Hi everyone,
thanks so much for your msgs. Each and every one of them helped us, even if my BS doesn't want to read MB. I printed some pages for her anyway...

For us, the shock is beggining to end but now her anger and sadness are starting to show up. It's still very early, but I can see it in her. On my side, I'm feeling true GUILT for the very first time. I'm looking at my past actions and I just can't believe I did all that. It almost seems like it was another Luis, some bad guy that is not me.

My BS talks to me, we watch TV together and she is even caring in some ways, but she won't touch me. No holding hands, no hugs, absolutely nothing. It's driving me insane.

I'm being torn by my own stupidity. I think about the way I was with her and cry my heart out. I feel like I'm dying...

I want to fix the damage so much. I want to make her feel better, have her feel loved. I'm doing everything I can, NC, 110% honesty... But my own shortcomings (my needyness) makes everything so much more difficult <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I keep trying to go back in time and tell the OW "Get the f**k away from me! I'll never have anything with you! Go find someone on your level!" I wish I could have been stronger and have a clear vision of all events. I didn't... I was so blind...

I'm crying on my own today, since my BS is on a very short business trip (for the day). I'm having time to look at EVERYTHING, from all angles.

Now I see that, after the first episode (2 kisses), I couldn't see myself as the adulterer. I had this romantic view of me as a "sad lover", I had a lot of pain but not really guilt. I didn't digest the first episode at all, I wanted to just keep on living, and that was my downfall. If I had gone through the full proccess, quit the job, stay with my wife, nothing further would have happened. But I didn't want to see myself as an adulterer. I didn't want to see the OW as an "evil person" that was trying to break a marriage. All I could see (and feel) was my individual pain and the fact that my litttle affair had been stopped short.

How teenager-ish and superficial. I was blind to everything that mattered. Now I'm crying in front of this computer, my BS horribly hurt, everything in shambles.

I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at the OW. And I feel so sorry for my BS, for making her suffer like that for 6 months. It's inexcusable...

Sorry about my rambling... I feel like some part of me has just awakened and it doesn't like what it sees...

Luis

Luis,

Sorry to hear what's happened... it sounds liek you cheated for 6 months, came clean and expect everything to be OK in 3 days?

Sorry to tell you this.... it will be a lot longer than 6 months for her to recover. if you truly want this marriage to work out, give her EVERYTHING she needs, NOT what you think she needs. F that need is space... as hard as it may be to give it to her. Give it. Don't take off or anything, just leave the room, don't pop in every now and again. when she's ready she'll come to you.

Don't make advances towards her to make yourself feel better. it will only drive her away. The first reaction to your touch will be a thought... she'll think, did he touch her like this? and the anger and hurt will come back.

All it takes is one kiss, and you have betrayed your wife. reassure her, not with words, with actions. Make her feel safe to be with you, once you have that back... love willl follow.

Above all else, do not, DO NOT, try to be there for any other reason but to reassure her she's safe with you and can trust you.

...also, don't ever ask her "how many times to I have to say i'm sorry?" the answer is this... as many times as she needs to hear it. And every time she does, she better believe it.

i wish you the best.
TOMK

PS. I'm new here so my advice may not be the greatest...
Still good luck with everything though.
TOMK

TOMK,
what strikes me the most is how totally blind I was. I feel disgusted at myself.

This was major betrayal... All I want now is to make her feel better...

YOU can't MAKE her. All YOU can do is be there for her when she wants you there, and leave her be when she needs her space.

Be attentive, gentle, and loving. do not be overbearing, demanding, or looking for a quick fix.

You are still in the house, she is too? Do what you can to keep it that way. you must both stay! you have that and time on your side...unfortunately, that's all you have. besides MB that is.

stop beating yourself up and start getting your plan together on how you will SHOW her she can trust you again. This is not going to fixed overnight. If you think it will, you already lost the war.

As someone here told me... this is a war, don't think big picture...think little picture...battles. Only for you they aren't battles with HER, the battle is for you to find a way to show her you are worthly of her trust.

Finding 1 small way for 1 small piece of trust, battle #1
Battle # 2 for you is to make a plan to show her.
battle # 3 I would suspect would be within yourself. Don't do something to get something... do it becuase you want to, showing her and giving 110% should be enough for you right now. IF she doesn't react the way you hoped or imagined, you lost battle #1... you weren't thinking of her, you were thinking how cna i get her to accept an apology.

does that make any sense to you?

EVERY single day, you have a job to do... SHOW her you can be trusted. EVERY single day. that includes days she wants nothign to do with you. you don;t have to do something for her to show her you can be trusted....

TOMK...

Thank you for your posts. As a BS, I can tell you that you are right on the money. I am still relatively new here, too. Your suggestions sound great to me. Keep it up.

Luis...
Listen to TOMK. Especially the part about not only telling her that she can trust you, but SHOWING her. That is SOOO important!!! Also the part about giving her as many apologies as it takes. It will take alot more than you may want it to. If you love her like it sounds like you do, you will do whatever it takes. Eat as much crow as you have to in order to show her the love and commitment you still want to have with her.

I agree with Lamby all the way.

TOMK..... you stated that wonderfully.

Luis....
Definitely listen to TOMKs advice. And i can at least hope that my WH has the same feelings that you do. Don't give up.

I'm relatively new here too. I was the WS, and had an EA/intense crush. My S was devastated. He eventually moved out partly because he was so hurt.

I have begun to understand that it will not be a quick fix. As it won't be for you either. My road has just started, but I realize that it's going to take a lot of time and patience. And I know S might never recover, and I might never regain his trust again. You have to face that possibility too.

The MB stuff works. My S, 3 weeks ago said he would NEVER come back. After 3 weeks (which is NOT a long time at all...), he says he knows he still loves me. But I know this road is far from over. It's going to take permanent changes, as it will for you.

Work on yourself, you don't have control over your wife, but you have control over yourself. So, work with that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Luis...

Just wanted to check in with you to see how this is going. I reread your 1st post and I'm a bit concerned that you might inadvertantly push to much. you say "even if my BS doesn't want to read MB. I printed some pages for her anyway..."

you can't do this... you are almost forcing your will on her and this will get you KNOW WHERE. I understand your thought process on it and you want to leave the stuff out for her to read. But think of her POV... she doesn't want to come here to read. What do you do then? Print some things out and either give them to her or leave them somewhere (hopefully you left them someone and dropped it at that).

Remember... SHE will let you know when SHE'S ready... for anything. Bethere when she needs you, but do not push for her needs!

you are going to be walking a very thin line and I'm concerned that you might not know how thin that really is.

Growing up I was told "It doesn't matter how many atta boys you get, all it takes is ONE ah sh*t" You had your one ah Sh*t... you have a lot of attaboys to go before you are on neutral ground again.

Post every day, let us know how it's going. Let us help when YOU need it. It might be a good idea to post what you want to do for her, before you it. Best to get other's POV first then to realize the mistake in hindsight.

Thougths of you... take care and good luck!
TOMK

Hi Tom,
I know I can get pushy. I'm trying to let go of that, be mellower and less intrusive. It's tough when I'm seeing her for the first time in years... Way before the affair.

We lost track of each other. She says she did her best... I know I didn't do mine. I just DID NOT SEE what I had. There was this imperfect picture of me and her and I based my decision on that.

Your advice is sound. I'm trying hard to let her be... To respect her. It's difficult for me since I got so used to getting what I wanted. It's a leasson in humility...

Hi,

Have you read SAA, HNHN and taken the EN questionnaire? If yes, can you please call Steve for a recovery plan?

L.