I finally created an account. I have been reading the books and the website since 2002. I have been divorced since 2004.

I have so much respect for these concepts and I have learned so much from each of you. I truly wish that I had been fortunate enough to be armed with this knowledge way back when.

I came in this morning to work, and just like always, I was checking on some of the poster’s stories that I have been following for years, and some for just months. I really feel like this is the last option I have, as a sister, as a sister-in-law, and as an aunt.

Please forgive the length and my rambling.

My twin brother and his wife were married four years ago. She was pregnant when they married and they had dated for 3 or 4 years before that happened. My brother is an alcoholic. He was always a beer drinker. Loved beer. He was never overly affectionate, but the beer made him sweet. He had also been diagnosed with depression when he was 18. The depression and the beer drinking all started about the same time, give or take. He never took medication well, but he was sure to have his however many beers every night. He began dating my sister-in-law about that time and she bought him beer. Somehow, this all seemed normal, though I don’t know why.

Anyway, fast forward through moving in together, pregnancy, marriage, and a DUI one mile away from home. My brother stopped drinking – cold turkey. It was right before my niece was born and he just didn’t want any part of it anymore and all of the other risks involved.

My niece was born – and since that time, their marriage has been slowly falling apart. The sweetness left when the beer did. Right now, they are in crisis. My sister-in-law has just about taken all that she can and it tears me up that I am witnessing this and that I am unable to do anything about it.

There are absolutely no needs being met, by either of them now. She has all but given up. I understand her frustration in speaking with my brother; he is just so angry all of the time. It is next to impossible to get him to actually have a conversation about rebuilding because he speaks down to her constantly. He has recently admitted that he is miserable and that he doesn’t want to live that way – yet he won’t and hasn’t done anything to make it better.

My brother has a full time job, takes college courses, and plays in a band. My sister-in-law has an extremely heavy course load at school and works part-time. They have a home and a 3-year-old little girl. Their lives are very hectic. With their schedules being so overloaded, they have begun to pull away from our group of friends and family – and we see them less often.

I spoke to my sister-in-law last night for a long time and she is just exhausted and disgusted with him and his attitude.


I have spoken at length with my sister-in-law about Marriage Builders and she has skimmed through the site – I do not know how much. At one point she promised me that she would log in and try to get help from people who have worked for years on their marriages – but she hasn’t, yet. I am hoping by her seeing that I took the initial step - that she will soon follow.

I do not believe there is any infidelity, I just know this general forum received the most traffic. Please let me know if I need to move it.

I love my brother, my sister-in-law, and niece very much. I am going to try and direct her to this post.

Please ask any questions. I am sure I left a lot out.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

Please help.

27,

Big KUDOS on finally coming out of Lurkdom here on MB.

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What your brother and SIL are experiencing isn't all about him or all about her...there are two halves. And there is an addiction present which gets in the way of regular marriage building.

Yes, I read where he stopped drinking cold turkey. Ever hear of a dry drunk? The issues beneath the addiction remain...just doesn't have the false payoff (distraction) of actually drinking.

Same for depression.

What exists right now in their family are two addictions...and not addressing either in healthy ways.

Your brother thought cutting out something would fix...does he regularly attend AA meetings? Does SIL (who's tried everything about had it...only she hasn't really tried what works) regularly attend Alanon meetings?

Would you go with SIL to Alanon meetings?

Would you go for you?

The beer didn't make bro sweet...he remains someone who can act sweetly...he was made by the same hands you were, twin sis...and me (I know, weird)...by God...you are both whole, complete human beings, marvelously made.

That may not be his experience so far on this earth...or yours...or SIL (she is, too)...remains the truth. All separate and equal.

Something in others attracts us...gives us the experience of being completed...when you journey further down that road, you'll usually find that something was in you, all along, either lost or disowned.

What initially attracts will destruct us in relationships. When we don't get the signals.

He's not a problem...he's a person. His anger isn't a problem...his acting out his anger is a big problem.

Both lack boundaries they hold themselves to...both can grow, side by side, and have a thriving marriage.

Resources are there for them...encourage them to reach to them...the 12 steps change lives...in any addiction...even to people. Finding the false payoffs gets to the root of the addiction, and you can only see it when you stop acting on the addiction...and not replacing it with another one without awareness you are doing so.

What about marital counseling? He gives up the band, she lessens her course load...and they make time to see a counselor (a good, pro-marriage one); make time to do the exercises together...you make time to help out keeping your niece...listening and repeating with them...and learning the difference between being a resource, a friend, a sister and SIL...and an enabler.

Everybody learns, everybody wins...and your brother and SIL are no longer in their separate miseries...seeing the other as the problem...instead, they face misery together, when it comes, along with joy, celebration, sorrow and life...side by side, not completing one another; having a complete union, their top priority.

Please keep posting, 'k? Everybody wins when ya choose to do that.

LA

LovingAnyway

Thank you very much for your reply and the time you took in posting.

The answer to the AA or Alanon is no. Avoidance runs pretty deep in my family.

My sister-in-law has spoken to him (and so have I) abt a pro-marriage counselor and he has refused so far to go.

I would keep that baby girl anytime - and they both know that. I hope to go over tonight when my sister-in-law gets out of school and show her these posts. I hope that seeing it in black and white will motivate her and hopefully your advice will be something she takes to heart.

I know that the beer didn't "make" him sweet. He has just not ever been the kind of man to express much emotion unless he was drinking. I hope you took that the way I meant it.

Thank you again.

Hi 27,

I'm sorry you haven't gotten any replies over in GQII. I don't have any great suggestions for you, but you might try posting on Emotional Needs. Especially if there is no infidelity, that might be an appropriate board.

Is your SIL asking for specific help, or just in general for you to exert your influence over you twin brother, or what? I'm not sure how much you can help someone if they don't want to be helped, but you could try some H&O with your brother.

The only thing I can think to do short-term is to educate yourself. Learn all you can (books, websites, magazines, courses, counselors) about people in their situations - and you, as a family member. As you know, there are groups for relatives, too. The more knowledge you have, the more ammunition you have ready, in case you catch any single situation where you can step in and help in some way. But the key is the knowledge.

Even putting out a sentence or two in their presence, that may resonate with them and feel appropriate, may help them turn toward better solutions.

27,

You're welcome.

Would you go to Alanon with or without her? Partners of alcoholics have their own stuff to deal with...because they are half of the dynamic going on.

I believe your brother is sweet, cruel, terrified, loving, brave, manipulative, committed and questing. Like the rest of us. We got the all in us. Finding our way out, though, takes tools we didn't get growing up, for the most part. We got bits and pieces, and a lot of those bits and pieces were twisted inside out. Makes sense that the puzzle of ourselves would be really difficult to put together.

I did know what you meant, btw. I'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic.

Have you read the thread on GQII about enabler/codependent? Look up Ace_In_Bucket (I think she started it) or Star*fish. Great posts...maybe they can help you, as well.

Best news, I think...marriage is a dance with only two people...the dance changes when only one partner changes their steps. I believe your SIL would change her steps if she learned how wonderful life can be with healthy boundaries and boundary enforcements around her. Helps in all areas of her life, especially parenting.

When one learns, the other cannot continue the same dance...the dance changes. Easy to confuse that with changing your partner...remember that you can't.

Thank you for your dedication to helping to save a marriage.

LA

P.S. Another great one to look up is BrambleRose...her story and advice is like seeing your SIL a few years down the road, right now, if she makes the same choices.

Welcome. I am new too and will post soon.

Thank you all so much for checking in and for your responses.

I would go with her and without her. I am going to check today for local meetings. Thank you for the suggestion. As lame as it sounds, I knew his alcoholism was/is a problem, but I obviously didn't think abt it too much in terms of the whole picture. It seems much more obvious to me now.

I never made it over to visit my sister-in-law yesterday. However, I did speak with her this morning on her way to work. She will be checking on this thread this morning after she settles in (as well as having two papers that have to be completed while she is at work).

Sister-In-Law:
I know you probably believe it is extreme that I took the liberty in posting all of your business on the Internet. I promise to keep this information in confidence. I know you are fed up with him - I know the way he speaks to you is horrible. I don't blame you one bit whatever you decide to do. I love you very much, with or without my brother - but I do hope you truly give Marriage Builders a shot (I believe you, your husband, and your daughter are worth that effort). I love you.

27,

Have ya gone to a meetin' yet?

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You know what some say is our greatest fear? Thriving. Not failure. To shine really bright...as God intended.

Reasonable to feel and know...unreasonable to act from.

Shine, anyway...oh, and update, too, 'k?

LA

LA, no excuses - I haven't gone yet. But I am going to go. Talk is cheap I know. But I know it is necessary.

Update on Brother and SIL. The only thing "new" is that she has decided to separate after the holidays. No, she hasn't told my brother. She doesn't plan to until after Christmas. Their anniversary is 12-26. She doesn't want me to say anything to him. (??)

I don't know what else to do. I am at a loss.

I am going to miss them being a family. Especially since I know that with the help of people on these boards and with counseling they could have been so much more together than apart.

Go for you, 27...so you can change what you hand down...see clearly what is and what isn't.

Maybe doing this one thing, for yourself, will change everything.

Give God room...he works.

How do you benefit from grieving something before it happens? When you dwell in the future or the past, you cannot be present.

Be present.

Encourage your SIL to act from her boundary of openness and honesty (O&H)...what she doesn't enforce around herself, she won't enforce in her marriage.

Know your own choices...you don't know if she will really separate after the holidays or not. What would honor their marriage...for you are being a friend of their marriage.

No update on how your brother is doing? Just SIL's thoughts and choices?

How is your delay to Alanon different from his choice not to go to AA? How much are you speaking directly to him, listening and repeating his words with choice inserted?

They are choosing to have a hectic life right now...they are acting out priorities different from what they say they are...conflict comes in when we self-deceive.

You can choose to be a voice of clarity for their marriage. You know each of them are choosing, 'k? Respect and vocalize their choices. Which include, what they are choosing not to do.

Hang in there...best way is to hang with those who know...hit it, woman!

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LA

I am crazy abt my brother. I love him dearly. But I wouldn't want to be married to him.

I was spending some time with them at their home yesterday (with my daughter). My SIL has lost so much weight in the last four or five months - it is the best I have ever seen her look. She looks beautiful. She had on pants that fit her perfectly, not too baggy - not too tight. I praised her, and I praised her again in front of my brother. He said, "yea, she looks good." That's abt it. But it was something I guess.

I offered an afternoon movie outing (this is something my SIL refuses to do with him bc he will not hold her hand). She agreed to go and so did he, but at the end of the day - it didn't happen. I had pre-arranged childcare (our mother). Still didn't happen. I was really hopeful, and I thought we would all have fun.

I know that she won't necessarily separate after the holidays.

And I know that him putting off AA is really no different than me putting off Alanon. The only difference is that I know I can benefit from those meetings, but I don't think in his mind he would.

I am hanging with you, or trying to. Thank you for your continued support and push. I wish I could bring the whole family on board!

Be brave and be first...go today to a meeting, 27. Break that invisible barrier...do it for you...you ripple...we have family dances...they change when we change our steps.

Then you could share with DBro..."I was so scared...I didn't want to open the door...walk in. My heart had to have been pounding 200 beats per minute. When I walked out, I felt like I was floating."

Whatever your experience, you share. Lead by example, commitment to self.

When I was bound up in the pain and suffering of others in my family, I was a drama-hound. Took their stuff as my stuff...wanted to be the fixer...and I was disrespectfully fixing other humans...and abandoning myself.

Was a really hard way to live for me...in a loop of dissatisfaction.

God lays out all these tools through people...and respects their choice whether they will learn them, take them home, change their lives or not. He keeps them available. Pick them up, 27, they're free.

(((27))) Do it for you.

LA