People change, of course, we don’t stay the same. But how do you know when those changes are such that could become problematic later on? I have always heard about how marriage is a lot of work (and yes, it is) and how many marriages end up in trouble because people miss the warning signs, and then it’s too late. But I don't know, I'm in the middle of my first semester of college and the workload is killing me, so I don't know what's a real concern and what's just a side-product of the overwhelming stress. Hence this post.

My wife's been spending a lot of time going out with her co-workers after work. She went out Saturday night and then to a party last night, didn't get home until 1:30am, even though she has to get up at 7. She goes out drinking after work about 3 or 4 times each week. I joined her on Saturday since her co-workers have been trying to get me to come, but I didn't enjoy myself. They're friendly enough, but I don't drink, I hate cigarette smoke, and don't dig the bar atmosphere in general. I'd rather sit in a nice restaurant and discuss Bowie or sociology or the Marburg virus or something.

At one point she asked if I were to mind if she smoked. I told her it was her call, although that wasn't really an answer; I felt that she should know by now. We've discussed that before - as much as I adore this woman, I don't think there is any way we could live together if she picked up smoking as a habit since the smell of tobacco is one of my migraine triggers. I didn’t want to be that guy who tells or tries to tell his wife what she should do with her life. I know she has smoked before when she’s been out drinking, ****** she may do it every time for all I know. But honestly, I am glad she waited at least until after I had left.

It’s not just the smoking that bothers me. Sitting next to her at a bar was like sitting next to a stranger you sort of know, but not really. I left before she did, and I didn’t really even want to kiss her on my way out, it was a bit like kissing someone you barely know. Ever since she started going out with her co-workers, she has changed somewhat. I remember waking up one night at 2:30 in the morning and she still had not come home. I am generally ok with her going out with her friends because she works her [censored] off and if something helps her chill and unwind, then great, I am glad. I also know she hasn’t had many friends and it’s probably a very liberating experience for her. But boy, was I pissed. There was a part of me that admittedly felt like a married woman has no business being out drinking at 2:30 in the morning when she has to get up at 7, especially since she had called me earlier in the evening at around 7 saying she was going out but wouldn’t be long, just a couple of hours. Much of my anger was just due to worry, but still.

Since she started going out with her friends, some aspects of her personality and, admittedly, some aspects of our relationship have changed a bit. She had this small tattoo on her lower back that she got while she was in college, but the tattoo shop had messed it up. She got it covered at a local tattoo place with a much bigger one… The new one is about the size of my hand, and my hands aren’t small by any stretch of the imagination. I don’t know, just seemed unexpected. The old one she had was her own design and had symbolic meaning to it; this one apparently, according to her, does not, it’s just a design she picked. I can’t tell what it looks like, if anything. But it’s her skin and while I don’t generally care for tattoos, it’s not like it’s visible unless she’s not wearing a shirt. If she asks, I say “it’s okay”, I kind of like it, but perhaps if it weren’t for all this other stuff, I’d like it better.

For years now, I have been the traditional husband who wants sex once in the morning and twice in the afternoon. But suddenly the tables have turned; she is considerably more aggressive sexually and more interested in trying new things. Meanwhile, I took on more course hours for my first semester than I should have and there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to stay on top of all my studies and I am under consistent stress. I have to take propranolol now to keep my hypertension in control thanks to it. Double that with the fact that I prefer to have sex with someone who is sober, and I am suddenly the one who has the non-stop headache. And the stuff she wants to try, I don’t know where she’s picking it up from. Her imagination? Maybe. Her friends? Suppose so, I guess. Seems more graphic than Americans usually get in their bar conversations, but I don’t know much about modern girl culture. Porn? Doubtful, she doesn’t watch porn that I know of. God, I sound so old. So…square.

I don’t know. Maybe I am not looking at this the right way. But last night she commented several times on how hot the waitress was; personally I didn’t think she was hot, but then again I don’t dig the skinny blonde look. Let me put it this way: if she were to suggest a ménage a trois I would not be totally surprised. I’d hit the roof most likely, but I wouldn’t necessarily feel like it was coming from the left field. And this is a girl who'd get upset if I slapped her [censored] in public. That is how out of touch I feel with her non-home persona.

I don’t think I have a non-home persona, and perhaps that is my problem. I haven’t made any friends in college thus far, and probably won’t make any easily since I don’t really have anything in common with anyone, and don’t much care for beer or drinking in general. So I am quite happy to spend time at home; in fact, I relish it. She has always gotten antsy if she had to stay in the house all day long on her days off. She needs to get out and see people. I understand that. I think it’s cool, in general.

I brought up her drinking and a-bit-too-often bar hopping a week or two ago, and she said we could dedicate Friday and Saturday evenings for doing “together stuff” and she’d go out on Sunday evenings with her co-workers. That, of course, didn’t stick; as always, she called me after work last night (as mentioned earlier) to tell me she was going out. I figured that’s just as well, why break the routine.

The thing is, we barely see each other as is. She is never off on the weekends. Most days, I have to leave for class at 6:45 in the morning. I can’t stay up late because of that. So unless she gets home at a reasonable hour, I don’t see her at all that day. It is hard for me to feel inspired, sexually, with someone I only get to see if they decide not to go out that evening. For a while I stayed up late in the hope of her coming her and we could watch something and have a late dinner or just, I dunno, walk the dogs. I don’t bother anymore – the likelihood is that it doesn’t happen so I’d rather not put myself through the constant disappointment.

I’m sure I’m not a jewel to be with either. I don’t do enough around here, I come home after class in the afternoon, and generally speaking take 5-6 hours to study and do my exhausting math homework. So I am sure I am not much company. And when I have time I can use for something else, I prefer to watch a movie or something as opposed to going out with her friends. I took her out to a surprise picnic a week or so ago. That's the stuff I like, the simple things. But for her and her friends, it seems like all they do is drink. And I just don’t understand that at all. It’s just so not me. I don’t understand why they all, my wife included, seem to have this need to have alcohol present for them to enjoy one another’s company. Can’t they go bowling or something instead? Do something that doesn’t require poisoning your brain. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an absolutist nor do I hate alcohol necessarily, I just think it is healthy to sometimes have fun without it.

Help me out here. I don’t know as much about what makes marriage work as you do. I don’t know what’s a warning sign and what’s just a natural part of people changing. I know we change and we grow, and that we are supposed to grow together. But if part of that growing means that we proceed to have so very little in common, where does that lead us? I don't think that my dislike of drinking and the bar scene is due to my getting old (I am 30, she's 27), this is how I have always been. And she, as well - that was one of the things I fell in love with her for. She'd rather go for a walk in a park than sit in a bar.

I know you're going to tell me that I need to talk to her, not you. And you'd be right; it is just that, before I do that, I need to figure out whether I am blowing this out of proportion and being the traditional overbearing control-freak ****** husband, or whether I am right in being concerned. Because I don't know anymore. I miss feeling significant, I guess. I want to change something in this scenario, but I don't think there is much I can do. I have told her previously that the frequency of the drinking bothers me. She admitted that it is tiring for her to go out so often, yet she hasn't changed that. It seems to me that she has absolutely no willpower to say no to her co-workers. She's gone out a few times after telling me she doesn't really feel like it or is too tired, but she goes anyway.

I know she would like me to go with, but that whole booze scene is not who I am, and I have a really lousy time the last time I went. Watching people drown their faces in margaritas while you sip your Dr. Pepper is not as hot as it sounds.

Married women should NOT be going out to bars with friends. I think it is fine to go once of twice a year with girlfriends. But your wife is going too much. The two of you need to be spending 15 hours a week doing fun things that you both enjoy.

I used to go to bars quite a bit when I was younger. When I was pregnant and not drinking, I noticed that you really need to be drinking to think sitting around drinking with a bunch of folks is fun. Take away the alcohol and it gets boring.

See if you can find some hobbies, sports, activities, etc that you both enjoy.

You are right to be worried. Look at all the folks here whose partners met their affair partners while engaging in seperate activities.

Z
I can totally relate to your thread. Just spin it around I am the wife and it's my husband who is going out all the time. I am left at home with the kids all the time. This started right after we were married(15 years now). The thing is he doesn't have a bunch of friends. He goes by himself or meets a co-worker. If I call him on it I am a nag He always uses the excuse of I deserve to go out and wind down after a hard day. He is very self indulgent. He just got a new credit card and in 2 weeks has spent over 600 dollars on himself. Bars, clothes, haircuts. I work 40+ hours a week 2, take care of 2 kids and the house chores. I keep wondering when it is my turn. I feel like as soon as I can afford it, kids are out of daycare. I am out of here. He will just continue to drag me down financially, emotionally. I have tried to talk with him about lovebusters, emotional needs, etc. he told me I am not going to change, this is the way I am, you knew I liked going out and if you don't like it then maybe you married the wrong man. Sign of a total in denial alcoholic?? Or I'm wondering if he wants me to make the first move to end the marriage. He has been married once before and engaged once. I just get tired of dealing with his childish behavior.

Sounds from the begining she resents the fact you are going to school and better yourself. She might have forseen that as a threat to her in someway or felt insecure that u are not with her and now uses the bars and the alchol to fullfill some fear , void or emptiness she has. My ex-wife many many years ago went to bars because I was never home. I worked many long hours and was out of state a lot

I am sorry but you are in complete denial. She is acting and behaving like a single woman. She is disrespecting you and your marriage. What do you think she would be thinking if the roles had been reversed? Her attitude and behavior are screaming red flags. You know it will be a matter of time if not already that she will meet someone else. You are making excuses for having your wife go to bars and coming home in the middle of the morning. This is a disaster waiting to happen you are trying to rationalize it. You both need to get into marriage counseling or your marriage is doomed and I think you know this.