Don't worry too much. I know it is scarey. In many states the spouse and kids can stay in the family home until the kids are grown, and then it is sold. Your attorney can advise you. But you should be able to at least get some temporary support.

Anyway, affairs never last, and I'm sure hubby's won't be any different. OW may have been giving him ultimatums (sp?) and that is why this came up so suddenly.

On the other hand, YOU will have to do some thinking on what you want to do. It is good that he is still keeping in contact with the kids. Sometimes the WS just disappears.

Contact with the kids is of the utmost importance with me...thats why when he calls I do not try to intervene in the calls even though I would love to...I will have my moment with him eventually. I know I have alot of thinking to do its just so hard right now because my emotions are all over the place...

i know this is going to sound screwed up but I am worried about him also if he has a place to stay.... I shared most of my adult life with this man and even though what he is putting me though...you just cant turn off your emotions so easily at least I cant. I feel like a rambling fool , I probably sound like one too. Just one day at a time...this didnt happen overnight....

HE is the one who says he wants a divorce and that you are the problem. Don't feel sorry for him. He will find a place.

And you don't know yet what all is going on. I suggest that when you talk to your husband you be calm and confident. You can let him know that you love him and always hoped to stay together and are sorry that he is so unhappy.

Just play it by ear and see what he does next. Some immediately realize they have made a mistake and come right back. Some would prefer to continue with the other woman for awhile.

If he admits the truth and wants to work on things, you can always have him around.

mom,

"".I have so many questions...Its very scary.....''

I hope you have a notebook that you can carry around with you and write ALL these questions down, to ask the attorney.

If you don't you will forget half of them.

Stay strong and enjoy your family and your Mom's Bday.

kirk

What's going on?

Well I finally spoke with him last night. I was sitting with the kids and my youngest tells me that daddy took her to the park 2 weeks ago and asked her is she would ever want to live with daddy...he told her very soon daddy was going to go to a judge to get her to live with him that his mom and dad were helping him. Of course he told her to keep this their secret. He told his mom and dad were helping him....then she told me he called him mom telling her we were getting divorced. So he was planning this weeks ago.

Well I called him and told him regardless his feelings to ward me or what we are going through he does not need to include our kids in it this was between him and I and that he was not going to pollute their heads. Of course he told me he didnt tell her that, and it got ugly, what I wanted to avoid he said he was going to have a realtor put the house up for sale immediately he hopes I have a good attorney because he has the best in town...we have been strippping wallpaper in the bathrooms he said that would be my expense to get the house ready to sell......I told him he was a S.O.B. and he might be cocky and sure of himself now but when this was all over he would be begging for mercy. He said Im a S.O.B. .....no you dont know how many b!tches I've had since you...called me more names and I hung up ....and then I fell apart.

I dont understand why he has gotten so evil..he left me with $100.00 took all important documents and has turned this whole thing around on me. I have been so horrible to him I am finally going to get whats coming to me. I feel like my life right now is out of control...I cannot stop crying I speak with my sister and mom but they dont understand....noone understands.......

mom, in my opinion forget about plan A. Go straight to plan B with the mindset of plan D. I think your WH just admitted to being a serial cheater and liar. I have a very good friend going through a very similar circumstance. During "recovery" of the first A which resulted in an OC (other child) he had a 4 year long A with another OW and planned out way ahead leaving her basically penniless and unprepared. Turns out he was not who she though he was and they had a long M with several children.

Your goal should be to get an immediate order of temporary custody with supervised visitation so he cannot run off with the kids. I would also get temp CS orders in place immediately and whatever else legally you can do to protect yourself. Do you have joint credit card accounts? Cancel them or report them lost. Get your own credit card to cover expenses temporarily and watch your credit report to ensure he does NOT screw your credit up. I also hope you have STD testing scheduled for yourself.

I am so, so sorry.

Oh and I don't think he has "gotten" evil, I believe he has just been very good at hiding his true character. Too bad your friend covered for him for so long. That is no friend to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank You I have a meeting with an Attorney Monday. It cant come soon enough..I cant talk to him any more it hurts to much. I am going to cut off all contact with him. My knids have cell phones he can reach them that way.

Hopefully when I see the A I can get this filed as soon as possible. It just amazes me he would try to get custody of the kids. Up until 2 years ago I was a stay at home mom. He always has traveled several months out of the year. I know he is just probably blowing smoke trying to hurt me I know I need to just let it roll off my back...but its hurts too much thats why I need to have no contact with him.

As far as STD testing my sister mentioned that to me last night .........so I guess I need to take care of that.....I just cant believe this is my life right now

Sweetie, NONE of us can believe the path our lives take during these times. You are a strong woman, I can tell from your posts. Plan B for you I think would be different than many. Usually it would involve a type of "love letter" outlining the path the WS needs to take to return to the M. In your case I think basically you get someone to agree to be your intermediary so you don't have contact. The intermdiary will filte out all but the necessary information so you don't live the drama and stress of contact with him. Get as much support as you can and do the broadest, scorched earth exposure to ensure support for you and the kids. DO NOT speak to his parents or let the kids visit unsupervised as they are in on this with him. I have been praying for you and will continue to do so.

Do you have a pastor or someone who can provide some support or counseling for you? I would also be as age appropriately honest with your kids and tell them what daddy is doing is very wrong. Kids need to know the truth, especially since your WH is trying to spin his own stories. (((MOM)))

Oh sweetie, I am sooo sorry this is happening to you. However, DO NOT LISTEN TO WHAT HE SAYS. He can't call the shots in YOUR life. He can't just put the house on the market without your okay (unless he owns it as separate property). What state do you live in? In some states the house is considered community property. Tell your attorney Monday that you want a TRO against him. You've got to stop him in his tracks. Be sure you tell the attorney that he says he already has an attorney. Did you ever call the court to find out if he's filed?

