It's the alien. He's not your husband anymore. He's your wayward husband. He's high on adultery, and you're standing between him and the ultimate fix. He's an alien.

He can't hear you, so there's not much point in talking with him, or at least not about the things that you want to tell him. I wouldn't accuse him of being with another woman--assume that he is.

Don't rant and rave at him--he will use that as ammunition for his case against you. Right now (and for some time) he has been building up in his mind the case that your marriage was over and that he was miserable with you. He HAS to do that in order to justify to himself what he's doing. So if you're really angry and argumentative (like you have every right to be), he's going to say to himself "See. . . I knew she was bla bla bla and that I couldn't live with her anymore."

If you have to talk with him, say calm things like "I'm sorry you feel that way. I remain committed to our marriage and our family."

The Harleys have a call-in radio show. You might want to see about calling in to get some short-term advice. At this point, there is no reason to assume that your marriage is over.

Try to calm down and breathe deeply.

SDguy and Chris are giving you some GREAT advice. PLEASE don't take what your WH says to heart. I know that's easier said than done, but right now, he's rewriting your history together. None of it will make sense.

I PROMISE you that you WILL get through this if you stick with MB. Dr. Harley is well known and his plans work. YOU will be fine. Chances are good for you because you got here fast. We may be a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but we do care. We really do.

(((Mom09152)))

I am so comforted by all of your kind words. There is comfort in knowing I am not alone but as I read the different posts its heartbreaking also. I do understand the Fog Talk it makes perfect sense that he has to blame someone for his shortcomings to justify what he is doing. I know who and what I stand for and the 10 years we have shared was not the horror he is making it out to be. I would not engage in a fight with him today, partly because I was so stunned and partly because no words came to mind.


I have not tried to call him nor has he tried to reach me. I am starting to feel anger set in. How cowardly to tell me on the telephone. That he wasnt even man enough to talk to me in person. It makes me feel as if I never knew this man to be so cold and hateful. I think back to Saturday we went to a Halloween Festival everything fine perfect day. Then unload this bomb on me today. He knew then what he was going to do........

Maybe you should contact the human resources of his job to inform them that he has been using company time and resources (phone) to commit adultery. I am sure that's something that his company don't allow. He and his girlfriend (if you were right) could both be in trouble.

Mom:

Get the facts before you expose to his work or you will look silly. See if you can find someone there that you can confide in, such as personnel director. If he is using company time and resources to have an affair, I can assure you they will be interested.

At this point, if there is an affair, you must end it if you are to have any hope of saving your marriage. The sooner it ends, the better it will be.

Pray for light. It is amazing what you will be shown. I did, but sometimes what I found it is too much to bear. But you have to know what is going on.

Stay calm when you do talk to WS. Do not plead. Be strong. If you take him back, make sure he knows that you are placing conditions on him coming back, and define your conditions! Put yourself in driver's seat!

Good luck to you,

So today you didn't feel like talking to him because you were still in shock. You'll start to put the pieces together, though, and you'll get really angry (on top of all the hurt). I can see that you are already starting to feel it. Don't act on it!

You will want to give him a piece of your mind and let him know how much he has hurt you and what a lowlife he is and what a small pathetic human being he is, and that's exactly what the alien wants. It would confirm to him that he really is better off without you. He will only hear you saying angry things to him that he doesn't want to hear.

Start reading about Plan A, because once you can stomach it, that's where you're headed. Be pleasant. Don't plead. Don't discuss divorce. Say you're only interested in saving the marriage, but don't dwell on it.

In the mean time, begin gathering information about the affair, because when the time is right you will need to expose it in his workplace. Scott is right--you can't save the marriage as long as the affair continues, and your best chance to kill the affair is to expose it in the workplace. Like Scott says, you need the facts before you can do that. I suspect that their "relationship" will look very different after you have exposed, but that's for another day.

Today you are realizing that your husband is not who you thought he was--he's been possessed by an alien. Yes, he was incredibly cowardly to tell you over the phone and empty out the accounts. Yes, that is elite dirtbag status, but Wayward Spouses (WS's) are incredibly insensitive, hurtful creatures. The sooner you understand this, the better you can protect yourself from it.

He may try to engage you in a fight. Don't let him.

And remember, this is not your fault. Hang in there.

I would guess that there is an affair going on and that the OW is the woman going on the trip with him.

If you have enough money, I would invest in a GPS and put it in his car while he is gone so you can track it when he returns.

It would be best not to confront him until you get proof, because he will just get sneakier.

Also gather up all of your important papers and put them in a different house. My sis is an attorney, and like while my ex was having an affair she advised me to remove the important papers. I told her my husband would never stoop that low, and even checked that the box they were in was still there. A couple weeks later I needed something and when I looked through the box, EVERYTHING important was gone - deed for the house, pink slips for the cars, banking records - all gone.

