I've been separated from my H for more than 2 months now, he has made no serious attempt at winning his family back. He is in an A with a co-worker and by the looks of it, there still in full swing. However, I just wish he would leave me alone so that I can move on with my life. I know he is with someone else, okay, I'm accepting that our M didn't work. There are days when he sends me text messages telling me how much he loves me, sends me e-mails with pictures of our wedding day. Why does he still want to have me there? It's been months and months since we had a stable conversation, everything is already out the window. He stayed at our home and now it will be up for foreclosure in about two weeks, along with his automobile. It took so much effort and work on my part and its not fair to see it get lost so easily. I've tried telling him to leave me alone, but it doesn't work. There are days when we exchange our DS, and I won't say a word to him, but there are days when we have 10 minute conversations. I'm not doing a good Plan B, so basically I'm the only one who is going to end up getting hurt at the end. Can someone give me some words of advice? What is next to expect? When is he going to stop playing all these games with my mind? Why do I even let him, I just can't control it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I feel my M is over, but how do you know that WH wants it to be over? There are times he gives me clues that he does want to work on the M but then again, he doesn't tell me straight out....Tomorrow he asked if we both could take our DS trick or treating since its his first one, half of me wants to go, but the other half just wants to do it by myself. I don't want to fall again into this games. How can I avoid him, I feel that I'm not strong enough to say no on occasions, mostly because I'm still in LOVE. What should I do?

No, unfortunately you are not.


Is that what you want?

You need to reevaluate what you are doing and what you want to accomplish. You don’t seem to be in either Plan A, B or D.


I have never heard of an active wayward on this board trying to win their family back.

He is in classic cake eating mode now.


Re-read the concepts, get a plan and execute it.

You are making the exact same mistakes that I made - not doing an effective Plan B. I kept allowing my WH to waltz back in with no clear boundaries - just his word that the A was over. Well guess what? It never was.

They will cake-eat as long as you let them. I learned it the hard way.

If you have done an effective Plan A, then you need to do a Plan B and DO NOT break it until he meets your conditions and works to get back in.

Stick to the Plan.....

I tried Plan A and he didn't seem to care one bit. It's hard doing Plan B because we see each other every time we exchange our DS. I try to be strong but the love I have for him seems to win me over! Why? What can I do? We are about to lose our home and everything inside it because he doesn't want to pay for anything anymore. Why doesn't he at least want to save that? It belongs to both of us, not just me. It took hard word and effort to buy a home and its not fair that we lose it so easily.

Plan A typically doesn't work on its own, thus Plan B is frequently required.

It sounds like you're not doing a great one, but it also sounds like your situation is particularly challenging. How old is your son? How often do you exchange him?

I agree with Chrisner. Your WH is in cake-eating mode. You know what that is, right? And you understand that by falling out of Plan B you are enabling his cake-eating?

Have you consulted an attorney? My sttorney told me that we can get a court order to force WH to pay the bills. Not sure if this is true in every state, but it was true where I live. Where will you live? You should really check into this before you are homeless and starving.

Right now he isn't thinking about you. You are going to have to take care of yourself first.

Plan A is about your improvements for you. If the WS recognizes it, that's an added benefit, not the reason.

Plan B is also to protect you from the WS.

Finish plan A.

L.

We both have spent so much money, energy, bad thoughts into this, that I don't see myself going back into the M. I don't know if I'm thinking clearly but half of me wants to still be in the M, but the other half of me says he is never going to change. I don't want to suffer like I have done so in the past year. How do I end all this? He doesn't want to try anymore, there are not TRUE signs, so why should I bring my hopes us AGAIN for nothing?

Well first of all, what you are doing is not a Plan B. A true Plan B means NO CONTACT. Given that you have children together, a intermediary would be used for all communications dealing with children and visition/CS issues.

One of the purposes of Plan B is to offer you freedom from the stress of the mind games that you mentioned.

I understand your dilemna. It sounds to me as though you would be interested in reconciliation if you could be assured that it would not be more of the same and if he isn't willing to do that, you are ready to move on. Is that correct?

If it is, there is a simple way that you could enforce your boundary here and safe yourself a lot of grief trying to guess his sincerity.

Make a decision regarding the conditions that you would be willing to make an effort towards reconciliation and then eliminate all contact until he decides he would like to meet those terms.

At the top of that list would be NO CONTACT, including a NC letter to the OW.