What a jerk! I'm all about MB but your WS takes the prize.

(((((((Mom09152))))))

The house is in his name...when we went to but it 2 yrs ago we didnt need my income so we just bought it his name....I live in Arkansas.....when we closed on the house I didnt sign any of the loan papers just occupancy papers that I would be residing there....no I never called the courts to see if he has filed.....

Mom,

I am an attorney.

My advice.

Do not speak to WH at all for now. Keep him out of the house and be prepared to call 911 the instant he appears and gets confrontational on your property. You have a legitimate fear and restraining orders may be necessary.

If you must speak with him...keep your head up and do not engage him in any conflict. Conflict will be for the lawyers and he MAY be trying to document your hostility and anger. He has already made you the bad guy in his mind and there is nothing you can do to change his mind so don't bother. He NEEDS you to fight with him. Don't. The only conflict that matters is the one your attorney will fight for you.

Your attorney will be able to acquire, through discovery, all that he or she needs to know. Any documents left need to be stored somewhere safe outside the home.

Keep a journal. You'll be able to use your journal on the witness stand someday to refresh your memory about each specific days events.

I know you are hurting but your children need you. They need a strong parent willing to stand up to evil with integrity and grace.

Don't engage him...defeat him.

Mr. Wondering

Thank you MrWondering I just feel so unprepared for all this and it is so overwhelming...but I will survive this I have decided from this moment on I will be totaly unresponsive to anything he says or does and as of Monday I will have my Attorney do whats has to be done to secure myself and my family....its just all so scary to me right now.

Since it's his house and he told you to do the work necessary to put it up for sale at your expense perhaps you should consider doing just that.

Starting with the demolition work....immediately.

House won't be very salable with a couple rooms torn apart down to the studs.

ACT like you are cooperating with his wishes....but someday you'll be able to claim you couldn't finish the work because WH took ALL the money necessary to finish the job.

I think you could allow the cleaning to slide quite a bit too.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - be sure to leave some spoiling fish out prior to any real estate showing....lol

Mom ~

Been following your story, I don't have much to say except that I am so sick and sad for you...it's hard enough finding out your H is having an A, but what your H has done is unbelievable.

Believe it or not, you are doing well for the sitch you are in. Hang in there.

I agree with faithful follower ~ get an intermediary to pass info back and forth between you and your WH. You do not want or need to be talking to this man. He is trying to break you and by having any contact with him at all he is able to keep you wrapped up in his sick little drama. Don't let him.

And intermediary is responsible for passing ONLY very important info back and forth...they filter out all the ugliness. That is what you need. Do you have a friend or relative who would be willing to do that for you?

[And HAHAHAHAHA to Mr. W's advice....great ideas!]

MrW:

What are you thinking with this:

"Starting with the demolition work....immediately.

House won't be very salable with a couple rooms torn apart down to the studs."

If MrMom was your client, do you think you could get her removed from the house pretty darn quick?

It would be FUN to knock out the walls, yes. But what you recommended could severly damage Mom's case.

The spoiling fish in the curtain rods? Good idea if Mr Mom moves in after Mom is gone, however....

And I think MrMom deserves the rudest treatment possible.

He sounds like a grade A [censored].

But Mom needs to stay on the right side of it. And knocking out the walls will not get her there.

JMVHO.

LG

I am so sorry for what you are going through.


I agree VERY strongly w/ this. If you need to get a message to him use an intermediary.

You will not be able to reason w/ him now. Nor will you get any truthful answers from him.

Communicating w/ him will only hurt you.

My sister was married to a man like your H.

I thought it was a blessing too, when he finally left her....she didn't believe in D. And he took great advantage of that.

((((mom))))


~ Marsh

LG,

I think Mr. W's ideas are meant to slow down/prevent the sale of the family home.

Mom,

Perhaps saying "immediately" was a bit premature. Speak with your lawyer about my suggestion.

He might just be able to remove you from the house pretty quick seeing that his name only is on the title. If so...and seeing that he told you to fix it up for sale...I thought you might oughta jump the gun and do it starting with demolition work.

It depends on Arkansas law and whether WH can actually remove her or sell it at will. If so...her best hope is either to delay a sale (by "innocently" doing the demo work necessary to prepare it for sale) or prevent WH from walking away with any equity quickly by delaying the sale and devaluing the home..."innocently" again, of course.

Don't go so far as to seem or appear to be intentionally destructive, vindictive, hostile, etc. but far enough to accomplish a consequence. Don't tell anyone your intentions....it's just fixing the place up as far as they are concerned. Nobody said you had to finish the job on WH's behalf but he told you to start....didn't he???

Mr. Wondering

Ok, I live in Arkansas. In this state, you can only own real estate seperate from your spouse if they sign off on that...so I assume you did that? Regardless, the house is half yours. Doesn't matter if your name is on it or not. I do not think a judge will make you vacate. You must file immediately Monday to protect yourself and your children. Do you guys have a lot of equity in your home?

Don't listen to one stupid thing he is saying right now. Just get a judge to give you residence of the property and keep him away from it. You don't need to see his face. Or listen to his voice.

Get strong and protect your children. That is the worst kind of scum, filling those kids heads full of hateful secrets about divorce and taking them away from their mom. What a freak!