Cindy Gambino Story

After viewing this purile piece of trash where an affair that resulted in the destruction of a family and the deaths of their 3 children, I sent the following as feedback to 60 minutes. I'm betting it never gets aired in next weeks letters segment.

They have a baby now ******edit**********

Sadly, unless you are on the receiving end of an A will you ever know the tragedy that it brings. I also would bet that your letter will not be aired.

What a tragic story. It appears the story is concentrating on the death of the children at the hand of their father. Sensations journalism to say the least.

Of course it undermines the cause of this whole issue which is the WS mindset. The reporter tries to bury that issue by quoting the OM as saying he even helped the Bs.

To the untrained eye, many readers may even empathize with the OM (he's still an OM btw). After all the OM dived in the water. Now isn't that a bit crazy since the police and their rescue teams should have been doing this and basically OM would have been in the way.

Drama..... WS is in denial and such a WS would not come here seeking support. If she were dumb enough to, enough would see through her ploy for supporting the A.

IMHO, the WS is guilty for causing the death of her children and now many in the world know it as well.

How sad.

There is a difference between enabling or supporting an unrepentant WS vs an Xws seeking help. Do you all know how to tell the difference?

Thanks for sharing the story BK..... it brings the harsh reality of it all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

L.

This is a real tragedy, from the affair on down to the deaths. BUT the affair did not cause the deaths. The WS is not responsible for the children's deaths, the man who killed them is. If we blame the WS, then by the same token we must blame every spouse of a cheating, lying adulterer for the adultery saying the spouse DROVE the cheater to adultery.
That doesn't work. Everyone must own their own sins.
If a woman chooses to deal with her marital problems by sleeping with OM, that is totally her choice. If a man chooses to deal with betrayal by killing his own little babies, that is totally his choice.
Both are sick solutions without excuse.

In the local news here where I live every few months or so there is yet another story of a betrayed spouse committing murder, suicide, or spousal abuse. NEVER in the news coverage is the fact that the 'victim' is committing adultery portrayed as a negative thing let alone a contributing factor.

In fact even though no evidence of previous bizarre or violent behavior from the betrayed spouse is mentioned in those news reports, they apparently were otherwise civil folks who reacted to betrayal in an illegal and/or tragic manner, the media coverage never hints at the adultery being a contributing factor. The local women's shelter always exploits these cases to ask for more money and showcases them as examples of spousal abuse, again even if the betrayed spouse had zero prior history of abusiveness.

In case after case the adulterous wife, the media, and the women's shelter don't even bother to pretend that the cheating was 'caused' by the betrayed spouse having jealousy or control issues prior to the adultery. I listen carefully to these news reports to see if maybe the betrayed husband had a history of spousal abuse and the affair was maybe an 'exit affair' but have yet to hear of that in any of these local cases. There is also never any accusation that the husband was 'controlling' or had a 'jealousy problem' which 'drove' the WW to want to leave.

In fact the media and women's shelter use these tragedies to 'educate' women that if their betrayed spouse is in any way acting angry, jealous, snooping, withholding finances, IN REACTION TO their cheating, then their husband is being 'controlling', 'abusive' and 'dangerous'. There is no mention whatsoever of the fact that cheating on their husband is in itself a form of spousal abuse!

So in effect unless a betrayed husband basically hands his wife over to the OM and finances the adultery, he's already portrayed as a dangerously abusive monster that his wife supposedly needs 'protection' from!

Also, around here making fun of betrayed people for being 'jealous' is somewhat of a spectator sport. The most common reaction to somebody crying, being depressed, expressing anger or bitterness because of betrayal is the comment that they must not be 'handling it' well.

Even some mc's think the betrayed person should not express any hurt or anger during counseling sessions! Adultery is rampant and the adulterers openly 'support' each other and anyone who dares to even try something civil like mc is characterized as a controlling freak who can't just 'let go'...

And if you dare do a Plan B no contact thing with your adulterous spouse then most people will accuse you of manipulation.

