Ok kinda long story but i will try and make it short. i found out i was pregnant for the third time in 18 months last january. My husband and i had been married four about 2.5 yrs and together almost six. We did not have any children yet and this was somewhat unexpected but expected. We were both worried that this would end up in another misscarriage but all went well. THen when i was six months pregnant my husband tells me that he doesn't think he is "in love with me any more." He had thougt that i felt the same way. At that time he denied seeing anyone.

When i told him that i didn't feel the same way he was upset and decided he wanted me to give him time to now figure out how he felt. Well he ended up with severe multiple cases of diverticulitis to the point he was hospitalized once and taken out of work several times. It even got to the point that he ended up having a foot and half of his colon removed. Now i know that his stress only agrivated his underlying medical problem. Well he had surgery exactly one week before i had our beautiful daughter which was 9/19. Two days ago he tells me that he has been seeing someone. He won't tell me exactly how long says it doesn't matter. He says that he loves me and will always love me but is not "in love" with me. he feels that he thinks he wants to work this out but needs space to figure things out. he doesn't want to stop talking to this girl cause she makes him feel happy.

NOw i didn't know that our marriage was to this point nor did i know that i pushed him in this direction by not meeting his needs. he is only telling me right now that the relationship was emotional and not physical.

i love him so much and i forgive him....his actions are his responsobility but my actions drove him that way.....i just feel so empty inside....i need some words of comfort

Bella,

You have come to the right place, there are some wonderful people here that will be able to help you and your situation. I am going through what you are now, my wife, had an affair and I am working to recover our marriage, even though she hasn't shown any desire to continue. Please keep your head up and start reading the Marriage builder books and forum. It hurts more than anything right now, but you will make it.

Ryan.

And, stop blaming yourself for HIS adultery. You are responsible for your portion of the problems in the marriage, but he is responsible for the rest, and he is 100% responsible for the affair.

Read up on the concepts of this website. You should start doing Plan A to break up the affair. An important part of Plan A is EXPOSURE. Do not tell him that you are going to expose. Just DO it! Find out as much about this girl and expose to her family, too, starting with her husband, if she has one.

Do your exposure in one fell swoop. Gather all your information together, email and snail-mail addresses, etc. The exposure letter should be simple. "My husband is having an affair with Jane Doe. I love my husband and am working to save our marriage and family, which includes a new-born daughter. I am asking you to support our marriage during this time."

If he works with this girl, expose to his work, as well. One of them is going to have to leave the job, anyway.

Your WH will be furious over the exposure, but that's OK. He will get over being mad. Just tell him that you're sorry he's upset, but you're going to do what's best for your marriage. If he really gets in your face about it, calmly say, "Well, Honey, you say you're in love with her. Most people who are REALLY in love want to shout it from the rooftops!" Then walk away.

i understand that he needs to be responsible for his actions and i am holding him accountable for that. My problem with the plans are that he said if i contact her he will not even try to stay and work it out. He has told me that there was no physical contact but i just can't believe that.

This girl is 25 yr old with a four year old. As far as i know she doesn't have anyone else besides my husband but she is giving him a guilt trip by telling him "well i know i am going to be the one who gets screwed in the end." And they only thing i can think is well that's what happens when you mess with a married man that you knew his wife was having a baby.

I told him when he told me that i forgive him. And i truely mean it but i just want him to be honest with me and tell the truth.

He doesn't exactly work with this girl he is a 911 dispatcher and she works for the company his dispatches for.... at least that is what he tells me. See again i know what to believe.

I just want the pain to go away

I can't begin to say how much I can feel your pain. I'm living through something similar, although I have not been able to confirm A from WS, but he moved out a few weeks ago, said he needed to be "alone", to figure things out, that he cared about me but doesn't love me anymore. I didn't know our relationship was to that point either... I also told him that I still loved him, and that I didn't feel the way he felt.

He refuses to go to MC. Says he needs to work on this on his own. We have gone to a MC... but it didn't workout at all.

I have been following plan A, even though I have not confirmed an affair yet (so there was nothing to expose) but I have been avoiding all love busters and meeting the ENs that he lets me (mostly admiration... that's a pretty easy EN to fill frankly, at least for my spouse).

You are in the right place. Read about the basic concepts, read about the dynamics of affairs... read read read... There are great people here with great advice that have been through where you are.

IGNORE WHAT HE SAYS...Don't believe a word of it...He is simply trying to prevent you from taking away his drug which is the OW...If he was a crack addict he would say the EXACT same thing to you about his crack pipe that is, until he was no longer addicted to crack...Same principle with affairs...

I understand that exposure feels counter-intuitive, but it is the BEST shot you've got at busting up the affair...As long as the affair continues your marriage is DOOMED...Your marriage can survive your husband's anger, but it cannot and will not survive an ongoing affair...

Find out EXACTLY who this OW is and EXPOSE immediately to begin killing this affair...

Mrs. W

You're right not to believe this.


How long has this been going on? Are you getting your intel from your WH? He's the LAST person you should believe right now.

Start digging and get ready to expose. Stick with us, we'll help you through this... one way or the other.

Oh, and congratulations on your beautiful daughter!

Find out her name and marital status ASAP. Then you should expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure will kill it or hasten its death. It should be exposed at work, his parents, her parents, your parents, close friends, siblings and your pastor, if any. That is the first step.


The second will be to get him to leave that job so that all contact is ended.


He wants to manipulate you into not interfering with his affair. It is likely that he told this OW that he is seperated. You contacting him would kill his affair immediately. My H's affair ended the DAY I CALLED the OW for this very reason. She dumped him when she found out he was lying to her about being seperated.

Well so far some of our friend and both sets of parents know.... mine would like to KILL him cause there are a lot of factors to all of this .... but i am the main "breadwinner" in our house. And we have had some recent money issues and my parents have helped us out financially a few times and this is hard for them to try and understand.

THey loved him like a son. Our mutal friends want to kill him.

I just feel like i am dying inside.

He said he needs time to see how he feels before he ends it with her.

"He said he needs time to see how he feels before he ends it with her."

No, he needs time to eat cake. He would prefer to continue having BOTH of you. Keep exposing. Expose them at work. Write a letter and tell them what is going on and that you would like to know what they will do about it.

By the way, congrats on your little girl. So glad THAT worked out.

i keep trying to find things on this women but he has changed all the passwords i used to have access to.

Tonight was the first time he decided to sleep in our spare room. He finally told me that he did sleep with her. I am so hurt inside and i feel dirty all over.

He got mad when i said it was ok for the last 6 months for you to see her and talk to her and still come home to my bed at night.

He said he has to do this for himself this time that he needs to try and take care of himself.

I am just so confused and sick over this whole thing. I keep hoping that i will wake up from the nightmare.

Hi Bella,

I'm sorry that you are here, but you're getting some great advice.


I know how you feel, but this line of thinking is NOT going to make things better. You need to snoop and try and find out more about this OW so you can expose to her H or BF... expose at their work... Also, do NOT believe a thing that your H tells you right now... he's been lying to you and will continue to lie to you as long as you continue to believe him.

I know it hurts, but he's already admited to cheating... so you can't trust him. There will be time to start to rebuild trust, but for now, when his lips are moving, just assume that he's lying and watch his ACTIONS... if they are trustworthy, then good, if not, then you will know that he's still lying to you.

Semper Fi,

RIF