How does the fact that my relationship has ALWAYS been difficult and that we have been married a little over 1 year (1.3 years) affects the situation?

Now I see that, when I left Brazil and arrived here, I was very hurt since my GF at the time cheated on me with one of my best friends - EA or PA, I don't know. I wasn't really open, I was very lonely and sad, and that's how I met my future BS.

I met her 1 month after I got here. We had out first date 3 months later. Now I see that I was trying to "keep control", didn't want to fall madly in love, wanted to "stay on top". Weeks after we started dating, we had our 1st big fight. My BS says that I was never truly with her, all those years, that all I cared was myself. She blames the fights on this. I used to blame her quick temper, the fact she would leave my apartment or kick me out of hers - which made me not ever really trust her.

We had those issues before being married. It got worse once we moved in together, 2 months before the wedding, since I've never lived with anyone else. I didn't know how to behave as an adult in a fully commited relationship. On her side of things, she didn't know what to make of this infutiating "spoiled brat", selfish, self-centered.

In my therapy today, my Counselor said that that first marriage had to die. Usually this death is much less dramatic, almost muted, but my A worked as the final nail in the coffin. Now my BS knows my darkest side: an immature kid that lies (not anymore, but I did lie a lot), a closed up individual that only things about himself. And I know both her darkest and brightest sides: her anger, her temper and also her dedication, her care for me, her unnending love, her inner and outer beauty.

We are re-starting this on even ground. Knowing everything we have to win and everything we have to lose. With fear in our hearts. With real tears - I used to never cry around her. I feel like this is dating while living together, every inch of intimacy having to be re-conquered, a renewal of rules and "what matters", a more mature vision of things.

I even admit that maybe she won't be up for it and I'll have to give up and move on. But right now, I don't want to consider this a possibility... It's a worst case scenario. Right now I want to rebuild, help her feel safe again, give ALL of myself to her, trust her, make her smile and stick around for the bouts of pain and anger.

How come we only grow through excruciating pain? I grow in spurts, through crisis, hurting people and myself... There's a side of me that doesn't want that anymore. There has to be a better way...

Hang in there Luis...sounds like you are getting somewhere.

Recovery is hard. A rollercoaster ride...one day good....one day bad....

Keep climbing the steps.

I applaud your efforts to grow and redeem yourself.

One thing sticks out to me is where you say "We are re-starting this on even ground."

No, you aren't. You hurt your wife, you made mistakes, you lied to and betrayed her. Things are not even, not by a long shot.

it is interesting to hear things from your point of view. Helps to make light of different things. I just wish i had know about some of this stuff sooner

The most surprising thing is how the "affair period" clouded my judgement. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I new about the pain I would (or not) cause... Of course, all my assumptions were wrong.

I also had a deep disregard for my wife's feelings. First, I didn't trust her - I was secretive. Second, I didn't put her first: I put MYSELF first. I kept on going, one blur after the other, trying to numb the pain, buldozing my own life.

It's amazing how the rush of the affair, like a drug, gives power to our lower instincts and erodes our core values. Now I understand I was never "husband material" but that became even more OBVIOUS with the betrayal I commited.

Right now, my marriage is in a state of suspension. My BS talks to me, smiles, goes about her day but can't feel or show any affection. She doesn't let me get close either. We have "good moments", when it all seems like a nightmare, and bad moments, when she uncovers something new, something that tears her appart.

I'm coping with the loss of intimacy. I have always been overdependent on it, so it's that much harder. I'm being forced to find other ways to show my love and also learn not to expect any back. It's the toughest lesson I have ever learnt.

Bs's and FWS or WS: how much time it took for touch to come back to the relationship? Is it a given, something that has to happen no matter what?

"We have "good moments", when it all seems like a nightmare, and bad moments, when she uncovers something new, something that tears her appart."

She should not have to be "uncovering" anything new. You should answer all of her questions so that there is NOTHING else to find out.

I'm answering everything. 100% truth always. But I ask myself the following: should I be open to her questions and answer them correctly always - which means SHE decides what she wants to know - or should I just keep adding everything that I remember? I favor the 1st alternative because I believe she should be the one that decides how much she knows. I'm an open book and I'll remain one, but I question the value of belching everything, everytime.

What do you guys think?

Hi Luis,

One of the most painful things for me early on in our rebuilding was the fact that I had to ask Mrs. RIF the "Perfect Question" to get an answer... please don't do this to your W.

If she asks a question, you tell her the truth. If you know that something is really going to hurt her deeply, you let her know that what you're about to tell her will hurt her deeply and ask her if she still wants to hear your answer... if she says yes, then you tell her the truth.

The BS is in the drivers seat now and it's your responsiblity to be 100% honest with any and all questions that she has, no matter how much it hurts her or how much you THINK it will hurt her. I can assure you that everything you have to tell her will hurt her... but its no longer you that gets to decide what you tell her or what you don't tell her.

If you try and "protect" her feelings, you will just prolong her pain, and if you do this long enough, you just might end any chance at all for rebuilding your M.

Hopefully you guys can work through all of this. I would strongly recommend finding a good pro-M MC and see if your W will go with you. A pro-M MC will help equip you and your W with the communications tools that you will both need as you work through this and rebuild your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF