I’ve posted before about my H having an affair. He came back home and wanted to work it out. Come to find out he went a week without seeing her then started affair back. I found out by walking in on him talking to her on the phone at our house. He admitted he was still talking to her and he didn’t know why – he guessed it was because he wanted to be with her more. Now he has told me everyday since D-day that he wanted me more and he did care about her but he cared about me more. He even showed signs of acting like he was truly remorseful and sorry. Then when I caught him he said he guessed he wanted a divorce but didn’t want to go thru the process. Said he was scared because I am all he has ever known and I’m safe but he only loves me as a friend. I contacted OW mother (she’s single) and told her about the affair yesterday and she was livid and said she would never accept that and she raised her daughter better, and she was so sorry. My H called me and asked why I did that (didn’t seem too mad) After we talked briefly he called me back 3 more times and I didn’t answer.

Next thing I know he shows up and our house wanting to talk and I said there’s nothing to talk about and I finally stood up for myself and told him he chose her and that this wasn’t his home anymore and I was moving on. He basically told me he was content living at home taking care of me and still seeing her and that it hurt him so much to see me hurt and that the reason he came back home is b/c he felt it was the right thing to do. But pretty much he said he wants to date her and he sees a future with her. I guess I am in plan b b/c I haven’t talked to him in 2 days (he has called me about 5 times since yesterday) and I don’t plan to. Everyone keeps telling me that this is what will hurt him most, me acting like I'm moving on. What in the world is he doing? Does he want a divorce or was he fence sitting? What do I do with all this – do I just give up? Has anyone seen the WS move on with OP and be happy or do they blow up after they are in the real world. Any experiences anyone of you have will be so helpful. Thanks so much.

In case you haven't heard of cake-eating, this is the prime example. He is content living at home with his W but also wants to date another woman. He gets everything he wants at the expense of of your feelings. Is that OK with you? I don't think so.

Since you can't get him to cut off contact with OW, you'll have to cut off his contact with you. That way he's only getting half his dream and will have to rely on OW to fill it (which she won't be able to do). This is the basis for Plan B. Send a Plan B Letter and make that the only contact you have with him. Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Dr. Harley writes about how the WS is torn between the spouse and the AP and will ping-pong back and forth between the two.

You've done a good job by not answering his calls. What's the point in answering? What good does it do you? He just wants to try and convince you that it's OK for him to continue seeing OW. Or try to convince you he isn't seeing her anymore (like he already did). You've told him what he needs to know.

Only about 5 percent of affairs end up in marriage and 70 percent of those end in divorce, so those statistics should answer your question about whether WS and OP are going to be happy together. And if he was truly happy with OW even now, would he have called you 5 times since yesterday? Don't give him what he wants, which is to allow him to continue cake-eating.

update...

WH came by the house the afternoon and the babysitter wouldn't let him in. He got irate and his mom called me and cussed me out and told me that he was still paying for the house and he needed in. Well I got home and let him in and he said he stayed in a hotel last night and he was feeling so bad about what has happened and he was calling me this morning to tell me he was going to stay with his grandparents and not see me or her so he could think things out. He said he wanted to tell me he had seen the changes I had made(guess Plan A worked a little) since he got back home. When he left I asked him if he was ready for a divorce and he said "I guess you are since you are calling everyone & telling them about the affair" Then he left and said he was going to the bank to put some money in and asked me if that was enough. I called later to ask him if he was ready for a divorce and he said he wasn't ready to talk about it. It's like he is playing with my mind b/c he sees that I wasn't answering his calls. What the heck is he doing and what do I do now - go to an attorney or just wait?

Why do you keep asking about D and attorney? Do you want a D? If so, the answer is yes, go to an attorney and file for D. If not, don't. Now, if you are concerned about your financial situation and want legal advice, definitely see an attorney. But don't ask WH about that, regardless. Let him wonder. Don't let him know anything that you're doing.

So he got mad about not getting into the house and he called his Mama to complain? Wow, big man. Is his mom trying to help you save the marriage? Doesn't sound like it. So forget her. What's she going to do? Cuss you out? Not if you don't talk to her.

What did he need in for anyway? To tell you that he's not going to see you anymore? How much sense does that make? None. He can't leave a message saying he's going to be staying with his grandparents? He has to come inside the house to say that? I don't think so.

If you're in Plan B, you shouldn't see him or talk to him AT ALL.

I don't have much advice but I am going through the exact same situation. My WH says the same type of things. I don't want a divorce, if we were over this could have been done long time ago, you're the on talking about moving on, etc. It blows my mind. Some how it always comes back to me. My wh just moved out for a second time. We were separated for a year, then he moved back home for 3 months, now has moved out again. I guess the fog didn't wear off. I am ready to execute Plan B. Just ironing out the fine details so there are no surprises. I know this was no help, but sometimes it feels better knowing you're not the only one. Keep positive!