My H claims everything the OW does is so wonderful and he sees no wrong in her whereas everything I do is wrong and horrible. Do you guys think he really is in love with this woman, he tells her she's the love of his life, he wants to marry her but he is so mean to me. Is he so caught up in this fantasy or do you guys think that this relationship is real and they will make it? Thanks!

Hi Little,

Do you have more information or a link to read your story?

In my WAY humble opinion and experience, everything that comes out of a WH's mouth is fog. But I don't know what your situation is.

SG

Is it real love? Could be. But by Dr Harley's definition "real love" is merely a set of responses to specific conditions that make the emotion manifest itself (not very romantic I'm afraid).

Will the relationship with OW last? Not likely at least statistically speaking. Over 95% of all affairs end within 2 years. Few result in marriage and only a very small percentage of those marriages last even five years. So statistically speaking, there is no "happily ever after" when it comes to affairs.

But is it fog? This is the key question and I think the answer is that YES it is fog. But fog is the condition he is in because of his emotional state. It is not a false sense of reality, but his reality, which means he is responding and reacting to the way he feels, not by what is right or wrong.

He is following the WS script almost to the letter. To turn him around requires that you Plan A with NO expectations from him for a while and if he still won't return to you and the marriage, go to Plan B until he is ready to do anything it takes to get you back OR until such time as YOU decide it is time to move on, since Dr Harley says that it might even be possible to save a marriage up to 2 years after a divorce is final.

The two years is not a magic number here, but is the statistical likelihood of the demise of the relationship with the affair partner. After two years it becomes more difficult for the BS to continue waiting with no results and so is probably the limit before moving on.

And yes, everything the BS does has to be wrong in order to justify what the WS is doing to them. They cannot simply break their own code of ethics and morality and call themselves a bad and evil person so they must transfer the guilt to the BS or someone else. If he ever does come back to you, he is likely to transfer much of his guilt to OW because the alternative is still for him to admit that he knowingly and with premeditation caused you pain and suffering way beyond what any human should inflict on another.

Have you read SAA? Do you understand the idea of the love bank/ENs and the three states of mind in marriage?

Mark

Mark,

I love reading your wisdom. It is a reminder that my reality isn't crazy.

Have a great day,

SG