So my husbands emotional need is sex...mine is not. I am having a bit of a block about it that is causing serious issues.

One the one hand I have done the whole "give it to him regardless of my mood" thing but because I hate it so much I end up resentful towards him. It isn't JUST 10 minutes of my time...it is a powerful emotional reaction that hurts the relationship.

I have no "excuse" for feeling this way. I have not been sexually assaulted and he is not a horrible husband. I really don't get it at all.

Have you discussed this with your doctor? There could be a medical/hormonal problem.

Has this been a problem all along?

Could you have other resentments towards your H that overlap and make you want to not be intimate with someone you're having problems with elsewhere?

Yeah not being intimate can cause a HUGE relationship problem.

I take it from YOU posting here you are exploring options, and not just looking for a way out of having sex?

How old are you and your H. How long have you been married? How is your R other than sexually? Any kids?

I am 25, I have 4 kids and been married 6 years. It is an off and on type thing. If my hormones are REALLY strong or if I am feeling SUPER emotional then I can do it.

Otherwise in "normal" everyday life mode it is a huge issue.

I think it might be a performance anxiety.

Like if he asks me to initiate (which I have done maybe 10x in my whole marriage) I usually FREAK out. I mean I get a lump in my throat and my reaction is similar to a panic attack. If he asks me to do something that makes me feel like I have to be "good" at it I freak out. If he wants me to try a new "move" or something I get really anxious. Sex wtih the lights out, under the covers, and that which lasts about 3 minutes is usually the only kind I can do...and thats on a good day.

I would say it may be related to a type of anxiety disorder because I don't have this problem if I am pretty drunk (the only time I am not anxious) and I can't take typical anti-anxiety pills because of bad side effects (and constant drunkenness is obviously not a good idea).

yes, I do see a therapist for anxiety. he mostly helps me eliminate things that make me anxious...but you can't eliminate everything especially sex if you are married!

Four kids at 25, I'd be anxious and exhausted . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have you always had a anxiety problem regarding sex?

How does your H feel about your anxiety? Do you talk about this with him openly? What's his take?

I agree you can't eliminate everything, BUT you can try different approaches that make you less anxious. Maybe more non-sexual interactions. Holding hands, sitting together, cuddling, kiss, massage, hugs with NO anticipation of sex. Relax together. That might help you relax enough to enjoy sex. If you H is open to helping you, what about just standard missionary sex...you know what to expect, no anxiety over it, become more comfortable with being intimate.

Since you can't take anti-anxiety medications, have you ever looked into EMDR?

http://www.emdr.com/q&a.htm

"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories...After successful treatment with EMDR, affective distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and physiological arousal is reduced. During EMDR the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while simultaneously focusing on an external stimulus."

My therapist has used it with me and it's really helped. Things which once elicited a very anxious response from me now do not bother me.