This is a very unusual problem that I need immediate help with. I have worked in the Middle East for more than 20 years and normally my wife resides here with me. Our children were born and raised here. We are from the United States and have a home there for use when we are there for vacations. Unfortunately, almost a year ago, my wife had to leave to care for our college-aged son who suffers from a serious mental illness. I just found out that she has been having an affair with someone who I believe is the divorced brother of one of the divorced middle-aged guys that live in the apartment complex where my wife and son are staying. The complex is rife with divorced people, I guess in the manner of apartment complexes.

Our son has been doing better and has been diagnosed as fit to be on his own again. My wife resisted returning to our home here as soon as she could have after I returned from my annual leave at the end of August and, while at first I believed she was just regretting returning to our very peculiar life in this Muslim country, it turns out she had begun her affair and was just resisting coming back to prolong it. Although her excuses were vacuous for staying in the States and I was mistrustful, I let her stay for the last two months but began checking on her. I just verified the adultery two days ago and now I am of course devastated and unraveling and probably not thinking too straight.

Here's the problem: She has agreed to return in about ten days. I know she is planning to see the other guy for the next two days. Because of the pain she is causing, I would like to expose her now, but I am afraid that then she will change her mind about returning which will make putting our marriage back together harder if not impossible.

I can try to carry on without letting her know what I know until she gets here plus I don't want to expose how I caught her yet. She will be breaking it off by neccessity when she leaves the U.S. but I am not a hundred percent sure she will get on the plane. Should I just suck it up for the next week and a half? My emotions say no, my brain says yes.

I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice on my situation. I should mention that my wife began an adulterous affair here in the Middle East two years ago but we received counseling and worked on reviving our marriage so we were able to end that relationship quickly. I haven't fully trusted her since then which she knows but I guess that only made her more sneaky. I know we have some serious rehab required if we are going to stay married.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You are in a hard situation. I think I would talk to her anyway about the adultery. There is no use letting it continue while you pretend you don't know.

Does she dislike living in the Mid-East?

Thanks for the reply. She says she's bored overhere and that she's tired of always doing what I want but she has no problem enjoying the money I earn here or the opportunities to travel all over the world. I think she is missing some emotional support from me which I freely admit is hard to supply while I'm thousands of miles away. Our situation is further complicated by the fact that while she is here I am only with her three nights per week because I work in a remote location.

I spoke to our marriage counselor over here and she said to wait until my wife returns.

Then you'd better wait until she returns.

If you are only home 3 nights a week, I can see how she would be bored. She really needs to be involved in something that she enjoys. Would she be up for that?

How long do you have to work this schedule?

Unless I can get a transfer, I'll be working this scedule until I quit or retire as was my hope. She has a horse, sings in the choir, plays cards with other women, etc. It may be kind of unfulfilling for her.

Last night was the worst since I found out. I couldn't sleep until after 02:00 for thinking about her with OM in the States. What can I do to get my mind off what she is doing while i am waiting for her to return?

Start getting your plan together. You need to do a good Plan A, which is showing her what a great husband you can be.

The time away from her is a problem. I know she has the material things, but it sounds like not enough of her emotional needs are being met.

Also your son being sick is very stressful for her, and that sometimes lets people slip into infidelity to run from problems.

Our son is doing much better thanks to therapy and the right medications. I believe the affair began right about the time that my son showed signs of recovery back in July. I think the cheating is something she wanted or was tempted by after being speparated from me for about six months from Christmas until when I came home on my annual leave at the end of July.

I am trying to show her what a good husband I can be but I think she was having to good of time with the OM to think much of me. We talk everyday on the phone and she always tells me she loves me when we say goodby.

I guess my situation may not be so unique except for the extreme separation. I was just talking to my best friend over here and he says "Dump her [censored] and go get laid". This is very easy to follow advice as sex is a commodity in the ME. I really believe that is not what I want to do after 36 years of fidelity to WS. I need all the help I can get. Please let me know what you think.

There are quite a few expats posting here. I live in Hong Kong.

This is your wife's second affair in two years. You need a really good plan to work through this but mostly, you need to be in the same country to begin to unravel the mess.

It's a very lonely time dealing with infidelity when your family are so far away. Your friend means well but revenge won't really achieve anything apart from perhaps a trip to the STD clinic. Many will try to exploit your vulnerability but I hope you can keep a level head to deal with your wife's return without further complications to your situation.

Take care. TT

I am not even mildly tempted to have sex with anyone other than my wife. We had a very active sex life for decades. I don't believe her current failing has much to do with sex and much more to do with affection and romance and maybe proximity. This loser in our apartment complex was probably a vey lucky man to find someone susceptive to his advances. Separation sucks. I had never been apart from WW more than about 3 months until this thing with our son occurred. We'll see how it goes next week but at the present time I'm more worried about getting an STD from WS

I was just rereading tucktummy's post above and I came to realize that loneliness has been an issue in my relationship with WW for a long time. She has been lonely and lord knows I have been. I have worked in remote locations away from home for four nights per week for a total of about eleven years of the twenty plus we have spent in the Middle East. I realize now that this was probably a mistake.

What to do now?