Hello all.. lurking & learning, but now I'm at a sticky spot.

Husband admitted affair, but won't leave OW - he's fence-sitting big time. I did plan A for a few weeks, but I'm so angry, I cannot talk with him - I just dig in & make demands! I know it's wrong, but I haven't worked through the anger.

So - after listening to Dr Harley earlier this week, where he said women should go to plan B quickly, I created the letter & got it to him yesterday (he works out of town)

Now, I'm heart-broken, because it seems so cruel to cut him off. I'm sad that I may have hurt him. I know that he has hurt me. I know rationally that it was the best thing to do, but emotionally, I'm a wreck.

Does the plan B letter ever help to get a resolution? How long does this (my) self-imposed exile last?

I miss him so terribly & we were talking every few days, but now I'm sure he will be angry and avoid me. Yes, I know the fence-sitting & talking with me was helping him. But now what do I do???

I would love to hear any successful plan B stories - I really need encouragement right now!

Thanks in advance!

I heard the same advice on the radio show as you regarding how BW should only do Plan A for about 3 weeks because they generally can't bear the stress for too long.

I always advise posters to look back at what they wrote because it usually contains the answer. You wrote that you were angry. Because your WH won't leave OW. Therefore, you have to be in Plan B because you're succumbing to Love Busters. You say you're making demands, but I don't know if they're selfish demands or not. I suspect you're probably using AOs.

Plan B is not about being cruel to WS, it's about preventing WS from hurting you, and making you angry and succumb to Love Busters. You must not have any contact with him in order to prevent that. It will last as long as it takes for your WH to meet the necessary requirements.

The fact that you miss him terribly is probably good, because when/if he comes around, you'll still have love for him. But make sure he meets the requirements of the PBL before letting him back! I've seen too many threads on here where people end Plan B based on the promise from their WS and then 1-2 weeks later find out there's been continued contact with OP. I think you would feel much worse then than you do currently.

I think you need to try as much as possible to not to focus on WH. Keep busy with taking care of yourself. Focus on your health and a hobby. Spend time with friends & relatives doing enjoyable things.

Ok - it's almost 2 weeks since plan B implemented. I have been doing really good focusing on me, writing a journal, exercising., etc. But today is horrible!

He works out of town & has now returned - to her house (I think)!

I'm dreaming up 1,000 ways to have to contact him. I don't know what to do if he show up at the house to get his belongings - he left with only his work clothes & items. He had said he was planning on NOT getting caught & act as if nothing had happened - so I know he was coming home - until the Plan B LETTER!!

I'm afraid I have blown it & caused a rift that may have not been there. He's very stubborn & the letter may have him thinking I've dumped him.

Do I stay DARK & wait for a sign of life from him? Or can I take control & ask him (via text message) where he want me to have the moving company deliver his belongings? Or do I just wait.....?

Another small glitch is we were taking a trip to Europe on 11/28 for our 5th anniversary. Plane tickets, etc are not refundable. Can I ask him if he is planning on going with me? I will go by myself if he says no, but I need to change 1 plane flight & time is running out for that.

Is going dark mean that I shoulder all the burdens of ending our life alone? Is it possible to have contact to resolve business affairs, banking, investments, etc?

So, I guess the question is how dark should dark be???

I think that I can see him & not be angry. I've read LB & EA, so I'm prepped for neutrality.

Any suggestions, anyone?

Hi... How's it going?

Is the trip to Europe still a consideration?

ttys

I will suggest that Plan B is for bare minimum contact. Only business related stuff, not A/R talk. It is there to protect you, not put you in a cave.

I think the other hope for plan B is for WS to realize the EN's you were satisfying now that they are gone.

Hi-

He's still with her, they went to Aruba over Thanksgiving.

He has blown $22K since July 12 on her - she is a real GoldDigger & he's now hiding $15K+ from me that he received last week for logging our property. I'm sure he will blow through that also - especially with Christmas coming up. He's now seasonally unemployed - living on unemployment benefits of $400 per week, so I'm sure when the $$ is gone - so will she.

He calls almost every day - giving me an update of their unrest - I let the answering machine get the calls & record them for future use.

The last call yesterday was "take care of us... please" & "it won't be long..." All this as he drove to refill Viagra Rx (I get e-mails of medical insurance activity)

So - he should get the 2007 annual award for FENCE-SITTING!! And an additional award for LYING!!!

I'm seeing a MC. I am not angry - just disappointed that this had to happen to our life. I'm doing well on plan B - he is initiating all the contact & creates reasons to come to the house to get something he desperately needs that day. He has not moved his belongings out - I expect he will sneak in here while I'm gone.

He saw a list I have on the refrig about countdown to divorce & was indignant that I would do it to him!! HA! what a hypocrite!

So - that's the high-level update! Going dark & staying dark is my mantra!

Thanks for all the support - as I read these threads, I see that there are a lot of selfish, immature people out there who leave a path of destruction as they avoid the reality of life as they go through life!

BYE!

Hi all,

Still lurking & learning. Thought an update would be appropriate!

Went dark & went on 5th anniversary trip to Europe alone. Some lonely times, especially coming back to hotel room & eating dinner alone, but overall, I had a ball! It gave me much confidence that I could survive - alone!!

While overseas, I checked my online text message area - my son had that as a way to communicate since phone calls were expensive + time zone change. Messages from H - trouble in paradise & did he have a home to come back to? When would I be back in US? I ignored him! He showed up 2 days after I arrived home with sob stories - I told him I wasn't interested & showed him the door.

