My H and I met when we were 18. We were both virgins. We married when we were 21 and have been married 31 years now with 3 grown kids. I have never been unfaithful or with another man sexually in my life.

I just found out that I have genital herpes - I am devastated! He's taking it very calmly - Just said: oh, well I love you anyway. SOOO calm. I know if the table was turned I would be angry with him. Why is hebeing so calm about it when he flips out if he finds some crumbs on the kitchen counter.

During the 1st 27 yrs. of our marriage he spent over half the year ( in intervals) traveling the world on business. I always felt there might be infidelity in my gut. Even when he was home he didn't want to do things with us and there were huge missing time blocks and lots of lies, raging, blaming, etc.

He's been in counseling for these issues for 20 months.

Anyway, now I'm faced with the herpes. He said: I don't know how you got it, I don't care, I trust you completely and it doesn't matter. IT DOES MATTER - He probably gave it to me!

I'm just so angry, confused, feel dirty .....

Sounds to me like he has been living a secret 2nd life for some years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just as you said - of course it doesn;t matte rto him. He KNOWS he gave it to you.

You say that he is in counseling right now - how about you? If you have tolerated so many years of raging,missing time blocks, and lies, you probably need counseling as well.

You will clearly need to confront him about this, telling him flat out that there is no doubt you got it from him. But perhaps you need to have a counselor lined up to help you?

Have you investigated him to see what he is doing behind your back?

Gosh, I don't know how to investigate him but I do have several key things that have happened that have made me suspicious over the years
ex: he is anal and everyone in his cell phone has first-last name - even me. Except a few years ago just a woman's first name- he worked with her and he gave lots of excuses for having just her first name (and cell# and home# in his phone) When she got transferred back to CA he also had those #'s in there. Always excuses and justification. They are not in there now.... I think... his phone is password protected.

He was visiting the casual sex sites on the computer because I found it on his favorites. First he said (for 2 yrs) that it was an accident (a computer worm put in there) and then he finally admitted to going to those sites but "swears to God" he never met anyone or cheated on me. He's also been into porno. a lot and knows if he does it again he's out.

Another time I suprised him and got tickets to go to San Francisco for a long weekend and he refused to go (he's been there several times but I haven't). He got angry, yelled and screamed and said he'd have nothing to do with San Fran. I lost the money on the tickets.

I could go on and on with these "kinds" of things. I have no concrete proof ( except Herpes) but to me if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - its a duck.

Melody Lane: It's funny you say something about a secret second life. I've thought that for a long time. So many secrets all the time. He says he had a passion for material things and that was his secret - shopping.

I do have a counselor but I am very confused. I hate to end the marriage if he's been faithful but I have to get off the naive "pot" and admit to myself that he's probably been unfaithful for many, many years. How do you go about finding proof?

I don't think he's cheated since counseling started 20 mo. ago but I may be wrong.

puddin, there are several ways to investigate, hire a PI, place a keylogger on his computer, install a GPS, etc. Traveling jobs usually have a high rate of adultery so that is probably the source of the problem. There is not much you can do about previous adulteries, though, if he refuses to be honest with you.

p.s. you could ask him to take a lie detector test. We have had folks who spilled their guts before the test was ever taken!

Has he done business in Asia????

Yes, Mr. Wondering - a LOT of business in Asia. Taiwan, Thailand, Malasia, India, Amsterdam, Ireland, France.....

I remember on more than one time he had expenses that the company would not reimburse him for and they were attached to his hotel bill. Things like $200 taxi fees, $200 dry cleaning fees. He always justified them by saying things like "I paid for the client's taxi back to the airport" or "I took a taxi to see some sights"

ALso, some of his porno CD's that I found and he threw away were Asian women.

Why do you ask about Asia.??

The average incubation period of herpes is 2 to 12 days, so I would not be so sure that he has been faithful for the last 20 months. Figure out a way to do some checking. Put a keylogger on the computer or a GPS in his car.

There is a chance that he has had it for years, and you just contracted it from him. Did he ever refrain from SF for a couple of weeks?

Men show symptoms, so it was very selfish of him to continue exposing you without taking any kind of precautions. No wonder he is taking it so calmly.

