Way to go Charlotte!

Don't apologize...loving detachment....protect yourself if need be.

I'll try to check back in later to see how you are doing. Remember you are strong.

I've been reading your thread Charlotte, although I haven't posted.

You are very brave, much more than you are willing to admit. I think you have done a fantastic job under the pressure of all this. Just know that there are a lot of people here rooting for you, cheering you on.

I'd rather let the experts here give you some advice, but just wanted to pop in and tell you what I just did.

I hope you're sleeping right now. That's excellent news about OWH. You did exactly what MB prescribes... you shined light into the darkness and secrecy of their affair. Are you going to continue exposing to others? I've heard it's best if you do it all at once for more impact. Rock the affair world in other words.

Exactly what I lived. "A coward dies a thousand deaths; the brave man dies but one." I was a coward. Shriveled up.

Charlotte, wow, you did wonderful. I admire you greatly.

Thank you, Everybody, for all of your kind words of support and advice. (crying a little here now but not the sad kind.)

Still nothing from my H.

I wanted to check in real quick...I have to leave soon. I'll be back soon, though for a lengthier post.

Thanks again!

Charlotte,

Add me to the cheering squad. I remember being where you are and you are showing so much courage! After I confronted my OWH's, I didn't hear from my WH for four days. My mind was going crazy. Stay strong and keep breathing.

Did OWH say what OW's plan is?

Hi Jean36,

Thank you! OWH said she broke down and was very remorseful and regretful about the whole thing. He didn't say what she might be planning. I told him that they might go on their trip anyway, just to hang on to the fantasy a little longer. I said to him if that happens I guess we have to accept it. He said, "I don't have to accept any such thing!" I told him he was right, he didn't. But as for me, if they do go I don't see what we can really do about it.

She may have been out of the fog last night but who knows about this a.m.? As for H, I'm sure he's good and mad at me. I'd rather not see him until he cools off. There's a chance he just won't see me at all and go to Plan D. I don't know what I'll feel about that. But I am still feeling relieved that I'm not carrying the ugly secret of their adultery inside of me any longer.

And after I talked to OWH and posted here last night I started thinking about how different I felt, not just the relief. I deserve more than this, do I really want to try and work it out? For now, I am still going to try and do that, sticking to Plan A unless I'm advised to go to Plan B. I'm going to stick to our vows even though he didn't. I don't want to have any regrets about this so I am going to push forward and attempt to salvage our marriage no matter what he decides to do right now.

But he'll have to work pretty hard to prove to me he is worthy of me again. I'm not a bad person or crazy like he and his AP liked to make me out to be to justify their A.

I told OWH he had things a little bit better than me. He still retained his name in their correspondence...I was reduced to my first initial so I was basically turned into an object for them to use and abuse at will, no matter if I was "behaving" or if I was making noise about the A or the R of H and I. OWH was used and abused because she was so proud of the way she was able to fool him so I guess that's really faring no better than I did. So I take that back.

H would even make stuff up about me when I wasn't doing a thing so he could gain sympathy from her. So he was lying to her, too. If he "loves" her so much, why did he need to do that? If their "love" is so special and there's no other like it in the world then why did he have to lie to her too?

I guess in a way I understand why he was doing that and I'm sure if they are in contact he still will.

Do I need to go to Plan B if I don't hear from H or should I stick to Plan A still? I know there was some advice about that yesterday and I thought I could still do it but I'm unsure about this now. Anybody have any great advice? I'll probably be around here for most of the day.

I don't even want to drive by our house to see if H is there getting some stuff. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Ah Charlotte, you have discovered the great deception of the affair relationship...See the affair isn't about how your husband feels about the OW at all, instead it's about how she makes him feel about himself...And he manipulates her to get that feeling...HE LIES TO GET HIS FIX...Affairs are all about ego stroking...He's a broken man that feels terrible about himself-he needs to hear how wonderful he is though-that's the drug-that's the rush...all lies built on lies which leads to what else? but more LIES...Believe it or not, should you enter recovery with your husband your getting to read all of those lies will help you-You've seen first hand how false the whole thing is...You KNOW that that isn't love...He strokes her ego-she strokes his...that's all it is...

Charlotte, you are ROCKIN' this whole thing...I am SO proud of you! Great going!

Mrs. W

Thanks for this in a nutshell, Mrs. W. I wish I knew this perspective years ago.....but at least I can start understanding it from now on.

Charlotte, good for you. Y'know, at times I wish I had gotten at least a 'thanks for the info' from OWH when I exposed. When I called (across the country EA) to tell him about his wife's affair with WH (which she had falsely claimed she had already confessed to him), he only said "thanks" to my confirming that HE and not an asst. would open a package (with incriminating evidence) marked PERSONAL.

He or his assistant may have chucked the entire package in the round file for all I know.

Keep posting and reading, Charlotte. You're doing great.

