and Luis, calling OW "irresponsible" if she has the baby??? OMG, you leave your semen behind in a woman's uterus (and the semen becomes a GIFT when you do that-so you really have no say since you aren't married to her) And then SHE is the one called irresponsible??? OMG! WTF??? Time for you to "own your own chit".

You also said you quit your job.

Did you work with the OW?

You think someone at company gave her your address?

Someone at the company may be enabling OW to contact you?

Is there a company policy about providing info about a former employee?

bk - Absolutely!!!!!

Cind,
Yes they worked together. She started about 2 weeks after he did I think.

Good that he quit, but now he's a financial burden on his W so be better find something else soon.

I think his story is that another guy that wanted OW and became jealous of sorts, gave OW his address. Why, I have no clue... I think that's how i read it anyway

BK... goes to show he's really not here looking for help, just telling the drama. No more excitement from OW so reliving it out here maybe? He's not taking this as serious as he should.

It's the absolute opposite. I don't want any more drama - if I could, I would never utter the OW's name again. What I want is to save my marriage, redeem myself, be the husband my wife deserves. I'm having to be a man for the very first time.

I am 26. I had a protected childhood in Brazil, upper-middle class. In Brazil, you live with your parents until you get married! Some of us are truly "under-developed" compared to Americans. I had it way too easy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And the "stalking episode" terrified us. My wife is a very private individual... It was the last thing she wanted for us. We were in shock for 2 1/2 days...

I am dead serious about our recovery. You can see it in my eyes. I acted like a fool... I'm ashamed of myself - and I'll remember this FOREVER.

OK, but how are you being proactive about protecting yourself and your family?

Being in shock needs to be a short lived status.

L.

I've been in shock for the last....yep, last 30 days. I was arrested 30 days ago. STILL can't believe that one.... but I'm being active and taking back control of my life.

I keep reading excuses, I'm not reading plans of action.

Luis, you came here and told us what you did. I'm going to have to go back through all your posts to see if you actually ask for help / advice, but you certainly have gotten it regardless if you asked ot not.

Have you done anything that's been suggested? You don't say anything about what you've done to be PROACTIVE in this recovery. You keep mentioning "us" though. Rememeber, the ONLY thing your wife needs to do, is try to find it in her heart EVERY SINGLE DAY to forgive you. She will not , CAN NOT do that just becuase you are laying there in bed next to her. YOU MUST BE A PROACTIVE MEMBER IN THIS RECOVERY. Sitting back, having a party, and hiding from it, will not make it go away.

And what kind of existence will that child have, if indeed the OW is pregnant? Being the result of infidelity, knowing they were not a wanted pregnancy, their conception possibly resulting in the breaking up of a marriage and with 2 parents who may not be able to stand the sight of each other.

I'm sorry, maybe I'm too nice, but to me it seems obvious Luis is regretting his actions leading up to now, he is trying to make things right and with all the good intentions in the world, wanting to provide for this baby (If there is one), wanting to ensure they are loved ... it doesn't always happen and it can make that child miserable.

If you haven't been in this situation then it is easy to throw accusations of dirt bag around, I was doing just that up until recently, but living it is totally different.

I don't for one minute agree with what Luis or his OW have done. Just in case that comes back on me.

(I am a BS btw, not a WS sticking up for another one)

no, what you are doing is advocating murder...ever hear of adoption???? What kind of life would the child have....gee, I don't know, maybe it could be a Noble Prize winner...maybe cure cancer....nope...oops, he/she gets dissected and discarded in the trash.
I have been in Luis situation without the infidelity. I had an unplanned child...not married to the mom (her choice) and she made an appointment to butcher him...my son, who will now be 12 on Saturday.
No, you are not too nice....not coming here and spouting off that a child should be killed because little Luis couldn't keep his wandering pecker out of the oh so seductive girl at work.
And save the ...you're a BS crapp....your first post here as a BS and you come to the defense of a DIRT BAG, foggy thinking, can't get his head extracted from his [censored] WS.
Gimme a break.

I never once advocated the abortion. I was just stating it isn't as simple as "keep the baby you scum bag". Of course adoption is an option.

You were in a loving relationship when your son was conceived (I assume) without the secrecy, the underhandness, the lies, the deception. In my eyes that is totally different to a child being conceived as a result of an affair.