And that would be a start.

You might ask yourself this question..."What would I be unwilling to tolerate?"

That might give you a good starting point for what your terms for reconciliation might be.

What do you think?

I know there is, but I'm just afraid of No contact meaning he will lose all interest in me for good!

.

.That is correct, however, he sends e-mails and text messages telling me how much he misses me, how he wishes all this drama would not be happening, YET, he doesn't ask us to go back home with him.


.The problem is he doesn't ask for forgiveness! What would I do in that instance? I want to move on but there is a small part of me that still wants him in my life. I have a feeling he does too, but just doesn't know how to show it. We haven't had a major conversation since I left about two and half months ago. I don't know if its the time yet or if we will ever have a decent conversation again.

I'm afraid you are operating under the notion that you can control that...and you can't. If he is going to lose interest, that's his choice. So are you really willing to settle for crumbs on the off chance he might change his mind?



It's a manipulative tool to keep you invested (aka...stringing you along/keeping you in the wings in case things don't work out with OW).



Why would you want to reconcile with someone who wasn't remorseful?



Well, at the risk of getting all psycho-babbly on you, this is a sub-conscious way to prolong the inevitable grief that comes with loss.

The thing is...you're already there. He's gone. Your heart just hasn't quite caught up yet. Try not to pay attention to these small parts of you that tell you this or that. I'm not telling you not to feel, but try not to use emotion as a a resource in your decision-making. Use your logic to step outside of the situation and observe it objectively. Imagine the situation is that of a good friend or a daughter - someone you care about. What would you tell this person? How would you advise her?



It recommend resisting the urge to try to guess his feelings or motives and base your decisions strictly on the facts in evidence.

It would suck to make a decision for yourself based on a guess.

We took our DS together on his First Hallooween. It was okay, we didn't argue or anything. At the end, I asked if we could talk about our situation, we hadn't talked in two months since I left the home. He said "not now". That was just like a big punch in the face to me.
I made him sit and hear what I had to say, at the end he just said "right now is not the time for us to be together." Yet another punch in the face. I told him his words of "I love you but am not in love with you" were stuck to my head and were not leaving. His reponse to that was "it was a stage that I was going through". Yeah right! I know, he is in his cake eating stage. He told he has lost 15 lbs and is tired the majority of the time. He is working a lot of hours and misses us dearly. That the pain caused by the separation grows stronger every day that passes. Can any one please help me to be strong in a situation like this? I feel that my emotions are going in a rollercoaster ride!

Calibeous,

I can go through this thread and give you all the facts and evidence that Froz is speaking of if you want. It's all right here, from your very own mouth.

You are so young, with that little baby so I am trying to not hurt you. I know you are hurting enough. But you need to understand that you are a willing player in this game.

You won't come up with a plan or stick to it. If Orchid says to finish Plan A, because of her wisdom I would suggest this is what you do.

You are floundering around baseing your actions and emotions on his. That is why you are hurting so badly.

His words and actions don't really match up but you keep hopelessly trying to make sense of them and then when that doesn't work you change your plans hope they will make some sense that way.

Take yourself out of the crazy-making game and work a plan. Preferably a consistent Plan A until your head and heart are in sync and then a good Plan B.

That's it Cal. That's what you have to do. You are trying to avoid pain at all costs and in the processe drowning in it.

Cali, Sweetie, does he support you at all? If he doesn't,
please see an attorney and force him to pay for your house.

You know you love that baby more than your own life. You have to take care of him even if it means upsetting your WH.

I had an aunt whose H left her for another woman. For 23 years she waited for her husband to return to her. We saw him at her funeral, came for her insurance money. He wouldn't take care of her,or divorce her.

When you have no house, where will you go? Don't underestimate WH. He may even try to get custody of the baby.

What did his employer say about their affair? I hope it isn't being condoned.

Maybe someone could help you with all these details about the attorney. A relative or friend could
go with you for moral support.

Please listen to Orchid. You've seen folks on this board
6 yrs or better into nonresolution. Please, make a plan, if not for you, for your child.

I agree. The Plans are designed specifically to guide you at a time when your emotions are driving the bus. They are tried and true and regardless of the outcome with your WH, these plans will not steer YOU wrong.



I agree. This is the result of letting your emotions guide you. The Plans seem counter-intuitive, but this is a painful time and one in which your emotions will likely guide you down a destructive path.



