My H just called to speak to the kids and I got on the telephone to ask him what he wanted me to do with his things. I asked him this because he has already removed all the important documents I need and I do not want him in the house again. He was callous and cold told me to do whatever I wanted to do. Told me if I want I could [email]f@@king[/email] throw his stuff on the front yard he didnt care. I told him I would box his things up and put them in the driveway. Then he asked me if there was anything else I needed I said no and he hung up on me. I know he was with people I could here them in the background. I didnt not let him engage me in a fight, but I am shaking and physically sick now.

I am having the locks changed tomorrow whether its right or wrong I am doing it I speak to an attorney Thurs. I do not want him in this house while I am not home or with me here either. If he wants this fine but I will not make it easy for him.

Well, have you read about Plan A? That is the starting point. It doesn't include throwing his cr*p out in the yard, although several people here have done that.

My husband told me if I wanted to I could throw his stuff out on the yard. I told him I would box it up for him and leave his belongings in the driveway.

Yes I have read up on Plan A but at this point with him cleaning out our accounts and removing all the important documentation from the house such as house info, tax records, car title, bank statements I feel I have to protect myself and my family from anything else he might do. No I do not want all this ugliness, I have held my tongue because there is no reasoning with him in the state of mind he is in right now. At this point he is a stranger to me.....I do not know this man.

This is hard, and it's not going to get easier any time soon.


So this is the kind of thing you should be trying to avoid. Around here, it's called Love-Busting (or LB'ing). In his mind, you confirmed for him that you are an angry unreasonable person. His response (being angry and defensive) was pretty typical.

I know that this is really hard, and you're having to absorb a tremendous amount of stuff in a very short period of time. Huge amounts of raw emotion make it hard to think straight. Plus, a lot of what we tell you will probably seem counter-intuitive to what you are feeling.

The advice you're currently being given assumes that you want to save your marriage. Based on what I've learned and know about this place, I think your marriage is very salvagable. Have you thought about whether you want to save the marriage or not?

Changing the locks is a step towards divorce. It's probably just what the wayward spouse in him wants you to do.

Any time you're confronted with the alien, it will trigger a response from you. You'll have an adrenaline rush, wind up shaking, and you'll really really want to REACT. Do Something to make it better. (Dealing with these kinds of triggers is specifically what my Remember to Breathe line is about--it's a reminder for me as much as anything.)

Typically, the instinctive response to the trigger is out of emotion and not the one that is the most constructive toward rebuilding a marriage (e.g., giving him a piece of your mind, changing the locks). This is why you should avoid contact with him if you can until you have a better idea of what you're up against. Put a Plan in place. Probably Plan A.

Have you read about Plan A? Have you thought about calling the Harley's call-in radio show? Or setting up an appointment through the counseling center? There are a couple of books that can help--Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. Both will be useful.

I hope my tone is not off-putting. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning because 1) I didn't find this place soon enough, and 2) I didn't listen to what I was told when I got here because I was in my own fog. I don't know that things could have been any different for me, but I still try to help people avoid the mistakes I made.

Again, this is just what the wayward spouse wants you to do. He wants it to be over--he wants you to believe that your relationship is over. The sooner you give up, the easier it is for him.

Does this make sense to you?

Of course, you must protect your family financially. That is why you have the appointment with the attorney. I know it is hard to accept, but your husband is behaving just like they all do. No surprises at all.

So try to remain calm. Get some help from your doc if you get too depressed. Keep reading and posting here.

Be strong, and take the high road.

He can choose his actions, but not yours. Being the mature adult will only lead to good things for you...

I know it will be difficult, but in the months ahead, you will have to bite your tongue many, many times.

Have you found out about the OW yet?

Thank You all for your kind word and encouragement. I feel right now I am living minute by minute just trying to get through ...if that makes any sense. No I have not found out about another woman yet...but I have a feeling in time it will all come out. I have gone threw his car his closet all his clothes...and nothing..I feel like an idiot for having to resort to this but I have a gut feeling it is another woman...

I feel so nervous about having my locks changed but I cannot stay home all the time and I just dont know what he will do. I have family coming in this weekend and I will be away from the house most of the weekend. I just feel safer knowing that the locks will be changed. I know that will only enrage him futher. But at this point I cant put anything past him and i dont want to come home this weekend to an empty house....

Check with an attorney. In my state (community property), it doesn't matter if you change the locks. The other party has the right to break in and get what they want. An attorney can file papers to keep your husband from doing more damage.

What did he complain about before all of this? You need to be working on it.

Complain about before ......lets see well we both work we have 2 active kids. We had the usual arguments house, money, kids etc. I was always the one to have to rearrange my schedule around the kids...thats what I did make everything as easy for him as possible. My husband is a perfectionist everything as to be a certain way. His house , his yard, his cars...everything has to be perfect. I on the other hand am laid back and I pick and choose my battle..everything is not worth arging . One instance our kids love to leave kitchen cabinet doors open....this drives my husband nuts I would get a 30 minute lecture on why the cabinet doors need to be closed. Lets not even go into my teenagers bedroom...my husband would blow a gasket over his room. Once a week I make my son drag everything out and clean his room but that not good enough...he wants it spotless everyday. He hates all my friends...i went to luch with a gf 2 weeks ago he stayed home with the kids I was home in 2 hours...he was mad he would'nt talk to me for hours after that and accusses of be out drinking at a bar. I was at a chili's.

mom,

""I just feel safer knowing that the locks will be changed. I know that will only enrage him futher.""