It's very clear that the 'correct' way to react to adultery is to go out and find somebody new to scr&w yourself, and for everyone to just pretend it all has no negative effect on anyone, especially NOT the children... In fact most of the people I know around here try their best to all get together and 'socialize' frequently with their WS, the WS's OP, their own new rebound/revenge OP, and the kids who are constantly given the message that all this is 'OK'. Mommy and Daddy just each have a new 'friend'...

IMHO some of the betrayed husbands find being accused of being some sort of monster just because they want to save their marriage and then being made fun of because they are in so much emotional pain, is perhaps too much for them to handle in a sane way?

There really is a need for some sane public awareness campaigns to educate the public about adultery, it's real causes, it's effects, and the best way to respond to it.

IMHO the REAL way to prevent such tragedies is not to have the local women's shelter come on and portray the adulterous woman as soem sort of victim while making her betrayed husband out to be a monster, all the while pretending that the adultery that he was reacting to is some sort of holy cow that can't be criticized. Again, I'm not defending the violence and tragic reactions; but we are not going to see a decrease in this sort of tragedy until there is as much and even more public efforts to reach out to these betrayed males to effectively counter the widespread public myths about adultery.

setfree:

If two people choose to commit adultery and then the betrayed spouse commits a tragic act in reaction to that adultery, an act that never would have taken place normally minus the adultery which was being reacted to, then the adulterers do share responsibility.

I am in no way excusing anyone of any responsibility for their actions - but YOU are.

When you make a choice you have to own the possible and likely outcomes of that choice, including the reactions of others you have deliberately and callously harmed by your choice.

One of my daughter started cutting herself in reaction to her father's adulter. Do you believe that her father bears zero responsibility for that? Do you 'blame' my daughter alone for her choice in how to react to what she NEVER should have had to deal with in the first place?!? My oldest daughter stopped skating, then stopped going anywhere, then even stopped eating, bathing, and talking in reaction to her father's adultery. She ended up being hospitalized for a couple of months. Even now, in spite of multiple attempts at medication and counseling she is suffering with symptoms she never had before her father's adultery. Do you honestly believe that she is 100% responsible for her the harm inflicted on her by something her father and his adulteress CHOSE to do for their own selfish enjoyment? The adulterers KNEW what harm their choice could cause, they chose adultery anyway. Then the adulterers SAW evidence of the devastation their selfish choice did in fact bring about, they chose to continue anyway. But you believe that ALL the adultereres are responsible for is the cheating minus any of the reactions to the cheating?

That's almost like saying detonating a nuclaer warhead is responsible for the awesome big noise and mushroom cloud BUT not responsible for the fallout.

YES, everyone is responsible for their own actions BUT when somebody purposely chooses an action KNOWN to affect others in a predictable way, known to inflict great harm on others who were purposely left out of the decision-making, even when the victims of the initial choice fail to react in a legal non-violent manner the fact that they were REACTING to something that never should have happened in the first place should not be ignored or glossed over.

NOBODY has the right to inflict harm on another minus consequences. I'm not saying that the illegal, violent, tragic reaction was in any way justified. What I AM saying is that the immoral, disgusting, intentionally destructive and hurtful selfish acts of the adulterers should be acknowledged for what it is and what it set in motion.

In the Bible it says that adultery leads to death. I doubt seriously that any adult person on this planet, whether or not they have read the Bible, is so ignorant that they have NEVER ever heard of a 'crime of passion' in reaction to adultery. Adulterers KNOW that a violent tragic reaction to their adultery is a possiblity. But they don't care, do they? It's also a fact that adulterers FREQUENTLY engage in such purposely crazy-making tactics such as gaslighting, rubbing the betrayed spouse's nose in the betrayal, flaunting their shameful adultery, DEMANDING and expecting cake-eating from the betrayed, etc.

And it is very rare to find an adulterer who displays any genuine concern for the happiness, well-being, and safety of their innocent children. For every extremely rare case of a betrayed spouse snapping and doing something to harm the adulterous spouse and/or the children there are literally thousands upon thousands of adulterers who openly and casually inflict deep emotional harm upon their betrayed spouses AND children with no apparent sense of shame or restraint.

