Like many of you at this place I just found out that my wife has an intimate relationship with her co-worker. It is about 2-3 month old and they had their first intimate time together on a business trip 6 weeks ago. Since then they have travelled another 2 times together spending total 6 nights together in a company paid hotel. In between the trips they would meet during lunch in hotels close to their work. Maybe they had 20 times sex with each other altogether.

I disclosed the affair to our family, other wife and some co-workers. Obviously that did upset her very badly and she feels trapped and exposed. There is no remorse, tears, saying sorry or regret shown to me to give me some sense of humanity to my depressing state of mind. On Friday she wanted a divorce and leave the house and by Sunday she calmed down a bit agreeing to stay home and evaluate if we can work on our issues. I think this is good and I try to downplay the affair and focus on the real issues which I do understand better now in order to create an environment of safety, care and compassion to work things out.

We are married 7 years and have one boy while the other man is married, no kids and a wife who has only 1-2 years to live due to a horrible disease. They truly believe they are supposed to be together and the guy is already planning to leave his family and rent an apartment. Presently my wife and I do a lot of talking and there is even some affection being shown like hugging and kissing. She has to make up her mind as to whether she stays in this relationship or move living with the other man. She promised me to stop the intimate part with him for as long as she is in our house but she can still see him at work and obviously I do not know what she does during her lunch breaks. Basically there is no way that I can control anything at her work and asking her to quit her job which pays very well and gives the security of income and healthcare is very difficult to ask for.

My question to you experienced posters is how likely is it that an affair given the time it exists has any sustainability in the long run? How can I make her account for the time at work so that I know she is not leaving the premises to meet him? Are their emotions that high during an affair that they cannot even realize how complex their situation is with work, a dying woman and 4 year old child?

They are both intelligent persons especially my wife and she completely dismisses that this is a problem which may take more energy to maintain than the energy of working on our relationship. I am heartbroken and very resentful about all the lies I witnessed in the last couple of months so that she could be with him. I am ready to forgive but how do you build the trust again especially when there can still be contact with the other person?

Is there a chance for healing from this and have a better life together?

Any response appreciated, besides I can use some support…

Are their emotions that high during an affair that they cannot even realize how complex their situation is with work, a dying woman and 4 year old child? Are their emotions that high during an affair that they cannot even realize how complex their situation is with work, a dying woman and 4 year old child?

Unfortunately they don't care about anyone but the A at this point.. They can justify the A every which way to Sunday in their minds- it's like they've been taken over by aliens.

They are both intelligent persons especially my wife and she completely dismisses that this is a problem which may take more energy to maintain than the energy of working on our relationship. I am heartbroken and very resentful about all the lies I witnessed in the last couple of months so that she could be with him. I am ready to forgive but how do you build the trust again especially when there can still be contact with the other person?
Is there a chance for healing from this and have a better
life together?

Read the articles on this site Levad, I would start wtih surviving an affair. Read the basic principals of MB. Start applying Plan A. You want to stop their contact..ALL contact, work, nonwork, etc. You want your W to establish a NO CONTACT policy with you in regards to him. You want to expose, which you did good!

Your W probably doesn't make alot of sense in what she says, does, or her thinking right now, that's normal.
Please keep reading here, you can find answers and steps to take to make YOU the best option for her. And work on your relationship/marriage enhancements too.

I'm sure other more experienced posters will offer suggestions too.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. Keep reading and learning.

Hi Lavad,

Welcome to MB!


Most marriages based on A's will NOT last. Eventually, one or both partners will finally realize that if they cheated on their former spouse, that they're likely to cheat again. Also, the same 'issues' that caused them to stray in their first M will almost surely pop up in the second M.


You Can't. Period...


They are both overcome with 'emotions' and 'In-Love' FEELINGS. They are NOT thinking. Don't expect them to have ANY clear thoughts while they are addicted to each other.

My best advice to you is to read up on all of the articles here on the MB site, then expose the A to everyone that you can think of that will assist in breaking up the A.

Your W or the OM must quit their job and they must have 100% No Contact (NC) for the rest of their lives. Any contact, no matter how slight, by phone, text mssg, e-mail, will set you back to square one.

Once NC is in place and the A is exposed, there will be a period of withdrawal. An A is an addiction much like a drug addiction. It will take some time for your W to withdraw from the OM.

It is possible to rebuild your M... but the first step is to end the A and establish NC...

Semper Fi,

RIF