Well, actually herpes can be asymptomatic for years but that does not account for both being virgins when they married. It is genital herpes you have?

puddin, we have a couple other BW's here who where betrayed by their H's while in Asia. That I believe is why Mr.W asked. It is sadly not uncommon for men that travel to those countries from what I have heard.

I ask only from what I've seen and read on these boards.

It seems the "Disco Brothels" are an intregal part of the Asian business customs.

It is quite likely from what you described (the unreimbursed "taxi" fares and dry cleaning bills) that he availed himself of the amenities there.

It is also my estimation that infidelity breeds MORE infidelity. If he'll do it with prostitutes in Asia he'll freely carry the entitlement with him back to the states and do whatever he pleases here with whomever he wants.

Breaking such serial cheater and bringing him back to earth is a tremendous undertaking. Having lived such an independent lifestyle for an extended period of time means he's not likely to willingly quit such job, stay home, and undertake/apply basic marriage builder principles like POJA.

I have significant sympathy for your position and suggest you contemplate each move you make very carefully. I suggest you call the Harley's radio show for advice and/or phone them directly for consultation PRIOR to making a move.

Check out the spying 101 thread and get your evidence/proof you need to make a strong move.

Mr. Wondering

Puddin,

Sadly, I'm also in the same sitch as you (minus the herpes, which I'm sorry for you). I've been M 34+ years and WH had an A while travelling. I've found that he did lead a 2nd life - lived with the OW for almost a year.

I found out when she called our house during one of his infrequent trips home last year. Said he wanted to work on the M, but he refuses to quit (the job or her). I've been working with Jennifer, and realized that my boundary is for him to quit. He will not, so we sold the house and I am now in Plan B moving on alone.

You will have to snoop like the rest of us have done. Not sure how you would find out about international travel though. Does he have a company phone? Can you look at the bill? Also googleearth has a new little GPS tracker that you can get rather cheaply. Can you look at his company credit card bill? I opened my WH's bills and found out a lot by looking at the trail. I also did a credit report and found out that he had two "secret" cards run up by thousands....

I forgot to mention that he desn't work for that co. anymore (laid off)so no int'l travel now. But a lot of his suspicious behavior happened in town and one of my fears is that he's bi-sexual:
1. Whenever he was acting suspicious he had severe hemmeroids. Hemmeroids stopped completely when he went into counseling 20 mo. ago.
2. His younger brother has been transgendering the last 2 yrs. and this doesn't seem to bother H at all. he is very supportive and sympathetic.
3. I talked to h's bro/sis last week for the 1st time since the change and this upset H. Bro/sis wanted to know if H has been totally upfront with me - he said he/she told H that he needs to be up-front. I asked sibling what he meant and he said "nevermind - its not my place"
4. H is always "shopping" for something that is very difficult to find. Ex: He spent 4 weekends(both days) looking for an older manual camera to use with the telescope he hardly ever uses. This was SO IMPORTANT to him. Well, he finally found one - put it on the top shelf in the closet and never used it.
5. He dead-bolts the door going from the garage into the house so that we have to use a key to get in. Says he's nervous being alone but never suggested I deadbolt it when I am home alone. This is even in the middle of the day. Obviously he wants some "notice" that someone is coming home.
6. He calls me (within 10-12 min.) whenever I leave the house and always has some excuse to ask me where (what street) I am. Then he asks me to please call him when I am on my way home in case he wants me to pick something up for him. Very suspicious behavior.

Very confused.

Next time he does that and when you're only 10 minutes away from home, say you need to pick up something at some store and will be home in 2 hours or so and then head straight hom to see what's going on. If nothing is going on, say you changed your mind and decided to pick up that something next time you go to that store.

Hi, puddin.

Please stop having sex with him immediately. Go and have yourself STD tested, full panel, including HIV.

This is very important. Do not have sex with him again until you get the results. I personally think you should stop sex altogether until you can accurately ascertain what all he is involved in.

All the best,
Gimble

I'd be doubling back to the house about 15 minutes after he calls to see where I am...withOUT calling him to let him know I'm on the way home. I'd park the car down the street and walk to the house and get in as quietly as possible.

I'd also set up some digital voice-activated recorders around the house and maybe even set up a video camera in a hidden location.

Also, put a keylogger on your computer.