Hi...

I am divorced and recently remarried. Before marriage, my fiancee lived with me and my 2 girls in MY house. Every other weekend, he would get his sons, and they stayed in our house, too. We married earlier this year. Because of the lack of space (we moved my girls into an 11x11 room, so the boys could have their own 'space' when they were with us), I bought a new home. Yes, I bought a new home--his credit is horrible, so I bought it on my own. In our new home, his boys have their very own room, and my girls each have their own room. This home is much more expensive than my last home (it's 2x the size), therefore, everything (elec, water, gas, etc) is more. And here's where the problem lies: My husband doesn't make a lot of money; after he pays child support, his car payment, and his insurance, he is left with just enough for gas. I give him approximately $100 every 2 weeks for additional gas money, and money so he can feed his children when he has them 2x a week. My husband doesn't have enough to contribute, money-wise, to home expenses at ALL. Like I said, I end up having to give HIM money. When we have his kids and we do something (go to the movies, etc.) I have to pay for all 4 kids (my two, plus his two). There have been several instances where my daughters are unable to do/get something simply because I don't have enough $ to pay for all 4 kids to do it. I find myself becoming resentful of him and his children. I know it's not their fault--my dh is doing the best he can--he just doesn't make the $ he needs to. I know HE feels horrible about it--he wishes he could do more. In the meantime, I feel like a horrible person, because I'm doubting my decision to marry him. I feel like things were so much easier when it was just me and my girls. The stress of having to pay for everything myself, keep this household running, and then having to support HIS kids when we have them is so much. He is also, and I hate to say this, "needy." I understand that he wants to spend time with me, but the truth is, I have two babies that need me right now. If I want to spend special time with my girls, he feels like I'm shunning him. You guys, it's just eating me up inside. I don't know what to do.

I'm curious, did you not work out a monthly budget before buying the new expensive house? It doesn't sound like your H lost his job suddenly, so should your cash flow not have been predictable? Or am I missing something?

How old are your "babies"? Have long have you known your H before marrying him? How long have you been married?

Your comment about "having to support HIS kids" speaks volumes IMO, and not in a good way.

AGG

Why yes, I DID work out a monthly budget--hence, I was able to buy the larger house with more commodities to fit our expanding family. Money is NOT horribly tight--but budgeted; I apologize if my post came off as otherwise.

I can tell just by your response that you, perhaps, have already lain judgment upon me and my situation.

My "babies," are ages 6 and 4--still quite young; my stepsons are ages 8 and 3; also young.

Before marrying my husband, I had known him for 6+ years. I dated him for nearly 2 years before marrying him.

The discussion regarding my posting "HIS" kids, was to show just that--I am their stepmother. I love them, but they are, in fact, HIS children. My resentment lies NOT in the fact that I have stepchildren, but the fact that I am not being able to give the life I want to my very own children because I am also supporting his children.

I guess I was just hoping that this would be a forum in which I could find another remarried person which would be, perhaps, in the same situation as I: Loving my husband uncontrollably, but having a difficult time adjusting to the unexpected changes that being a stepfamily brings.

OK, so when you did the budget, were you not able to see that you make more than him and will need to support him? Or did something change?


Well, no, it's just that you sound frustrated with him (hence the resentment discussion), but I am having trouble understanding why you are resenting him for things that should have been predictable and expected?


Nah, I only read what you post, and it seems to me that you are resenting your hubby for things that are beyond his control.


I know you won't like me doing this, but help me out with the math here - how long were you divorced before dating him, and how old were your/his kids at the time?


Was this unexpected?

You say that you love your husband uncontrollably, but your post is filled with comments about all the stuff that was YOURS, and how HE is sucking up YOUR money. Go back and reread your original post, if you like.

I must admit that I have not had to deal with a blended family, and I know it is a huge challenge. But I am pretty sure that keeping track of HIS money and YOUR money, and HIS kids and YOUR kids, will lead you down the path to a divorce. I believe the focus should be on inclusion, not exclusion - just watch some Brady Bunch reruns.

The more you resent him and his kids, the more your marriage will deteriorate. Remember, it is your choice to build up resentment rather than try to solve the problems.

AGG

lovmygirls,

There is a forum call Step Together, you will be able to get more help there since it is a support site for step family issues.

http://www.steptogether.org/

Good luck!

This is a forum for support/advice/venting, etc., and we all have had a difficult time adjusting - either to stepfamilies, divorce, single parenthood, etc.

My only comment to the above is I don't understand the "unexpected" changes you speak about. You mentioned that you knew he had bad credit, you knew he had children, etc. - now the hard work comes in with trying to make it work.....

Resentment won't solve anything (of this I know). Resentment will eat at you and eat at you until your love for your husband borders on hate. Trust me.

Laura

I echo the other posters who ask if this situation wasn't foreseen? Respectfully, you knew what you were taking on before you took it on.

Having said that, you are *in* the situation you are in now... so you have 2 choices. Make it work as best you can, or cut your losses and get out of it.

Personally I think the former is the better choice for all.

Money is money... it's overrated but it's a necessary evil... and it causes more marital problems that most would like to admit.

Have you discussed your feelings with your H? Not in a confrontational way... in a gentle way, offering possible suggestions to bring some relief.

Could your H take extra part time work? There's always places looking for delivery drivers (pizza etc), temporary gigs, there's always a way to find extra work and extra money if one wants to.

When XH and I were married, we agreed that I'd stay home with the kids - and that meant tightening our belts. He didn't make enough to support our modest lifestyle (older fixer upper house, used car - only one car...) - we didn't live large, but he still didn't make enough.

Different set of circumstances, but same solution... I stayed home with the kids, I started caring for another child during the day (for $), and then when he got home at night, I did part time stuff for the extra we needed.

In hindsight I may have done too much after hours stuff - it took a toll on the marriage - but in hindsight I could have done it differently but still done the extra.

I've delivered flyers, delivered phone books, I've sold sausages at home shows (a couple of weekends a year), I've worked at a golf course, a grocery store, a tax prep office (golf and taxes seasonal/temporary), waited tables... you get the idea. Heck in one 7-day period I had so many things overlap I did 5 different jobs in ONE WEEK... all at the same time I was staying home with my kids during the day.

I'm not suggesting that he take extra work such that he's never home... but rather if he did something part time a couple of evenings a week or something, he could make some extra money for the $100 that you're giving him. A couple of nights of delivering pizzas would probably net him enough tips to cover that $100 - heck could do $100/wk if need be - put that other 50 into the household bills.

It's doable - IF your H is willing. He may not know how you're feeling if you don't discuss it with him - but don't discuss it with defenses up and guns blazing.

I'm hearing from you that he is a good worker - just doesn't get much compensation for it... the other alternative would be for him to find a better-paying job in his current field, if it exists.

There are always solutions... though once we get into a negative mindset (resentment) we don't always see the possibilities that exist.

I can empathize... I haven't been in your situation exactly, but I did feel resentful at times when I was doing daycare at home 12 hours a day then going out to work for 5 or so more hours at night, just to make ends meet - so to that end I know a little bit about where you're coming from - although I did that to support my own H and own kids... so not exactly the same, but somewhat similar.

Talk about it - explore ideas. Use POJA to try to find solutions that you both can embrace.

JinGA

Money is the #1 thing people fight about.

You gotta take care of the fiscal situation before you get married. Figure out who is paying what. This is why I am a proponent of living togehter before marriage. But OTOH there are complications with that as well.