Who gives a rat's a$$ if it enrages him!! After what he did to you and the COWARDLY way he did it??

I keep telling you that YOU are the one that needs to feel VERY ENRAGED!! Quit your laid back ways for a minute and STAND UP for your children and yourself!!

HOW DARE HE THINK HE CAN TREAT YOU AND YOUR KIDS IN THIS MANNER?? What does he think will occur when he does come home and must take responsibility for this well planned out terrorist attack.

You should be going BALLISTIC on this sorry excuse for a man. CHANGE THE LOCKS. STAY AWAY WITH YOUR FAMILY AND DON'T ANSWER YOUR CELL PHONE. Sorry to be yelling, but this really chaps my hide.

Or you can meekly meet him at the front door with a freshly baked apple pie.

IMHO

kirk

I am having the locks changed and your right the rage is building trust me but i am trying to keep a level head and get a plan going. I wan to rip this man limb from limb right now.


I know it has been posted to me about plan A. I understand plan A but right now I am going into plan secure my house and family. I know the anger is going to come and hit me kie a ton of bricks I feel it.

On another subject I am a Realtor and with the market the way it stands right now I am worried about my furture. A friend of mine called me last night and she knows a contractor that is looking for an assistant. I called and spoke with him and I have an appt today with him at 1:00 PM
I need this job as it would bring in steady income and I could still do real estate on the side. Keep me in your thoughts and pray for me this afternoon...Thank You all so very much..........

Good luck on the job. That might be a good thing.

The realty market is down right now, but I'm sure it will rebound soon. After all, everyone needs a home.

I forgot, how old are your children?

mom,

That is very awesome about the contractor's job.

Concentrating on you, protecting yourself, is what you need to do.

Good luck.

What do you want to have happen, Mom? Do you want to stay married to this man? Was your marriage good before? If not, you're being offered a Get Out of Jail Free card.

Well I got the position...the Lord is so taking care of me right now. This position in 8-5 M-F so I will still be able to stay in real estate part time.

Yes I want my husband and my marriage. I thought my marriage was good there were bad times and good times but I always thought this was marriage and no marriage is perfect you just keep going, working through it. I have alway put my marriage and family before anything in my life. I have always seen character flaws in my husband but I always gave him the benefit of the doubt.

At this point I will not let him drag me and my children down in the gutter with him. I have to protect myself and my family from anything else.

I have this gut feeling the other shoe hasnt dropped yet...and I have to prepare myself for it.

When he called me Monday I tried to beg him to talk to me ...where is this coming from...what is going on...he just kept saying he wants to live his life for himself ....he wants his own life. I have drained the life out of him....and whatever he does now is LEGAL because we are over. That I was a b*ytch he hates me and "it done". That he hates my family ,he even brought up stuff like "remember 2 years ago...blah blah blah. It didnt even make sense my family is convinced his on drugs which I know hes not....he is just trying to justify in his head that what he is doing is right.

He can make me the bad guy all he wants but if he thinks I am just going to roll over and take this he has another thing coming....I will not take this I will protect my family and assets at all costs....

This is where my frame of mind is right now. I tried to talk and reason with him but he is just not responsive he is acting out like a child.

Great news about the job! Congratulations.

Protect your family and assets, but try not to give in to the self-righteous anger. Going ballistic on him won't accomplish anything other than convincing him that he's doing the right thing.

Don't get me wrong--you have every right to be angry and hurt. What he's doing is disgusting, but reacting to it by lashing out at your husband will not help you save your marriage.


He's an alien. He might as well be on drugs for all that you can do to get through to him.

Keep reading about Plan A. And start working on proof of an affair.

You still have an appointment tomorrow with a lawyer ?

Sounds to me like you H might be going straight to plan D. Make sure you lay out your cards as best you can so he/she can formulate a plan. Is the lawyer someone you know or was referred ? Make sure you get one that you are comfortable with. Remember that they work for you. The first counciltation is usually free. Shop around if need be.

Make a list of questions to ask. Ask about the house and H. Someone else mentioned a true fact in that in most states you changing the locks doesn't mean anything - he can break the door down or a window to get in and will be doing nothing illegal. He can't and won't be charged for breaking into his own house unless you have a motion in place preventing him from the premises.

Ask the lawyer about formal seperation papers. Filing some might be in your favor right now if you can get temporary residence of the home and keep him out.

Hang in there. You are doing good. Now try to do some thinking to figure out about the OW. Was your husband home on time after work? Did he disappear at times? Did you notice he seemed to be detached or troubled? When did he start changing?

Usually if you look back you can pinpoint when things started going south. Did you try checking the cell phone bill?

Did you do a credit search to see if he has applied for any credit that you don't know about?

He has become very detached but he always told me he was stressed out at work. Yes he would disappear he would say he was going to work late or have to work a Saturday. Whenever I would try to reach him on his phone he would never answer. I would try to call his cell phone or his company cell no answer...then when I would question him he would tell me never got the calls.....yeah I know I'm stupid...I would say I started noticing changes in him around March of this year. I have looked thru our personal cell records and nothing jumps out at me.

I think its time I start questioning friend or people he works with, I hate to do this its so pathetic but I know in my heart something is going on. But on the other hand I have nothing to hide he is the one that decided to abandon his family....let people see him for the jerk he's become.