Please do not call me a liar without any proof at all. I have been viewing MB's forums for a couple of months and have actually been back for advice on my own situation and have been following the story of another poster in this thread and this thread spurred me onto register and post.

I am in Luis's wife's shoes at this moment. My H had a ONS which resulted in a pregnancy. My H wanted to do what was right by that child, support them, build a relationship with them, make them understand in the long run they were the innocent parties in all of this, along with me and my children (their half brothers) but the OW is a witch. All she cares about is filling her purse with cash to go out drinking, using this child as a pawn in her little game of trying to cause as much destruction as she can to as many people as possible, including her own daughter. What a lovely life this child has to look forward to.

Like I say, it's easy to be judgemental when you have no experience at all in the situation. Being in that situation may make you look at things from a different angle.

No, but it is as simple as "don't solve your problem by suggesting butchering the baby you scum bag" and that is what was said.

I am sorry about your situation...hopefully your H is doing everything he can to secure custody of his child. I am living proof that it can be done. I went from a father that had no choice as to whether she killed him or not to having full legal and custodial custody.

I am sorry for your pain....but the child always comes first. Always.

I think what's happening here is that people are taking on their own views of abortion/life/conception & pushing them on Luis. If he feels the way he does, about there not being life w/o the first breath, then that is his belief & he owns it. For us to push our beliefs on him is just the same thing as us saying that adultery is a sin against God to an atheist.

Several things to note here for those against the party:

If I'm reading this correctly, they had planned a party before the W knew about the A. After finding out, Luis wants to cancel the party but his W insists they continue w/their plans. He was doing what his W wanted, not what he wanted to do. I agree. I think it was a little too soon to be throwing parties; however, if his W wants to maintain privacy & didn't want her friends to know that there is a problem w/her M right now, then she has the right to do what she wishes.

Luis, did she state why she wanted to go ahead w/the plans for this party?

And, if you are going to call the OW irresponsible if she chooses to have this baby, if there is one, then by the same token, you must also call yourself irresponsible b/c you chose to have sex w/her which in turn created this child. You are just as "irresponsible". Please don't forget that.



Luis, I know that you just want to wish this never happened. But it did. There will be more drama that has resulted from this. You cannot make it go away. Your W may not be showing signs of anger on the outside; it may all be internal yet; however, she will eventually bring all of those emotions to the surface & you must be prepared for that.



I want to concentrate on this part of what you said for now. How are you regaining trust? Just by crying w/her & saying sorry? What exactly are you doing to show her that you can be trusted? When you say you're "doing everything you can for her", what exactly are you doing? Giving her flowers, taking her to movies is just courting her all over again. How does she know that this is for real this time? How are you guaranteeing her that this won't happen again later? Just by words? By actions? Just what exactly? This is what people are trying to convey to you. What ACTIONS are you taking to ensure this doesn't happen again?

Like another poster said, how are you being proactive in this recovery?

anyone that doesn't believe there is "life" before a first breath **edit***. gee...I guess that thing kicking in the belly...or sucking its thumb is dead huh? Neat trick.

To sign your post "Love in Christ" and have such a casual response to the murder of a child is a strange contradiction IMO.

See...people can debate their belief in God since it can't be proven scientifically...the FACT that a child is alive int he womb is not even open for debate.

I'm with Standing....
Luis isn't trying to DO anything...he's hoping time will heal all wounds.

WAKE UP LUIS!

'Belief'. Hmm, what beliefs and values have we seen from this poster so far? Almost all of what he's said could be boiled down to "I'm really uncomfortable and I want it all to go away!"

He wants the OW to go away, the possible baby to go away, and his guilty feelings to go away. And go quickly. It's been less than a week since NC, but he's already claiming to be 'stalked'. He's excused himself in a variety of ways for the claimed pregnancy - it is of course, quite 'understandable' that he wasn't thinking straight each and every time he had sex with her. It's all the OW's fault for not being sensible.

Luis, you've created a huge mess through your own selfishness, poor choices, lack of self-control and lack of integrity. A mess like this isn't a broken window or a speeding ticket. You can't just pay up and move on quickly. This is a heavy-duty adult situation, and you seem to be short on heavy-duty adult skills. So let's not pretend that rushing round buying flowers and finding new ways to vilify the OW is a mature way to handle things.