When you are dealing with a person who is deceptive (a WS), it is VERY important to completely ignore their words and pay attention ONLY to their actions.

I know it's painful. I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

Sweetie I don't want to discourage you anymore than you aleady are but there are some hard facts that you MUST deal with today. When me and my FWH were separated and he was out with OW, we lost our home to foreclosure. Not only that, I lost my car, my job and much more. I too couldn't understand why WH didn't care. But he didn't. And that's the truth that you must face. As long as he is a WH, he does not care about anything except getting his next fix from OW. His lips may move and say he cares but his action speak differently.

You may end up losing your home but it doesn't mean the end. I understand the pain that goes with that. If you want your life to change... start making changes. Get into a FIRM Plan A or Plan B. Otherwise you're just sitting back watching your life be destroyed.

I know you love him but you don't stand a chance if you don't do something... seriously.

Oh crap, you know what, I just went back over some of the posts, and his words are matching up to his actions, kind of -



That's pretty plain. Being together would definitely piss off the OW, and he would have to worry about the when the repossors are going to show up.




He doesn't want to come back home, he wants the benefits without the responsibilities.



Get an atty, and start looking out for yourself. He is not going to do it.



What is next to expect? More of the same, only worse, unless you get it together and stop looking to him for your clues on how to proceed.

He is not playing games with your mind Cali, you are.

He is very clear on the parts about not wanting a marriage, not wanting to save the house, not wanting forgiveness.

Finish up your Plan A, so that you are strong enough to do a good Plan B.

Plan A is about you Cali. It is about showing the best you possible, being an attractive choice, acting with self-respect, gaining strength, loving detachment.

He tells you he loves and misses you every now and then, because he is a selfish, cake eating, WS.

There is no great mystery here.

Are you able to do a few weeks of a really, really good Plan A now?

Get your ducks in a row, your head and heart in sync and get ready for Plan B.

He better be paying child support, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Please resist the temptation to expect positive results, reassurances, from your WS until the adultery is totally over. When you expect, and then WH doesn't measure up to your expectations, you just feel hurt and angry again and again. I'm not saying that the things you want and need from your husband are unreasonable or abnormal in any way, just that while he is still a WS he is going to let you down. Plan A by itself rarely gives the desired results. The importance of a solid Plan A comes into play once you go to Plan B. Read over the Plan A guidelines every day, plus before and after each contact with WH. Then once you give him the Plan B letter read over the Plan B guidelines every day and STOP all contact with him.

Even the times when he does seem to say and do things that give you hope, don't pay much attention to it, not until the OW is out of the picture because he has given her a no contact letter from the two of you, been going to mc with you, become accountable to you, etc.

It doesn't even matter whether or not these positive gestures from him are sincere at the moment (but then he changes his mind) or he's purposely and cruelly stringing you along just so he can cake-eat or stroke his ego. My guess at some times he 'feels' sincere, and at other times he's just ensuring his ability to continue cake-eating.

Stop trying to figure out what HE is up to and stick to YOUR plan. THAT is ALL you can control. The sooner you realize that the saner you'll feel.

He has let me down completely, every time we talk is to see how our Ds is doing? Nothing more, nothing less! I have given up, he is the type of man that once he has lost interest, its gone and I have to accept it. I told him how much his words had hurt me when he used to repeat every day to me "I love you but am not in love with you anymore". He told me it was a stage that he had gone through, and it was an error he had committed when he would tell me those things.
How can I not pay attention to them? We kissed, small romantic kiss on Friday afternoon. I had dreams about it all this weekend. He never asks to see how I'm doing or how I am feeling. I know this man perfectly well and the picture could not be any clearer, he has fallen out of LOVE for me. We have mediation in two days, he is just being nice so that I can let him see our DS, nothing more.

Yes your are right, but how can I stop wondering what he is thinking/doing? I want to concentrate more on ME, I think I deserve it but just don't know where to start! He doesn't bother one bit on me, why should I bother on him? I also need to learn that I shouldn't take everything he does to heart. He gave me a starbucks card as a thank you for allowing him to accompany our son and I on halloween day. He thanked me for letting him have a wonderful day, he hadn't had one in a long time (what about the nights he spends with her?) I know I'm going to hold a place in his heart because I was his wife and am the mother of his child, but its not the same kind of love that was once there. It hurts so much when reality strikes, IT IS BRINING TEARS TO MY EYES AS I TYPE!