What is the best way to find OM family? I know his wife's address, but is revealing to his parents a good idea? He is 37, but his parents might be an influence in his life. Not to mention it sounds like he might come from a family, that was raised in the church?

I did the intellius route, but I don't know where this guy is originally from or where his parents live, is this a lost cause?

Ryan.

Exposure to parents can be a very effective exposure because it can ruin the future of the affair when the affairee's parents will not welcome the OP into the family. Sometimes parents will put pressure on their child to end the affair. But even if they don't, it is still effective because it causes embarrassment and isolates the affairees. Many parents, though, dont' give a RATS [censored] about their kids and blow it off with "I just want him to be happy." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> We should be grateful their child is not a serial killer, I suppose.

A PI will usually dig this stuff up fairly easily, I think. One PI that some of our members have used, who is very good and quite reasonable, is this guy here: http://www.frankmusicinvestigations.net/ Call the # and ask specifically for Frank Music.

Thanks, I have sent Frank Music an email. Any other ideas?

Ryan.

Dear Iwontquit:

Please read my message to you in your other, longer thread.

Contacting the OM hasn't worked.

Contacting his employer may or may not have an effect. As you know, you'll just have to wait for that to see.

But contacting the OM's parents is just plain....well, it's idiotic. Sorry, but I have no other word for it.

Well, there are a few other words. Stupid comes to mind. Pointless also seems to be an appropriate description for what you're describing.

What do you think the OM's parents will do? Spank him. Ground him? Send him to his room without dinner?

C'mon. Get real here.

This guy is, according to what you've previously described, a serial cheater, who betrayed his wife more than once, and as a result, his wife is now divorcing him and couldn't care less about the "revelation" that the OM is having an affair with your wife. His wife, the mother of his children, of this 37 year old adult male who works, according to you, as a Special Agent in the FBI, can't control him and what he does. And you think this guy's parents are going to influence him? To do what? To refrain from seeing your wife?

No way. Ain't gonna happen. Melodyland can refer you to all the PI's in the world, but it just isn't going to happen.

Please, please read my other message posted in your long thread.

I am not trying to be mean. I am not trying to be unsupportive. Far from it. You need a dose of reality. You need to stop playing with what is clearly a fantasy.

You can only do what you can do. You've reported the situation to his employer. They will take whatever action they will take. Beyond that, to all objective observers, you're going to look like a stalker, like a lunatic, like someone who is clearly obsessed, and I mean in a not so healthy way.

For your own good and the good of whatever chance there is to salvage your marriage, think of something productive to do. And contacting this scumbucket's parents isn't one of those things. It's worse than a waste of time and money. It's just plain silly.

rejectd, thanks so much for setting us all straight. I will let Dr. Harley know right away since he recommends this very thing. I will notify the board that the most effective weapon we have against adultery, exposure, is "idiotic." Especially since many of us have salvaged our marriages by exposing them. Maybe it is all just a dream, huh?

In fairness, I should tell you, since you don't know anything about exposure apparently, that we have actually had affairs END from the pressure placed by PARENTS. One case on the board now is YesMyDaughter, whose OM dumped her last week becasue of pressure placed by the OM's FATHER. Yes, the OM's parents were notified.

The affairees are back in contact this weekend, but the affair is in its death throes because of the pressure placed by PARENTS.

So, don't tell us that it is "silly" or "idiotic" to expose to the OP's parents, it most certainly is not. While it may not serve to immediately kill the affair, transparency hastens its death. Exposure to parents is one of the most potent exposures there are.

Melody:

I realize you've been around here forever. I realize you don't know me or anything about me, including what I know and what I don't know. But trust me on this, I know a bit about exposure.

I said my advice wasn't very PC (politically correct), but actually it is, particularly for MB. I didn't say he shouldn't expose the affair. I did not opine at all about exposure.

What I said though was merely an attempt to inject some sense of reality for Iwontquit to this situation. The idea of exposure needs to be put into context. Not every exposure is going to be productive.

In Iwontquit's case, the affair has already been exposed. It's been exposed to anyone who really matters, i.e., the OM's wife, his employer, the WW's family, friends, and anyone else Iwontquit has talked to.

I respectfully submit that wasting time and money trying to get in touch with this 37 year old serial cheater's mother or father is going to have zero effect on Iwontquit's situation. It's not going to make his life better. It's going to make him look like this is some sort of kindergarten playground dispute ("I'm going to tell your mommy on you because you took my wife, and she'll punish you").

Put this in context. I never said exposure wasn't often productive.

I said THIS exposure won't be.

That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.

Sorry, rejected, but I know a thing or two about exposure, too. And so does Dr. Harley. And yes, I realise this is just "your opinion" but he is here for DR HARLEY'S opinion. Dr. Harley is a credentialed psychologist who has years of experience at this. The sign on the door is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, after all, NOT "rejected111."

Rejected, for what it's worth...

I am a 49 year old. And while my parent's don't control what I do, their opinion of me MATTERS A LOT. I have the deepest love and respect for them and believe me, though I am a strong and independent woman in my own right, I would be deeply affected by their disappointment if I conducted myself in this type of behavior.

The only way you could make such a claim is if you have psychic powers, which I highly doubt. Unless your real name is Madame Cleo you have absolutely no way of knowing any such thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />