Why can't I just let go? Even if he is still in FOG or not, the damage is done, BIG time! I just want to let go, but still can't. How can I?

Continue going on with your plan. He will continue being a WS until the affair is over. And they all end.

Cali, don't you have a mediation in 2 days?, if i am following your sitch correctly? Do you have your own attorney? To answer your question, your WH will play mental games with you til you have had enough.

I don't want to sound like BA here, but..he kissed you..you know what he is doing with OW. he says things to you to keep you hanging on..he's telling her he's doing what he has to to keep everthing going in his favor.

Please tell us what his work said when you exposed him...
if you did...and if you didn't why not? Please find someone to back you while you do what you HAVE to do.

None of us here want to hear how WH got custody of your baby, cause you wouldn't stand up for yourself and the baby.

He has a lot to lose here, make no mistake about it. He will try every trick in the book to take your child for OW to raise to get out from under child support.

Get over how he is making you feel and fight for your baby.
This is where it is going. Get some Jamesus and TOMK blood running in your veins and fight this cake eater.

SET Him Down!!!!! GF

I think I have had enough, seriously, I wish he would be so far gone, the love I had for him is turning into hatred. And he sure doesn't care one bit. The bankc alled me today to let me know about foreclosure, I called my WH, he said he wanted to save the house.But.....he made it perfectly clear to me that it was not because he wanted me to go back to him but because the home belongs to our DS.


I sent a letter to corporate and I know they made a big deal about it because my WH was very upset over the entire situation, but they still work together. I don't want to pass through there work anymore to see if they work the same schedule because it just causes more pain to me, more than I can handle (as if I didn't have enough already)

.

We both know he has a lot to lose, and I'm ready for it all,so I think! We will see what he comes up with tomorrow. I'm requesting supervised exchanges so that I can definetely do a GOOD Plan B and have N/C established between us. I hate it because he knows I'm still there and won't leave. That gets me really frustrated. I'm moving on, I'm worn out! I still LOVE him, but I can't handle it any longer. I have to move one and do this for my DS who needs me. At least my WH has someone who can take care of him......They say WH realize what they have lost, but in this case, mine WILL never seem to care. He has hurt so many people with his actions and sure enough more women like me will come into his life.

Today was mediation, boy was I in for a big surprise! My WH normally has the baby 2 days out of the week as was agreed between lawyers. He asked for more days, however, the mediator said he shouldn't even be staying with him overnight. It brought great peace to me when the mediator was telling him what he needed to hear! Big relief! There were some other issues that mediator gave me credit for and put him down instead. At the end of our session, he said to the mediator " I would like to ask and see if there would be a possibility of her wanting to accompany me to marriage counseling". The mediator asked me and I responded with a simple "NO". He waited outside the building for me and asked if I would be willing to give our marriage another chance, hence, I would need to change my ways. He put his conditions, no spying, no talking about the A that was in the past. I simply said no, I don't want to go into the nightmare that I used to. I guess I'm simply saying, its over. In the whole conversation he did not mention once that he loved me, he loves his son, but that's the bottom line. WH who fall out of love, can cause lots of damage to themselves, that I found to be true. I have to be strong, for my CHILD!

Nope, he doesn't get to set the rules......He can choose to do the real work of rebuilding or be divorced. No, a baby should not be spending overnights with WH and I hope you change that right away.

Well, that is a relief! Good job. Hopefully he will get it into his head that HE is going to have to be making some changes.

He called last night and said he felt much anger towards me for what occured during mediation, but was not going to let it out on me because it was not all my fault. His brother has some issues and our DS can not be around him, that upset him big time since his brother is the one would take my WH to pick up/drop off our DS. His brother and wife would also take care of our DS when WH went to classes for DUI. This is going to frustate him BIG time since he is going to have problems at finding someone to take care of our DS and someone to drive him around. I involved his family into this and as a result, it probably means this is an end to all.
He keeps on telling me that I need to change in order for our M to work, that I was the one going crazy trying to find out more information about the A. Is it wrong for me to ask information about the A? I don't think I can let go of the idea that he had/still has an A until I know the details.....He doesn't want to give them to me, he wants to me forget about it, "it was in the past we now have to focus on the future". Its so easy for him to say, he was no the BS.

Cali,

""that I was the one going crazy trying to find out more information about the A. Is it wrong for me to ask information about the A?""

Is not wrong at all, in fact all the information needs to come out to start the honesty and trust rebuilding.

All WS's want to forget about it, pretend like it did not happen and get on with it. BUT IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!

Your WH is very insensitive and immature.

And didn't you mention a DUI??

If the boy has a drinking problem, that could DEFINITELY be the cause of his wackiness and strange behavior. The drink or maybe drugs, now that he is out of the house with this new bimbo. Who knows what substances they are trying.

""it was in the past we now have to focus on the future"""

I thought you gave him his walking papers and did not want to try to save the M. The guy is delusional.

kirk

When I first found out about the A, I used to hear it all the time "time heals all wounds". I thought, yeah right! Boy was I wrong. As the days go by and my WH does bad things to me, he is making me lose the love and respect I had for him. My WH acts as if he doesn't care about his M and of course that pretty much means he is in full swing with the A. How can I begin to notice once the A is starting to come tumbling down? Not necessarily that will want to work on our M but that he has moved on and is no longer seeing the OW?

Hello calibabeus,

Responding to how you will know once the A is starting to crumble:

If you see your H's eyes, and they are clear and alive and not dead, that is a sign.

Also, I never did Plan B. You are talking about how you are losing love and respect for him. The purpose of Plan B is to protect the love you still have for him. I mention this to point you toward the Plan A Plan B Board, for advice from those who have walked that path.

Once he ceases all contact with the OW, writes the NC (No Contact) letter, he will go into Withdrawal. The OW is his drug. He will be feeling mean and may lash out at you. Imagine a drug addict going cold turkey. Sweats, cramps, runny nose, whatever.

When he gets her out of his system and is ready to have No Contact for Life, if you still care about him, that is the time to come out of Plan B Darkness - and get counseling with the Harleys.

For now, your home is close to foreclosure. I want to tell you how I dealt with money problems once my X moved out.

There are agencies that place foreign students into the homes of Americans while those students are attending classes in the U.S. The host family receives stipend checks. It worked well for our family.

You can either host them with meals or without meals. I liked the idea of having a family feel at the dinner table. The kids I got wanted home cooking. Our son loved having them in the house. They still keep in touch. If you have a spare bedroom with a desk and a good lamp for them to study with, this might work for you.

Thanks Bellevue for the advise. The bad part about my situation is that he is staying at the home. My DS and I left while he kept the house. Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake to do, but I had enough in that home. He was making me go through emotional abuse and I was starting to worry about myself. Now, I'm going through trouble of where to find a good place that I can call home. He is not a man enough to say that he will leave the house so that our DS (who he supposedly LOVES so much) and I can stay at. What kind of man is that? Yes, I know he is in FOG right now, but can't he even think about his DS for a minute? As the days go by, I'm getting stronger and stronger. I've come to realize that his "LOVE" for the OW is big and he prefers to lose his family. When I left the marriage, I had a very low self-esteem, but all these problems have helped me realize that I must learn to take care of myself first. Things are changing in my life, I hope its for the best.

I had been doing good the last couple of days...Realizing that things have ended in our marriage. He used to e-mail, call, text, sometimes about stupid things. It has been about 6 days and he hasn't contacted me at all, this has been the longest with no contact. Could that be because his A has finally become official, where he has to take the OW everywhere? I'm going to see him tomorrow for our DS exchange, but I'm pretty sure we will not talk.

The problem that my WH has is he has told me in the past that he doesn't want to lose his marriage, but that we can't be together right now. He is so sure that I"m going to be waiting, right? How can I let him know that I'm not going to be waiting for him to finish having fun in the A? I'm assuming that is why he wants time, right?

QUESTION: As the days go by and my WH and I are not living in the same house (his choice), it makes hope seem further and further each day. Is that normal or does it mean that marriage is over? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Tell him that. Tell him that he says that he doesn't want to lose his marriage...but if he doesn't end his affair with her, he WILL.

Start showing signs of moving on. Ask him when he's moving out. Start going out dressed to kill (even if its to the library) and don't tell him where you're going or what you're doing. Start showing no interest in him.

In effect, pull back. Often when we've pursued, our spouse will pull away. If you start to withdraw from him, he'll feel that loss of you, and he'll actually start making the effort to be with you. When it happens...ignore it at first.

Let him pursue you for a while.

Just found out this weekend from his sister in law that the OW has been living on and off for about 2 months now at our home. Boy, he was waiting for me to get out so that he could take her it. I guess I was starting to feel that was coming----it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. As time passes by, I feel him more and more distant from our M, if I can still consider it a M. It's been over a year that his A started and thats when the mistreatments began against me. I'm not devastated, but I am hurt because that was OUR home, he couldn't have even respected that?

He doesn't want to be with you because the affair is still going on. As long as it is, he won't want you.

I forget, is the home only his?

Actualy the home is only mine, its under my name but he is making the payments to it(he needs to since he is the one who is . He wants to fight for it, I will give it to him but he has to buy me it. He thinks I'm going to give in so quickly like I have for the last couple of months, boy is he in for a big surprise!

Oh, then I suggest you contact an attorney and file for some financial protection. OW should NOT be living in the marital home.

I thought I was going to have a bad thanksgiving day since tomorrow is the day my DS spends with my WH, but today he called and asked if I wanted to spend half the day with our DS. He said since I had let him spend half of Halloween with him, he was returning the favor. That was nice on his part, but I wonder is there something fishy about it? Why is he trying to be nice? At the end of our phone call, I told him Happy Thanksgiving in company of your "family", he said "I will try" What does that mean?