Plans A & B "working" do not always mean a recovered M, although you do see that happy result around here a lot.

You can go through Plans A & B, divorce, and walk away a far better person, head held high, knowing you did everything you could.

The Plans will accomplish one of 2 results if correctly followed. 1) A restored marriage. 2) A powerful, confident FBS, who has been through the entire grieving process, and is ready to form a new and even better marriage....with someone else...when the time is right.

BS = Win/win.
WS = Maybe win after losing/maybe just lose.
OP = Lose/lose.

Also, in the case of a D with a WS, why would you want to leave the peace of Plan B - ever! - and resume normal contact with them?

When you are strong and healed, I could see going to limited contact just about important matters concerning the children, but ick! More than that, you don't want or need in your wonderful new WS-free life!!!

To say that Plan A and Plan B don't always "work" is so very short sighted.

Dr. Harley's book is NOT titled "Saving your marriage from an affair".

His book is titled "Surviving an Affair".

He doesn't promise that your marriage will be saved.

People quit to soon when it doesn't "work" as expected.

These plans are how a BS walks away with dignity, courage and strength from the worst trauma that most of us will ever experience.

How many more people might have been tempted to take back their WS from a position of weakness, instead of strength to walk away from a destructive relationship...without the Plans to show so many of us what a real marriage looks like?

I didn't know what a marriage looked like til I came here. I'd never seen one!

Yes, my marriage recovered, but if my husband had kept on moving in the direction of his OW, I guarantee you that I was walking away a smarter woman who finally understood her own worth.

I am a success story because my marriage recovered, but even more importantly because *I* am SO much more as a result of these plans.

There is not one person who has truly worked these plans who I describe as "Plan A/B" didn't work", regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

I LOVE BR!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I sooooo agree with BR and some others here.

Plans A & B work 100% of the time...unless your goal is to try to control someone else.

The plans are NOT a tool to be used to try to control someone else.

Simply put, Plan A is about fixing YOU...not your WS.
Plan B is about refusing to continue to place yourself in a situation where you are being used, disrespected and disregarded.

Well, the PLANS worked for me, not because my M is SAVED (far from it right now--working on it daily), but because it helped give me a road map back to my own wellness; still does, in many ways.

I've survived the A's; that was my main goal.

I sure am glad I started this thread! Look at all the great contributions! Thank you, every single one of you!!!

Initially, it is usually the BS that discovers this site. Let's face it, saving and building a marriage is not the main focus in the life of a WS.

Look at the side bar advertising what this site is about. It flashes a list of typical WS fog speak:
"I can't change my feelings."
"I need space."
"I just don't feel that way."
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
"Too much has happened."
WSs can be extremely demanding and cruel. They reek so much destruction and havoc that it often requires all of our energy and focused efforts just to clean up the mess they leave in their wake. It is not easy for a BS to find the energy to put the pieces of their own life back together --- especially with so many pieces missing.

Don't get me wrong, because I am glad I did Plan A and Plan B. They have helped me to become a better person and helped me to learn how to set my own personal boundaries. In fact, after attempting communication about the education and welfare of D12 after the divorce, I have come to realize that this, along with the wish to recover our marriage was one-sided --- I am back in Plan B and probably always will be.


What plans A and B do not do is help a BS deal with resentment issues. And resentment is indeed a big issue for most BS. MB helps you deal with resentment issues when the XWS practices just compensation, but I have not found a place on this site to help deal with resentment on my own. I am still hoping that I will eventually truly feel as happy as I act. The feeling of peace and acceptance of what has happened to me and my children comes only fleetingly. Sometimes I catch glimpses of gratefulness that this has all happened; there are days when I see that my life will eventually be more fulfilling than I ever dreamed possible. It seems that when God closes one door, he opens up others.


My words to all BS:

Even if you do a perfect Plan A and perfect Plan B, even if you had a good M pre-A, you might not recover your marriage. Don’t make the WS the focus of your Plan. Make your own personal growth and healing your plan. Realize that you may have to deal with all your pain and resentment on your own, without help from your spouse. Work hard at becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be. Enjoy the present things in life that you have and can be grateful for. Have faith that things will eventually work out just the way they should.

Based on the little I know about plan A and plan B, I gotta ask:

Doesn't almost every BS at least loosely follow one of these plans without knowing it? I mean, how many other options are there?

I can't imagine following these plans subconsciously since they take so much effort. Plan A is about showing your WS that you are the perfect spouse (or close to it) and that life with you is better than life without you. This is excruciatingly difficult to do when you are in the stage of acute pain. It is also about exposing the A which for some is embarrassing and may feel shameful (though it isn't). It can also cause great anger in the WS - even the fear of this prevents many BS's from doing it. And all of this is done without any expectation of results (i.e. the WS continues their cruel behavoir to the BS). It takes great strength to pull off a good Plan A.

Plan B is also hard. At first it feels counterproductive to completely remove yourself from WS's life. Many BS's live for that small bit of contact, even if it is just a cruel lie. You have to let go of that - almost go through withdrawal yourself. And it can take a long, long time. Though you are personally better off afterwards since you have avoided a lot of the cruelty, it's hard to see that at the initial stages. Like quitting smoking - it's extremely hard to do at first but once you are beyond the initial stages, you know you are far better off. Nobody accidentally quits smoking.

Lost...you are dead right....not short sighted at all. Even the good doctor in this uses the same terminology regarding Plan A not always working.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html



I think the above paragraphs are some of the most intelligent and well expressed thoughts I have seen on this board.

I'm not sure what made you revive this thread...but I am glad you did.

I had everything else pretty much from d-d onward. The A was already over by d-d, NC was easily accomplished because OW could no long hold exposing to me over FWH head to remain in some form of contact.

Yet we still didn't achieve what either one of us considered a recovered marriage because we didn't really have FWH taking COMPLETE responsibility.

He said the right words, but deep down inside he was still holding on to resentment for things I had done in the distant past. He had used dabbling in infidelity as a mechanism for getting revenge on me for years and was harboring that tendency until the forum members here put the bright light on him and helped him see some things within himself that he really didn't like.

Recovery came pretty quickly after that.

Agree with BR, Plans A and B don't always result in a recovered marriage, but they sure do make the affair survivalble for the BS.

Who

This falls true no matter what plan you are in, even in recovery, you must deal with your OWN issues.

Thanks, lost, for this very REAL post. It's hard to convey to a newly BS that they will survive, even if the M doesn't, but I think you described it perfectly here.

Thank you for stating this so eloquently. It captures a feeling I have struggled with, but couldn't really articulate, and as such, was not sure that others have had the same experience.