Ace

Charlotte -

What is your living situation? I forget, does he own the home you are living in? Have you left? Are you working outside of the home?

Thanks Mrs. W and Ace!

That was a great explanation...I totally get it. I knew the ego stroking bit but the lying to her had me confused. I see now, thank you.

I talked to my IC for nearly an hour and he is proud of me, too, the way I handled things with OWH to make sure he'd be safe and all if he was totally devastated. I just thought it was the right thing to do because I remembered how I was when I found out. I can't really take credit for being a hero in that regard, I just didn't want him to end up physically hurt while emotionally devastated. I was worried about him because of his MS, too.

That's something that's bothered me this whole time...that my H could do what he did, knowing that OWH has this disorder. I even asked him at the very beginning. He just didn't seem to care. Neither did she. I was still monitoring them at that time, that was before I stopped and H just told her I asked, "What about OWH? How can you two do this to him?" And me, for that matter.

I hope he's doing okay and that he might call me again sometime. I was very grateful that he was able to do that this a.m. I didn't mind him waking me up at all and I was glad it wasn't H calling. I thanked OWH a lot during this call.

As far as H goes, I did go through some guilt about sending the letter to HR and his boss. I don't know if anything is being investigated, they certainly haven't called me yet. I'm trying not to feel guilty about this because they are the ones who were in the wrong, not me.

I really hope H breaks out of the fog at least a little bit so he can understand the devastation he has caused. I don't know if he can face it or not. I'm trying hard not to concern myself with what he is doing right now. I am worried about him, though. I don't want him to get depressed to the point where he hurts himself. I don't THINK he would do that, but I guess anything is possible.

He is the one that got himself in trouble with the law in July due to his action with his AP. He was with her before he left work that night. I know this because I called another coworker to ask when they had seen him last. He had called me to tell me he was on the way home and after he was a little over an hour late I didn't worry too much. But after 2 hours I just KNEW something had happened to him. I called Texas DPS to ask if there had been any accidents involving our car or my husband. I called family members, I called his coworker and I also called OWH so he could ask his wife if she'd seen him. OWH asked me why would his wife have seen him? She was asleep on the couch. I told him, "Well, because the do work at the same place and are friends..." so he asked and she lied, of course. I already knew then that they had been together because of the other coworker I called but I don't think I mentioned that part to OWH. I can't remember...I was too intent on finding H.

So I got ready to go out and look for him, called my FIL back so he and my BIL and my mom and other family members could call hospitals to see if he'd been admitted. I was going to drive his route to see if I could find the car or him, anywhere. That's when I got a call from the officer who picked him up. I think he knew that I had called because they put out an alert to the people on duty. He told me he had H and where he was taking him.

So I called everybody back and called a bailbondswoman to see what needed to be done. Sometimes I wish I had let him stew in jail a while but I couldn't do that to him so I managed to get him out.

So he gets a DWI and we borrowed money from BIL for a lawyer and so far the case has been postponed each time we go to court because the blood test results are not back yet.

This occurred because he was doing something he should NOT have been doing with his AP...at that point I think it was still an EA with maybe a little PA thrown in. I thought maybe this would snap him out of his stupor, but no.

We finally got a CD copy of the arrest 2 or 3 weeks ago. The lawyer said it looked really bad and there were parts where I agreed with him on that because H looks stoned out of his gourd and eyes at 1/2 mast like Chong in Cheech & Chong. The lawyer might see other things my eyes aren't trained to see, though and I told H this. He thinks it's not that bad, etc. But he didn't take it to work with him to share with his AP.

So while this A is going on we are having to deal with this. I was dealing with it more than him, though, handling the paperwork that we were sent, etc. If left up to H, his license would be revoked right now. I almost didn't take care of this, it was his mistake, but I figured if I didn't I would be blamed so I took care of it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't but then I would have been guilty of knowingly sabotaging him and I couldn't do that even though he was deep in the fog of the A at the time and treating me like crap. A couple of weeks later was when I talked to my PI friend an he advised that I stop monitoring because it hurt, don't put myself through it. My PI friend went through this with his wife, but she was a serial cheater.

So I stopped and I told H I was not going to interfere or go into HIS room or ask him questions from the doorway because they always talked crap about me when I needed to ask him something. I tried to remove myself from being a target. And waited and prayed and hoped that they would tire of each other soon. I stopped talking to him much at all and then he started paying a little attention to me again. It gave me hope. I tried to hang on. I was wrong. I am so glad that I found MB and everyone here. I don't know if I was directed by a higher power or if it was just chance but I am so grateful that it happened.

I feel free. I hope I can keep this feeling for a little longer...the relief, the weight gone from my shoulders, not keeping their ugly secret inside of me so I was totally stressed out day after day after day.