The media apparently doesn't feel those crimes of passion (lust), those victims, are newsworthy... It's all considered 'private' and 'OK' when it's the adulterers inflicting harm. It's not until that one in a million of the betrayed unfortunately, and yes wrongly, reacts in a tragic way that the clucking of 'shame-shame' usually starts.

In most cases the betrayed person who suddenly snaps and commits an atrocity in reaction to adultery was an otherwise sane and normally compassionate non-violent person. Usually the crime was committed in a moment of intense feeligns of desperation and hopelessness.

On the other hand adulterers shamelessly, deliberately plot their crimes of passion with no concern for what they are doing to their victims. Adulterers gives themselves permission to indulge in sociopathic behavior for an extended period of time sometimes lasting months or even years with their own sinful pleasure trumping concern over the harm to their victims, even the children. And adulters not only give themselves permission to selfishly inflict such harm, they REWARD each other for hurting their respective betrayed loved ones, and they DEMAND that their victims not put up any boundaries to try to protect themselves from more pain. THAT is the sickest sort of sociopathy IMHO.

The media is right to not endorse the rare violence committed by the betrayed. But the media is wrong to not also condemn the much more rampant actions that were being reacted to. Going temporarily insane is not OK... AND neither is deliberately choosing to engage in an immoral, DANGEROUS, HARMFUL activity just because it 'feels good', ESPECIALLY whn it is a WELL-KNOWN fact that sometimes horrible tragedies result from adultery!

MM, I do understand what you are saying. I do understand that adulterous behavior can help "set the stage" for this kind of tragedy. But see this can be dangerous thinking because it is the SAME kind of thinking that blames the BS for the WS'adultery. The same kind of idiot who would murder his own 3 children is the same kind of idiot who would say "Well I found another woman because my wife got fat" or "my wife doesn't understand me" or "my wife didn't fulfill my sexual needs". (In fact I wouldn't be at all surprised to find this father has had adultery of his own. Anyone with this poor of impulse control was prime candidate to have been in a fling of his own at some point.)
The truth is, it is a COP OUT.
There is NO justification or rationalization, not even one tiny bit.
Did ****edit********or any of the other BS on these boards go out and commit murder when you were betrayed? No, you chose to do something constructive.
Don't you see, if we try to put the blame on a WS for the BS actions, then by logic we also have to blame the BS for the WS actions. It is a vicious circle and neither is in keeping with MB principles.

there is no justification for killing your children...ever.

however this speaks to the damage that a WS does to a BS...I have personally put handcuffs on people that NEVER had any issues with the law...not one little bit...yet they killed their spouse (man or woman...I have locked up both).

Even the courts recognize the fragile mental state that a person is put in as a result of infidelity. I had no problem with a reduced sentence due to mitigating circumstances concerning infidelity.

But killing your own children?

And setfree...your logic is anything but logical. The BS acts based on a trauma...he still owns it, but the WS has a hand in it. Just like I would NEVER blame a BS if they came home and found their spouse in bed with another and they went out immediately and did the same thing. It is a response to the infidelity (not a good one mind you)....not a series of deceptions over a period of time.

Crimes or actions are considered more "understandable" when there are circumstances that lead a person to act "out of character." The examples you provided in your logic argument do not stand up to any reason.

I'm sorry if my logic didn't seem logical. The bottom line point I was trying to make, it is NEVER ok to commit adultery for any reason under any circumstance. It is NEVER ok to go on violent rages against children under any circumstance. It is a horrible , horrible thing that man did, taking the children's lives to get back at a terrible act of betrayal.
I understand firsthad the act of betrayal. It causes blinding pain. I understand wanting to lash out in evil ways. But see, I don't have to act on impulses. I am not a monkey or a dog. I don't have to be violent any more than I have to go out and rut like an animal in heat. When we stand before God we will be responsible for the acts we commit, regardless of circumstance. When God asks that man where the 3 children are he was entrusted with, his wife's adultery will not be a get out of jail free card. We own our actions and reactions. If I don't take 100% responsibility for my every act, I am acting no better than lying cheating spouses.