You are all right. Last night I to looked for
tax records, house deed, banking statements. all husbands check stubs as we keep these in a file cabinet in my office nothing it was cleaned out. These were all item the attorney I am meeting with Wed. said he would need. I feel totally numb right now...He called last night around 9:00. I did not answer the phone. He will be back in town late Friday night...I dont know what to do, do I box his clothes and things up for him and leave then outside, do I let him come get them himself. I dont think I can bear seeing him right now...do I have my locks changed to prevent him from coming into the house....I want to tell him if this is what you want then u can leave with the clothes on your back. Your not getting anything out of this house. I feel like throwing all his clothes in the washing machine and giving them a good bleach bath.

I know I sound immature...I would love to rip him apart right now. He planned all of this right under my nose. I know in my heart he has another woman. I wont say anything to him about it because I do not have the proof yet.

In most states adultry is not a legal factor in divorce and will have virtually no impact.

Do gather all the financial and title and retirement paperwork that you can and copy it. Put it in a safe place outside the home.

Be careful about jumping to conclusions. If you do something like go to his workplace or contact them with no proof, just allegations, you could seal the fate of your marriage.

mom09152,

I'm glad you have an attorney, and now you need to get some proof. Hire a PI pronto. The sooner you know what and who you're dealing with....the sooner you can take the necessary steps to bust up the affair. Do you have a relationship with his parents? At the very least, you can call them and tell them about the abandonment phone call....so cowardly...ugh.

((((((((((((((((((mom)))))))))))))))))))))

He's already talked to a lawyer. Fortunately, you can get duplicates of these things easily enough. Arghhhh... your WS is a piece of work. You need to preempt him now though and get a TRO (temporary restraining order) in place that prohibits him from depleting your funds, making unnecessary purchases, transferring assets, spelling out custody issues. I hate to tell you this but my guess is that you will be served pretty soon. Call your county district clerk and ask if a lawsuit has been filed. You can do this yourself, it's public information.

Don't do anything with his stuff until you talk to the attorney, but DO ask about changing the locks. If you can get an emergency TRO then you should be able to lock him out and stop him from plundering your assets.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

How are you doing today??

Ditto WOF-- are you okay??

Hi I still here just been wracking my brain all day..I wish I could just turn it off. I didnt sleep at all last night ..I am so tired and drained. I have been making a list of things to speak with the attorney about Thurs. I am holding off on changing the locks and packing husbands things up until I speak with the Attorney. Right now I have no idea what my husband has planned but am expecting the worst. He will be back in town late Friday night.


This is such an emotional rollercoaster ride...my emotions change by the minute...uncontrollable sobbing to numbness to anger and back around again. I feel so helpless and lost right now and I hate feeling that way. I feel a rage bulding inside of me....but the last thing I need to do right now is call him. It would not do any goodwith his irrational state of mind. I probably need to see my doctor to get put on something... that whats everyone keeps telling me ....I dont know what if anything can make this pain go away....

Absolutely call your doc. When I was going through this my doc prescribed sleeping pills and anti-depressants, otherwise I would have gotten zero sleep and been a worse mess than I was. The anti-depressants take awhile to kick in but at least you'll be sleeping. Maybe something for anxiety?

Sweetie, there is nothing really that will make the pain go away right now. RIGHT NOW IS THE WORST PART OF IT. But you can manage it with help from your doc. I don't know if you're a praying woman or even a Christian, but if you are, prayer does help.

Yes I am a Christian...I have been on my knees praying mosty for guidance and strength and peace of heart. I am going to call my Doctor and make an appt. My friend brought me over some Lunesta today it is a sleeping pill so I will take that tonite.

The first two weeks will be terrible. They were the worst of my life. But amazingly time and the knowledge contained at this site bring healing and strength.

We are all here.

Do you have a prayer chain at your church? There's nothing like a group of prayer warriors behind the scenes doing their thing. My sister and I prayed that God would "break" my H. Boy did He. You can read how in my story by clicking on the link in my signature. It was awesome (and kinda funny).

Yes. Absolutely do this.

I kind of hate to tell you this because I know that you are in so much pain, but you're doing really well so far. I think you have done a very good job with your decisions, and I'm afraid that the roller coaster is just par for the course.

Keep posting. There are many people here who will help you through this. I can already tell from your posts that you can do it.

(((Mom09152)))

I'm so sorry that you are here. We've all felt the pain that you are feeling now, and we have all gotten through it somehow.

Since your WH works for the DoD, that should be one of your best defenses. Especially if both of them do. When you get proof, expose it. Don't think they would want their careers ruined.

You might be able to get cell phone records if you can get a few minutes alone with WH's cell. Log onto the service site, key in the number, then sign up. The site will send a password to the phone via text message. Get the password, then erase text message. Hey, I've heard it works <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />