Ludlow - Think about this. Your wife has had an affair, and instead of feeling grateful that you want to stay married to her, she is going to start working and traveling with the affair enabler. That just doesn't make sense.

I would get some solid proof of the affair and notify the board. Your wife seems like she is playing you to protect him. See how much she wants to work on the marriage once you expose him.

Ludlow, your exposure to the chiropractic board has nothing to do with her current behavior. He needs to be exposed PERIOD because he is a MENACE who is guilty of MISCONDUCT. If he is screwing around with your W, I am sure there are others. This should be done REGARDLESS of your situation.

You have a copy of her no contact letter, right? Use that as evidence and also cite her confession.

Secondly, what needs to happen next is a plan of recovery. Yes, she should apologize but it is not likely she will feel true remorse until she is through withdrawal. Here are the steps towards recovery: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

All I can tell you is how I handled it. For me, I had to know that my WW was "all in" on our marriage. That included NC with both the OM and the BF ... you seem to be in a similar situation.

I simply couldn't accept ANY compassion or protection for the OM, nor would I have been comfortable for her meeting and discussing US with the BF on some out of town business meeting. Our recovery had to be about US, with no outside interference from anyone other than our MC.

Remember, when it comes to recovery, you as the BH, get to call the shots. If she doesn't agree to your terms, then you know pretty quickly exactly where you stand and can make the necessary decisions accordingly.

Good Luck.

"You have a copy of her no contact letter, right? Use that as evidence and also cite her confession."

Good point, Melody. I've been worried about having some proof when he exposes to the board. The other thing is that chiroboy may have done this with other patients, and may have other accusations in his history.

I was thinking the same thing, believer. Its probably not the first time.

Hi, Ludlow.

I agree with Believer.

You are bouncing around thinking you have all the power. That is a dangerous game to play with someone that has something to lose.

Quietly, and efficiently play your hand to the medical board. Use a lawyer to do so. Do NOT inform your wife of your actions. You will want to send the NC letter to the doc, and provide copies of both the NC letter and the emails to your lawyer.

Never waive your winning hand in the face of other players at the table. Just take the winnings with a straight face.

You might also want to ask yourself if your use of power has been an issue in the marriage in the past. I have seen this with other men I have worked with.

All the best,
Gimble

First of all, I would like to thank all who have responded. I truly appreciate all the comments and am grateful for this site. I have now read HNHN and SAA just showed up today. With that said, here's where I stand. The NC letter was mailed on Monday for a Tuesday delivery. She has agreed to work on our marriage and has actually moved back into our bed. She does not want me to send my letter to the Chiro board and to the Chiro and has apoligized to me for having the A. I feel it is sincere, but the more I'm around this board, I know I could be getting duped. I have met with an atty that specializes in Sex harrasmnet and he is good. He is also a friend. His advise was that if I truly want to work on my marriage, I should not expose the Chiro to the board as that will take me down the wrong path and work counter to my goal of rebuilding. Her best friend is still covering for her as she has been lying to her husband and telling him she never knew about the A, while her husband is hearing from me that his wife knew and has been lying to him. My wife now indicates she will talk with her friend and have her do the right thing, which is tell the truth. I am also fighting my moral conscience in that what if I dont expose Chiroboy and he wrecks another marriage. I have asked my wife her feelings on why she has had a change of heart and decided to work on the marriage. She said it is 75% in her heart to work on marriage and 25% fear of my exposing Chiroboy. By the way, if nothing else, Marriagebuilders should have a name change. It should be Marriagebuilders, or how to get in the best physical and mental shape of your life in 6 weeks or less!!!

Ludlow,

Honest question ... does it bother you that 25% of the reason your WW is agreeing to R is to PROTECT the OM?

In my case, I made it clear that I loved my wife, but I would not share her. In this case, if effect, isn't your WW saying that she is with you 75% and with OM 25%. Aren't you still "sharing" your WW with OM?

L:

Expose to the board, and have your lawyer call the DA.

If someone does something illegal and unethical, they should not be protected from the consequences. And even if they were, would you want it to be HIM?

Is he married? Expose to his wife if she is. See to it that he never touches another woman again. I hope he goes to jail!

My Rev-- Yes it does bother me but I feel I am at least in a position where the OP is going to be totally out of the picture and unable to compete with me for my wife. With that said, I am still going to be on guard.

Scott- Exposure to the board is easier said than done for a myriad of reasons. #1, my exposure probably rips my family apart and prevents any chance I may have at reperation. My goal right now is to fix my marriage and not to get revenge against Chiroboy. He will get his soon enough...

What is the purpose of hiring the attorney? Is he an expert in sexual harassment law, or an expert in marriage-building? This is a serious question you need to ask yourself!