That is wrongheaded thinking. I certainly WOULD blame a spouse who committed adultery, simply because they had been the victim of it.

set free:

You still didn't answer my questions regarding the harm caused to my daughters by the adultery that their father and the OW deliberately chose to engage in despite it being a well-known, documented fact that adultery and divorce hamrs children. And then when it became obvious that their adultery did in fact trigger reactions from my daughters which were harmful, they shamefully continued their adultery DEMANDING that eveyone, including the children, pretend they were OK so as not to spoil their 'pleasure'.

My youngest daughter started cutting herself because she said she felt like her daddy was pretending she was dead. He would not answer his cell phone whenever he was with the OW and her little girl and had told his own daughters they had to just leave him a message during those times. BUT whenever he was having visitation with his daughters the OW demanded that he keep his cell phone on for her, check in with him by phone, and tell him exactly where he and his daughters were. My youngest daughter was only 10 when her daddy moved out to be with the OW and her little girl instead of us. She felt replaced. She started talking abou suicide and started cutting herself. I took her to a very good family counseling, I was advised she was too young and too potentionally suicidal/violent for an anti-depressant. She has struggled a lot and I have to give her a LOT of credit for dealing with this over the years.

But according to your views my daughter alone is 100% responsible for cutting herself and acting out in other violent and angry ways, even though she had NEVER before had any anger or self-esteem issues before her father's adultery. Do you honestly believe that the callous cruelty inflicted on her by the avoidable, intentional adultery does not in any way make the adulterers any percent responsible?

My oldest daughter quit skating, eating, talking, bathing and was put on medication and hospitalized. YES, I DO try to reach her with the message that she can make better choices about how to react to her father's betrayal, especially now, years later and she is now a young adult. But do you really believe that the selfish choices of her father and his adulteress don't make them even the tiniest percentage responsible for her HAVING something awful to try to deal with and react to in the first place?

Again IMHO the attitude that the victims of adulterers MUST behave as if the adulterers inflicted no harm whatsoever, so the adulterers' fun won't be spoiled by any sense of shame or guilt, or any naturally occurring consequences of their selfish choice, is in itself a horrible form of abuse.

THAT is what you are failing to acknowledge.

My daughters NEVER would have had the problems they've been dealing with if their father and his adulteress had not chosen to inflict harm on them in the first place.

BTW, claiming that the victims of abuse make too big a deal of the abuse, don't 'handle it' the way the abuser deems appropriate is one of the common tactics of abusers. Seriously, your denial of the adulterers' responsibility for CAUSING the hurt that on VERY RARE occasioins the victims of adultery don't manage to react to in a legal non-violent way, is THE issue here that you are refusing to acknowledge. The adulterers deliberatley set inmotion a chain of events that their victims are then forced to try to cope with. Shamelessly rampant 'support' for adultery and ignorant entrenched myths about adultery GREATLY act as deterrents preventing the victims of adultery from being aware of and havign access to the very help they need to cope with such betrayal in a safe and sane manner.

It is the pretense that adultery has no victims, that the victims should be able to handle it quickly and quietly so as not to make the adulterers look bad, that is the foul stench you are pretending doesn't exist. It's as if the adulterers are wearing some sort of gas mask so they can't smell it while their victims are choking and gasping for air. Then if/when one of those victims does something desparate and tragic in reaction to the extreme symptoms shoved on them, the symptoms the adulterers gleefully pretend don't exist as they continue to cavort, the adulterers point and laugh (if it's 'merely' deep depression that the victim is sinking into) or point and tut-tut (if the victim regretably resorts to soemthing immoral and illegal themselves).

YOU obviously have some need to ignore the FACT that the whole mess was set in motion by the adulterers' CHOICE.
The immoral destructive choice being reacted to started it all and therefore the adulterers are in fact GREATLY responsible.