I did really well over the holidays & took care of me, but had a bummer few days early in the 1st week of the year. I bounced back & feel VERY empowered. During this time frame, I did not contact him - just re-mailed his bills to her PO box. Lots of bills!!!!

I saw him 2 days ago for the 1st time in almost a month & KEPT MY COOL - no emotion & cut him off when he started complaining, etc. Told him I wanted divorce as I was not going to endure his fence-sitting. Made appointment with divorce mediator. He wasn't happy when I said that.

He showed up at 8am yesterday needing paperwork in his files. I didn't break down, but I got a little hot but kept it in check. Spent last night congratulating myself...! It certainly gets easier with time!!!

He showed up again today with a speech of how he wanted to make changes in our marriage, etc. I didn't discuss it - told him that the man he is today isn't someone I want & I would rather be alone than be treated badly by him again. He went into specific details of what he wants to change in himself - he's sorry he messed up our lives, etc. Wants to go to counselor, etc. I remained calm, stated my feelings and what I would not accept from him, if at all. He tried to hug me but I said no. When he left, he thanked me for talking so calmly with him about these serious matters of our marriage. My insides did a little jump for joy!!! PLAN B WORKS!!!!

He's going to her after a big fight this am which may continue into tonight...awwww... so sad...NOT!

I still don't know if I want him back - my IC says to divorce him. But I'm not a delirious wreck and am much more strong. Not scared of the future or being alone! All this in 4 months & 4 days since finding out about the affair. I'm patting myself on the back for not folding and not being emotional when around him.

Now ....off to a celebratory BubbleBath! lavender bubbles or Jasmine???

G'Night all & thanks for sharing your stories of pain & success - it really does help other BS get through this horrible time.

Hi PWP,

I'm glad is the plan B works for you. I've been lurked this site for the last 4 months, and I just registered. I don't know how to post a new subject. Here is my short story, and I really need help. I would like to implement a plan B, but I don't how to start.

I'm BW 49, him WH 47. I discovered he has an affair in 9/10. We went to see MC all those time, and alo still lying to me & MC. He still contact OW, and had told me that he needed time & space to make up his mind. He moved out couple time (1 christmas & 1 last weekend) each time about 3-4days in the weekend, so he can be with her. The last time, he moved back and try to work out our marriage. But this morning, he acted weird and I asked him point blank "do you miss her?" and he admitted that. I told him to move out the house and take more time to think about his decision. I think he's fence-sitting now. I love him so much and I told him that I always wait for him, I also asked him do not call me during this time until he's ready. I would like to implement plan B, but I don't know where to start. I really appreciate any advice from you. Love is sucks.

Thanks,

Ditto that.
My WH has been in his own place for 2 weeks but as he broke his leg the day before he moved out, I have been kind of around.
Give me Plan B!!!
I am feeling better about the separation now as another blatant lie surfaced - something pathetic about starting up smoking cigarettes again, but principle is there!
I am supposed to be joining WH and kids for dinner after work tomorrow and for the first time would rather be at home by myself.
Yay for strength - well today anyway!
By the way, what does 'going dark' mean?
Ralfie

Hi, thought I would jump in here since my story seems so identical to those here.

D-Day last August, initiated NC plan in Sept. working on marriage in plan A thru Dec. WH dumps plan A for another MC. Find out last weekend he was seeing OW since Dec. Went immediately to Plan B, delivered Plan B letter. He is siting on the fence and I am holding firm.

Just told the kids this morning and they did ok. Of course I didn't say this was forever, I hoping that it is not. WH travels a lot so they are used to him gone.

WH works with OW. OW divorcing her BH.

It actually feels like relief to have him gone.

I have an itermediary and have not spoken to him or emailed him since last Sunday.

Would love to hear other's progress in plan B

It appears that I am still kind of in Plan A according to the replies I am getting in another section under Rules of Separation that I posted (in Recovery).
Please tell me what is in the Plan B letter as I may need to get one ready.
I know that he has told her to bugger off and leave him alone, and no, he doesn't need to see her to tell her this. This was a great breakthrough really as his need to be 'nice' was getting us nowhere.
I was away for 5 days (communication course) and I was getting text messages left right and centre. I played it rather cool, but am scared of creating an atmosphere where he will just go away.
Keep me posted.

Update:

We've gone to a divorce mediator this week - he is still with her, but wants me to "wait it out until the relationship ends...." Even the neutral mediator was shocked at the stupidity of that statement!

I have been avoiding him & until the appointment, hadn't seen him in 2+ weeks. I don't answer the door, he drives by daily.

2 nights ago he called me from HER house & wanting his work clothes/etc - and has "good news!" and wants to see me. I told him that I would leave the stuff outside the door - and I did! I haven't seen or spoken to him yet.

Have no idea what the news is, but if they are done & now he loves me & wants to come back because she doesn't want him anymore- I don't think I will be very cooperative. I'm not sure I want him anymore!

So to Ralfie - create an atmosphere for YOU - don't worry about if he will go away. He's made decisions without you, now you must make decisions about you. If he goes away - it just makes it much easier for you to live your life. Think of the peace & quiet you'll have alone!!! You sound young - you have many decades ahead of you to live YOUR life & be happy for YOU! And your children will be happier.

I have a sign posted on my refrigerator: I would rather be healthy & alone than sick and in a marriage!

You can find the plan B letter in the MB book "Surviving an Affair" get it ASAP & read it many times. As you go through this insane situation you will see gems of insight for each twist & turn he throws at you.

Good luck, Sweetie - you are not in this alone! And - it gets easier with time. [color:"#666666"] [/color]