Please do not take the advice of your friend, the attorney when it comes to recovering/rebuilding your marriage. You don't come to these boards to get legal advice, but marriage-building advice. Use the right source! If it is all too confusing, give the real marriage-building expert, Dr. Harley, a call and I'm sure he'll share with you his expert advice on the issue of the medical board as it relates to recovering your marriage.

Todd


edited to add:

Perhaps the needed exposure to the medical board can be done when your wife comes out of her fog and is truly working with you to recover the marriage. Both of you can then be involved in protecting other women from this disgusting piece of filth. Again, call Dr. Harley if you want the real expert advice on how best to handle this.

OK ... you don't want to hear this, but WW's LIE, LIE, and then LIE some more. If your WW will admit to still harboring "25%" feelings for the OM, then you can bet your last dollar that she has more feelings for him than that.

I've not looked it up, but somewhere in the beginning of this thread you mentioned that your WW said she was now disgusted (or something to that effect) with the OM ... NOW she claims to still hold "some" feelings for him and is actively trying to protect him from you filing a complaint with the Chiro Board. Wanna try to "square" those two statements??? She's babbling ... plain and simple. ACTIONS SPEAK MUCH LOUDER THAN WORDS !!!

You need to face the fact that OM in NOT "totally out of the picture" if your WW is still protecting him. She is placing her feelings for him ahead of her feelings for you.

It's your life and you can live it or screw it up however you want ... just have enough courage to at least be honest with YOURSELF.

oh, and one other thing...

How will this play if your wife stops seeing the chiro professionally and then resumes seeing him personally? I see this as having the potential to destroy any case against the chiro and leaving him "unencumbered" by any legal/professional consequences to pursue your wife. Then you really lose. Isn't it better to make him wish he had never met your wife so that he has zero desire to resume the affair with her even if she wishes for such in her weak moments?

Todd

MR- I dont think I ever said she was disgusted with the OM.If I did, it was inadvertant. I can tell she has feelings for him. But I do feel she is willing to severe all contact at this point. I also feel she will take his side if I expose. So I'm damned if I do and damed if I dont. Right now, I am taking the course of catious optimism. I have also counselled with Jennifer on the phone and she seems to suggest working more on my marriage in a plan a scenario and holding off on "exposing the white tsunami of truth" to the chiro board. So for now, I am taking it hour by hour....

So we take a new twist. The Chiros wife called me tonite. Yes he is married. She is very concerned about the letters that my W has been sending to the Chiros house warning him about my potential to send letters to the DA and the Chiro Board. My wife is now devestated. She has come clean and admitted details of the affair and says the guy is a scum bag and duped her. The Chiros wife is faxing me the letters my wife wrote tomorrow. My wife even sounds like she will join me in helping get our money back from teh POS. I am almost numb. My wife says she now wants me to call the wife of the chiro and admit the affair but tell her that she only did it because he told her he was divorced. What now???

Ludlow - YOU are working to save the marriage. Your WIFE is working to warn and protect chiroboy. Look at her letters! I thought she was willing to have no contact.

Expose. Why did Jennifer say not to expose?

Well, Ludlow, looks like it's time to take off the gloves.

Now do you see your WW was more invested in taking care of Chiroboy than she was her marriage? Now is the time to fight like a demon to keep your marriage and it don't include any empathy or sympathy for Chiroboy.

Send your letters tomorrow before he lies to her and makes her more promises he has no intentions of keeping.

Now She knows how betrayal feels. It's time to stop operating out of fear, and stand up to this lowlife.

Now that my wife knows he is married, she now wants me to speak with his wife today and tell her the details of the affair. My wife says she feels like she has been led on and lied to by the Chiro as he indicated that they were divorced. I am going to meet with her today. Do I also tell her that my wife is now thinking about filing a claim with the Chiro board as well as mine? My wife gave me more details of the A last nite, do I relay those to Chirowife? What else do I want to tell her?

I would tell her everything if it were me (but i am very new here so you maybe should listen to the more experienced MBers here).

I would also report him to the Chiro board and anyone else who will listen. This guy sounds like a scum bag.

It simply amazes me how many of these stories I have read where the OP is such a scum bag and the WS seem to like it.

My Hs OW was NOTHING like any person he had ever been with maybe that is the draw with the OP. Who knows?

I just know that affairs suck the life out of everyone involved in them and make your life seem so different than it was.

Speak with her only about the affair. I wouldn't talk to
her about your legal plans. these are of a personal nature and not her business til her WH gets served. Don't warn them. They don't need extra "spin" time to fabricate a defense.

She feels betrayed, now, watch her that she doesn't want to talk to him or see him for "closure"

Good Luck today GF