If I came up to you on the street and punched you, then tried to pretend that your reaction ALONE was the problem, that you ALONE had to be held 100% responsible for however you chose to react, even if you felt scared, threatened, humiliated, angry, whatever IN REACTION TO, BECAUSE OF my assualt on you, I'm pretty sure you'd get the point then!

Or maybe I could just pretend that you must have been some sort of silently seething maniac that for no apparent reason suddenly starting saying and doing horrible things to me... A crowd of people and reporters could surround you and start gasping at what a monster you must be to be inflicting harm on me then...

Again, I am in no way condoning any violence, especially against innocent children.

To feel SO desparate and SO depressed and SO upset that an otherwise sane person would do something SO drastic as to harm an innocent child IS truly tragic. The ONLY difference between your POV and mine is that I don't have an agenda motivating me to pretend the persons who CAUSED such an immense level of desperation, depression, upset are in no way responsible for the fire they set the match to and then deliberately continued to throw gasoline onto.

Remember we're talking about people with no prior history of spousal or child abuse suddenly losing it (coincidentally?) right after they have been forced to try to deal with the devastating betrayal of adultery.

There is a distinction usually made, both legally and morally, between premeditated deliberate crimes and crimes suddenly committed in reaction to something else that is in itself horrid.

Unfortunately, tragically, RARELY, the victims of adultery in a moment of blind pain and rage cause even more tragedy by the way they react to what is being inflicted on them.

Purposely, shamefully, ROUTINELY, the perpetrators of adultery deliberately plot and persist in ONGOING premeditated disgusting acts of betrayals against those who should be able to trust them the most and THEN COMPOUND their victim's suffering by refusing to acknowldege it let alone take responsibility for it.

Adultery is an inside job, adulterers are traitors of the worst sort. Long before a betrayed spouse loses all hope and their grip on sanity the adulterers have been openly flaunting their total lack of concern for the safety and sanity of their victims INCLUDING the cildren. The unfortunate fact that on very rare occassions a betrayed spouse, because of very deep emotional pain, NOT because they're getting some sick fun from doing so like the adulterers are, will also stop caring about the safety of the children. That's when the hypocritres who have no genuine concern for the slain victims finally speak up against the abuse but non a nanosecond sooner...

"When God asks that man where the 3 children are he was entrusted with, his wife's adultery will not be a get out of jail free card. We own our actions and reactions."

Agreed AND likewise, when that adulterous mother and her OM face God they ALSO will be held accountable for the death of those innocent children, not 'just' their adultery as if it had no consequences to anyone else. Because if they had never committed adultery then those children WOULD in fact still be alive today.

We are ALL responsible for ALL our choices AND for the situations we choose to create and impose on others to try to react to as best they can.

The fact that the betrayed husband is responsible for what he did in no way lessons the responsibility the adulterers ALSO bear for the deaths of those children.

It would make me feel better about the whole thing if any of the parties would own up to their part in the whole tragedy.

Mom is starting to pop out more replacement children, and babbling away about living happily ever after with the OM.
And she has the nerve to talk about "honoring" her dead children.

OM is explaining that he was being a friend to the man while he was scr*wing his wife. And he even dove into the water to try to "save" his affair partner's children, albeit an hour after they drowned.

The husband STILL won't admit that he killed his own flesh and blood to get back at his wife.

Children depend on SOMEBODY to protect them. Everyday here, we see one of the parents rising to the occasion. It is unfortunate that these little ones had no one.

I agree believer. Disgusting. IMHO that woman should have to give up any future children for adoption. IMHO any male who would have sex with such a clearly callous woman, creating the opportunity for her to bring more innocent children into her life, can't convincingly claim he cares about the safety of those children.

All three of them should be held accountable for making choices that caused three innocent children to die. Of course only the one who actually committed the murder will be held legally accountable. After all the popular POV is that adultery has no victims... But the other two won't escape judgement from God.