Someone who throws themselves into something on a wave of pure emotion will pretty soon drift out when the emotional surge loses strength, as it inevitably does. That includes recovery from infidelity. Allowing your behaviour to be ruled by your emotions is what got you into this mess in the first place. It will wreck your recovery just as surely if you don't start thinking about what the situation requires, rather than what Luis wants.

TA

ACTIONS

1) Talking about the affair
2) Being earnest and open to friends and family
3) Accepting her anger / sadness
4) Keeping NC
5) Telling her EVERYTHING I remember
6) Being 110% honest, all the time
7) Doing things with her
8) Holding her tight when the pain comes
9) Getting tested for STDs (gonorrhrea and chlamydia have already been ruled out)
10) Participating in MB
11) Going to Couples Therapy. Also, my personal therapy and her personal therapy
12) Making sure she has everything she needs
13) Making sure I'm doing everything I can for her

Now, answers to 2 questions:

PARTY - My wife insisted on keeping the date. She said she had done a lot of work already and that it wasn't in her character to cancel. She insisted. Therefore, I respected her wishes and tried to make the best of it.

MY BELIEFS - I have an Eastern Religion / Spiritualist belief system. I used to be a Rosicrucian (Christian Mysticism). According to them, the Soul enters the body at the time of the first breath. Of course, the physical body is alive and the "soul" is close by, but the joining of the two happens at first breath. I'm not automatically favorable to abortion... I just believe that a child shoudn't have to enter the world in those terms. I believe that their soul would find new parents, parents that share the same energy, which would be better than being without an estabilished home. Nobody has to agree with me (and most of you don't, as I understand) but that's what I believe.

I'm sorry I created such a commotion with my post. We were in shambles at the time and very afraid.

Well Luis...in that case...****************edit*********has an affair and creates a baby that he advocates killing should be aborted since a soul obviously missed his body.

1) Talking about the affair
Don't. unless your wife asks for details.

2) Being earnest and open to friends and family
As you should ahve been al long so this is moot.

3) Accepting her anger / sadness
Like you have a choice? Well... I guess you do. If you choose to ignore it or get upset about it, she'll be leaving soon enough. Agin, this is a SMALL action on your part.

4) Keeping NC
You better be. Even going out of your why to PROACTIVELY keep NC. (aka getting a new email address instead of just deleteing any emails you get)

5) Telling her EVERYTHING I remember
Again, only if your wife asks. And... important look into your wifes eyes when you do any talking about the affair. Don't look down, or talk to the back of her head if she lets you hold her. If she starts crying, this is your cue to shut up. Stop talking and just hold her if she lets you. you can go back to talking when she's read. (See this is ACTION).

6) Being 110% honest, all the time
Again, something you should ahve been doing all along so this is moot.

7) Doing things with her
What's the prize behind door number 3 for this?!?!?! C'mon Luis.... all happily married couples do things with each other. you are NOT trying hard enough. You are still looking for the easy way out. Man up for Christ sake!

8) Holding her tight when the pain comes
Only if SHE wants it. You are NOT comforting yourself for your stupidity. Don't even think of of comforting yourself.

9) Getting tested for STDs (gonorrhrea and chlamydia have already been ruled out)
This is action to show you can be trusted? This is you making sure OW didn't infect you (or indirectly your wife!)with a life altering disease. Period.

10) Participating in MB
Good, but again, take a more ACTIVE role here.

11) Going to Couples Therapy. Also, my personal therapy and her personal therapy
How many times have you been so far? It's only been about a week since you posted the first time here I beleive... are you really going or are you PLANNING on going?

12) Making sure she has everything she needs
You can't give her everything, you tookthat right away from yourself the moment you kissed OW. You have to earn that right back. But keep up the work on trying. It builds deposits in the love bank....

13) Making sure I'm doing everything I can for her
Be more specific, this one is a cop out.



At least you are trying Luis. Keep it up, eventually is won't seem like so much "work" and it will all come naturally. But remember, it IS work YOU need to do.

I'm not trying to be harsh, i'm trying to push you in the derection I know you want to be ppushed until you can manage on your own.

TOMK

How come you brought me into this MEDC??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

MEDC I applaud your stance on this. I might believe that red is blue and I'd be wrong too. This is not an issue of a difference in opinion.