Every time XH has a failed relationship he takes it out on me as though we just got divorced all over again. Just a brief glimpse... I got divorced 2 years ago and one of the main catalysts was a relationship he was carrying on with a woman from his past. He didn't want to end their relationship so I ended our marriage. He decided to be with her about 7 months ago and they were already talking about marriage and then just recently he got dumped by her. Now he's mad at me all over again. I know in my logical mind that I have to cut contact with him but I can't follow through. I can't help but feel guilty about where he's at in life. I am happy and I shouldn't feel bad about it. I've apologized for any of the ways I may have wronged him and i've forgiven him for any hardship he caused me and so I don't understand his bitterness. Why can't I just NOT ANSWER THE PHONE when I see his number show up. Why do I care so much. We don't have any kids so there's really no reason for us to be in contact, i'm just weak when it comes to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Help...

Well you answered my first question - no kids.

He's staying in contact because he can - you let him. If you have no kids and the divorce is final, there's no reason that you need to still be in contact, is there?

You should not feel guilty - he did this himself. You enforced your boundaries (good for you!)... now you need to continue to enforce your boundaries.

The only thing I can suggest is to block his number, or change yours. Otherwise he'll keep doing it - because he can.

JinGA

Answer the phone, if you must. But as soon as he starts blaming you or spewing bitterness, say "Oh, I almost forgot. We're divorced. I don't have to listen to this nonsense. Good-bye." Then, hang up.

Or... Let him spew his venon, complain about his life, and then invoice him. Good pschotherapists charge $150-350 for a fifty minute hour.

If you take the later route, make sure you listen for and pinpoint his self-delusions and his manipulations. My guess is he has been pulling your strings for a while.

I am having the same problem. I have trouble cutting ties with my x. When he calls I answer the phone but then it just leads to an argument (which I know to begin with) which makes me look at myself as dumb if I already know this. But anyway, I have set boundaries with myself that I cannot read any texts, emails, or allow myself to answer any of his phone calls even if I want to. The viciousness he gives is sucking the life out of me and I need peace. I hope that you can find a peaceful place.

It is called manipulation through familiarization. He wants to keep you on his finger tips and it is easy to do because you two have history. You know how he feels, smells, talks, and in a sense you may miss that familiarization.

The only way to truly be rid of that is to get him out of your life completely. Block his calls, emails, everything. If he visits you make it clear you do not want to have anything to do with him.

If that is what you truly want, then that is what you must do.

I can relate exactly. I am having trouble cutting ties with my x. He called Monday and I answered and I knew in my mind that it would be the same blame game and argument and him hurting my feelings, but that little bit of hope that "maybe he changed, or maybe he woke up" lingered in my mind which is why I answered. Of course, like I predicted, my mind was right, we argued, he blamed, and I hung up. So why do we keep answering? The curiosity and the bit of hope. But I am on my way to making boundaries and he emails and he texts, but I ignore and do not read them. You have to stop the temptation for yourself. Block the number and email and phone number. Resist temptation and resist it for yourself. I know you are curious and so I am I but it will be the same old thing if you answer the phone. You will be blamed blah blah blah and it is all your fault blah blah blah. He is keeping you from healing and you need and deserve more than that. You owe it to yourself to move on and not linger on him. He is counting on you to always be there. Don't.