Not a lot to share, yet. Hopefully, it will stay that way.

Background: Married to my lovely wife for 20 years, I'm 46, she's 44. DS is 16, DD is 13. W is a nurse, worked nights her whole career. Never thought a thing about it.

One evening as I was getting ready for bed, I called the hospital to say goodnight to my wife, but the girl on duty said my wife was not working that night. Somewhat stunned, I waited a while, called again, and another girl at the desk said that W wasn't working. (It was now 11:00 pm.)

Uh-oh.

Called her cell. Didn't answer. Never did answer, but drove home at 3 a.m. She claimed she was 'at a friend's house, drinking'. She rarely drinks, and the friend she claimed to be with is a much younger, divorced, abandoned her kid to leave with OM, kinda person. Was she there? Who knows. Her cell records showed she called this girl immediately before she arrived home at 3 a.m. Why? To tell her to cover for her in case I called to check her story? I don't know.

Huge fight, as you might imagine.

Same sort of thing happened a couple of months later, this time after the girls at work took her out for a birthday party. (They did take her out, she came home with gifts/cards from them.) She said she would be home by midnight, yet didn't show up until 3 a.m., and didn't answer my calls. (I started calling at 1 a.m.)

In between those events, she had changed jobs, and had accepted a management position and was now working days.

My suspicion is, she has at least had an EA with a coworker at her old job, as a little snooping in her cell phone records showed a number of calls from him, some lasting an hour each. Unfortunately, previous discussions about the calls has pushed any conversations between them underground, likely to her office phone and email.

Her cell phone records are clean now, but recent calls and voice mails are deleted from her phone every time I get a chance to check it. She's too damn smart for her own good.

FWIW, I'm Plan A'ing like crazy. Losing weight, dressing like a GQ cover, and snooping my butt off. I work out of my home, and I've now assumed all cleaning, laundry, shuttling the kids duties...she does the grocery shopping and holds the couch down in the evenings. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There are more lies and deceit going on, but those above are the worst of the stuff I'm aware of. For example, tonight she's meeting 3 others (2M, 1F) after work for dinner (high school acquaintances she's recently hooked up with), but she's telling me she's working late. (I discovered the dinner plans thanks to an email snoop.) Not sure what, if anything, is going on with one of these other guys she's hooking up with tonight, but I've been suspicious of one of them in the past. At any rate, it's a lie she didn't have to tell me. She could have just told me she was going to dinner with those characters.

I suspect anytime now I'll be getting the call canceling the plans for her I had made, and she'll be telling me she's going to have to work late. I'll shag out of here and run by the hospital to check for her car, then go by the restarurant to confirm my suspicions (and the email I saw).

I suspect a digital voice recorder and portable GPS are in my near term plans. After dealing with this suspicion for the last six months, it's time I learn the truth, one way or the other.

Thanks for getting through this rambling rant.

Sorry to see you here,

Have you read the spying 101 thread. You can find it under search. If you've been readin here the keep up, plan A and find out the information you need.

Blessings

Fled

Sorry you are here Fish.

There are some pretty glaring red flags there as I guess you know by now.

Keep snooping. It sounds like you have that going pretty well. GPS and voice activated recorders work great.

Does she use a computer at home? If so you need a keylogger.

Has she made other changes? Frequent hair styling, new clothes, diet, nails, toes?

Are you on a coverage plan where you can you track her cell phone on-line with the provider?

Welcome to MB.

Thanks for the replies.

Yeah, I've read the Spying 101 thread. Thank goodness for this place.

I can track her cell phone activity easily, though I'm afraid that due to my previous discussions with her, I've driven any good info there underground.

She also virtually now ignores her new Mac laptop. Little/nothing to be learned there. Email activity now virtually all goes through her work, though she sends some with her phone.

Oh, forgot to add...yep, diet, new clothes, underwear, and a new gym membership.

On, forgot to mention, the subject of another lovely discussion...

A couple of weeks ago, I found an old Wal Mart receipt in the car. It was dated about a week before her 1st 3 a.m. trip. From the receipt, it appeared she purchased KY, FDS, condoms and Vaseline. When confronted, they were reportedly for a girlfriend's "divorce party". A fine how do you do, huh?

Fish,

Sorry you are here. Sure sounds like you have an A on your hands. As you probably know, get Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. Plan A your butt off for as long as you can.

GoogleEarth now has a nifty little GPS tracker, so you might want to get one ASAP.

