrative as before and neither was I for different reasons...I didn't want to be rejected. But I did touch him from time to time, I tried every day to get a little closer to him.

I told OWH about this...that we used to be so demonstrative with our love for each other until H and his AP started the A. OWH said it was kinda like that for him but not a whole lot. She had him pretty snowed about the whole thing. She always managed to do a pretty good save with him and keep him in the dark. He did feel something wrong, though.

I told him that both of us would come out of this stronger whether our spouses were with us or not but I was hoping that my H would be with me at the end of this. OWH stated again that he wasn't sure what he was going to do so it might be over between them. Or maybe not. I hope they work it out and I told him so. I also said I hope it works out the way you end up wanting it to, with her or not. He said the same thing to me. Actually, I think he might have said it first.

So I guess we'll see what happens next. I'm a little scared to see H now. But I will be strong when I do see him. If he has the courage to go ahead and face me.

Well, I guess I'll go try to get some rest now...OWH told me he hopes I get some rest and I told him the same. I told him that we weren't living the lie anymore so that was a good thing. Of course on his end it's a little better since he was actually able to break through the fog of his wife, even though it may be temporary. I guess we'll see. He has a good support system but hasn't told his mom yet, he said he just didn't feel like talking to her about it yet but he will end up telling her.

Damn, he's brave! I wished I had been able to be as brave and I told him so but I was just so floored by the whole deal that I couldn't handle it for such a long time. Only after I had armed myself with knowlege was I finally able to break out of my OWN fog and do the right thing. And that was thanks to everyone here cheering me on and my family also.

Okay, I said I was going to try and get some rest so I'll go back to bed now. I'm feeling pretty good...I got the power back for myself AND OWH. I just hope H talks to me at some point. Maybe he'll stay away for a few days and then talk to me. Maybe he'll come get some stuff and leave to stay with his brother or he will get stuff and go on the trip with his AP. If he does I guess I'll just have to accept that. No choice, really. OWH said he won't accept any such thing, though. Good for him. Maybe I'll be even stronger because he is being so brave and strong. I hope he keeps in touch.

I told him it was too bad we couldn't have all been friends because I bet we would have had a good time together, the four of us. He agreed and said, "Yeah, but instead the two of them did what they did and started up with the A." I agreed.

Okay, I'm really outta here this time, I swear!

Thanks again to all the great folks here. I have a bag of metal cans in front of one of the doors and a couple of H's antennas leaning up against the doorjamb so if he tries to sneak in I'll hear him and if anyone else tries to sneak in I will hear them.

TTFN, everybody!!

Oh, Hi, Brit's Brat! I'll get your email and I need to go get Melody's as well.

If you are still around I'll stick around for a few minutes.

Okay, got it, BB.

Got Melody's too if you want to remove it, Melody.

Especially if that person who showed up earlier shows up again...don't want them to get it!

Okay, this time I'm REALLY going back to bed!!

G'night again, All!

Charlotte,

Good for you on helping OW's H. Exposure is deadly to the A. :gin:

Get some rest and let us know how you are doing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Hi Charlotte !

Attagirl !

I learned that the cr[i][/i]ap of infidelity is only deep enough to drown a BS if they cringe down in it. Stand up and be dignified and it can't drown you.

Exposing was brave, and will cause a mess o' spite in your WS and OP but weather the storm with loving detachment. Its the writhings and thrashings of a cut snake, no more.

This stranger is proud of ya girl !