I'm a little afraid of the future but at least it will not be based on lies any more. I'm not going to do that. Ever again. I still hope H and I will be able to get through this and save our M, but if not, I'll be stronger and I'll have a better relationship with everybody in my family. My sister and I have gotten closer because of this and I am really glad. We were a bit estranged. Yesterday on the way to meet OWH I told her I loved her, I don't remember the last time I told her that. She loved me back. This is some of the good coming out of bad. That's a good thing.

Still hoping here...sorry this was so long, I tend to ramble sometimes!

You are a free woman. Not cobbling together a shield to cover shame that your H cheated. Not hiding anymore, for shame of your H's affair. You have your dignity and self-respect. And, if things go they way they often do on here, you will also have your marriage back, and a chance tomake it better than ever.

Hi believer. We are still paying the mortgage. There's not much left to pay on it. Maybe 5 years. It is in my name but it is ours. The land is in both of our names.

I was working eBay until my former SIL landed in town & I had to protect my nieces from her because she is a sociopath. It's kind of a long story so I won't get into it now. The other day H was blaming former SIL for a lot of our problems, too.

My grandfather got really ill after this and passed away about a year after the whole bad thing ended here. Former SIL and my bro divorced. She still had the kids and everybody was so worried. Finally my brother took her on and got custody so they are safe now. They are in CA.

As for me, I help take care of my grandma along with my mom and my aunt. My mom decided to pay my aunt and I for helping since it worked out better this way than hiring someone, which she really doesn't need yet at this point. She's still moving around pretty good. A little senile but that is to be expected. My grandparents lost one of my uncles when I was 5 to murder. My other uncle died in a horrible accident with an auger when he was building a fence on his land where he had a new house with his wife.

The ambulance couldn't find the place at first and then had to wait for he fire truck so Life Flight could land. By the time help arrived for my uncle he had lost almost all of his blood. For all intents and purposes he died there on his land but they did everything they could on Life Flight with transfusions and everything and I think they might have gotten him back a little but I'm not altogether sure about that.

Charlotte, just stay in Plan A a while longer. Will Human resources get your letter today? You DID give their full names and sign your name in that letter, right?

Another thing to think about when you speak to him is that in order for your marriage to recover he has to a) end all contact with the OW. That means he will have to LEAVE HIS JOB in order for this to work. The reason I bring this up now is because he may try to negotiate his way back but will try and con you into letting him continue to see her at work or be "friends." This will ABSOLUTELY not work. So if this comes up, I would lay it out NOW so he understands that this cannot work unless he leaves that job and ends all contact for life.

You sound like a new woman today, Charlotte. You picked up your weapon and SHOT BACK! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Bellevue!

I'm trying to be positive about that, yet realistic. Since the script is pretty much by the book at this time it does give me some hope.

I do feel different about him and if and when we do enter recovery...he will be the one that will have to prove himself to me. I am going to remain strong and true to my wedding vows and not falter.

I am hoping that everything that has happened will cause him to have some respect for me now. I am not going to be a crumb begging enabler anymore. I am hoping that once things cool off a bit he will be able to think clearer about my actions and understand that I am serious about this and this was done out of love, not anger.

I know this won't happen immediately if it even happens at all. I am hoping that this will eventually be what happens and we can recover.

Thanks Melody, I will do!

HR should have received the letter yesterday. I sent it overnight. H's boss maybe today, I sent it in a Priority envelope with return receipt.

Yes to both of their names in the letter. I don't remember if I signed it but mine was on there after "Regards."

Okay, now I need a boost. H took another 200 out of our account today. I have an appointment with a lawyer recommended by BB. I'm starting to feel anger now. I'm not going to call H. I did a quick check at our home. He has not been there yet.

Get the money out of your account, Charlotte!

Ditto Mel.

Drain that sucker immediately. Don't let him steal any more money from you.

You are doing great Charlotte.

Well, H has been to our home. He kicked some things around and left me notes with expletives.

I was going to go to the bank and I checked our account one more time and saw that he was in town. I'm sure he got gas on purpose because he knew I would be checking it. I decided to drive by to see if he was there. I wasn't going to stop if he was. He wasn't so I went in and saw what he did.

I left and came back to my g'ma's and after I pulled in the driveway my phone beeped. He had sent a text to me I guess when I was at our home but I did not get it until I got here.

He is SO p*ssed! I'm scared. I called 911 and told the police about what I did yesterday and that he was so mad I was afraid of him. They took my information and were very kind and understanding. They are going to be checking by here to make sure I am okay. They are now going to our house to see if H is there and will talk to him if he is.

I told them about his DWI and that he couldn't get pulled over or he'd lose his license, it's on probation until November thanks to me saving his *ss like I said in a previous post today.

I'm so scared I am shaking and crying a little. I guess he is so mad he will never forgive me. I'm scared to leave the house to go to the bank now. I have all of the doors locked and told my grandma not to answer if he shows up.

He is out of control. I'm scared, scared, scared. I guess I will not stay at our house tonight.

I have no way to lock him out in a way that he would not be able to get in and get at me.