Follow the advice of the pros here and you will be in good hands. I realized maybe too late that they all (waywards)follow a script, so be prepared and for that and follow any instructions you get from our vets here.

It will get worse before it gets better....

Fish
I'm sorry you have to be here. It's pretty apparent that she is having an affair.

Get the evidence you need. Find out who the OM is.If he's M, his wife must be told. Expose to OMW and other people who have an influence with her. She will be extremely angry after you expose. You can survive that anger, but your M cannot survive her continuing in an A.

Purchase Surviving An Affair. It can be bought through this site. Learn the dynamics of A's. They are all the same.

Read, Read, read here. Learn.

This will be a long difficult journey, but your M can survive.

Learn about Plan A. This will help:


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


It's a little slow here on the weekends. Keep posting.

Fish, sorry you have to be here, but glad you are getting help.

Once you have "snooping" evidence in your hands, do not reveal your sources. You will need those tools later on to verify future behavior.

In the meantime, you can "imply" that you know because you found out from others.

-LE

Fish, welcome to te club...there are many veterans here with lots of sound advice. The one thing I can offer is this...when I discovered my H's EA, possible PA, I was home with a 3-yr old and a newborn. I became very depressed being inside all day...no contact with the outside world, no adult interaction. Finally, after much anguish I made the decision to return to work part time. It was the best move I ever made. I missed my babies, but I had to establish a little bit of my own identity, and interact with other adults. My H would have been perfectly happy keeping me under his roof with no access to the outside world. It sounds like you're on the right track...but maybe working from home isn't the best thing. Make sure you're out networking. Hang in there! sah

I like the GPS idea. It gives solid proof quickly, and you can just leave it in her car and watch for awhile. See where she says she's going and where she actually goes.

In the meantime, start asking her out with you. It is good for the marriage, and nullifies the excuse that YOU never wanted to do anything, so she is out with "friends".

Hi Fish,

Sure sounds like she's involved in an A.... keep snooping and see what you can come up with.

Did you by chance follow her to her dinner date with her HS buddies??? It might have been good to see just how they were 'interacting' with each other...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey Fish

Welcome to the best club on earth that nobody wants to be a member of.

Snoop unapologetically, as you have been advised. Pore over her cellphone records & credit card bills.

You are getting great advice. Keep reading here, implement asap.

Question...IF she is going out with friends, co-workers or whomever, WHY don't you go along too. Geezzz honey I'd like to spend time with you too type of thing, I would like to get out of the house and enjoy being with you relaxed, etc.?

Hang in there, it's NOT easy as someone said on here, recovery isn't for the faint hearted. Unfortunately so true.

What happened once you checked up on her?

For pete's sake it sounds like a double date! I am sorry you are going through this. How are you doing?

Sad to say & admit but, you could have been describing the old me. Lies, lies, lies. I hope you out her soon so you can hopefully rebuild your marriage.
I was out til 3 AM w/ no regards to hubby, bought membership to gym, new undies, cell phone usage etc...
This site & forum is sooo helpful! People from both sides with so much knowlege & advice that's priceless!

Sorry for my delay in replying. This stuff is just brutal. I think the not knowing for sure is the worst.

I've been snooping email, cell records, everything I can do to find something...no concrete results. Her cell records show calls from her former hospital (where the suspected OM works), but all that shows up is the generic hospital number. No better data available. In her defense, she does have lots of friends still working there, including the possible OM. No way to know if the calls are from him, or not.

Last Friday, she calls me from the hospital and says the 'girls' want to go out, and asks if that would be 'OK'. I had a nice Plan A evening planned, but had not mentioned it to her yet...so I said go, if she wanted to. She even told me the name of the restaurant.

She (allegedly) called me from the restroom of the restaurant, indicating that she would finish her beer and would be home soon. (She had been out for 4-hours at this point.)

An hour later, I called her...she didn't answer her cell. After yet another 1/2-hour, I left to go to the restaurant (to see if her car was still there). It wasn't. Restaurant closed.

I called again. No answer.

At 1:20 a.m. (she left at 7 p.m.), she finally answered her cell and said she was on the way home...she had to take some of the girls home (the ones that had gotten tipsy).

1:20 a.m. The restaurant where they allegedly ate closed at 12:00.

Could she have been taking girls home? Sure. It's this stuff that's driving me nuts. She's no dummy.

Today, she calls and says, "Sorry, I forgot. I have a meeting tomorrow night (Friday night) at [local hotel]. I'll be home late."

