Ludlow, don't you see this for what it is? The whole time your wife was giving you this 75%/25% story, she was behind the scenes trying to PROTECT him. Now all the sudden (since she was caught) he's done her wrong! Sorry, I'm not buying it.

I would NOT discuss anything relating to the possible legal actions with OM's wife. I wouldn't even meet with her really. Anything you say to her today can come back to bite you if you pursue a legal action. Don't think for a minute that she won't be protecting her husband's income, even if she is mad as heck right now.

Well, good that you exposed to the wife. The fantasy should be over. And this jerk is probably sweating more than you can imagine.

I still think expose to board and DA, but if you need to hold off a bit, do so.

Track everything your WS does. If you don't have a keylogger, get one. If your wife is ever gone suspiciously, call OM's wife.

Be forewarned, this is just the beginning of your struggle. Ending the A won't instantly bring feelings back for you. In fact, your WS may say more really horrible things over the next couple weeks.

On a added note, I wouldn't tell OMW anything that wouldn't serve a purpose but would just hurt. Length of affair, nature of it, where it took place. Nothing extremely detailed, unless you want to give her nightmares.

I spoke with the wife of the chiro today for over an hour over the phone. she confronted him with the information i had given her. At first he denied, then she offered up the info i had given her from my wife- ie bedroom layout, plants, lamps etc. He then started wimpering and got sick. She said he was like a little baby. She also said that if he thought he had any marital problems with her, he should think again. She pointed out that I have the information to turn him in and that he should fear the worst. Well, onward and upward. My wife now claims he is a creep and his lying to her about his marital status proved to her that he is not worth it and she was duped or conned. She said she feels stupid and complicit. I told her that we would have to address those issues together. I feel she is now truly ready to move ahead and try and rescue our marriage. But that could change in 15 minutes!!!

I agree totally with Scott. My FWH "ended it" and said horrible things about his OW and then continued to see her.

Just continue to keep checking and keep your ears and eyes open.

Also agree that you should only let OMW know that it is going on. That will hurt her enough.

PM hit the nail on the head. Your W was protecting the OM and hoping for a resumption. Ludlow, you should just send a letter to the board and be done with it. IT IS IN NO ONE'S BEST INTEREST TO NOT REPORT HIM TO THE BOARD. It is not in HIS best interest, not in your W's best interest, yours, his W's or his patients.

He is a MENACE to society and should be STOPPED for his grossly destructive unprofessional conduct. It is in HIS BEST interest to face the consequences of his behavior so he will be movitivated to change. Because he WILL be stopped, Ludlow. It will either be by YOU or the NEXT husband whose wife he has an affair with. Don't be a coward and allow him to continue to harming people, Ludlow. Do the right thing and stop this man.

Your friend the atty knows NOTHING about saving marriages. NOTHING. Keeping this secret helps NO ONE.

And this case is another example of an OP who lied about his marital status. This is why we INSIST that BS' find out the truth independently and to even expose to supposedly "X" spouses. More often than not, they are married.

We are now working it out. My W is reading SAA and is willing to do a questionaire. She and I are going to wait a month to decide whether or not to file a complaint with the Chiro board, so that is on hold for now. We are sleeping in the same bed. It seems to good to be true. She has expressed to me however, that she feels my behavior during my snooping period and subsequent interrogation "broke her spirit" and she is conflicted inside. Is this normal and part of her "withdrawl" and what should I do from here other than plan A. She does not want to divorce and for right now, nor do I. Should I be this willing to forgive. She says she expected me to not forgive this easily. By the way, the OM's W left him yesterday and my W knows that. She says she has no desire to see him and is actually afraid of seeing him for fear of retaliation for admitting to the A...

How does your wife know that the OM's wife left him yesterday?

His wife called me yesterday and told me she was leaving him and that he was very nervous and anxious about what my wife and I would be doing regarding potential legal action. I then told my wife what she said. Was that a mistake?

WHY? What would be the purpose of waiting? Is this a special favor for her lover?


Yes, it broke the "spirit" of her affair and her waywardness. That is a very good thing. Crackheads are also very "conflicted" and feel "broken" when the crack is yanked from them. But they feel grateful once they recover.

I hope you understand the NEED of continued snooping?? It is imperative that you continue to check up on her when she is so vulnerable to a repeat contact.


No, you should not forgive this easily. That is not in her best interest or yours. It is in her best interest and yours, to make JUST COMPENSATION. That is how your marriage will recover. It is important that you both read this article thoroughly.


Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Dr. Harley: "I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money."

entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Ludlow,

I just caught up with your thread and was rooting for you and booing the chiro! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

""She has expressed to me however, that she feels my behavior during my snooping period and subsequent interrogation "broke her spirit" and she is conflicted inside. Is this normal and part of her "withdrawl" and what should I do from here other than plan A.""

YOUR BEHAVIOR???? Oh PULLLEEAASSSE!! This sounds like fogbabble and withdrawal, with some whiney immaturity thrown in.

It is the discovery and the death of the fantasy that has broken her spirit.(for now)

Of course she's blue, and feels humiliated, stupid, trashy, victimized, and very guilty.

So is that conflicted??

You show her your best plan A and be her rock and sounding board. Be her safe haven and no lovebusters.

This low life chiro MUST stand accountable for his actions. Although a month of looking over his shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop could send him over the edge.

So far we have a happy ending, (or the next best thing). Glad this worked out the way it was supposed to.

EDITED to add..I agree with Miss Lane that you must still be vigilant and on your toes. This seems to be ending happily but there is still a long way to go.

kirk

I would like to thank all for their support and advise. However, my mini saga has taken a new twist. (and my guess not the last) I just spoke to the wife of the Chiro on the phone and she indicated that my wife had admitted to an earlier affair with a bartender when she worked in a restaurant 5 or 6 years ago. She told chiro that it was only for sex and the bartender got too attached and she blew him off. Now what do I do with this new info?

Confirm the previous A, and if true, RUN ... that makes it a serial type thing. Others may disagree, but I can forgive a mistake, but not a pattern.

Then, just for my own enjoyment ... I'd file the complaint with the Chiro board, but HONESTLY, I'd have done that already.

Does this information match the past? Did she work at a restaurant 5-6 years ago? If it matches then I would be inclined to think it is true. Why would OMW know that unless she heard it from OM and he had to have heard it from your WW. Sit your wife down and ask her if other than OM has she ever been unfaithful. Don't let her know what you know because (I'm sorry) there may be even more and she will try to fish to see what you know already.

What do Melody Lane, Believer and the Harleys say about discovering past infidelity. I admittedly was not meeting anyones emotional needs back then as well. Do I sweep it under the rug and move on, knowing I'm now armed with info that can "affair proof" my marriage or do I bring it up and address it now?

You and your wife need to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting giving her the opportunity to get everything out on the table. Find out exactly what you're dealing with first so you'll know how to proceed.

Aw Jeeze, there goes the "happy ending".

OK, lets look at the time frame here.

""she indicated that my wife had admitted to an earlier affair with a bartender when she worked in a restaurant 5 or 6 years ago. ""

Now from the first post on this thread.

She has been having the affair with a chiropractor that has been treating her for over 10 years.""

Was she having the A with the chiro for 10 years?

Chiro's wife probably heard this from chiro when he was blubbering about the A to her, explaining that it was not his fault but your WW, because she did it with a bartender 5 or 6 years ago and she is a harlot and a tramp etc. etc. and she seduced him and he was innocent in this whole deal.

I do think you need to bring this up to your wife and get it all out in the open.

LONG LIVE COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY!!

IMHO

kirk

In order to heal, ALL the truth needs to come out on the table. Tell her you KNOW about the affair and ask her to fill in the gaps. I hate to tell you this, but this older affair is probably going to be tougher to recover from FOR YOU, Ludlow. She has been lying to you FOR YEARS in addition to commiting adultery. In other words, you were kept in this marriage on a LIE.

All the truth is on the table. She has apologized verbally and also in a letter to me. She now says she loves me and has no interest in straying outside the marriage. She is filling out the ENQ as I type. She is willing to implement a MB step by step program to rebuild our marriage. She has stopped all contact with the OP's. I thought it would be alot easier than this to move on. Now its me. I keep wavering between paranoia on where she is going and who she is with and being mad. Also, the OMW keeps calling and wants to meet for coffee. She says that I am the only one that understands her plight. Anyone have any advise on how to get the paranoia feeling out of my stomach other than divorce or just waiting it out? Also, do I console the wife of the Chiro?

noooooooooo, don't console her. You should only talk to her about pertinent information about the affair on the phone. If she is calling about anything other than NEW information that you need to know, I would ask her to keep it to that. She needs to understand that you are both vulnerable to an affair yourselves and should not do anything that would capitalize on that vulnerability.



That is called RECOVERY from a traumatic shock. You are SUPPOSED to feel like that. That is called NORMAL. You are looking at about 2 years before you can move on. IF she does everything to restore your trust and give you just compensation.