THE very thing that might have prevented this tragedy is rarely presented by the media: the fact that adultery is evil and destructive, and unless the betrayed are very strong, find a lot of support, and have access to info that can help them cope and end the adultery in a safe/sane way tragedies like this one will continue to be on the rise.

IMHO we should be challenging the media to present FACTUAL info about the destructiveness of adultery and effective ways to deal with it every time they cover such tragedies.

I have NEVER once heard a media rep confronting an adulterer with questions like do they still think their adultery was worth it now that it caused a death. The media is very careful to falsely present the adulterers as totally innocent of any wrongdoing. The adulterers never have to listen to anyone saying how they bear any responsibiltiy for starting the chain of events that were ultimately not handled the right way.

THAT would be the most responsible and compassionate response to these tragedies.

Disgustingly irresponsible media reporting IMHO. If the media really cared about the chilren they wouldn't be so compassioante with their treatment and portrayal of the adulterers, as if the adulterers were victims themselves. The media is unexcusably missing an opportunity to prevent such future tragedies by choosing to condone adultery instead of condemn it, by perpetuating the myth that the adulterers bore no responsibility for making choices that put those children in danger.

meremortal, those are all awesome posts. I hope they can be moved to the "notable posts" thread.

I also agree that some kind of public health campaign is needed to make people aware of what really happens when somebody decides they're entititled to be both married *and* single at the same time.

I would love to see a law that allowed any BS to sue both the WS and the OP for real damages for Marital Misconduct, Marital Intrusion and Extreme Emotional Abuse.

Again, thank you for some great posts.
Mulan

Yes, absolutely I think your WS and the OW harmed your children horribly. Watching what EAs did to my own grandchildren was enough to make me want to do extreme violence. I was trying to make a point as to we as adults who own our own actions. While that may be true to an extent with little children, it is a different ballgame. Your precious little girls were not equipped to handle the damage done to them by selfish, adulterous grownups. Now, if your girls grew up and became child-abusers and claimed it was because of what their father did, I would say THEN they are responsible, as adults. Their father could then blame his own father for HIS actions, and it could become a never-ending cycle in which none of were ever responsible for anything except Adam and Eve who started the whole mess.

We don't know the whole Gambino story. For all we know Mr. Gambino might have had a dozen women on the side, over the years. Would that make the Mrs. blameless to have her own affair? No, no no! Of course not! And then if we ask Mr G why he had all those women, maybe he could say because his own father was adulterous and that's how he grew up. It could be a never ending thing, as long as we permit ANY adult to use another's sin as an excuse for their own.

I think we are probably all closer to being on the same page that it might appear on the surface. We all hurt for innocent victims who had no say-so on this whole ordeal. There were a dozen ways Mr G could have handled betrayal and anger. He chose the worst way, regardless if he had led the life of a saint or the life of a lunatic up to that point.

It hurts me to think that the last thought those kids had, was that their father must hate them. How very sad! If only he had followed the MB way, told them the truth about what their mother was like, then helped them build back a good life with him.

I do think it's sad, SICK actually, how the media glamorizes adultery. Which leads me to another question, which I think should be in a post of its own to avoid a thread-jack.

Awesome posts Meremortal.

Setfree: I don't see anyone here excusing the father for his actions in any way.

You know, it is a horrible thing that happened to these children. And the father is responsible, but the WS is responsible too. How can she be happy with the OM in the wake of this tragedy?

When my DDay occurred, my 11 year old daughter was on an intercession from school. I tried to be strong for her, but the first day she went back, she broke down in the middle of class. The school counselor called me to let me know that she is so upset at seeing me cry that she doesn't want to tell me how this has affected her, and I put her into counseling.

An A affects the entire family. I have thought, in passing, what it would be like of I could kill the OM. Doesn't mean I am going to do it. Am I a violent person? No. Never. But the consequences of an A, and the sheer pain and misery this betrayal causes can make an otherwise rational individual snap.

IMHO, that does not excuse the father from taking responsibility for the death of his children. However, I also believe that the WS should have to share her part of the responsibility as well.