Board meetings on Friday night? The voice recorder goes in her car tonight. I also plan to call the hotel, posing as an audio/video technician asking what meeting room the "Board" meeting will be in. If there's no board meeting scheduled, not sure what to do. Drink heavily? *sigh*

I remember when life was simple. Man, that seems like a long time ago.

Thanks for all of those offering support and advice. Once you lose your confidant of 20-years, you can feel mighty alone in dealing with stuff like this.

Took me nearly three years, but finally figured out at least part of it. Found records of hundreds (per month) of text messages between her and OM, hospital chef.

A couple of Fridays ago, I received a call from WW indicating she was yet 'working late', and wouldn't be able to attend the dinner/recreation plans we had made for the evening. Imagine my surprise when I headed out to a local restaurant (not one we normally attend), and I discover her car in the lot. Working, eh?

I parked across the street and waited. About an hour later, I got a text message indicating she was just leaving the hospital and was going to take one of the nurses home, and she'd be at the house in about 20 minutes. I responded "OK", and sat there and waited.

Soon, she and the cook walked out of the restaurant and got in her car. I followed as long as possible, then traffic separated us. She never knew I was behind her. (Detective, I am not.)

I tried to call her. No answer. Guess she was busy.

I went home, and pretended to be oblivious to the whole thing. When she got home, she indicated she had an errand to run, and wondered if I wanted to go with her. I accepted, and along the way I asked her about the circumstances of what kept her at the hospital, and I was amazed at the ease she displayed in fabricating a completely bs story. It was art.

I asked her who the nurse was that she took home. She provided a name, and even said that the woman's husband was very appreciative when WW brought his wife home after the car trouble. However, you can't imagine the look on WW's face when I asked her if this woman was cleverly dressed as a rather large, African American man. At that point she gave it up and admitted to the evening's activities (dinner and conversation) and that she had 'made a mistake'. She just wanted 'someone to talk to'.

Just a miserable evening. Drove around for two hours, and I finally couldn't deal with it and packed up and went to a motel for the night. I called the fine, upstanding OM and had a short, "Stay away from my wife" discussion. There was no, "Mr. X, you misunderstand" in his voice. This guy just wanted to "meet me" (and duke it out, I guess). Jesus.

Fast forward a couple of weeks to today. A NC text was sent by my wife after my preapproval of the content. Phone records indicate no further contact (via cell phones) is ongoing, but of course office and face to face contact is possible, and quite probable at the same hospital.

Here's my dilemma, and what I could use your advice on.

With literally years of knowing something was wrong, and Plan A'ing (better at some times than others, but somewhat respectably), her account in my Love Bank is seriously, seriously depleted. The deposits she had made over the course of our marriage were used up by the trust issues, lies and gauntlet she put me through while fooling around with this guy for the last couple of years. With a quick discovery, it's quite possible that those deposits could have gotten us through a reconciliation as we rebuilt trust. Now, I simply don't know if I have the stomach for it.

MB would prescribe exposure, more Plan A, etc. I know, as I've been here lurking for a long, long time. I'm seriously debating just cutting my losses and no-fault Plan D'ing my way out of here. I'm faced with a woman that refuses to quit her job (since 'nothing happened'), and the only thing I have evidence of is of a dinner at a cheap Mexican restaurant and a bunch of phone/text messages. Even a good PI isn't going to be able to get into the hospital and see what employee sleep room she and OM might duck into. Pointless.

For you vets, how do you know when enough is enough? I've been a fighter my whole life, but this one's got me down. My business is suffering with all the mental cycles I'm devoting to this, and I need to pull out soon. Fortunately, my Plan A work has left me 60-lbs lighter, tanned and working on a decent six-pack. I'm almost all the way through HNHN, and am going to schedule some IC in the hope of getting perspective...as I've completely lost it, I think.

Any thoughts or steps in making the decision one way or the other would be appreciated.

Fish,

It took 3 years to figure this out? You must have driven yourself crazy.

My wife's remorse, her partial understanding, and the good history outweighing the bad helped me make my decision.

It seems pretty obvious that your wife has been screwing other men for at almost 3 years. She has put your health at great risk for STD's. You must get tested and certainly not be intimate with her until she has been tested. Your wife has no problem lying to your face constantly and playing you for a complete fool. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you wish to remain with a spouse who could be treating you this way for almost 3 years? My guess is that she felt even if you eventually found out there would no consequences to her actions. If the roles had been reversed do you think she would have been so accepting as you? How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? Nobody respects a doormat which unfortunately is what you have become. Enough is enough!